My Almost Suicide

My Almost Suicide

My Almost Suicide

by Chuck RitenouR

In April of 2002, I attempted to take my own life. I had lost the love of my life and simply did not wish to continue living. I believe everyone and anyone has the right to chose life or ending life. Fortunately, I was not very efficient. I had decided to use a combination of sleeping pills and other meds which surely to my way of thinking would get the job done. I took about two dozen tablets and chased them with a bottle of Patron tequila. If its your last bottle of tequila, it should be your favorite. I drank the bottle in about 30 minutes and became very tired and managed to stagger to my bed. I noticed it was 11:20 PM by the little alarm clock on the night stand by my bed. It was the last thing I would remember until 12:30 AM.

I was hovering above my body and looking down on myself as I lay there unconscious. I heard a voice say softly, "You are not finished." Then, I heard a loud snap as if my chest had split in two. I sat straight up in bed and looked over at the alarm clock. It was 12:30AM. I was no longer drunk nor feeling the effects of the pills.The minute I opened my eyes, I was completely sober. I got up and walked down the hall to my bath room and washed my face with cold tap water. I spent the rest of the night thinking about what had just transpired. I could find no answers only questions.

What just happened? Who's voice did I hear? Why am I still alive? Did I die and return? Why after such a short time was I no longer intoxicated? At times, these questions rumble through my mind like a runaway freight train. I look back on my life since that night and see the change it brought.

I began writing songs, poetry and keeping a journal again. I no longer concentrated on the future and began living one day at a time. Actually, it would be more correct to say I began living every day like it was my last day. I started practicing random acts of kindness, doing things without any thought of reward. Believe me when I say this was not my natural state of existence prior to that 12:30 AM awakening.

It has been eight years and some months since that night. Tonight, I find myself sleepless once again. I am compelled to write about something that had remained hidden deep within, hidden from my family, hidden from my friends and hidden from you. Tonight, I exorcise yet another of my personal demons, "My Almost Suicide".

the end or is it the beginning.

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Comments 6 comments

dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 6 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

Writing is a way to cope.


Chuck RitenouR profile image

Chuck RitenouR 6 years ago from Front Royal, Virginia Author

I suppose it is that....


equealla profile image

equealla 6 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

I do not even want to imagine losing the love of my life. Most probably I will feel just the way you did, not wanting to continue alone.

It was an amazing experience you had, fascinating, almost. There are sure a lot of phenomena and roads the human has not traveled as yet. This is the wonder of our existence "dead or alive" all these things happening to us. Just shows the body is just a mere vehicle carrying the real you.

Whatever or whoever did your "pannelbeating" on that night, did a good job, and we are glad you are still here to share you life and songs with us.


Chuck RitenouR profile image

Chuck RitenouR 6 years ago from Front Royal, Virginia Author

equealla,

thank you for the comment. at first, it was very difficult to discuss, but as time has passed it has become less so. I am still searching for the answers. Destiny, fate, purpose, design all elude me still.


Richlove profile image

Richlove 6 years ago from Denver,CO

You too huh? well i gota say maybe it wasn't your time. Maybe just maybe that voice was your guardian angel. And you had something to accomplish before you met your maker....but then again these are all my theories and they're kinda retarded but still mad props on how you wrote this. Kudos man Kudos.


Chuck RitenouR profile image

Chuck RitenouR 6 years ago from Front Royal, Virginia Author

Richlove,

This was a very difficult subject to write about. Afterwards, I felt lighter. Thanks for your comment.

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