My Life Living as Major Depression


Like knife pierce my heart

My world was getting dark

Life was worthless, affliction


Suicidal thoughts play in my mind

Lightning flashes storm my sky

Flood the heart of me inside


My soul deteriorate with my hope

With dreams, with strength

With love, with passion


Emptiness I felt

No longer hunger for adventure

Self-hatred kills


I suffer major depression when I was 15 years old and I have thought about committing suicide many times. Because I suffer major depression, don’t treat me any different because I am human too. I am not crazy or weird; I just needed love and attention like everyone else. Sometime people that lives in your life doesn’t provide enough attention, it becomes an infection. When I'm stress out, I have cramps. The cramp would become very severe that I would fall to my knee and passed out. I was taken to the emergency room two time because of this problem. I learn to manage/control my stress/major depression by meditation. Sometime I have nightmare and wake up crying. From all the abused that I encounter in my personal life, it became an infection to my heart that I felt self hatred. It was complicated but with my fiance beside, he help me find my spirit. I grew out of my depression and became a soul free person. I now describe myself as a very daring and high spirit kind of person.

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Comments 18 comments

horrez profile image

horrez 5 years ago

I think in life we have all been depressed at one time or another in our lives and we search and search for that thing or someone that makes us happy,but i had to learn and some of us are still learning that to conquer our own demons we must first conquer who we are as individuals and learn how to truly love who we are as individuals..The greatest triumphs over depression is finding true self worth and that means learning to love ourselves unconditional..flaws and all and accepting the fact that we are not perfect,can never be perfect and are not made to be perfect,but we are made to be loved no matter what we may endure in our lives.


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi horrez, thank you! You are so right, some of us still need to conquer the demon inside us. Learning how to truly love oneself is one of the important things that we individual have to succeed in. My grandpa told me, the real enemy is not the outsider, but is self. He even say, before wiping someone else butt, learn to wipe your own. It's really a big lesson that I learn when I was younger and most importantly accepting me who I am. I really enjoy your comment and its very useful! :)


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Depression can do a lot of bad things to us. Glad you're feeling better. I'm sure bunny can give you a lot of healing.


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi Gypsy, yes, bunny do a lot to give me healing. :)


newday98033 5 years ago

Hey hon, I get it. I was there. Someone has worked out a way to attack this directly. If you're interested, let me know and I'll forward you to it.

However I also think, as Buddhists do, nothing can really go wrong or is worth worrying about. Just take care of yourself and life will follow.


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi newday, thank you for visiting! I appreciate it! You are right, just take care of yourself and life will follow! I like that! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

on 12/7, hello, Chanroth! GREAT read. Very deep. Touched my heart. I think you are an amazing talent. Voted up and all but funny. I want to offer you my sincere apologies for not coming around more. I am hurrying to get as many projects finished before my health gets worse. I DO Value YOU as my Follower and very-talented friend. And I will try to be back soon. Have a Wonderful, Merry Christmas, chanroth, and a Peace-FILLED 2012. Your distant friend, Kenneth


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi Kenneth, thank you for a very warming comment. Apologies accepted and you too are an amazing writer! I wish you all the best and I hope that you get well soon.

Chanroth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Chanroth...thank you. I am still sorry that I didnt take more time, but that will be fixed. And talk about amazing writers--Im commenting to one right now whose name is chanroth! I will do my best to get well. But YOU, dear friend and valued follower, keep turning out THESE fantastic hubs. Deal?

Great.

Sincerely, KENNETH


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Deal is a deal Kenneth. I have written a get well poem for you and I hope this will brighten/cherish you a bit.

A special bouquet finely decorated;lilies

From the garden of HubPages team

Given to a special friend; Kenneth Avery

Kenneth Avery, my dear friends

A very deep and warm hearted soul, very thoughtful man

With lots of love and care you’ve showed

Appreciate your friendship

And all your kindness

In return, Thank you for all that you do

Follower or not follower

One community as a whole

Part of the HubPages family we all want you to know that we care

And I do value you for your talent

And the friendship you’ve shared

It is shamed that the illness has cast its eyes on you

If only I have a magical wand

I will make you get well soon

Rest and heal; my friend

Since I can’t cast a magic spell

Just know you’re often in my thought and hope you soon get well

Many warm hugs and lots of love!

Your friend Chanroth Tith


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

DEAREST, SWEET chanroth, mark this date down, Dec. 8, 2011, at 10:17 p.m.,cst...I have now copied this beautiful, touching poem that struck me so deep with joy and affection, I want to keep it on my Permanent Files Document on my desktop. This is a first. Never had anyone, follower or non-follower do this for me. chanroth, I cannot repay you. I can only write to you often and hope that in some way, I can make you know that I appreciate YOU, DEAR friend for such a touching and sincere gesture. Your FRIEND for Life, Kenneth. God bless you!!!!


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi Kenneth, you are very welcome! I'm glad you like it as much as I did! God bless you! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

God bless and smile upon you, my sincere and talented friend...chanroth!

What a sweet spirit you have. Wish everyone in our world were as nice as you.

God bless you again and have a happy day.

Your Friend for Life,

Kenneth


raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 5 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

you are not alone chanroth, we are here for you...yes, the experience is familiar for i too have experienced that before...that's why my poems vary from being gloomy to happy...so on, depends on my mood actually...it's a good thing we have an outlet here, and with people who care and lift our spirits up and nourish our bruised ego...i believe time heals all wounds...have faith...continue being strong...


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi raciniwa, thank you! I agree with you, your poem speak about your emotion! Just glad that we have an open place where we can express our feeling through poetry. I wish you all the best!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

12/13/2011

Dear chanroth, I wrote you to see if YOU were okay? I havent heard from you in a while, so I took the initiative to find out for myself if there is anything I can do for YOU???? Just tell me and it's done. Please let me hear from you. Hugs, Kenneth


chanroth profile image

chanroth 4 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi Kenneth, I am okay, I have been down lately. But I am fine. I think writing will comfort my feeling and eased my pain. haha...I'm fine! Thank you! How are you feeling now? Health is getting better? I hope it did. God bless and lots of love.

Chanroth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

Dearest Chanroth...good to know that you are doing better. But let ME know if you are not! Writing does ease the pain of depression and the inter-acting with other people can also help a lot. Today, 12/13,I am very tired from my doctor's appointment yesterday. The trip is long and makes my body stiff and sore when it's over. Thanks for asking. YOU are a doll. God bless you, Chanroth and you take CARE. Love to you too,

KENNETH

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