The Best Blonde Jokes-Please Add Your Favorite!

Please don't be offended. I am naturally a blonde and have collected these over the years. Please add your own favorites in the comments...just make sure they are at least PG-13. Thanks!

Tracks

3 women were walking through the forest. A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. As they walked and talked, they came upon a pair of tracks. "I know what these are!", the redhead exclaimed. "These are rabbit tracks." "No, no, no, you're wrong", said the brunette. "These are deer tracks." The blonde cut in with, "You're both wrong, these are squirrel tracks."

They were still there arguing when the train hit them 30 minutes later.


Horseback Riding

A blonde decided to go horseback riding. It began OK, but then the horse started going faster. She could feel herself slipping from the saddle. She tried to hang on, but lost her grip. Her shoe got stuck in the stirrup. The horse just kept going and her head was banging on the ground. She thought she was going to die, when suddenly the horse stopped.

She got up and thanked her Good Samaritan profusely. Then she asked how he had gotten the horse to stop. "I unplugged it", the man said.


The Tree

A police officer was sitting on the side of the street in his car. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him. It swerved to one side of the street and slammed the brakes on. It swerved to the other side of the street and slammed the brakes on. This continues all the way down the street.

The police officer shook his head wondering how someone could get behind the wheel that drunk. He pulled the car over. The blonde driving expressed relief at seeing him. She was not drunk. He asked if she could explain why she had been swerving all over the road. She said, "I don't know how it happened officer, where ever I turned this tree kept showing up in front of me."

"Maam", the officer said. "That is your air freshener".


Keeping Busy

The deli store owner asked the jewelry store owner why the blonde had been standing in front of his store turning a small card over and over in her hand for the last hour.

"Oh", the jewelry store owner said. "She comes in every week and asks me every item's price, then become mad and tells me I charge too much. This morning I met her at the door and told her if she could answer a question, I would give her a free pearl necklace. I told her since she was such a steady customer I would even give her a card with the answer on it."

"So why does she just keep flipping it over?" the deli store owner asked.

"I gave her a card that says "Turn over for answer" on each side."


Headphones

A blonde went to the beauty salon for a hair cut. "You can do anything to my head, but don't remove these headphones", she told the stylist. The stylist thought it was an odd request, but agreed.

As the stylist was cutting her hair, the headphones became more and more of a bother. The stylist noticed the blonde was asleep. "She'll never notice if I just remove them for a few minutes", the stylist thought. Headphones removed the stylist went back to work. A few minutes later the blonde fell out of the chair. She was dead.

The police came and asked the stylist is she had noticed anything strange about the blonde. The stylist explained about the headphones. They agreed that just removing headphones would not kill someone. As they picked the headphones up from the floor, they could suddenly hear the message...

"Breath in, Breath out; Breath in, Breath out...


Ice Fishing

A blonde decided to go ice fishing. She got her stuff together and went to the ice. She set up her stool and began to cut a hole in the ice. Out of nowhere she heard a loud voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Flustered she collected her things and move down away. Again, right when she was going to cut the hole, a loud voice interrupted her. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She had only one explanation for where the voice was coming from. "God, is that you?" she asked. "NO", came the voice again, "IT IS THE ICE SKATING RINK MANAGER".


Lunch

Three construction workers were having lunch on the scaffolding 20 stories up. The brunette reached into his lunch box and pulled out a turkey sandwich. "Not turkey again! If I get another turkey sandwich, I'm going to jump to my death."

The redhead reached into his lunch box and pulled out a ham sandwich. "Not ham again! If I get another ham sandwich, I'm going to jump to my death."

The blond reached into his lunch box and pulled out a tuna sandwich. "Not tuna again! If I get another tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump to my death."

The next day they were on the scaffolding having lunch again. The brunette pulled a turkey sandwich out of his lunch box. Without a word, he jumped to his death.

The redhead pulled a ham sandwich out of his lunch box. Without a word, he jumped to his death.

The blond pulled a tuna sandwich out of his lunch box. Without a word, he jumped to his death.

During the funeral, the brunette's wife cried and wailed, "Oh, if I had known he hated turkey so much I would have made roast beef!"

The redhead's wife cried and wailed, "Oh, if I had known he hated ham so much I would have made salami!"

The blonde's wife was quiet. Everyone looked toward her. "Don't look at me", she said. "He always made his own lunch."


Restroom

A blonde was driving down the interstate. She saw a sign that read, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles". She ended up missing her appointment because there were 17 restrooms to clean.


Execution

Three men were lined up, about to be executed.

Two guards brought the brunette forward. "Do you have any last requests?", the executioner asked. "No", replied the brunette. The guards readied themselves and the executioner yelled, "Ready!...Aim!..." The brunette yelled, "Earthquake!" Everyone looked around, startled, and the brunette managed to escape.

Angrily, two guards brought the redhead forward. The executioner asked if he had any last request. The redhead said no. The guards readied themselves again, and the executioner yelled, "Ready!....Aim!...." The redhead yelled "Tornado!". Everyone looked around, startled, and the redhead managed to escape.

Two guards shoved the blonde forward. The executioner asked if he had any last requests and the blonde answered no. The guards readied themselves, and the executioner yelled, "Ready!....Aim!...." The blonde yelled, "Fire!"


Pregnant

Q : What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant ?

A; Are you sure It,s mine ?

(Courtesy of: Tony0724)


Sheep

A farmer saw a blonde gazing over his sheeps. He wanted to test her out and see if she's desperate enough to have a sheep. He walked up to her and say, interested in buying a sheep? She said, yes. Well, I'll give you a deal, tell me how many sheeps I have and I'll give you one for free! The blonde was ecstatic and started counting. The farmer tries to keep a straight face as she was counting. Then finally she answered, 50 sheeps! The farmers jaw drops open and say, wow, I guess you blondes aren't dumb after all. Go and pick you one out. When the blonde came back, the farmer stopped her. He fussed at her, you can't have him! She snapped back, well, why not?! The farmer answered, because that's my dog.

(Courtesy of mayhmong)


Competition

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were in a swimming contest. This particular event was breaststroke.

The redhead beat out the brunette by only a few seconds. The blonde was way behind. Finally, she finished. As she climbed out of the pool, she said:

"No fair. They cheated. They used their arms!"

(Courtesy of Mighty Mom)


Gimp

This is a true story that had many years ago, The name has been changed to protect the innocent. Me and a couple of friends(sisters) went out on a Saturday Night many moons ago, we were drinking shots , Lucy who was Blonde disappeared. I had asked Pamela were she had went. We searched hi and low for year, after a few minutes Lucy returned with an odd look on her face, I said to her "What is wrong Lucy?" "Lucy replied , " I have been limping around and I think I hurt my leg." I looked down and started laughing hysterically, and then replied "You didn't hurt your leg knucklehead, you lost your shoe!" I laughed so hard I cried and needless to say it took us 20 minutes to fine the darn thing.

(Courtesy of AEvans)


Just Not Worth It!

A blind man is at a bar having a drink. On either side of him is a woman, and the bartender is a woman. The blind guy is having a good time. "Listen," he says. "You guys want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender leans on the bar. "Well, mister," she says. "That woman on your right is a karate instructor and Olympic silver medalist. She's blonde. The woman on your left is a lieutenant in a Black Ops unit of Army Intelligence. She's blonde, too. Me, I'm a a semi-pro boxer, and I'm blonde. Now, knowing this, do you still want to tell that joke, mister?" The blind man sighed. "No, I guess not. I wouldn't want to have to explain it three times."

{Courtesy of Tom Rubenoff)


Short and Sweet

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So Brunettes can remember them.

(Courtesy of Eric Graudins)


Breakfast

Question. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

Answer. Fertilized

(Courtesy of mayhmong)


Taco Bell

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."

(Courtesy of Drum Master)


Microwave

Growing up, everything in our house was electric. So whenever we lost power, which was frequently, there were very few things to do. One late afternoon, playing cards by candlelight, my younger sister came into the kitchen, went straight to the freezer and pulled out one of those frozen entrees. Sensing my utter disbelief at what she was doing, my sister turned around and rolled her eyes before saying, "I know we have no electricity...which is why I'm going to microwave it, duh!"

(Courtesy of spryte)


Coffee Break

Why are managers advised not to let blondes have coffee breaks? -- Because it takes too long to retrain them.

(Courtesy of Teresa McGurk)

Mink

How does a blonde get a mink coat? -- the same way minks do.

(Courtesy of Teresa McGurk)


Orange Juice

A blond was standing in the frozen food aisle of the grocery store for hours staring at the orange juice. Finally the manager could restrain himself no longer "why are you staring at our orange juice mam?"

Blonde: "It says concentrate"

(Courtesy of R. Blue)


Wind Tunnel

What do you call three blondes standing in a row???

A wind tunnel.

(Courtesy of R. Blue)


Repeat

Question: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?

Answer: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

(Courtesy of mayhmong)


The Other Side...Thanks to Failbook!

Shhhh...This is a Library!

Cheap Way to Paint Your "Porch"

More by this Author


Comments 37 comments

tony0724 profile image

tony0724 7 years ago from san diego calif

Q : What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant ?

A; Are you sure It,s mine ?


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

I love it! Anyone have any other favorites?


Gail S profile image

Gail S 7 years ago

I LOVE blonde jokes. I really appreciate that you included blonde MALE jokes! I'll look for some of my favorites...


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Once you find them, put them in...if they are clean, I'll add them!


someone 7 years ago

the first one makes no sense


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

I re-read it and changed "the" to "they" in two places...Spell check works, but not if the word is spelled correctly.

Does it make sense now?


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

My favorite was the Ice Fishing!! I like the PG-13 rule!


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Yes, that one always makes me laugh also! PG-13 is a must, my kids may read these...have to be a good role model and all that.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Great jokes! Maybe I should start post my own brunette jokes?

Here's one for ya!

A farmer saw a blonde gazing over his sheeps. He wanted to test her out and see if she's desperate enough to have a sheep. He walked up to her and say, interested in buying a sheep? She said, yes. Well, I'll give you a deal, tell me how many sheeps I have and I'll give you one for free! The blonde was ecstatic and started counting. The farmer tries to keep a straight face as she was counting. Then finally she answered, 50 sheeps! The farmers jaw drops open and say, wow, I guess you blondes aren't dumb after all. Go and pick you one out. When the blonde came back, the farmer stopped her. He fussed at her, you can't have him! She snapped back, well, why not?! The farmer answered, because that's my dog.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

mayhmong, You should definitely post it! It would be a nice change, and I would love to see them!


J Mockridge 7 years ago

Good jokes, good hub.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

J, Thanks! Had a little help from my friends :D


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

Oh my God!!! These are funny , I especially loved the first one, what a collection.:)


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Thanks AE! It's mine also, that's why it is first. Do you have any good ones to add?


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

mmmmm.... I am going to have to think as my sisters are blonde as uncanny as it seems, and I had a bunch of them at one time. Let me think on it, and I am certainly I will add one or two or three...:D


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

LOL. Where is Blondepoet? She must know some good ones too!

Here's my entry for your consideration:

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were in a swimming contest. This particular event was breaststroke.

The redhead beat out the brunette by only a few seconds. The blonde was way behind. Finally, she finished. As she climbed out of the pool, she said:

"No fair. They cheated. They used their arms!"


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

AE, You must, definitely must, commemorate your sisters with a joke or two! Imagine how happy it will make them to be immortalized in such a way :)

Mighty Mom, LOL! I love it. I'm putting it in now!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

This is a true story that had many years ago, The name has been changed to protect the innocent. Me and a couple of friends(sisters) went out on a Saturday Night many moons ago, we were drinking shots , Lucy who was Blonde disappeared. I had asked Pamela were she had went. We searched hi and low for year, after a few minutes Lucy returned with an odd look on her face, I said to her "What is wrong Lucy?" "Lucy replied , " I have been limping around and I think I hurt my leg." I looked down and started laughing hysterically, and then replied "You didn't hurt your leg knucklehead, you lost your shoe!" I laughed so hard I cried and needless to say it took us 20 minutes to fine the darn thing.

This truly happened!!And we still pick on her Lucy (Amanda) until this day.:)


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

A blind man is at a bar having a drink. On either side of him is a woman, and the bartender is a woman. The blind guy is having a good time. "Listen," he says. "You guys want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender leans on the bar. "Well, mister," she says. "That woman on your right is a karate instructor and Olympic silver medalist. She's blonde. The woman on your left is a lieutenant in a Black Ops unit of Army Intelligence. She's blonde, too. Me, I'm a a semi-pro boxer, and I'm blonde. Now, knowing this, do you still want to tell that joke, mister?" The blind man sighed. "No, I guess not. I wouldn't want to have to explain it three times."


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So Brunettes can remember them.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

AE, ROTHLOL!! This is bound to be immortalized for all time!

Tom, LOLOLOL!! And I would be the one who listened to the first two explainations and still had the puzzled look on her face :D

Going to post these two, Thanks to both of you!


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Eric, Now there's a joke I really like! LMAO! Thanks for the great addition!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

That's a little cruel Eric, but true! LOL

Here's another blonde joke for ya.

Question. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Answer. Fertilized


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

May, That one caught me off-guard! LOL! Now you are the first to have made 2 contributions :D


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

I love blonde jokes...I am a blonde (red-headed at the moment) and I take pride in my gullibility. I love that I have not yet become totally cynical in my life...a little, but it has not take control! Come on everyone, I need more blonde jokes...I love blonde jokes! All I ask is keep them clean, as my children may read this :D


Drum Master profile image

Drum Master 7 years ago

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

Only brunette child in a litter of blondes...so I have some good ones. Growing up, everything in our house was electric. So whenever we lost power, which was frequently, there were very few things to do. One late afternoon, playing cards by candlelight, my younger sister came into the kitchen, went straight to the freezer and pulled out one of those frozen entrees. Sensing my utter disbelief at what she was doing, my sister turned around and rolled her eyes before saying, "I know we have no electricity...which is why I'm going to microwave it, duh!"


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Drum Master, LOL! Thanks for the contribution.

spryte, LMAO! This one, like AEvans' is sure to become a classic in years to come. Life must have been fun when you were young! Thanks for the addition, I posting it now.


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

(They used their arms! LOL) OK: why are managers advised not to let blondes have coffee breaks? -- Because it takes too long to retrain them.

How does a blonde get a mink coat? -- the same way minks do. (that's an old, old one.)


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Teresa, LOLROTF--I always thought my managers thought breaks were a waste of time, now I understand! You will have to explain the second to me, I am a blonde after all :D


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

I'm not blonde and I'm still trying to figure out how a mink gets a mink coat...


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

A blond was standing in the frozen food aisle of the grocery store for hours staring at the orange juice. Finally the manager could restrain himself no longer "why are you staring at our orange juice mam?"

Blonde: "It says concentrate"

What do you call three blondes standing in a row??? A wind tunnel.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

spryte, That makes me feel better, but I bet we are missing something, knowing Teresa!

RB, LMAOROTF! Love the OJ! Am going to post now!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Oh sorry!

I didn't know that you're kids are reading this online?! Here's a cleaner version.Question: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?Answer: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Hi May! LOL! I can see the poor shriveled thing getting out after the shampoo is all gone!

BTW--Your joke was a little racy, but they are old enough for it...I just didn't want to go any further, if you know what I mean? You know I love your sense of humor! :)


Cale 5 years ago

Hey,

Q: how do you kill a dumb blonde?

A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Q: how does a blonde kill a goldfish?

A: she tries to drowned it.

Q: how do you get a blonde to drown herself?

A: glue a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Q: If a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all jump off of three diving boards at the same time from the same height, who will hit the water last?

A: Blonde

2Q: Why?

2A: she had to stop and ask for directions.


Britt 5 years ago

Did ya hear 'bout the blonde that went to collage?

....neither did I...

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