My Religion is Better Than Yours: A Satirical Top 10

Arguing about Religion for No Reason

With all the many religions in the world, it's easy to get caught up in the dispute about which is best. Using humor is one good way to curb anger. So, writing persuasively about a non-existent religion is one way to keep things light.

These are the top 10 reasons my fake religion is better than yours, even though I don't know what religion you practice. It doesn't really matter, because this is more about arguing for the sake of arguing.

10. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Isn't Pushy

While other religions are merely pushy, mine takes a much more violent approach. It would rather just stab you in the chest. Now that's a religion to take seriously. It's as serious as a heart attack!

9. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Is Clothing Optional

You don't have to be naked, but you can wear anything you like. Anything from your birthday suit to a snowsuit. Dress goth, dress preppy, dress in denim. It's clothing optional. This allows people in my religion to take a shower without wearing any funny required outfits, so I don't smell. That's why your religion stinks and mine doesn't. Cleanliness is next to...

8. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because Everybody Gets Milkshakes When They Die

Other religions don't promise milkshakes for everyone. They offer heaven, or re-incarnation, or even 40 virgins. But unfortunately, not everyone gets to be rewarded with these things. None offer milkshakes. And who doesn't like a good milkshake?

My religion allows everyone to get a milkshake when they die, even if you don't believe in milkshakes. Even if you have only heard how great a milkshake is, but don't believe they exist, you get one. Isn't that awesome? You don't have to do any work for your milkshake. You can choose, of course, from chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry. My religion even allows for those crazy Steak n' Shake flavors that usually cost extra. You can use a spoon or a straw, but you are less religious if you use a spoon.

7. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Has No Rules

There are no rules about my religion except one. You must tell everyone else that your religion is better than theirs. When somebody gets offended, just tell them that it's part of your religious practice to tell everyone that their religion isn't as good as yours.

Threaten to sew them for not allowing you to practice your religion. Then tell them how yours is better because it's the only religion that officially includes putting down other religions, and the milkshake thing.

6. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because Nothing Was Ever Created

In my religion nothing was created. Everything was already around, and now things are disappearing. Science proves this phenomenon. For example, if I take a cup of water and set it on the counter for five days, there will be less water in the cup at the end of the five days. And not just because I got thirsty. Combine this "disappearing matter theory" with the fact that we have fossilized dinosaur bones and eggs around the world, with no remaining living species.

In fact, species are constantly dying off and going extinct. According to Wikipedia 99.99% of all species that have ever lived are now extinct, proving the opposite of the "Big Bang" and evolution. If evolution is not keeping pace with extinction, then we will run out of species in the future. Evolution is evolving into devolution. Eventually there will be one species left, and then we will eat each other. Humans are growing while other species are dying off by the dozens. But don't worry about morals or ethics of cannibalism, by then we will not have any morals anyway. Just a bunch of religions.

5. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because Anyone Can Go To Hell But No One Has To

That's because Hell is in Michigan. Whoever named this city has a sick sense of humor. I guess a snowball would have a chance there.

4. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Is A Scientific Theory

My religion uses the scientific method, but a little differently than what you think. The whole thing came from a hypothesis, which is an "if, then" statement. The original hypothesis was: "If my religion is better than yours, and most religions are built on subjective 'truth,' then mine will be better by being built on objective falsehood." At least we know whether my religion is true or false.

Because my religion is so new, it must be tested scientifically multiple times with independent researchers to scientifically prove that it is built around pure, genuine, ultimate falsehood. Unfortunately at this time my religion is not yet scientific law. It is still in theory form. Even those who claim that truth is what you make it can't make these claims. Enough with the argument. Mine is a real theory.

3. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Makes Sense

Since this is the only official writing about my religion, and there are Google adsense adds on this page, then my religion actually makes ad sense. Hey at least one religion should be making some impressions. It may make cents or even dollars too, depending on how many people spread the word.

2. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Puts Down Men And Women

My religion is better than yours, because both men and women are equally low. Both men and women are treated like second class citizens, so it's at least twice as good as "normal" religions that only put down one sex. That makes it more fun in a demented way. It's fun-dementedistic.

1. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Doesn't Claim To Be The Only Way

That's because it can't. It doesn't have a mouth.

The Serious Explanation

This hub is a parody tribute to all those who allow themselves to get in the way of God. This parody of a pushy religious person is meant to show the ridiculous reality of "religious people" getting in the way of their own message when trying to convince others to agree. What usually results is quite the opposite of what they actually want. Look for me to poke fun at various arguments, maybe even some I would agree with but understand the futility of placing the intangible into a tangible package.

The only thing I will tell you sincerely after all the silly business of this hub is that I believe because I want to. I look for God because I need Him. I hope for more because I have faith. You won't convince me to do otherwise. I have used up at least 25% of my life as I know it, and I don't have much more time to waste not searching, hoping, and believing. It seems a good way to waste the rest of my life.

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Comments 17 comments

parisinjeans 6 years ago

Makes more sense than most...being equally low sounds preferable to below. Actually I have been looking for a fun dementedistic type of spiritualism, and have never been fond of the evolution explanation which is after all just another theory. You made no mention of donations or passing the hat. Would that be required because I am opposed to all charitable contributions but my own. I might consider joining if you could see your way free to offering pine apple milkshakes.


Blake Flannery profile image

Blake Flannery 6 years ago from United States Author

parisinjeans,

My religion doesn't pass a hat. But it passes kidney stones, and it passes gas.

You can have a pine apple milkshake, but I don't know if the pine cone and apple seeds will be difficult to suck up a straw. You better use a spoon.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 6 years ago from Near the Ocean

I stopped believing in hell a few years back. Damn! Guess I should have visited Michigan first.


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 6 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

I enjoyed this, LOL! I am not into religion but a search for understanding, Truth, yet I am aware its my subjective truth, so have never pushed anyone into seeing things my way, and I have good friends who are religious but they know better than to preach to me. I find, what I believe today, may change tomorrow.

Looking forward to more parodies!


Waren E profile image

Waren E 6 years ago from HAS LEFT THE BUILDING............

I'd just like to know if ya have soy milk shakes you know a lota folks switched to soy products,I hope you religion is not bias to soy fans..LOL?

This hub was entirely hilarious Blake,thanks for posting this!..LOL


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country

There's Hell in California, too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell,_California

No chance for snowballs there. Milkshakes? probably not.


Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 6 years ago from Stepping past clutter

I want to go to hell. As a friend of mine from college used to say, "Heck, heaven is going to be boring with all those perfect people. Hell will need help and so that's where I plan to go... where I'm needed!"


Hxprof 6 years ago from Clearwater, Florida

Amusing read.


jhgcvgnn 6 years ago

this is dumb


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 5 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

Hallelujah you have made a believer out of me! Almost cried with laughter on this one. No wait, there's that glorious drop of sentimental salt water.

Noticing "jhgcvgnn's" comment only perturbs my personal earthquake of hilarity further.

Ah Christ, er Buhda, Mohammed, ah man, this is a riot.

The best part for me was I was fearing you were going to be an enbittered obtuse atheist at the end of it all. Instead you are someone who clearly walks closer to the Great Spirit than most.

Well done, ahaha. It's been awhile since I've posted someone else's article on my Facebook page. This one's going, well done Reverend Flannery, well done.

Ben


Blake Flannery profile image

Blake Flannery 5 years ago from United States Author

Ben,

Since you are a devoted follower, I'll make you the ad...Minister of Milkshakes.


kephrira profile image

kephrira 5 years ago from Birmingham

Great hub, I'm looking forward to my milkshake. Can I have strawberry please?

Thanks for your comment on my hub about the best religion satire. I've shared a link to this hub on TheDailySatire.com - http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Religion-Is-Better-Than... (you can sign up for free and vote for it if you want, and it'll get promoted to the front page!)


jainismus profile image

jainismus 4 years ago from Pune, India

Interesting Hub. I would like to join your religion and then to start a crusade against followers other religions. LOL...


nanderson500 profile image

nanderson500 4 years ago from Seattle, WA

I prefer chocolate milkshakes, especially malt. I should join this religion!


dndswordsmith profile image

dndswordsmith 4 years ago from Philadelphia County PA

If I wasn't okay with my religious beliefs, I'd be willing to give it a try. I love strawberry milkshakes though. Your hub was "cool" and really enjoyable. I'm still smiling... ;)


LoisRyan13903 profile image

LoisRyan13903 2 years ago from Upstate NY originally from Long Island

Sorry but I can't join your religion for two reasons. First I am lactose intolerant. Second I don't have a religion, I have a personal relationship with God and Jesus. Great hub though. I do like the clothing optional one I remember going to a church service once and the priest went on and on about somebody who wore a pair of shorts. He should have been happy that she was there for the service and not concerned about what she was wearing.


Blake Flannery profile image

Blake Flannery 2 years ago from United States Author

LoisRyan13903,

I'm glad you got the satire, and that you have a personal relationship with God and Jesus. How about some soy milkshakes?

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