My Crush on Bangor Judy , the logger !
Chapter one !
There I was , sitting in Gritty's Brew Pub , Portland Maine .the little seacoast city ,the "old town " section of the biggest little city in " Down East Maine," on the waterfront there are a couple of decent little bars where a lotta good food and spirits are served up with a little attitude to boot ! . The bar was lined with fishermen coming off the local lobster boats , off duty firemen , a cop or two and the local mayor . I had told myself ...."okay dokay , three beers and go home ! "....yet ,The company was great and the talk was cheap , a combination that always leads to trouble ,now add to that the taste of draght beer .......trouble with a capital T
Six pitchers later , I was coming back from the little boys room when , looking down I ran right smack into someone in the dark hallway ! It was pretty dark so I couldn't see who it was , but it felt like a brick wall , .....all I can remember was a deep voice saying something about .." hey dorkus , watch out there --you dope " and then saying sorry ! And hurrying out into the light pool table filled room and back to my seat at the bar . A few minutes later I had finished telling the story to the boys when , laughing about knocking someone over when out of the same dark hallway I heard a loud scream ,.......... really it was more like the cry of a wild banshee !
"AAAAIIiiEeee Eyia ! ......... where is that stumbling lumux whimpy assed dude that knocked me down and gave me a bloody nose "?
And there she was! .........the tallest redheaded barrel chested woman I'd ever seen !......holding a roll of toilet paper over her bleeding nose and swinging wildly at everyone that came near her ! She was wearing a red and black checkered wool shirt ,' Big Bills ' logging suspenders , Black wool pants rolled up and cuffed into her corked loggers boots laced all the way to her knees , her arms were the size of a large pine tree trunk ..... her face reminded me of the last wild black Russian boar seen in the Maine woods fifty years ago , she was wearing a extra- large Paul Bunyan touque hat pulled down to her ears and as she walked out to the bar her spiked boots licked up little bits of the old pine floor planking , landing in her red hair , it gave me the first impression of little bits of white winter snow dust on a big fat red haired sow bear !
I knew I was in trouble though when she picked up one of the eight hundred pound pool tables and threw it across the room sending large full grown men flyin in every direction , little men too ! And just as that happened the two uniformed cops at the end of the bar left the building as quietly as church mice ! But after that , It commenced to get very interesting , As this giant of a woman began to swagger towards the bar , her one good eye fixed directly upon your's truly....... Ahorseback , ......Something inside of me began to cringe as other manly things about me began to crawl up inside , scurrying to dark places away from the obvious danger before me ! A low rumbling bellow ! Or at least the nearest thing to a wild banshee cry began to form somewhere deep down inside her bowels ! Her fists , the size of small delivery vans began to pound on her chest , I swear to God with both hands on the bible , that if that woman took one more step I would have Shyte' myself right there in front of the whole bar !
But that didn't happen ! No ......and to this very day , I cannot begin to explain the transformation that almost instantly took place, a new expression dropped down over her face , her arms dropped to her sides .......her Jaw , the size of a full grown Beluga whale's dropped ever soo slightly and something sinister yet almost strikingly and strongly resembling a draught horse crossed with that very same baby Beluga whale face ,......... smiled at Me ! ......Now , and you fellow hubbers know me pretty well .....I'm no spring chicken when it comes to confrontation ! ..... BUT ! I was instantly frozen in place by that dainty little women's smile ! ............yeaaaa! . So ,I gave her one of my best little shy -" like come -on over grins" ! You know , the one that only a deranged, used up , cowpoke can smile !.......
" Is That a Gritty's India Pale Ale on draught you got there ?" she asks ... ME ! .......and in the sweetest little voice you can imagine .......all of a sudden I began to relax , Instantly I could begin to instinctively see her soften to my not often exuded charm !
"Well Yes Mam ! It is ! ......why don't you sidle 'up here and Good ole Ahorback'll buy you a brew !"
In truth , now looking back with my 20/20 hindsight , and her one glass eyed back sight , we know that....... who could ever have known that a full fledged romance was in the making ! Bangor Judy ! Bangor Judy !.........I could just keep whispering her name !....., well , forever !.......Of course her idea of one brew was actually a pitcher of brew in each paw ! But hey, i says what the hell ! ...........I'm a trust fund baby........ ! I can afford to buy my baby a few pitchers of good brew ! I'll tell you one thing though , ...the honest to Gods truth ! I hain't never lost a bar fight since that one special night ....... of course , I don't get out much anymore either , what..... with all the housework and everything to do around her cabin ! ..... NOoo, ......but I sure do love to see that woman come walking up the path with her axe over her broad shoulder and it almost always leads me to reach behind my back and untying my apron strings , sighing at her beauty , thinking .............it's gonna be a fun night tonight !