Mrs. Leonard was a Bitch

YOUNGSTERS RETURNING TO CLASS FOLLOWING A FIRE DRILL IN A CHICAGO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. FIRE DRILLS ASSUME A GREATER IMPORTANCE IN THE GHETTO SCHOOLS WHERE AREA BUILDINGS ARE MORE VULNERABLE TO VANDALISM AND FIRE. NOTE THE VACANT BUILDING WITH BROKEN WI
YOUNGSTERS RETURNING TO CLASS FOLLOWING A FIRE DRILL IN A CHICAGO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. FIRE DRILLS ASSUME A GREATER IMPORTANCE IN THE GHETTO SCHOOLS WHERE AREA BUILDINGS ARE MORE VULNERABLE TO VANDALISM AND FIRE. NOTE THE VACANT BUILDING WITH BROKEN WI | Source
Awkward Social Encounters
Awkward Social Encounters | Source
A man holding a blunderbuss.
A man holding a blunderbuss. | Source
Wild Turkey (Meleagris gallopavo) in Fort Worth Zoo
Wild Turkey (Meleagris gallopavo) in Fort Worth Zoo | Source
Geese flying over the Research Triangle Park headquarters parking lot.
Geese flying over the Research Triangle Park headquarters parking lot. | Source
Inhaler
Inhaler | Source

So...Are Ellipses just a Grammatical version of the Mathematical Concept of the ‘Remainder’...?

I’m attempting to solve one of the greatest mysteries of the universe and I sit here befuddled and perplexed.

Like the obscure rise and fall of Hub scores...occasionally...perplexed would surge and the rankings would be reversed.

Mostly though...the trend was running towards befuddlement.

My worst fears were confirmed about an hour ago. The solution to the problem...at its core...was mathematical.

That said, there were reasons why I had been a history major. I opened my ‘repressed memory box’ after pulling it from my ‘closet of shame’. The skeletons, which live in my ‘closet of shame,’ helped me move it. It was full.

The material I was looking for was in the second-grade stuff. Filed under...Leonard, Mrs. (Math Phobias).

My mind cast back in time...

Chicago. 1971. Prussing Elementary School. Depths of winter. Grey skies. First Floor. Room 104. Steam-heated radiator stuck on Hiroshima-type setting and blasting out heat in a clattering of pipes. Mrs. Leonard’s Second Grade class...

(Clatter, clatter) Went the pipes...

I was eight and awkward. I had improved from those dark days when I was seven and awkward, however, as those who followed the case studies generally agreed...in terms of awkwardness...my ninth year would prove much like my seventh...thus eradicating any transitory gains I had unknowingly garnered while whiling away the eightieth percentile of my first decade.

It was a day like any other. I was settling into my desk as I pulled out a copy of a book I had found in the library. It was about Pilgrims and the early Indians of the Massachusetts Bay colony. Like every morning...Mrs. Leonard had her own agenda.

Also, like every morning...I was surprised when her annoying nasal voice intruded into my fantasy world of Pilgrims and Indians...

“OH Mr. Forgets-His-Glasses and Pays No Attention?” She snidely intrudes on my mental efforts to blow away a turkey with a blunderbuss...

“Huh?” I squint at her while trying to figure out what she was talking about.

I had forgotten my glasses again and hadn’t been paying attention. Still...I thought the sobriquet rude and demeaning. I vowed to tear into Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s principal work on education, Emile: Or, On Education to see if she had the right to speak to me that way. After this Pilgrim story of course...after I shoot this here turkey with this here blunderbuss...

Even at age eight I understood...you can’t pick your own nickname.

Still, this one sucked. It was entirely too literal and lacking in any notions of double entendre, in my opinion. Mean spirited stuff, really.

Mrs. Leonard was a bitch.

Her braying voice startled my imaginary mental turkey into an early flight and my blunderbuss blast proved unequal to the task as I got off a delayed shot...

“OH Mr. Forgets-His-Glasses and Pays No Attention?”

“Yes, Mrs. Leonard?”

“Yes, Mrs. Leonard?” She mocked. She came stocked for mocking. “It’s your turn to complete a math problem on the board.”

The class collectively held its breathing. Except for Charlie Tamuda. He had asthma...he was wheezing away like a stevedore...

(Rattle, rattle) Went Charlie’s lungs...

Pupils writing on the blackboard in a village school in Laos
Pupils writing on the blackboard in a village school in Laos | Source
Addition, division, subtraction and multiplication symbols
Addition, division, subtraction and multiplication symbols | Source
Illustration depicting two people facing each other, engaging in a typical "staring contest."
Illustration depicting two people facing each other, engaging in a typical "staring contest." | Source

Could This Be the Reason I Don’t Like Math...?

The drill was this: Mrs. Leonard would put five math problems on the board with the intention of five students going up, completing their calculations, and sitting down. She would critique, erase, write new problems, and the cycle would continue anew...

Like a pedophile priest working his way through a line of alter boys, the process was designed to be efficient.

I was normally the monkey wrench in that machinery of efficiency. Invariably...I was placed nearest the roaring steam-heater. I won’t say that I got the hardest problem...they were all pretty hard.

My four companions finished their problems and sat down. Four more students came up and answered theirs and sat down. These were critiqued, erased, and replaced with yet more unfathomable numbers as the next batch of my compatriots moved forward to contemplate and complete their portion of the exercise...

I stayed glued in my position. The chalk in my hand. The long division problem stared down at me as I stared up at it...

A battle of wills...

The radiator roars. My hands sweat. The chalk turns to paste in my soggy grip. Charlie’s lungs rattle. Mrs. Leonard harangues. The radiator pipes clatter. The clock moves forward. Recess bell. I can’t go play. I must remain at the board.

During recess I stand fidgeting in front of the chalkboard...three inches away (as directed by Mrs. Leonard) breathing in chalk dust. She was of the opinion that since I never wore my glasses...I must like to squint at things...

I was eight...I didn’t mind squinting at things...

My classmates would try to help. That was another reason for the three inch rule. In a rare world, in which, eight year olds showed more empathy than a functioning adult...they would attempt to slip me the answer. I can’t help but think that, had I been wearing my glasses, it would have been easier to discern their helpful prompts...


Camp fire
Camp fire | Source
Drawing of the basic American Pilgrim's Hat
Drawing of the basic American Pilgrim's Hat | Source
The First Thanksgiving
The First Thanksgiving | Source
The stocks
The stocks | Source

The Whimsical Fantasies of Youth...

As I listened to the other kids yelling and playing outside, during the recess that I was denied, I fed small sticks and leaves into the fire that was my hatred for Mrs. Leonard. I gently blew on the coals to ensure an even blaze. Just like the Indians taught the Pilgrims...

I fantasized about Mrs. Leonard being killed in a Turkey/blunderbuss related shooting accident. Ideally this would happen before afternoon recess. It never did...

Occasionally, my fantasies would involve having Mrs. Leonard being kidnapped by wily savages, while the Pilgrim community dithered about, in no apparent hurry, to secure her release...

“Alas...Goodwoman...Spinster Leonard...She BE indeed a bitch...” Went the standard Pilgrim refrain against any alacrity of movement on her behalf...

Unfortunately...for both the Pilgrims and me...the crafty Indians usually let her go of their own accord...

“Humph...Squaw...big bitch. You take.” They would normally complain as they dumped her in an unceremonious heap before melting back into the hinterland of my imagination...

This was my morning routine during the nine-months I spent in the second-grade, remembered, through the saddened eyes of a sad eight year old...yearning to play at recess...yearning to kill his second grade teacher...yearning to return to the dog-eared history book...

I envisioned myself enclosed within the stocks and pillories of the village common.

Ensconced in the same ritualistic humiliation they afforded my 17th-century forbearers (those that didn’t understand math) as they waited out their own sentences of shame.

Typically...I would be released from my bondage following first recess.

Mrs. Leonard would provide a snarky comment, a derisive sidebar, and the missing quotient to the long division problem I had sparred with all morning...

As I recall...on that day...the number three was revealed to be my elusive antagonist...

“Well played number three...well played...”

(Clatter, clatter) Went the pipes...

(Rattle, rattle) Went Charlie...

(Cough, cough) A small puff of chalk dust leaves my lungs...


A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole
A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole | Source
Emmental cheese, one of the Swiss cheese varieties.
Emmental cheese, one of the Swiss cheese varieties. | Source
Classroom door inside the Cathedral of Learning
Classroom door inside the Cathedral of Learning | Source
8-Track player...
8-Track player... | Source
American and Filipino troops surrender to the Japanese at Bataan.
American and Filipino troops surrender to the Japanese at Bataan. | Source

I’m an Adult Now...with Big-Boy Pants...

Unlike the silliness of youth, I was no longer thinking about turkeys and blunderbusses. I was thinking about strippers and string cheese.

Back to Hub scores. I had spent the morning analyzing the relative rankings of my Hubs, Hubber Scores, and Karma ranking. The results proved as elusive as trying to hunt wild turkeys with a blunderbuss on a frosted morning in 1632.

There appeared to be neither rhyme nor reason for any of the movements...

My latest ‘Top-ranking’ Hub (whatever that really meant) was descending down the pole like an aging stripper, with arthritic knees, and unlikely to go back up...

I opened up a package of string cheese and began eating it. They should make Swiss-cheese String cheese...

After I made the unintended connection between Switzerland and String cheese...the next mental leap became obvious...

Werner Heisenberg and his pioneering study of String-Theory...

Creative Voice entered the room and, upon seeing the opened Leonard, Mrs. (Math Phobias) file on the desk, gives a shrill shriek...

“What’s that bitch doing here!??” It’s understandable.

In terms of mental damage caused by the teaching methods of Mrs. Leonard...Creative Voice took the brunt of the hit.

I had created mental barriers for myself...whenever she (or math) would intrude on my psyche...I would think about strippers and string cheese. A defense mechanism, really.

Creative Voice had never fully allowed it to heal...’The Horrors of Room 104’

Internal CD player, of course, didn’t exist in 1971. He was Internal 8-Track player back then...

Still...tough love...

“Put on your Big-Boy pants!” I verbally slapped him. “I was doing research. She’s dead! She was a hundred years old back then. She’s dead! She can’t hurt us anymore! She’s dead.”

“Are you sure? How can you be sure she’s dead?” Creative Voice asks in a pleading voice...

Ironically...we did the math...

If, X=Mrs. Leonard rotting in hell, and Y=A train leaving Cleveland bound for Chicago...they should intersect... That was the problem. If the goal was for an intersection in hell...the train should never have left Cleveland in the first place! Creative Voice used this as proof that Mrs. Leonard was not dead...

“Perhaps an imaginary number?” I suggest.

“You mean like three?” Creative Voice asks...

“Ah...our old adversary...the number three.” I remember...

We gave up. Some math problems don’t have answers. Usually the hard ones...or the (even) numbered ones at the back of the book...

Collecting our scrapes of calculations, we placed them in the Leonard, Mrs. (Math Phobias)file, replaced it in my ‘repressed memories box,’ and pushed it back into the ‘closet of shame’. The skeletons asked for pizza.

I told Creative Voice to order extra pizzas...I was calling the A-Team...


Greek philosopher Archimedes in his bath - 16th Century carving.
Greek philosopher Archimedes in his bath - 16th Century carving. | Source
Two Nabisco-brand Fig Newtons stacked on each other.
Two Nabisco-brand Fig Newtons stacked on each other. | Source

The A-Team...

Algorithm was the term most frequently used and bantered about. I didn’t really understand its meaning. I did know that it started with an ‘A’ and that was a place to start...math things that began with the letter ‘A’.

Archimedes...

Algebra...

Angst...

An hour later the pizzas were delivered, the skeletons appeased, and Archimedes was splashing about in the tub...

Sir Isaac Newton arrived representing algebra. Apparently, he was the creator of the discipline. At age nineteen no less. Creative Voice and I hated him. Algebra gave us a rough time in High School and College. Still...we liked what he was doing with figs...

Creative Voice and I supplied all the required angst...

“EUREKA!” Screamed Archimedes from our bathtub.

That was his third ‘Eureka’ moment in forty-minutes. I had no idea he was a fan and practitioner of multiple ‘Eureka’ moments... I mean bully for him...but you don’t have multiple ‘Eureka’ moments in another man’s tub. It’s just unseemly.

“So how do you get the fig into the Newton?” Creative Voice was grilling Newton.

Newton was confused. “Whatever do you mean, good sir? The apple was my breakthrough. I know not of figs.”

Oh-oh. Absent any working knowledge of figs and their Newton-ing process...Newton was nothing more than a bad memory of four semesters in High School and three attempts to pass Intermediate Algebra in College...

“EUREKA!” Screamed....

I banished Archimedes from the bathtub as Creative Voice simultaneously bans Sir Isaac Newton from our kitchen table.

All that remain are Creative Voice, angst, and I. And Internal CD player. Creative Voice and I were frustrated. Angst...was...well....anxious. Internal CD player suggests a road trip...

“I’m a Traveling Man...”


Werner Karl Heisenberg (1901 - 1976)
Werner Karl Heisenberg (1901 - 1976) | Source
A graphical representation of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.
A graphical representation of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. | Source
Cosmological argument on w:ex nihilo—Initial Chaos Theory, Abrahamic Philosophy. Created image using 'Paint.NET'.
Cosmological argument on w:ex nihilo—Initial Chaos Theory, Abrahamic Philosophy. Created image using 'Paint.NET'. | Source
Amtrak Cascades at Carkeek Park
Amtrak Cascades at Carkeek Park | Source

We’re Off to See the Wizard...

We’re going to the source. We walked the halls of Hubsville...looking for a staff member who could explain the Metrics, Mysteries of’ for us. With over two-hundred thousand Hubbers and twenty-four staff members...?

As we made our way through the building, I told Creative Voice about my Werner Heisenberg—String Theory—Swiss-Cheese Theory. He was doubtful and I knew why...I had fudged the data...

“Werner Heisenberg was a German.” Creative Voice states flatly. “If you try and make a link to String Theory via String Cheese Theory via Swiss Cheese Theory...and, do so upon the back of a German, rather than a Swiss...won’t the mathematical foundations be shaky?”

I was impressed by his grasp of Quantum Physics.

“Perhaps.” I reasoned. “But...Heisenberg was a German in the 1940s...I think most of them wanted to be called Swiss after the war...?”

“Like an imaginary number?”

“I guess. But with blood and bones and guilt.”

“Are you implying that you found damaging information about Werner Heisenberg and a secret Nazi past?” Creative Voice questioned with incredulity...

“Oh, hardly.” I told him. “He seems clean. I’m just saying...that was a common dodge back in the day. Besides...it was a way to move the whole String-Theory thing along...you know...narrative need...”

He did...it was a literary device we had used before with, at times, limited success...

The truth was...all I knew of Werner Heisenberg was gleaned from a quick Wikipedia search of ‘String-Theory’ and a corresponding quick look for Swiss sounding names associated with the discipline. Werner fit the bill...

We discussed it for awhile...

“You know,” posits Creative Voice. “If we can somehow fit Chaos Theory with String-Cheese Theory...”

“Oh sure...right, right,” I agreed. “Of course, that would be the dream-team theory.”

We had long favored Chaos Theory as an answer to the problem. Not because we understood Chaos Theory any better than we understood Long Division. We didn’t.

We have, however, been life-long fans of the 1960s television show, Get Smart! and we figured if we could somehow talk to the head of Kaos...Konrad Siegfried (played by actor Bernie Kopell) ...he could explain it to us...

“What if the train left Cleveland going backwards?” From Creative Voice.

“That would implode the Amtrak Time-Continuum...I don’t see that happening...”

Eventually, we gave up. Some math problems don’t have answers. Usually the hard ones...or the (even) numbered ones at the back of the book...


Common building isulations inside an apartment building in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Common building isulations inside an apartment building in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada | Source
Paul D.
Paul D. | Source
Paul E.
Paul E. | Source
Statue of Col Harland Sanders (KFC Founder)
Statue of Col Harland Sanders (KFC Founder) | Source
White Silkie chickens at a Ukrainian zoo.
White Silkie chickens at a Ukrainian zoo. | Source
Jay R.
Jay R.
Gary Coleman at the 2005 E3.
Gary Coleman at the 2005 E3. | Source

Down the Three Halls...According To...the Two Pauls. And a Jay...?

The Learning Center was closed. We moved on to the staff cafeteria. Also, largely empty...except for two janitors. They were cleaning out the grease trap above the stove...

“Excuse me?” I interrupted the two men.

They turned to me.

They didn’t look like janitors. At least...they didn’t fit the mental repertoire of pictures of janitors that continuously moved through my head. No. These guys looked like computer guys. Still...a lot of dot.com bubble pops had to generate a lot of instant janitors. How could my mental repertoire keep up?

Unfamiliar music was playing out of a boom-box on the table...

“I’m sorry to bother you but I’m trying to find out about Hub metrics and what not.” I politely addressed the man on the left.

Mid to late thirties, perhaps. He had a round-ish face that wore a bit of a smirk. His hair evidenced some curls that were, clearly, in business for themselves. Paul D. was stenciled onto the uniform above the breast pocket.

His companion, Paul E., according to his stenciled moniker, looked to be about the same age as Paul D. He had the same, sallow, computer-guy-like-pallor. He was smiling.

His hairstyle would have held him in good stead as Richie Cunningham’s understudy on Happy Days.

Paul D. explains, “Hubpages have developed two ranking methods, which like the herbs and spices Colonel Sanders uses on his chicken, are shrouded in secrecy.”

“Are you saying that chickens are at the heart of this?!” Asked a, suddenly excited, Creative Voice.

Both of the Pauls jumped back startled. I normally like to hide Creative Voice from ‘the straits.’

He had been silent up to now, skulking about, pondering, listening, taking notes, and thinking of the Silkie Chicken Hub he had been hankering to visit for some time...

“Um...yes.” Said Paul E. The two Pauls exchange knowing glances.

“If I may clarify?” I then proceed to clarify. “Even if we find these chickens and talk to this military guy...Sanders...he’s not sharing his herbs and spices, right? Where can we find the answers?”

A third man comes from behind the refrigerator. Creative Voice and I jumped back startled. We didn’t know he was there...the stenciled identification named him as Jay R.

Longish face, thin lips...if a widow’s peak is a hair style...well then...there you go...

Jay R. had been silent up to now, skulking about, pondering, listening, taking notes, and thinking of the Transylvanian Naked-Neck Chicken Hub he had been hankering to visit for some time...

“You could spend the night on Bald Mountain until you hear the Angelus bell signaling Ave Maria. All should be revealed at that point.” Jay tells us cryptically.

“What the f**k are you talking about?” From Creative Voice.

“What the f**k are you talking about?” From me, a split second after the one above, from Creative Voice.

“What’s You Talking ‘bout, Willis?” From Internal CD player, in a rare, Gary Coleman parody.


Do not mince with this beef.
Do not mince with this beef. | Source
The east face of en:Bald Mountain (Utah) in the en"Uinta Mountains of Utah.
The east face of en:Bald Mountain (Utah) in the en"Uinta Mountains of Utah. | Source
A Buddhist relic in the South.jpg; p.123 The passing of Korea (book)
A Buddhist relic in the South.jpg; p.123 The passing of Korea (book) | Source

Brief Internal Monologue...Then Down to Business...

This results in a brief argument between Creative Voice and me...

“So...what...he’s just busting out with dialogue now?” I asked scornfully of Creative Voice. “No more cool use of obscure songs and lyrical musings? He’s just going to bust out with ‘What’s You Talking ‘Bout Willis’? Really? We never even watched that show.”

“WHERE’S THE BEEF?” Roared Internal CD player...

“Oh...yes...I see your point...” Creative Voice concedes...

“Right?”

The two Pauls and a Jay stare at us quizzically...

“Sorry.” I said to the three men. “Could we get directions to this Bald...”

“Mountain.” Supplied the two Pauls and a Jay.

We received a dizzying amount of detailed directions which seemed to center on three converging halls that would lead us to the ‘mountain’. We would be guided in our journey by the ‘mystical’ capital letter M, which we were to keep our eyes open for.

How do you MapQuest ‘Three Converging Halls’ and a ‘capital letter M’?

They were also vague about the accommodations once on the mountain. From the bells and Ava Maria stuff from Jay, we assumed it was a ski resort run by Buddhist Monks...

By the end of the night...we would be disabused of this notion.

As we were leaving, I asked, (on Internal CD player’s behalf), what band was being played on the boom-box...

Mongo Music.” Offered Paul E.

“Really?” I had never heard of them before...

We bid adieu and moved off into the night...

“Do you think they will find the answer?” Asked a nervous Paul D. after we left.

This notion was met with scorn.

“Pfft...I doubt those guys can figure out how many times four goes into twelve...” Observed Jay. “Still...I will monitor their progress to make sure they don’t.”

They talked for awhile longer about the need to hire more staff...specifically...janitor support before returning to the grease trap...


Sherpa Guide...
Sherpa Guide... | Source
Logo Veto Gent
Logo Veto Gent | Source
A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole
A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole | Source
Hot tub at New Orleans "Jam & Soak" party, 2002
Hot tub at New Orleans "Jam & Soak" party, 2002 | Source
Cropped from "Miami Eroticaxxx 5-9-09 Canon 010". Cage dancer.
Cropped from "Miami Eroticaxxx 5-9-09 Canon 010". Cage dancer. | Source
Jay.  Not coo-ing...
Jay. Not coo-ing... | Source
A henchman...
A henchman... | Source
An example of perfect feet that any Foot fetisher should have in their collection...
An example of perfect feet that any Foot fetisher should have in their collection... | Source

The Hub-Tub of Hubbers Love...

“Helpful guys.” Commented Creative Voice after leaving the cafeteria.

Internal CD player was humming the latest Mongo Music tune...like from 2001 or something...

“Yeah.” I agreed. “But they don’t give directions for s**t.”

“Right? Maybe we should get a Sherpa guide?”

It was a thought. I hadn’t included a Sherpa guide in any of my stories yet...

“No.” I veto the idea. I didn’t want to incur any unnecessary Sherpa-related expenses on this one.

“What the f**k was that capital letter M s**t? What the hell does that mean? They lost me after the second hallway into...wherever...” Complained Creative Voice. “We can’t MapQuest that!”

We talked about what we knew regarding the rise and fall of hub scores. It was a painfully short conversation...

It came down to math. I suggest getting some string cheese and catching a Stripper show. Creative Voice looks at me understandingly. Each, in our own way, lost parts of our soul to Mrs. Leonard’s brutal ministrations...

We could see the garish lights of the club from a block away...

The Hub-Tub of Hubbers Love.

We lucked out...it was after 10 p.m. so there was no cover charge. It was a live interactive show that encouraged participation but accepted spectators as well.

We were there to watch. We took a booth along the wall and ordered drinks. Internal CD player forgot his I.D. and, since he is only eight-inches high, had to get a virgin Shirley Temple...

The newest Hub entered the room already looking good. Obviously...she had been seasoned (in a non-published mode) before entering the Hub-Tub of Hubbers Love. She languidly slipped out of her shift and slipped into the hub-tub with an already established 69 hub score...

Upon noticing her...Hubbers began to coo and touch themselves in inappropriate places. They swim over to her...

She was quickly engulfed in a maelstrom of Hubber love until, a week later, she emerges with a 92 Hub score that is quickly forgotten as she slides back down the metaphoric stripper pole...to be replaced with the next ecstasy flavored treat that walks in the door...

(Coo-coo).

“That’s f**king hot!” Gasps Creative Voice. He’s sweating...

Internal CD player bumps Techno...

I eat string-cheese. I’m also sweating...

We were sitting in the booth, watching the show, and waiting for our drinks. It was crowded. There was some type of writing convention in town...Patron of the Arts...something or another. Damn. Writers sure can ‘coo’ and touch themselves inappropriately when they get liquored up...

Other Hubs are dancing seductively in gilded cages suspended from the ceiling...

Unbeknownst to us...Jay was across the room watching us and monitoring our progress. He wasn’t coo-ing. He was, however, touching himself in inappropriate places. He was also thinking of the Transylvanian Naked-Neck Chicken Hub he had been hankering to visit for some time. It should not be implied that the two actions were (necessarily) linked...

A guy (best described as) “A Henchman” approaches him. They speak briefly. Jay indicates our booth before the henchman moves off and Jay returns to his Transylvanian Naked-Neck Chicken Hub ruminations...

I was distracted by our drinks being delivered by an attractive Hub about sexy shoes. I’m really more of a foot kind of guy...but these left little to the imagination...

I had just tipped the attractive ‘foot-related’ Hub a crisp new dollar bill (American) when I felt movement...No...not that...the booth...

The booth swivels, as if on gimbals, into the wall, and the sexually charged steamy heat of the club were replaced with the cold Spartan office of the Vice-President in Charge of Public Relations and Terror at Kaos. Konrad Siegfried and his henchman (the man that spoke to Jay)...Shtarker.

The familiar KAOS emblem was hanging on the wall behind the desk...


Konrad Siegfried or simply Siegfried (Bernie Kopell).
Konrad Siegfried or simply Siegfried (Bernie Kopell). | Source
Shtarker.
Shtarker. | Source

Dumpkauft...This is Kaos...We Don’t...

“SIEGFRIED!” Both Creative Voice and I shout out. We couldn’t help but feel that we were one step closer to an understanding of Chaos Theory...

The Emmy award winning television show, Get Smart, first aired on September, 18, 1965 and was the brainchild of Mel Brooks and Buck Henry.

At the height of the Cold War it satirized the two leading film genres of the day...The James Bond franchise and The Pink Panther franchise which featured the bumbling antics of Inspector Clouseau.

I loved the show. In fact...I was once forced to drop out of college due to a poorly timed Get Smart marathon. It was worth it. That had been the second attempt at Intermediate Algebra...

“Dumpkauft!” Siegfried yelled at Shtarker. “You told me Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 were out there!”

Maxwell Smart (played by Don Adams) and Agent 99 (played by Barbara Feldon) were agents of CONTROL, headed by the Chief (played by Edward Platt). CONTROL was the government agency (of good and niceness) that would typically thwart Siegfried’s evil plays for power.

Shtarker sought to shift the blame to Jay for miss-identifying us in the club. He was sputtering a response when he was interrupted by Siegfried’s shout...

“DUMPKAUFT! Vis is Kaos...ve don’t...SPUTTER-SPUTTER HERE!”

Siegfried and I got to talking about old episodes of the popular TV show while sharing anecdotes about various characters. Creative Voice and Shtarker begin discussing the cuteness...that is...The Silkie Chicken. Creative Voice had pictures...

Siegfried revealed that The Hub-Tub of Hubbers Love was, in actuality, a Kaos-front organization that was ignored by Hubpages.com management in exchange for various favors...

I explained why we were here and our search for the three hallways...


Bettie Page with a riding crop
Bettie Page with a riding crop | Source
Chickens and a park vase
Chickens and a park vase | Source
The Double Cross Logo
The Double Cross Logo | Source
en:Lunch box
en:Lunch box | Source

Bad Directions...or Subterfuge...?

“Nein, nein, nein!” Shouted Siegfried in disgust. Each exclamation of the Germanic version of the word (no) was accompanied by a Teutonic slapping of his riding crop on the metal desk...

I was confused, “There’s nine hallways?”

“NEIN!” (Slap).

“Twenty-seven hallways...?”

“NEIN!” (Slap).

“Oh....how cute they are! SO SOFT!” Affirms Shtarker, of the pictures being shown to him, by Creative Voice. “Oh...cluck...cluck...”

“Right?” Asks Creative Voice bemusedly.

They both tuck their hands under their armpits, begin jerking their heads, and walking around like chickens...

“Cluck-Cluck. Cluck-Cluck.” They both move about the room...

“DUMPKAUFTS! Vis is Kaos...ve don’t...CLUCK-CLUCK HERE!”

Shtarker stops clucking and looks at his boss chastised,

Creative Voice drops his arms and casts a rueful look my way.

I didn’t know why he’s being all rueful. He has watched as many episodes of the show as I had.

From what Siegfried tells us...It appears that the two Pauls and a Jay had steered us wrong. There was a ‘capital Letter M’ but it did not signify the convergence of three hallways...it represented an ancient secret society. Siegfried gives us easily MapQuest-able directions.

He also expands on Kaos Theory, in great detail, but it mostly involves overthrowing democracy and suborning capitalism with, little direct mathematical implications, for the problem at hand...

“Why are you helping us?” I ask suspiciously. “What about your relationship with Hubpages management?”

“Ah...they are a great bunch of guys those boys.” Siegfried reflected expansively. “Still...we are Kaos...we double cross...that’s what we do.” He finished simply.

He walks around the desk...riding crop in hand before saying, “But the reason I am helping you is because of the Fall Semester 1985. You remember, yes?”

On October 8, 1985, a local television station in Southern California began airing a three week long marathon of Get Smart (Including, the rarely seen black-and-white pilot episode). There was nothing I could do. I missed my midterms...

“Such loyalty will be rewarded tonight!” Siegfried declared happily before ordering Shtarker to get a box of sandwiches and a thermos of coffee for our eventual ascent of Bald Mountain.

We talked about the formidable physical barriers that an accent of Bald Mountain would necessitate...

“If you need a good Sherpa guide,” Offers Siegfried, “I have a man...very reasonable...I used him in episode seven...season three...”


MacDonalds sign in Times Square, New York
MacDonalds sign in Times Square, New York | Source
Pyramid with the all-seeing eye on the back side of the US 1-Dollar bill
Pyramid with the all-seeing eye on the back side of the US 1-Dollar bill | Source
Cincinnati Red's outfielder Adam Dunn strikes out swinging to Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz. Braves' catcher Brian McCann catches the pitch behind the plate.
Cincinnati Red's outfielder Adam Dunn strikes out swinging to Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz. Braves' catcher Brian McCann catches the pitch behind the plate. | Source

The Illuminati...

A taxi dropped us off in front of the building. Yes. The capital letter M was hard to miss. We walked into the establishment and ordered. I got the Double-quarter Pounder with fries and a coke...Creative Voice got a chocolate shake, and Internal CD player...a Happy Meal...with juice.

We waited, as directed by Siegfried...

(Rattle-rattle)

A long ago memory is activated as I look up. No. It was the employee at the register counting out the vagrant’s spare change before passing across the, recently negotiated, and tired (heat lamped) apple pie...

We waited...

(Thwppp...Thwppp) Creative Voice finishes his shake...

Customers come in, order, eat, and leave. Employees work, bitch, and take their breaks...

We waited...

(Rattle-rattle).

I suddenly notice, a 40-years-older, Charlie Tamuda, standing at our table. The dead glass eye stares off vacantly as if contemplating a shopping list that needs completing.

I had not seen him since that day we graduated from the eighth grade in June of 1978...

His name tag identified him as the Assistant (night-time) Manager of this particular franchised eatery. The asthma still seemed to be an issue...

(Rattle-rattle).

I don’t recall from where my inspiration came...but I’m the one who picked the nickname that eventually stuck to Charlie in the fifth grade.

We had been playing softball and I had a view, perhaps, as good as anyone else’s on that day...

It was Charlie’s fault. He was standing too close as John Anton swung the bat at an outside pitch thrown by Jimmy Cooper...

For whatever reason, Charlie was standing at attention, like a Continental Soldier, three feet away, as John’s Louisville slugger chased his second strike that ended up connecting with Charlie’s left eye...

As a ten-year old boy on the scene...I can tell you...It was impressive. I don’t even know what all the fluids were that came gushing out of that eye-socket.

Charlie was gone for a month and when he returned...he had a glass eye...

“OH Mr. Forgets-His-glass-eye and stands at attention!” I exclaim...

He frowns. He never cared for the name. You just can’t pick your own nickname is all... He sits down with his employee discounted meal...



Caution (children playing) This is a non-standard roadsign. It probably dates from when the nearby Cherry Orchard estate was built (I have yet to find a date for it but probably 1960s). The red of the child and the warning triangle have faded to the
Caution (children playing) This is a non-standard roadsign. It probably dates from when the nearby Cherry Orchard estate was built (I have yet to find a date for it but probably 1960s). The red of the child and the warning triangle have faded to the | Source
Vase with 100 children playing; made in Jingdezhen, c. 1770–1795; porcelain decorated in polychrome overglaze enamels
Vase with 100 children playing; made in Jingdezhen, c. 1770–1795; porcelain decorated in polychrome overglaze enamels | Source
An illustration to Lokasenna. The list of illustrations in the front matter of the book gives this one the title Loki taunts Bragi.
An illustration to Lokasenna. The list of illustrations in the front matter of the book gives this one the title Loki taunts Bragi. | Source
This is the original insignia of the Bavarian Illuminati. It pictures the owl of Minerva - symbolising wisdom - on top of an opened book. This version of the owl comes from an early pamphlet, printed around 1776.
This is the original insignia of the Bavarian Illuminati. It pictures the owl of Minerva - symbolising wisdom - on top of an opened book. This version of the owl comes from an early pamphlet, printed around 1776. | Source
Professor Serge Lang lecturing for Math Club at the Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, on March 8, 2004. Photograph by Bogdan Oporowski.
Professor Serge Lang lecturing for Math Club at the Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, on March 8, 2004. Photograph by Bogdan Oporowski. | Source

Catching Up on Old Times...

“I’ve only got fifteen minutes.” Charlie declares as he begins eating. He cast his eye (not plural) over at Creative Voice. “You still hang out with this jerk?” He asks me.

“He’s helping me out on some writing projects.” I admit. I introduce Charlie to Internal CD player...

“I knew your grandfather...Internal 8 Track player. He was a good piece of machinery...” Charlie says politely as he chews his burger.

“Click, click...swirl...click,” Responds Internal CD Player before returning to his Happy Meal...

(Thwppp...Thwppp) Creative Voice pulls at the empty straw. To Charlie’s annoyance...

“So did Siegfried tell you what we needed?” I ask in a low voice as several customers pass by. “Can you help us?”

“Pfft...He told me what you wanted and I can point you in the right direction...but you guy’s won’t be able to figure it out. It’s pure mathematics. An algorithm wrapped tighter than string-cheese packaging around a stripper’s g-string. He slurps on his soda before continuing.

“If I remember correctly...you guys couldn’t even divide four into twelve. Oh...remember Mrs. Leonard? Second grade? She hated you guys...”

It’s true...kids can be cruel...

Creative Voice was sitting on Charlie’s left side. His blind side. He pulled a feather out of his pocket and began playing the game of, “pull a feather out of your pocket and try to get it as close to Charlie’s glass eye without actually touching it game.” It was all the rage in sixth grade...

Yes...there’s reasons why Charlie doesn’t like Creative Voice. Lack of peripheral vision is a bitch...so is Creative Voice...

As those who followed the case studies generally agreed...following my ninth year of awkwardness...I had, generally speaking, blossomed into an obnoxious little s**t once I understood the power of...the giggle.

“STOP THAT!” Yelled an annoyed Charlie. Other diners look our way...

I giggle.

(Rattle-rattle).

Charlie always rattled more when he got rattled. It was half the fun of rattling him...

He and Creative Voice started slapping at each other with their heads arched out of the way of any real damage...

“Hey, hey!” I interceded. Once they had settled down...I addressed Charlie...

“So Siegfried says that you are with the Illuminati and that you can answer our questions. Is that true? Are you with the Illuminati?”

Charlie looks embarrassed and doesn’t answer the question directly, “Humph...um...humph...well...the Aluminates...”

“What?” I attempt to clarify. “I missed that.”

“Um...I am the President of the Prussing Elementary Alumni Math Club.” Charlie finishes proudly.

Creative Voice and I stare at him. We exchange quizzical glances with one another. Who knew?

“Prussing Elementary had a math club?” Creative Voice asks surprised.

“Oh yes.” Charlie assures us enthusiastically. “It was very well attended, in fact.”

We talked until Charlie’s fifteen minutes were over...he had interesting information about Bald Mountain...


Buses. Pittburgh.
Buses. Pittburgh. | Source
A digital photograph of the Hereford String Orchestra playing at their Spring Concert on the 27th March 2010 in the Holy Trinity Church in Hereford, UK.
A digital photograph of the Hereford String Orchestra playing at their Spring Concert on the 27th March 2010 in the Holy Trinity Church in Hereford, UK. | Source
Title card of the Animated Short Subject "The Mad Doctor"
Title card of the Animated Short Subject "The Mad Doctor" | Source

The Ordeal of Bald Mountain...

We were in line at the base of Bald Mountain. Once Charlie had reminded me of the Chicago Public School District’s attempts to bring us culture...the memories clicked.

On four occasions each year...the transportation arm of the school district would move hordes of bored elementary kids all over the city to get us ‘cultured-up’ at various city venues.

These invariably included: A ballet (The Nutcracker), A String-Quartet Orchestra (no comment), a trip to the Art Institute (AWESOME!), and an annual viewing of Walt Disney’s 1940 classic movie...Fantasia.

‘Night on Bald Mountain and Ave Maria’ were the two closing scenes of that movie. For those that don’t remember...It features Satan on the top of the mountain...he opens up his wings...all the dead float up to him...and then go back down into their graves come morning...closing with a bunch of monks walking into a monastery...

Yeah. Jay’s full of s**t.

This has nothing to do with the puzzle that is... ‘Metrics, Mysteries of’.

Also, there was no ski resort run by Buddhist monks. I couldn’t help but feel as if I had been disabused of a notion that I had held earlier...

I didn’t know what the janitors were playing at...but I would sort it out once I got back home...

In the meantime...I planned on using our trip to the mountain constructively...besides...Internal CD player had never seen the movie...

I snuck out for a cigarette during the scene where Mickey Mouse is dancing with the brooms and mops. Once outside the door...I followed the signs to the smoking area. That’s when I saw him...sitting there waiting for his scene to start, practicing his lines, and smoking a cigarette...

Satan.


Illustration for John Milton’s “Paradise Lost“ by Gustave Doré, 1866.
Illustration for John Milton’s “Paradise Lost“ by Gustave Doré, 1866. | Source
Hell
Hell | Source

Asking for a Little Closure is All...

We got to chatting...

“So,” I start, “Do you have a Leonard, Mrs. (Bitch), down there with you?”

He consults his memory. “Second grade math teacher?”

“Yeah.”

He rolls his eyes and snorts. “Pfft...Yeah...we got her down in one of the deeper levels. A real piece of work that one. She’s known as ‘The Bitch’. Weird accident...a train backing up out of Cleveland got her as I recall...”

I understood that hell was organized into levels with each plateau serving as the final resting area of tortured souls with different horrors being meted out on different levels. I wanted to make sure that she was safely contained and getting what she deserved.

“What else is down there with her?” I asked worried. “She can’t get out can she?”

“Oh no, no, no...She’s down with the pedophiles, serial killers, math teachers, fallen priests, and a large portion of the metropolitan area of Cleveland, Ohio. She’s not getting out.”

I was relieved and knew that Creative Voice would be too. The show inside was coming to its concluding scenes. Satan had to go...

I had one more question...

“Aren’t you going to do a deal for my soul?” I ask...mildly offended that he hadn’t attempted to make at least an offer. I mean...even if you don’t want to go the party...it’s flattering to get an invite.

The Devil looks at me...all evil and (creepy) Devil-like...

“I was going to before I saw that somebody holds a priority lien.”

I immediately thought of my ex-wife.

“Really? Who’s that?”

“The Federal Student Loan Commission.” He says. “Apparently...you were funded for a semester...and then dropped out after taking the money? This would be in the Fall of 1985...”

“The devil you say?” That would explain some of the 800 numbers I had been ignoring...


A lone van sits uncomfortably in the desolate parking lot.
A lone van sits uncomfortably in the desolate parking lot. | Source
Contemplating laying in the fetal position while weeping silently...
Contemplating laying in the fetal position while weeping silently... | Source
yaks on the mountain
yaks on the mountain | Source

Clever Little Chestnut...

As adventures and heroic searches go...this one was a bust. I glumly cast an eye over my first paragraph...” I’m attempting to solve one of the greatest mysteries of the universe.” I’m a fool. Such hubris.

Even in defeat, however, I can’t help but play with the word hubris. No surprises...it has to be something hub based...hub—ris? I’m stalling...

I’m not stalling for my typical reasons. No. I know what I want to do with the story. Perhaps I may even pull a clever little chestnut or two out of the fire before that final paragraph? Perhaps not. It doesn’t matter...this has been a fool’s errand. Still...that was not the problem...

The problem was that I had planned on spending the night in a ski resort run by Buddhist Monks. While walking around looking for the registration desk (of the nonexistent ski resort) we had, inadvertently, missed the last bus down the mountain. I had no idea which way to go. I wasn’t paying attention on the way up...other than it was up.

I was resigned to laying down (in the fetal position) and silently weeping on the cruel mountain face...

(Rattle, rattle)

“Charlie?”

Five Yaks, their harnesses rattling, were being herded past us, by three unemployed Sherpa guides...


THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE CAPITAL NUMBER ‘M’ and THE LETTER 3

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Comments 91 comments

Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Wow... how long did it take you to write this one? This required quite a bit of time, didn't it?

By the way, I know how the scores work on Hubpages, but if I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Just kidding. Math sucks. I am just happy that my hub score stays in the 90s.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Jeannie...

The parts about hating Mrs. Leonard have been composing for about 40 years...the rest of this hub took about a week or 10 days to slap together.

OK...you're kidding that you know Hub scores? Or, your kidding that you would need to kill me? Math does suck...wanna go to a strip club with me?

Thomas


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Wow.... 40 years. I could feel the bitterness there.

I was kidding about both. Don't worry... I am not stalking you.

Hahaha... what does math have to do with a strip club? Will we learn math there while throwing dollars at strippers? Maybe that would be a good way to teach math in school.


jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

Three cups of coffee, five strippers, greater than ten shreds of string cheese, plus a tablespoon of conspiracy. This morning has started on a good footing!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jeannie...

Well now I am a little hurt...do you not find me stalk-able?? The forty years of bitterness did indeed fuel and inform my writing on this one.

The beauty of strip clubs? (and string cheese) is they take the place of math. I am pretty sure they teach you that in one of the last math classes... calculus maybe? I did not make it that far though...

Stop by anytime dear and we will share a little string cheese...

Thanks,

Thomas


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

I didn't say I did not find you stalk-able... just thought it was best not to mention it on Hubpages.

I must have been out sick during the string cheese and strip club lesson in math class. I would have definitely gone to class that day for that one if I'd known. What a shame.

Ah, string cheese... yummm.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

jhamann...

Any morning that you start out with strippers and string cheese and no work...it makes for a better day! I am glad I was able to provide the images of strippers and string cheese for that purpose.

I take no credit for you not having to work...it's Sunday. That would be that Gregorian Calender guy...

Thank you for your read and excellent words my friend! They are deeply appreciated.

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jeannie...

Right, right, right, right...I believe stalking is perhaps best left to Facebook...better set-up for such activities, really.

It is too bad you missed that math class (it may have been a Chicago Public School thing)...still...I found the concept to be quite liberating...2+7=apple/the square root of a stripper. It just makes as much sense as what the math books were peddling...

Stalk you later dear-ums,

Thomas


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

Mrs. Leonard sounds like my 5th grade Math Teacher, Mrs. Neuman...who traumatized me. I hated Math for YEARS...But today, I enjoy counting Money and I can even Balance a Check Book...NOT, Lover Man does that to the Penny. Loved your Hub ThoughtSandwiches, because it is so Unbalanced and a bit Crazy...Do not EVER become SANE...Stay out there and be Creative!


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 5 years ago from Minnesota

You just gave me an excellent idea for a hub. I went to Catholic School in the 70's and I have the pulled ears as evidence. Lots of stored memoirs of those days with the angry sisters/nuns. Thanks for a very creative, funny and enjoyable hub. You have a real gift for writing :-0


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

b. malin...

I also like counting money...the very few dollars I have to count are still within my comfort zone...i.e....I don't have to get to three.

Thank you for your very kind words! I would say that

a case of suddenly occurring sanity are probably off the table...as such...I shall remain 'out there'. Please come visit...send cheese...

Thanks!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Minnetonkin Twin...

I look forward to your story about nun tyranny!

My sisters (both older) went through the Catholic School thing...I was spared such things due to divorce...single-mom thing which sent me to Room 104 and Mrs. Leonard's tender mercies.

Thank you for your visit and wonderful words of encouragement. They are truly valued.

Thomas


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 5 years ago from Minnesota

You are so welcome ThoughtSandwiches. I forgot to mention that your writing humbled me in that among your other writing strength's, I see myself as having a pretty good vocabulary. After reading your hub about your sinister teacher, I looked up about 11 words to add to my vocabulary repertoire.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Minnetonka Twin...

Oh oh...perhaps I should warn you...I sometimes make words up. I believe that my computer is running so slow because of the shear number of nonsensical 'sound' words I add to my dictionary. Just saying...check with Webster...

Thomas


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

Thomas...you are one of a kind! Consider that a heck of a compliment! :))


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Linda...

Of course I consider that a compliment. Mom told me that when people said that I was, "special" that I should also consider that a compliment. I always do.

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a complimentary comment.

Thomas


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

Mother always knows best :))


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Linda...

She also said that...


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

My goodness, Mr. ThoughtSandwiches, you had me worried there for a minute. I thought the staff cafeteria hyperlink was going to go to silkie chickens, or was it that silkie chickens were going to the staff cafeteria. That was scary.

And even scarier, you put a picture of colonel sanders next to the silkie chicken picture. That chicken is one scared chicken.

And whatever you were drinking when you wrote this, I want some. It must have been one hum-dinger of a special recipe.

Thanks for all the silkie links and for the transylvanian naked neck link also.

Has anyone ever told you that you are ... how do I put this delicately ... hummmmm ... it starts with a CR ... and ends in a AZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

Now I'm just trying to follow this hub - I think it's called stalking - but keep it hush hush - and it insists that I leave another freaking comment! So there it was!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

homestead...

That's nuts! How did you know my mom called me CRYPT LAZY in sixth grade?!?

Never worry dear...I would never hurt a Silkie in one of my hubs. I can't speak to what Jay has going on with the naked-neck thing...I don't like to pry.

Isn't that the creepiest Colonel Sanders??

I believe we may need to work you up to that particular 'tonic' special recipe...

Thank you for taking the time for such a nice comment!

Thomas

PS...not for nothing...but you don't really stalk for shit, huh? (laughing) ...I believe it's best done silently...behind a big plant...unobtrusively...


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

I looking but I CAN"T SEE A BIG BUSH! Now what do I do?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Abort the mission...abort! (homestead puts her hands behind her back...looks upward...starts whistling tunelessly while heading towards the door.) Her ruse is successful...well played homestead...well played...


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

bowing ... Thank you, thank you, thank you ...

has anyone ever told you your nose is cold and wet?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

That was actually one of the listed complaints in my divorce paperwork.


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

2:24 good nite


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

lol..night.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I understand the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics, but understanding Hubscores is beyond my capability.

Funny stuff!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Will...

So are you saying my Long Division skills are NOT to blame?? Thank you kindly sir for taking the time to read and drop a comment! I very much appreciate it!

Thanks,

Thomas


MizBejabbers profile image

MizBejabbers 5 years ago

Mrs. Leonard sounds like my fifth grade teacher, Miss Parks, who cracked my ear with a ruler over my penmanship. You lost me about Eisenberg, though, because I have adult attention deficit disorder and this hub jumped around better than a prized jumping frog at Toad Suck Daze. Wait a minute, am I the one with AADD?


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I thi k we all had a Mrs.Leonard in our lives:) also I do not know very many writer people who like math - it seems to be a prerequisite. Hilarious - gas ovens:) and I almost died whe. You stuck that "NIEN" in there! Lol.

No one knows what the real score is TS! Now don't worry your pretty head - have some fig newtons and go see a stripper.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

MizBejabbers...

"Toad Suck Daze" I would be fibbing if I said I wasn't intrigued...

I have never been diagnosed with AADD...I have always blamed it on the inhalation of 'chalk dust' at an early age. Another horror to leave at Mrs. Leonard's doorstep.

Thank you very much for the read and comment! I appreciate it!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Real...

The Mrs Leonard(s) of the world do seem to be prevalent, huh? I never had issues with History or English teachers...but math teachers? Oh...and PE teachers...

I understand that there is no fathoming of the 'secret sauce' recipe but...I believe I have put 'management' on notice that...you know...straight says...I'm confused.

I have actually been banned from bringing fig newtons into the stripping establishments of Reno, Nevada. I blame Mrs. Leonard.

My pretty head is as 'not worried' as it ever is. And...as 'pretty' as it ever is...

I'm very glad you enjoyed it!

Thomas

PS...I need some soup broth for barbergirl...or a ham. Have you ham, per chance?


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Oh remind me of PE thank you! My teachers name was Mrs. Robinson:-/ she was horrible - just the character you would expect - 5 feet tall - 1200 pounds and she liked to wear knee socks that stopped at the shin. She would below out how we should run faster! Sweat more! You know we were all thinking "what a role model"!

Ham....or soup broth....no no, but I did mean to point out that hub shouldn't be so stingy about sharing the secret sauce. McDonalds didn't crumble when we found out their "secret sauce" was 1000 Islands:) lmao


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Real...

After hanging (rather ingloriously) from that knotted rope...halfway up...my PE guy (Mr. Stenner) would have me count the bricks in the gymnasium. I must say...Chicago Schools in the 70s had a lot of bricks...

Thomas

PS...So it was 1000 Island Dressing?? I was close...I said 600 Island Dressing...


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Thomas,

You almost lost me at the beginning when you started out talking about that horrid subject "Math". But I decided to continue reading on anyway and this story has kept me entertained for most of the day. I read slow...Just kidding it was long though but totally entertaining as usual. Great Job! Keep them coming.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Susan...

I almost lost my own self when I started writing it. How should I explain Hub metrics? By not explaining it at all (as it turns out)...it was a long journey to return to the same place, huh?

Anywho...I am more than happy that you enjoyed it...I feel as if I have exorcised some of the demons that was...Mrs. Leonard.

Thanks!

Thomas


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I have a poem written on Hubberscore if you want to check it out :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Susan...

I loved it! I have included a link to it. I understand that you would probably prefer not be associated with such literary depravity...but that has never stopped me before.

Thanks!

Thomas


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 5 years ago from Canada

Hi ThoughtSandwiches, I appreciate your quest to find the secret of the Hub metrics algorithmn thingy. Mine? Sliding like the proverbial arthritic stripper down her proverbial pole. Never really did get the Love though, small cliental, but very nice. Friendly and good with the tips. I've been reading here a very long time, hope that helps your score. You are a very funny guy, I laughed out loud reading this, but I can't remember which part it was, I will have another read, see if your Hub is Evergreen. Regards, snakeslane ps. We all have a Mrs. Leonard in our life. For me it was Mr. Norman. You may have inspired me to write about that, right after I finish this package of cheese strings.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

snakeslane...

I really look forward to your Mr. Norman story! I am glad I was able to entertain and occasion a giggle or two.

In terms of evergreen...yeah...not so much on my stuff. I believe it would require a minimal effort, on my part, to understand key words and what not. I don't see that happening.

It is very nice to meet you (officially). I have seen you skulking about and have meant to go see some of your stuff. I shall now do that!

Thanks,

Thomas


ewelz51 profile image

ewelz51 5 years ago from Somewhere in the South...

I did not have a Mrs. Leonard, though one of my kids had a teacher similar...one wonders why they teach. I think back on most of mine and think I hit the jackpot. Loved this hub, though!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

ewelz51...

I think, in the main, most of my teachers were gems...it is for that reason that Mrs. Leonard has stood out in my memory so well.

I'm very glad you liked this and I thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!

Thomas


MizBejabbers profile image

MizBejabbers 5 years ago

ThoughtSandwiches, Toad Suck Daze is an annual spring festival in Conway, Arkansas. It gets its name from the "famous" Toad Suck Ferry (yes, a real ferry), and the highlight of the event is a jumping frog contest of real frogs. They put them on a special frog-sized racetrack and see whose frog can jump the fartherest (Usually by poking said frogs on their rears to make them jump). I'm really not trying to pull your leg. I voted you up and rated it funny and interesting.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

MizBejabbers...

That is an awesome story! I always wondered what was going on in the hinterlands of the country. I now feel as if I have a gauge on the pulse of Conway, Arkansas! The information may end up in a story some day...

Speaking of Up...Thank you also for the vote Up, funny and Interesting!

Thomas


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FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

Now that I have finished this saga of the Math Issue of algothorism data I can finally comment. I note that there is only one ad on this hub. Hmmm. Lots of people didn't do well with math, but I don't see how teachers teasing their students does anything other than make them hate school.

This was a delightful romp through the history of mathamatics personalities-and some od references to popular culture. I loved Get Snmart. An ill-timed Get Smart marathon, eh? Well, you had priorities straight.


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Flora...

I took you for a fellow-ette Get Smart fan! I also liked Hogan's Heroes, F-Troop, Gilligan's Island...mine was a renaissance upbringing!

I am very glad you like it. That (one) ad is in the worst possible place too...I know how Nellieanna feels! Thank you for making it through this whole thing...it was a saga.

Thomas

PS...My next Hub seems to be centering on Canada. I apologize in advance...


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barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

I just wanted to let you know that my kids watched the entire movie Rango during the time it took me to read this. Wait... I think Rango finished first. So, right now I am contemplating entirely what string cheese and strippers have to do with each other. I am sure that wasn't your genius point meant to be taken from this article, but that really stuck with me. And since I read this to the sound of Rango... I am envision some pretty weird things. Yet, I still don't understand hub score drop and rising. Where was the answer!!!! Or maybe I already have it (wink wink wink)

(Walks off with a Mountain Dew and leaves a Pepsi behind!)


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RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Oh what's 400 Islands off? Cut yourself some slack...you're udderly perfect:) haha couldn't resist:)


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Stacy...

The length of the piece mirrors the time I have devoted to nursing my hatred of (and for) Mrs. Leonard.

That is where you are wrong my friend...the link between string cheese and strippers was my 'genius point'...you are right to question the vision...

I have never seen Rango (Johnny Depp, right?), but I am going to go see Hunter S Thompson's 'The Rum Diary'...with same said Depp...as soon as I finish the book. This is complicated by the Hub Patron thing.

Really? You leave a Pepsi? Well...ain't that a Mrs. Leonard...

Good to see you dear! Thanks for slugging through 40 years of math phobias!

Thomas


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Real...

When it comes to numbers...I go by Price Is Right rules...closest to...without going over.

haha...you said udderly...that reminds me of cheese...and strippers...

Thomas


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snakeslane 5 years ago from Canada

I'm happy tp meet you too ThoughtSandwiches, only just seen you lurking about, so thought I would check out your hottest hub.


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

snakeslane...

In the three months I have been here...the shear number of talented poets and writers lurking and skulking about never ceases to amaze me!

I have also been surprised by the tendency of writers to lurk and skulk. I look forward to when the contest is over and writing will slow and reading will be caught up...

Thank you for the visits!

Thomas


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barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

You should check out Rango - it is funny and they have some reptiles that might remind you of strippers, although the string cheese really doesn't come up. But now that I am thinking of string cheese... I am kind of hungry. Hmmmm - I didn't know you liked Pepsi - I prefer coke. And I understand your hatered for spok's (I have no clue how to spell it) wife - I envision a similair teacher of mine. She wasn't mean, but she looked mean. So I imagined her face as you were talking about your hate of your old Math Teacher!


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Stacy...

My roomies (who have children...which are two of my other roomies) saw Rango in the theater. Neither they, or child, have requested a re-see. I shall probe Netflix options.

(Laughing) so...your clueless-ness about spelling 'Spok's' (wife?) has left me clueless on it's meaning...I mean...I'm really trying and shit...

I prefer Mountain Dew to Pepsi. As regards the 'darker' colas...Coke reigns supreme. I feel strongly about this.

I honestly blocked out what Mrs. Leonard looked like I think...I got nothing when I was writing this. I decided to turn her into Charlie Brown's teacher. I'm glad your mean looking...but not mean teacher was able to fill in.

Did you hear about the rash of Garden Gnome related robberies in St. Louis? Mostly they take food and stuff...

Thomas


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barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Ha ha - name Leonard - makes me think Star Trek - no relation... but I think odd things at most times. It's a random happenstance. Considering it is after midnight, chances are good I am lacking oxygen to my brain from a lack of sleep thingy.

As for Rango - it has lots of Adult humor in it. I find it amusing because of that... my son - who is 2 can quote the whole movie.... well, we dont' undertand him, but it sounds like he is trying to quote the movie.

Crazy - that you said that about Pepsi and Dew... I prefer Dew over Pepsi and agree Coke reigns supreme. I too feel strongly.

I did hear about the Garden Gnome related robberies... mmmm... a snickers magically appeared with a mountain dew!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

(munching snickers...slurping Dew...thinking...munching...slurping...)

OK...I have been writing so much...reading...writing comments...I was unsure if I had (somehow) mentioned Leonard Nemoy in one of these things.

Your clarification will allow rest this evening. I understand about the after 12 thing.

I like your ideas about beverages.

Thomas


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phdast7 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Thomas- You have done it again, so why am I surprised. Actually, I think the emotion is delighted. Please keep searching for the equation that will explain Hub Metrics...I don't really think there is one. I think they are power-hungry fascists who enjoy tormenting the rest of us by irrationally raising and lowering our scores.

Among my favorite references: Werner Heisenberg (I try to explain his Uncertainty Principle in my History of Science class), string cheese, String Theory, Archimedes, Angst, Fig Newtons, Chaos Theory, KAOS, Siegfried, the letter M, Hell; I am laughing again just remembering it all.

What incredible fun and without doing drugs or imbibing alcohol...well, I am not using drugs or alcohol....... I know it is not the same but I give your marvelous Hub a 99. Why not 100? Because a 100 might result in you losing the impetus to improve, to strive, and subsequently losing the will to live. And we simply cannot have that. :) Theresa


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Theresa...

I believe you are right about the fascist angle...I seem to recall Sinclair Lewis mentioning Hub Metrics in his book, 'It Can't Happen Here." I think we now know what the janitors were playing at...

Looking at your list of reference points...damn there is a lot of silly stuff in this one!

I am very glad you enjoyed this (with or without imbibing tendencies) Thank you for only giving me a 99...I now have the impetus to take a shower tomorrow and attempt to be all I can be...while being squeaky clean!

Thanks,

Thomas


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

Thomas, I do have the hardest time keeping up with you and your literary creations. I love your illustrations, and I cannot stop looking at the Fig Newtons and Gary Coleman. WHY IS THAT? When was the last time I had a Fig Newton? Is it time to go and buy some? They do have them in strawberry, too. I do not do math. In fact, my husband doesn't do math, either. So when we go grocery shopping, we are standing in front of the aisles, counting our fingers. Are we getting a deal or not? Yes, a match made in Heaven. This Hub is a reminder of my math shortcomings and the bitch I had for a teacher in 3rd and 6th grade. Did I deserve her? Noooo! But you may see me one day at the CircusCircus blackjack table late some night, counting my fingers under the table. Of course, no one will be sitting next to me. I will have the dealer all to myself as I slowly count to 21. Thanks for the memories. In my next life, I will be a rocket scientist who can't write anything but formulas. Voted up and keying in all the rest.


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

I can see you (in my minds eye) struggling under the blackjack table! Needless to say...I have the perfect number of appendages to play 21...also needless to say...no one sits next to me either.

The fig newtons are compelling...

In another life I may be a math major...I hope not. although I was also a fan of I Dream of Jeannie and I wanted to be an astronaut. A lot of math in being an astronaut...

I like your Up votes, love your visit, and live for your kind comments my friend!

Thomas


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

Okay, Thomas. Still need to catch up with you. Did you know they have "I Dream of Jeannie" penny slots? I was always a fan of Larry Hagman (Major Anthony Nelson). What a career! But in my heart, I will always be Elly Mae Clampett. Or was that Granny? Maybe a combo??? Keep writing. I'm kinda slow, but I am a'following you, Reno man. If I can find my keys, I'm gonna make a trip to WINCO for my original Fig Newtons. I already have the NON-FAT milk to go with it. What a calorie sacrifice on a Sunday night!


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

I am aware of the 'I Dream of Jeannie' penny slots and I always loved Colonel Bellows...poor dumb bastard! I actually had a thing for Elly Mae...that was you?

I think a trip to WINCO would certainly be a good idea because...as I said...the newtons are compelling...

You totally rock my friend!

Thomas


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epigramman 5 years ago

.......I always admire you for the time and effort that you put into each hub - they're like epic shrines of greatness and just so much fun that it would take 2 or 3 visits to fully comprehend and enjoy everything you have to offer here - and yes another hubgem posted to my Facebook page with a direct link back here.

Please check out a fellow hub buddy of mine KALLINI 2010 - I think you will enjoy her hubs as well.

lake erie time ontario canada: 1:09pm

....all we gotta do now is find a suitable frame and put some of your work into the (Hub)Louvre.


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

epigramman...

I thank you sir...you have actually stumbled across my plan to increase page views (layer with confusion thus necessitating repeat visits) ...as peppering them with key words (oysters, usually) hasn't seemed to work.

You had mentioned KALLINI 2010 before and I vowed to read her when this contest thing started. I thank you for reminding me and I have re-added her to a 'growing' list of awesome reads coming from fellow Hubbers.

Your choice words have made rolling out of bed a pleasure my friend. I would finish off with the whole cool date line thing (as you do) but I don't have my glasses on and the clock is a blur...

Thomas


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

Dammit! I bought a package of Fig Newtons at the bread store yesterday and have been eating them ever since. But they aren't the Fig Fig Newtons. They are by Hostess. Anyway, I can't stop eating them. I am at your mercy if you mention or insert a photograph of food in one of your Hubs. Maybe I'd be better off writing fan mail to William Hurt. Or was that Bernie Madoff. Or The Fonz?


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

I do hope you went all out and got some 'real' milk and not that skim crap you had mentioned?

In terms of sending fan man...Bernie's doing slow time...he would want to do some reading i think...as for William Hurt...I'm pretty sure no one has sent him a script to read in quite some time...no...screw him...send it to the Fonz!

I have a picture of a rather disgusting looking puffer fish in one of my tales...That shouldn't inspire too much fiending..

Thomas.


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

In 1968, on a trip to the Philippines, I caught a tiny puffer fish and held it in my hands for a minute before returning it to the ocean. I am looking forward to more of your writing--puffer fish and all. But I do agree with you. At this moment, I don't have the hots for William Hurt. I would much rather "tackle" Kevin Costner in the coffin during the beginning scenes of "The Big Chill." Gawwd--that was YEARS ago, when you think about it . . .


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

I'm sure you remember the debate performance of Al Gore in 2000...you know...when he was acting like he had a stick up his ass?

That's what I think of William Hurt...no...he doesn't remind me of Al Gore with a stick up his ass...he reminds me of the stick that is up Al Gore's ass.

It HAS been a lot of years, huh? William Hurt has been ruining movies for days...

Thomas

PS...something I need to know about Kevin Costner?


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

Psssst! Thomas, my movie buff brother has always reminded me that Kevin Costner's big break was in "The Big Chill" as the guy who committed suicide. He is shown in the beginning of the movie, but you only see his stitched-up wrists as the funeral parlor staff pulls his shirt and suit over them. You don't see his face, so you can't identify him. At the time, he didn't have the "star power" of the other actors, but you have to admit that he did catch up with them ($$$$$) over the years.


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

You are correct...Kevin Costner WAS in that movie...I totally forgot. As I said...There wasn't enough time to do ALL the research...you know...watch the movies and everything...

You are also right...Kevin Costner did catch up money-wise...and then spent all the money to try and make Water World. (laughing).

Thomas


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nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Well, my friend, this was yet another unique journey... As Buzz Lightyear would say: to infinity and beyond - that's where we go while reading your never-ending ramblings :)

I don't know why I mentioned Buzz Lightyear, but reading your hubs sometimes makes me think of things/people/happenings that have no link to reality whatsoever... When I think about it, let me change that 'sometimes' into ALWAYS...

Mrs. Leonard was a bitch indeed, and I'm sure you would know how to hack the Hubscore today if only she had tried harder to teach you the secret art of mathematics...

I must say you are lucky that the two Pauls and the Jay, as well as all the Canadian hubbers, are apparently not grudge holders or easily offended in general... If they were, you would probably get the chance to see how it feels to spend time in the Monopoly/Hubsville prison :)

I am now officially back on track, having consumed all the thought sandwiches you have prepared for us since the beginning of November. It was a great feast and I can't wait to receive that email saying "We thought that you would like to know that ThoughtSandwiches, a Hubber who you are following, just published a new hub!"


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ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

boskov...

Alas...you are on to me. The fact that various sections have no link to reality is one half of the secret sauce recipe...the other half is that they, very often, have no link with one another either.

Indeed...Mrs. Leonard was a bitch.

I must say...like my very good friend, Faye, I have yet to hear from the two Pauls and a Jay. That may be a good thing. The Canadian contingent have been quite boisterous in their support. Truly gratifying.

I was effectively banned for about a day and a half by Charter Communications due to "service interruption" but I used the time off line to pen the Don Quixote story...as they say...bust hands are happy hands.

In fact...I think the pilgrims used to say it.

Thank you for the wonderful comment my friend!

Thomas


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Thomas, the sections that have no link to reality or with one another are the very things that keeps your stories what they are; and this is why I and many others enjoy them - or something like that...

I hope the CM has another "service interruption" soon, as the last one obviously resulted in a mad-enough hub written, or maybe it's better to say named by you - as it was written by Creative Voice :)

Therefore, I'm praying for the "service interruption" to occur soon enough, my friend!


Perspycacious profile image

Perspycacious 4 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

Slugging through this I felt I should have saved my slugging and given it to you for Mrs. Leonard. My favorite "Math Moment" came in a high school Algebra class when Mrs. Berlyson, standing back to the class at the blackboard was the unintended recipient of a spit ball that, like a slug, left a trail as it descended the board just to her right. She turned looked right at the perpetrator who had intended the spitball for a fellow student who had seated himself at just the wrong moment, and demanded "Wimpy Andrews, do you know who did that?!" To the which (not witch, she was nice) Mr. Andrews replied, "I do, but I wouldn't want to tell on the poor guy." Mrs. Berlyson, to her everlasting credit, joined in the ensuing laughter.


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Perspycacious...

Mrs. Berlyson does sound like a keeper! I eventually made it through the hoops and tires of math requirements but I always found...the math teachers whose classes I passed...all had senses of humor. Mrs. Leonard had no sense of humor, thus...Mrs. Leonard was a Bitch.

Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment! I am glad you enjoyed it!

Thomas


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

up and shared. i hate math too!


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

PDX...

Math is just one, of three reasons, why I did not become an astronaut. Thank you for the comment and the share!

Thomas


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

i take that back. i enjoy math, especially real world applications regarding profit and loss. I just do not like math class and most math teachers are gigantic tools.

what were the other two reasons? reason one for me is that you usually vomit when you leave the atmosphere and I am emetephobic.


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

PDX...

To be completely truthful...the number "three" was pulled rather randomly as a certain number of reasons of why I'm not an astronaut. I really liked the shoe I Dream of Jeanie...and Major Nelson was an astronaut...and Barbara Eden... Although...of that show...Colonel Bellows was my favorite. I ramble. And yet...perhaps a story idea...

Have a great Christmas! Oh...I hella liked the emetophobia word...I looked it up and everything!

Thomas


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

Thomas, Merry Christmas to you. i also like that word as it gives medical validity to my fear of vomiting and/or witnessing vomiting.


iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

I think you are a very nice person with a lot of stories to tell. Reguardless, I am wondering if you could change the following: "The process was designed to be efficient. Like the gas ovens of Auschwitz."..It is a little offensive for some of us.


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi iamaudraleigh,

I must admit that in over 100,000 words published here...that this is my first request from someone to self-censor myself.

Needless to say, my type of writing is designed to push the envelope and, in the tradition of a Lenny Bruce or George Carlin, there will be people offended by what I write. That is only natural.

That said, it is not my desire to offend gratuitously and in this case will substitute the offending passage with another offending passage...I fear this will lead to a slippery slope, however.

Thomas


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

He really is a true gentleman underneath the push-the-envelope persona, isn't he iamaudraliegh.


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Alastar,

Ahhh my friend...you are the TRUE gentleman here!

Thomas


iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

Thank you


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

iamaudraleigh,

You are more than welcome. I apologize for offending you.

Thomas


jhamann profile image

jhamann 4 years ago from Reno NV

Awesome


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jamie,

Why thank you my friend! I'm glad you liked this one!

Thomas


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Thomas....Awoke this a.m. just a bit cranky (& creaky) Even after 2 cups of coffee so strong, it can curl your knee caps......I needed "something." Instantly you came to mind and off I went........this hub looked like a good choice.

Yes, I was right......by the time I got to your pictures and descriptions of the janitors, I had all but reached peak-morning condition........but, then I fell apart, the hysterical, loud laughter of a psycho in lock-up, boomed throughout the house..

My husband, smiling, asked me what on earth?.......and tried reading over my shoulder WHICH HE KNOWS I POSITIVELY DESPISE.....and I just told him not to bother to read....."Forget it honey, you wouldn't laugh......this guy is genuinely abnormal." To which my husband flatly replied......"Oh, well ....now I understand why you're laughing so hard."

He'll pay. I have the whole day ahead of me to plot.

You mention your Mom in comments with Sunshine.......and for the first time in 40 years, I had a true urge to pray for someone.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Paula,

Both cranky AND creaking?? lol...I'm glad I was able to help out with that situation! After a 10 hour mind-numbing experience working a temp-gig at a warehouse...my day was transformed by, "this guy is genuinely abnormal." I ain't gonna lie...it brought a tear to my eye. I burst forth with pride!

I always get the hee-bee jeebies when someone reads over my shoulder! Please plot revenge for me too.

You know? None of the "janitors" ever did contact me with answers to my questions but this hub was fairly cathartic...I have never worried about scores since writing this!

I hope the remainder of your day remained crank and creak free!

Thomas

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