My Love Affair With Joe

Guys, I ask you . . .

would you like to enjoy a cup of fresh coffee with this 'hot' beauty? Sure you would. To turn down her invitation for coffee would surely be in bad manners. Just a social tip for all guy coffee drinkers.
would you like to enjoy a cup of fresh coffee with this 'hot' beauty? Sure you would. To turn down her invitation for coffee would surely be in bad manners. Just a social tip for all guy coffee drinkers.

The IMPORTANCE of Coffee

THIS PRETTY GIRL KNOWS WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY AND IT'S NOT GUYS. BUT A ROUSING CUP OF BLACK COFFEE TO START HER DAY OFF RIGHT.
THIS PRETTY GIRL KNOWS WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY AND IT'S NOT GUYS. BUT A ROUSING CUP OF BLACK COFFEE TO START HER DAY OFF RIGHT.
THIS IS NOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU. OR A SECRET CAMERA, BUT A NICE, REFRESHING CUP OF COFFEE.
THIS IS NOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU. OR A SECRET CAMERA, BUT A NICE, REFRESHING CUP OF COFFEE.
SETTLE DOWN, GIRL. THE COFFEE HAS TO BE IN THIS BAG. TAKE A SIP AND A SMILE WILL SUDDENLY APPEAR ON YOUR PRETTY FACE.
SETTLE DOWN, GIRL. THE COFFEE HAS TO BE IN THIS BAG. TAKE A SIP AND A SMILE WILL SUDDENLY APPEAR ON YOUR PRETTY FACE.
GUYS, LOOK AT THE COFFEE IN THIS PHOTO. MAKES YOU THIRSTY, RIGHT? ME TOO. OH, AND THE SMOKING HOT BRUNETTE WITH FULL, POUTY LIPS ISN'T BAD EITHER.
GUYS, LOOK AT THE COFFEE IN THIS PHOTO. MAKES YOU THIRSTY, RIGHT? ME TOO. OH, AND THE SMOKING HOT BRUNETTE WITH FULL, POUTY LIPS ISN'T BAD EITHER.
THIS MAN SEEMS FRUSTRATED. MAYBE BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD HIS MORNING OR AFTERNOON COFFEE.
THIS MAN SEEMS FRUSTRATED. MAYBE BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD HIS MORNING OR AFTERNOON COFFEE.
WHAT A MAN! JUAN VALDEZ AND HIS NOBLE DONKEY CARRYING VALUABLE COFFEE BEANS TO THE MARKET SO "I" CAN HAVE A CUP OF HOT COFFEE. BRAVO, JUAN!
WHAT A MAN! JUAN VALDEZ AND HIS NOBLE DONKEY CARRYING VALUABLE COFFEE BEANS TO THE MARKET SO "I" CAN HAVE A CUP OF HOT COFFEE. BRAVO, JUAN!
FOLGER'S MADE MILLIONS WITH THIS LOGO OF JUAN VALDEZ.
FOLGER'S MADE MILLIONS WITH THIS LOGO OF JUAN VALDEZ.
COFFEE MAKES GUYS LISTEN MORE INTENTLY TO THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.
COFFEE MAKES GUYS LISTEN MORE INTENTLY TO THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.
A GUY AND GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS GET ALONG BETTER WHEN DRINKING COFFEE. THIS IS A SOCIAL FACT.
A GUY AND GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS GET ALONG BETTER WHEN DRINKING COFFEE. THIS IS A SOCIAL FACT.

DO NOT BE ALARMED

this hub is NOT about legendary boxer, "The Brown Bomber," Joe Louis. "The Yankee Clipper," Joe DiMagio. 70's Pop singer, Joe "Games People Play" South. Singer Joe Williams. Actress Jo Beth Williams. But "Joe." Java. The love of my life. Coffee. That's right, ladies and gentleman of this United States and Canada. Coffee. Step right up. Coffee's only a dime. Now it's five bucks a pop at your nearest Starbucks. But we coffee sluggers still love it. No, we have this ever-burning passion for coffee.

MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH "JOE"

started at age six. That's right, folks. Six. I had watched my dad drink coffee every morning at breakfast. And when he returned home from work. He loved it. I remember how my mouth watered for just a sip of this "black nectar" coffee, but he denied me the pleasure. Then I began begging for a sip. Daddy was not a hard-hearted man. He agreed to let me have a half-cup of Luzianne coffee but only if I put sugar in it. At the time this was a good thing. But soon I grew sick of sugar. I longed for the real coffee taste I had been craving. One Sunday morning at breakfast when he wasn't looking, I pretended to put sugar in my coffee and with the first sip, it was "passion at fist sip," for "Joe" and me. I've never been the same.

THROUGHOUT MY SCHOOL YEARS

from grade school through high school, my morning ritual included coffee. Two cups. Black. No puny, spineless Sugar Pops or Raisin Bran with sweet milk. It was coffee for me. Nothing but coffee. And at school from eight in the morning until three in the afternoon, I was in pure torture wanting my "coffee fix." Teachers words sounded like vintage tube radio static to my ears. I saw their lips move, but their words were so distorted that I couldn't capture what they were talking about. All I wanted was coffee. Instead of writing some pretty girl classmate's name on my notebook, I was drawing the Folger's coffee logo. Or a man drinking a huge, steaming cup of black coffee. I soon learned that simulated coffee drinking in artwork didn't work for me like the real thing. I soon gave up. I started thinking-up ways for me to bootleg coffee into school. But I was too nervous. Scared. I could get expelled for a sin like this. So I chose to endure and suffer.

AND EVEN WHEN I GRADUATED

from high school and went to work in a factory in my hometown, it was coffee for me in the mornings before I left for work. And man oh man, this place I worked had a break room with a coffee machine. What a blessing. I would literally dream of break time from the time I cranked my car to leave for work. Even while driving with a Styrofoam cup of coffee to drink on the way to work. And from seven a.m. until ten a.m., break time. I would streak to the break room like a scared squirrel running across a highway. Just to insert my quarter into the lovely imitation aluminum machine and watch my black coffee stream into those small disposable paper cups. What a treat. Black coffee. Telling lies with my work friends. And going back to work for more dreaming of more coffee at lunch. But after a while, I noticed that no one in my department loved coffee as much as I did. I thought that maybe these guys didn't realize how good coffee really was.

AFTER WORK

I would sneak by the break room and grab a cup of coffee for drinking on the way home. Then before supper, I would down at least three cups of coffee. Another cup or two with my meal and a few more cups before I hit the sack. And yes, if you are wondering, I slept like a log. And no, I did not dream of lovely Colombian girls with low-cut blouses bringing me cups of coffee. They wore summer dresses and pretty hats for fashion effect, thank you very much.

When I left the world of factories and went into the newspaper industry where I spent 23 years, I found out quick, according to my first publisher, a mister Roger Quinn, a Gadsden, Alabama native and now publisher of the Gadsden Times, a huge, powerful daily newspaper, "people in this business live on coffee." That was the first words he said to me in my interview with him in September, 1975. It was the proverbial "music to my ears." My coworkers and I would drink at least three pots of coffee a day. Five days a week. More if we were working on a special section for the paper. And when I got home from work, I had more coffee. Okay. I was addicted. But in the early 70's, "coffee addiction" was a non-event. Never breathed in public. Nor broadcast on any national news show on any television network. Those were the days, my friends.

HERE ARE SOME OLD COFFEE MYTHS THAT

I WOULD LOVE TO DEBUNK FOR YOU:


  1. Coffee is not the cause of crime. This was told to me by someone who thought that coffee-drinking was a sin. I never got his name. Or his "righteous" black and white religious brochure he was trying to hand to me.
  2. Coffee will not stunt your growth. Hey, I weighed 165 pounds in sixth grade. I had the body of a Green Bay Packers defensive end. And still drank coffee at home. Stunt my growth? Seriously?
  3. Coffee will wreck your nerves. Stress, alcohol and drug abuse, and losing sleep will wreck your nerves, not coffee. I know. I used to drink coffee and drive my car in down pours and lightning storms. Without as much as a bobble on the road.
  4. Coffee will stain your teeth. That's why God created Colgate toothpaste. But if you really want something that will stain your pretty white teeth, try smoking cigarettes. But I DO NOT recommend doing this for smoking cigarettes will either kill you or give you a terrible disease.
  5. Coffee will "wire you." Meaning give you that extra-boost of energy. Again, I do not know what this means. Yes, I've heard people say this on television and in Anti-Coffee Protests, but not in my personal life. I was always a slow, methodical worker. Not a speeding bullet. I am still a slow, methodical worker. And still drinking coffee.

WHAT COFFEE DRINKING

CAN DO FOR YOU:

  1. Break the Ice. When you are introduced to a new person at work. Offer them a cup of coffee. Although they are a sworn water drinker, the gesture of offering them a cup of coffee is a recognized, world-wide sign of friendliness.
  2. Calm you down. This is true. It has calmed me down a lot over the years when I was meeting new ad clients or important politicians for a story. It helped both the new people and myself to calm our nerves and just enjoy a talk together.
  3. Open doors for you. Now sometimes in the course of work or social interaction, we can be on the outside of a circle of friends just by not participating in a certain action such as having coffee with those who invite us to their house for a get-together. Sure, I say. Have that cup of coffee and watch the look of acceptance form on your hostess' face. Now if you are not a coffee drinker, do not be sanctimonious and bellow, "Noooo, you barbarian! I only drink water! I am a health nut!" Talk about a turn-off. And getting to go home early. This behavior will surely do it for you.
  4. Let you appreciate. The super-peaceful feeling of being sober. You can observe people at this same get-together slugging down beer, vodka twists, whiskey straight and soon, they will be drunk. You will not. You will make points with people by being a "designated driver," and possibly save lives. All because you chose to love coffee.

WHAT COFFEE DRINKING

WON'T DO FOR YOU:

  1. Make you handsome. Sorry, guys and gals. This is one thing coffee cannot do.
  2. Make you wealthy. Unless you buy stock in a major coffee company, just loving to drink coffee will not put money in your pockets.
  3. Make you attractive to the opposite sex. Get real, people. Even alcohol cannot do that unless the person of the opposite sex loves the effects of booze.
  4. Friendly to vicious dogs. No, vicious dogs are not a respecter of people. They can bite coffee drinkers and non-coffee drinkers as well as "booze hounds" and lay down and sleep like a baby.
  5. Get you a promotion. Just because your boss offers you a cup of coffee in his office in the middle of the workday, do not read anything into this move. It may just be a friendly way of testing you to see if you are a dedicated company person. But by all means, do take your boss up on that cup of fresh coffee. My rule of thumb is: NEVER TURN DOWN A KISS FROM A PRETTY LADY OR A CUP OF FRESH COFFEE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Now that I have educated you on coffee, and my love for this perfect drink, you will look at companies like Starbucks, Maxwell House, Folger's and Colombian coffee differently. That was my goal. To get people, even veteran coffee drinkers to take a more sensitive and deeper look at that cup of coffee in their hands. And appreciate the hard work (of Juan Valdez and his trusty donkey) and others just to provide you and with our "drink of choice": Coffee.

And all during the time of reading this hub you thought it was merely a comedy story. You must have read this story without a cup of coffee in your hand.

See how much pleasure you have missed?



The "love" of my life . . .

COFFEE. Since the tender age of six, coffee, or "Joe," and I have had a long, fruitful relationship. And we've not hid our love. We have lived it out in the open.
COFFEE. Since the tender age of six, coffee, or "Joe," and I have had a long, fruitful relationship. And we've not hid our love. We have lived it out in the open.

More by this Author


Comments 28 comments

Arlene V. Poma 4 years ago

Excellent Hub to have with the morning coffee. You nailed this one, Kenneth. But I do ignore the babes. Voted up and everything else. Pure joy to read and AWESOME. A great mix of facts and humor.


leni sands profile image

leni sands 4 years ago from UK

OMG I love coffee I cannot function without it, it isn't a sin unless you're trying to lose a few pounds like me. I keep trying to give it up, cut it down - but it keeps calling out to me where ever I am - 'come and get me'. This hub sums everything up nicely. Coffee is a forced to be reckoned with, a voice in my head, a beat in my heart. Coffee, gives me everything I need, it helps me to think, to learn, to stay awake (lol) - it doesn't answer me back when I talk to it, it helps get my ideas focused most of all it gives me a boost.... great article


hoteltravel profile image

hoteltravel 4 years ago from Thailand

Loved the pics and captions. Another mid-week hit from you. Can smell coffee when reading the hub. The last picute was too tempting. Am taking a coffee break. Voted up and funny.


cheapstuff profile image

cheapstuff 4 years ago from California

You know coffee is the best thing on the planet! Well maybe not the best but it sure is high on that list. =) I love the way you intricately break it down.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Another laugh for my day...thanks Kenneth! I have become addicted to coffee with Bailey's coffee creamer in it! They make one in chocolate that is so yummy! Which reminds me...time for a cup!


leahmia09 4 years ago

Coffe will stain your teeth...that's why god created colgate toothpst. Loved that line! Very creative and entertaining! I love reading your hubs


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Kenneth,

I love coffee, that is all I drink besides water. They do say now that coffee is good for your heart. That is good to know.

I had to read one your hubs--I needed a smile, and I am glad I picked this one.

Thanks,

Bobbi


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Arlene, thanks so much for your lively comment. I agree. The coffee keeps me alive, so to speak. I threw in the babes to prove that even pretty girl models enjoy a cup of "Joe" when they are "courting" their Joes too. Have a great day!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, leni . . .Loved your comment which was a hub in itself. YOU are a true coffee lover. I can sense your caffeine-generated energy in your words. Keep it up and make us coffee lovers proud. Uh, oh. Coffee time. See ya' soon, and thanks again!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, hoteltravel,

thanks so much for your warm comment. I appreciate, so much, your support and how your comments fuel my confidence and help me to give my hubs that "pure mountain flavor," hey, it's Juan Valdez stopping by with another load of coffee beans. Welcome, Juan. I need to go and help unload the beans, hoteltravel. Do you want Juan to put you on his route?

Let me know.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, cheapstuff, you are okay! I appreciate your candor and honesty. Keep it up and you will go far. Long Live Coffee Drinkers!!!!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest catgypsy . . .you are very welcome for the laugh. That makes me happy to know that someone else got a laugh from something I did. Thanks again. Hope your day is wonderful.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, leahmia, thank you, dear friend, for your comment. I sincerely appreciate YOU taking time to read my hubs and comment on them. I pray that God smiles on your today with great blessings. I mean it.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Bobbi,

Me too. Coffee and that fruit-flavored water from Walmart. It comes in Strawberry, Peach, Lemon and more. ?And has "0" calories, as if that mattered to me, LOL, and I love it. I love "Eight O'Clock Coffee," for where I live, its cheaper. Cheaper than a gallon of gas.

Thanks, dear Bobbi for your continued support.

I appreciate YOU!

Kenneth


angela p profile image

angela p 4 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

Great Hub on my most favorite thing in the world. I don't think I could function in the morning without a big cup of coffee. My neighbor and I have a coffee break every afternoon about 3. We laugh and drink coffee.


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Juan, I mean Kenneth. lol

I gave up coffee for lent years ago and I am not even Catholic. Long story. Anyway, I always said and still say that if I get a craving for coffee I would have one. My craving is for hot chocolate. :)

If I had the pleasure of sharing a cup of coffee with you, I certainly wouldn't turn down the offer. :)

Here is a coffee quote that I think you may enjoy.

"On the eighth day God created coffee."

Voted up up and away!

Take care my dear friend. :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Angela . . .you are welcome and thank YOU for the very sweet comment. Im typing this as I, you guessed it, sipping a fresh cup of "Eight O' Clock" coffee. Love it. And you are very blessed to have a "coffee pal," to talk to. I do not have that pleasure. Im at home all alone...from 7 a.m. 'til 5 p.m., cst, Im disabled with Accelerated Fibromyalgia and Neurothopy in my nerve endings and coffee, my PC and DEAR FRIENDS (LIKE YOU, SUESWAN AND ALL ON THIS COMMENT TREE) are my world 5 days a week. I am very thankful to be able to type and read such sweet words from my FOLLOWERS who are THE BEST people in our world.

Thanks again,

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Susan . . ."my Sincere Thanks to you for this wonderful comment. YOU always seem to know just what to say." "And while coffee may be my number one drink, I love the fruit-flavored water from Walmart, "0" is its brand...No calories. No caffeine. Go figure. And hot chocolate...yes, ma'am! In the winters down here...THE perfect drink . . .along with coffee....sorry, dear, I am an addict.

Have a Great Day!

KENNETH


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

I too love black with nothing in it. We use Uban mix of original and dark and I always make itwith over flowing

measures. Let me know if your ever visiting Las Vegas I'll take you to Einstiens for bagle and coffee which is right next to Starbucks, which I dislike.

Voted up, Joyce.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Writer20 . . .in my most discreet voice . . ."YESSS! YOU GOT IT! I WILL DO THAT FOR SURE!" Actually I am so happy with your invitation that I could pass for a male college cheerleader . . .thanks for that sweet invite. I will start saving up NOW.

I love black coffee too. Starbucks MEDIUM, fine roast, you can get at most Walmart Supercenters.

Wow. A person with this in common!!! Thank you, Jesus!

Kenneth


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

Kenneth again, awesome hub! Hilarious! I love your ability to write funny captions, yes if you can believe it or not, this hubber actually reads the entire hub LOL Tender age of six huh, that is pretty funny. Unfortunately, I do not like coffee, so I guess you could say I have never had a love affair with coffee, not even a one night stand :( But, nonetheless, awesome and totally hilarious hub and unique approach! VG&S!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Josh! Great comment. I loved it. "not even a one-night stand." That line was classic. Thank you a thousand times, for your kind and encouraging remarks. I will remember them for many years to come.

Your friend,

Ken . . .oops, coffee break!


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

HAHA, glad you enjoyed my comment Ken, you deserved it! :) Hope you coffee was good! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thank YOU, very MUCH--Josh! I appreciate that a lot. Coffee was F--I--N--E! Thanks, but need more.

Kenneth


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 4 years ago from Northeast United States

Kenneth avery: Very funny hub. I'm more of a tea gal, but recently I have taken a chance with coffee to spice things up, and well it is not too bad. Thank you for this interesting and cheery article :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear carrie Lee,

You are welcome, but it is I who is thankful for your sweet comments. I like tea also, but on ice. But I have to be faithful to my coffee. Life without it is a pain.

KENNETH


themadimadimadi profile image

themadimadimadi 4 years ago from Denver, Colorado

Hahaha, this was wonderul, it made me smile!

I too have a love affair with Joe. I must go through 4-6 cups every day. It's just so wonderful!

Not to mention it brings people together!:)

Great hub!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My DEAR themadimadimadi,

(colorful name)

Thanks for your sweet words that made me feel good today. Here's to you with a sip of coffee . . .Ahhhhhh! Nothing beats coffee for a great pick-me-up and to hear from a good person like you.

Would you consider being a follower of mine so I can keep up with you and your writing? I would love that.

I will be looking for you and THANKS for your sweet comment.

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