My Cat Is Kneading Me To Death
I Think She Thinks I Am Her Mother
I come home late at night and go on the computer
I try to type a hub or read one hub even better
Charlette my little rolly polly kitten
Who is round in the middle like a Pillsbury Dough girl
Jumps on my lap
I think that is fine
I give her a series of kisses on the forehead rapid fire
She looks like she wants my attention and is going to settle down on my lap
Instead she reaches up to my left arm and starts to knead uncontrollably
For the next five to ten minutes unless I stop her
She digs her claws into my bathrobe for so so long almost to make my skin raw underneath
I want to show her I love her
But enough is enough
I think she thinks I am her mother from birth
Since we got her when she was just a few weeks old
Well lets get one thing straight
O.k. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea
I throw on my wifes bathrobe because it is soft and comty
I had a real mans bathrobe but when I put it away last winter it some how disappeared
It got misplaced and I don't have the heart to tell my wife
I put something where it should never be
In the land of all lost things
Where my bathrobe takes up no space
It can't be found no matter how hard I look
It has found a home that serves it better
Since I have neglected it from the start
Even though I say I miss it so much
Why wouldn't I have taken better care of it
So if my man's bathrobe could hear me speak
It would think something like this
You waited till I was gone and you gave up searching for me
After only a couple of days
By taking my place with a fluffy blue and pink imposter 100% polyester robe
I was out of sight but you were always on my mind
That's not true replaced me with a she
A bathrobe only womean should wear
You have tossed me aside like a rag doll
If that wasn't painful enough
You add insult to injury
By walking around all nice and warm
Bragging this isn't half bad
I never realized what I missed
Stop this nonsense
I won't hear another word of it
You are not even thinking of me anymore
So if that's the way you want it
I will show you
Wait till some of your friends find out you parade in the house after dark In a womans frilly robe
I think that is the femine side of you coming out
I have noticed you have also taken your wifes fluffy slippers on occasion too
Are you beginning to start a trend
Or have you gone off your wits end
What is going on with you ?
Snap out of it
Are you suffering from depression ?
Are you having split personalities that are secretly acting out
I just want to be back in your life
The first thing you would grab every night
I don't care if once and awhile you pull your wifes bathrobe out and wear it
I am not an ego maniac like some people think
But we have to set some hard fast rules
I get a front spot in the closet and she ( your female bathrobe)
Gets put in the back almost unseen when the closet door is opened
You have to feel around and find her adventually
You find me first and say you are sorry
I will accept your apology if you really mean it
I am not as mean as others would think and make me out to be
I have to be manly and no frills for me
I am terry cloth and all white
No frills no flamboyant colors ever
The color white is pure and bold
I am the freshness that you need and see when you get up the first thing in the morning
Every morning
O.k. I get summers off because I make you too hot
I can settle for nine months of the year
I will enjoy the summer off since you caused me all kinds of stress and anxiety
You almost made me go see a shrink
I new it wasn't me
Just your strange change in color and odd behavior
Your imagination playing tricks on you again
When you bought me
I was one of those fancy cruise ship bathrobes that kept you warm late at night
You brought me home and I haven't been on a cruise since
Does that seem fair to me ?
I have one large pocket on your right side to store kleenex and money in
Yeah your right who needs money that bad
I know you can't use it in your sleep
But your pocket is big enough to hold anything of value
So it won't get lost
When you agree and take me back to be your best buddy
Where I can pamper you in a manly way with my plushness and comfort
The way I use to with home security
Even though you can't wrap me around your waist no more
It couldn't be that your putting on the extra pounds and you lost the tie rope that goes around you waist
I don't care as long as you sign the contract that you see in front of you
So be loyal and true
To many I am just a bathrobe
To you I am an old friend who has come back to stay
As long as you find me before I dry rot away