My Suicidal

I crashed into extreme, to much my heart can hold….life became uneasy…I no longer could move my feet.
There time in life…along the journey…I asked myself…is life worth of living? Not yet have I answered it, it was completely unknown….I disqualify myself…I treat myself invisible. My mother came to view…in drunk characteristic, my dad had showed…how careless he is. Life was too much, for a small heart to control…banging my head on the wall, pulling my hair out, hitting fist on the floor, and shout my anger out.

I was storming inside, all alone…flood in my own pain…drown on my own…left an empty shell…just a lifeless being remain. Thunder storms in my heart…tornado took me apart…split my feeling in two…no where I knew where it went too.

Happiness gone to one path and pain to this path…when can I ever get my happiness back?

Several years I live in nightmare…too much my heart can take…too much razor cut through my skin…too much scar to be named.

Living helplessly no one to turn to…no friends, no cousin, no sister nor brother…nothing who I can talk to…but the mirror. The wall and ceiling…soon came my best friend. The mirror that I spoke to, know me more than you.

I listen to music…to ease my pain, but their yelling was louder than the music I played. The time start ticking…tears continue dripping and my heart start to grow more thorns, my body worn.

Knife held in my hand…should I cut or should I let go? Question like this run through my mind…but I was forced by words they brought upon me. Calling me names that I do not like…using profanity replace by animal, treat me like mites!

They step on my soul…took all of my hope…took half of my life to live in misery! Therefore I like to end my life…slitting a knife…unto my throat…but a friend of mine came to rescue. He call me stupid…he call me insane…all I did…was cry all day.

Lean against his shoulder…I see my tear drops…he was there for me…when times I needed help.

I tell him I hate life…and life sure hate me…brought me so much pain and agony. Living in misery…continuously…

He held me up…during my downfall…and before he left me…there is always a gift that bring a smile to enlighten my face.

My spirit came alive…then soon it died…disappeared to the thin air…once again…pain strikes. My heart pounding weak…and left a message…I love him…goodbye…

He heard the tears I cried…leaving him voice mail…he rush to where I was…I slip off the chair strangled on rope to my neck…leaving me hanging dead…

Sam pulled me out…took me in the emergency room. Doctors and nurse…save my life. Woke up in the hospital, asking where am I? In the hospital…darn! Why am I still alive?

Counseling was requested by doctors and so….yet it doesn’t work…pain could still not go.
Sam has died…long time ago…from a car accident happen 8 years ago. If he still living, I would have been with him, but he left me in the arm of my fiance to hold.

I committed suicide many times long ago…but it was unsuccessful…

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Comments 15 comments

VENZKHVAM profile image

VENZKHVAM 5 years ago from Milk way galaxy, trying to find a more adventurous place in another galaxy with my great followers

oh my god this is the last thing i want any one in this world to do. please talk to yourself and let there be more sam in every chanroths life to pull them out of the suicidal tendency. i really feel very bad ,for the sufferings you had gone through. keep confidence in your self. may god be with you chanroth.voted up


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi Dinesh, Thank you! It is a suffer to be trapped in a suicidal thoughts.:)


Binaya.Ghimire 5 years ago

When my light went out,

One day in my life.

I thought to kill myself

But so poor of me

I had no courage to cut my nerve.


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

therefore suicidal thought soon disappear

I convince myself,

I have to face my fear

through thick and thin

I must stand strong...


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

OMG, This breaks my heart, really, you are such a sweet person, be strong, call on God to help you. Healing begins when you love yourself. Life is a gift from God, cherish it please. You are strong.......


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Aww...Ruby, your very sweet. I love you! ^_^. You are right, healing begin when I start to love myself, I'm still working on that. My fiance kept telling me that but I still struggle. He tell me, before start loving someone else is to learn how to love yourself. He is right, I'm learning...Thank yo with warm hugs! :)


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

I'm so glad!!! Warm hugs back my Dear friend..


Binaya.Ghimire 5 years ago

Dear chanroth, you have completed my poetry, do I have the rights? LOL.


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Binaya, Binaya, Binaya! LOL...sure...^_^ I was hoping for someone to add the next line. Its all yours! :D


saffron12 5 years ago

its not true


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Never asked you to believe saffron12. There is always something that is hard to believe. :0)


Mrs. Marshall 5 years ago

Dear Chanroth,

Mrs.Hanna send me your profile and I happen to read your journal this morning and came across this title. I notice you add some strong feeling in your poem. You uses words to create something that sound strong in your poetry. You uses metaphor in this poetry. Hanging self meant for suffocating. I think some people doesn't understand your metaphor. This is a great piece. Enjoy honey.

Mrs. Marshall


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Mrs Marshall! Finally! lol. Yes I did use metaphor. I'm so glad you caught that. hahaha....see why I say your my best teacher in the world? Thanks big much and happy traveling!

Your student

Chanroth


feenix profile image

feenix 5 years ago

Hello, chanroth,

In this post, you did an excellent job of describing the condition that I and many others suffer every day. So many of the things that have happened in our lives and that are continuing to happen are "killing us softly."


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA Author

Hi Feenix, thank you. You are right, it does kill us softly. Sometime it's really hard to get ourselves back on our feet.

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