My Religion is Better Than Yours: A Satirical Top 10
Arguing about Religion for No Reason
With all the many religions in the world, it's easy to get caught up in the dispute about which is best. Using humor is one good way to curb anger. So, writing persuasively about a non-existent religion is one way to keep things light.
These are the top 10 reasons my fake religion is better than yours, even though I don't know what religion you practice. It doesn't really matter, because this is more about arguing for the sake of arguing.
10. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Isn't Pushy
While other religions are merely pushy, mine takes a much more violent approach. It would rather just stab you in the chest. Now that's a religion to take seriously. It's as serious as a heart attack!
9. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Is Clothing Optional
You don't have to be naked, but you can wear anything you like. Anything from your birthday suit to a snowsuit. Dress goth, dress preppy, dress in denim. It's clothing optional. This allows people in my religion to take a shower without wearing any funny required outfits, so I don't smell. That's why your religion stinks and mine doesn't. Cleanliness is next to...
8. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because Everybody Gets Milkshakes When They Die
Other religions don't promise milkshakes for everyone. They offer heaven, or re-incarnation, or even 40 virgins. But unfortunately, not everyone gets to be rewarded with these things. None offer milkshakes. And who doesn't like a good milkshake?
My religion allows everyone to get a milkshake when they die, even if you don't believe in milkshakes. Even if you have only heard how great a milkshake is, but don't believe they exist, you get one. Isn't that awesome? You don't have to do any work for your milkshake. You can choose, of course, from chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry. My religion even allows for those crazy Steak n' Shake flavors that usually cost extra. You can use a spoon or a straw, but you are less religious if you use a spoon.
7. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Has No Rules
There are no rules about my religion except one. You must tell everyone else that your religion is better than theirs. When somebody gets offended, just tell them that it's part of your religious practice to tell everyone that their religion isn't as good as yours.
Threaten to sew them for not allowing you to practice your religion. Then tell them how yours is better because it's the only religion that officially includes putting down other religions, and the milkshake thing.
6. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because Nothing Was Ever Created
In my religion nothing was created. Everything was already around, and now things are disappearing. Science proves this phenomenon. For example, if I take a cup of water and set it on the counter for five days, there will be less water in the cup at the end of the five days. And not just because I got thirsty. Combine this "disappearing matter theory" with the fact that we have fossilized dinosaur bones and eggs around the world, with no remaining living species.
In fact, species are constantly dying off and going extinct. According to Wikipedia 99.99% of all species that have ever lived are now extinct, proving the opposite of the "Big Bang" and evolution. If evolution is not keeping pace with extinction, then we will run out of species in the future. Evolution is evolving into devolution. Eventually there will be one species left, and then we will eat each other. Humans are growing while other species are dying off by the dozens. But don't worry about morals or ethics of cannibalism, by then we will not have any morals anyway. Just a bunch of religions.
5. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because Anyone Can Go To Hell But No One Has To
That's because Hell is in Michigan. Whoever named this city has a sick sense of humor. I guess a snowball would have a chance there.
4. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Is A Scientific Theory
My religion uses the scientific method, but a little differently than what you think. The whole thing came from a hypothesis, which is an "if, then" statement. The original hypothesis was: "If my religion is better than yours, and most religions are built on subjective 'truth,' then mine will be better by being built on objective falsehood." At least we know whether my religion is true or false.
Because my religion is so new, it must be tested scientifically multiple times with independent researchers to scientifically prove that it is built around pure, genuine, ultimate falsehood. Unfortunately at this time my religion is not yet scientific law. It is still in theory form. Even those who claim that truth is what you make it can't make these claims. Enough with the argument. Mine is a real theory.
3. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Makes Sense
Since this is the only official writing about my religion, and there are Google adsense adds on this page, then my religion actually makes ad sense. Hey at least one religion should be making some impressions. It may make cents or even dollars too, depending on how many people spread the word.
2. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Puts Down Men And Women
My religion is better than yours, because both men and women are equally low. Both men and women are treated like second class citizens, so it's at least twice as good as "normal" religions that only put down one sex. That makes it more fun in a demented way. It's fun-dementedistic.
1. My Religion Is Better Than Yours Because My Religion Doesn't Claim To Be The Only Way
That's because it can't. It doesn't have a mouth.
The Serious Explanation
This hub is a parody tribute to all those who allow themselves to get in the way of God. This parody of a pushy religious person is meant to show the ridiculous reality of "religious people" getting in the way of their own message when trying to convince others to agree. What usually results is quite the opposite of what they actually want. Look for me to poke fun at various arguments, maybe even some I would agree with but understand the futility of placing the intangible into a tangible package.
The only thing I will tell you sincerely after all the silly business of this hub is that I believe because I want to. I look for God because I need Him. I hope for more because I have faith. You won't convince me to do otherwise. I have used up at least 25% of my life as I know it, and I don't have much more time to waste not searching, hoping, and believing. It seems a good way to waste the rest of my life.
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