My Thoughts/ Mes Pensees (Journal)

6th December, 2009

Cuba … I am at an all-inclusive resort in Varadero and I am feeling shameful and ‘dirty’; overall as someone who is taking advantage of something. My feelings are not without a cause.

I am a ‘gringo’ walking around with a fluorescent green wrist-band, drinking and eating anytime, basically worry-free. It is disgusting since most Cuban people with an average salary of fifteen dollars a month are struggling to live; thus, I feel ashamed.

The night I arrived in the lobby of the hotel I had a man in perhaps his mid forties grab my gigantic backpacking bag to carry it to my room. Being considerably younger than him I did not feel that he should carry my bag and told him that I would carry it myself but he would not let that happen. I felt awful for that too. When I got to my room I gave him five American dollars and some of the things I had brought to give away: shampoo, body-wash, a Diesel cologne, deodorant … I asked him if he had kids and when he said “yes" I also gave him a couple of packs of gum, a bag of gummy-bears and a couple of Kinder eggs. He was too thankful … now every time he sees me he gives me a big smile and half-screams: “Romaniaaa!” (I told him where I was originally from and that I had lived half my life in a communist country thus, I knew his struggle). Again I feel horrible … I wish I could do more … I have to do more!

10pm Sunday, 6th December, 2009

I bartended almost ten years in my ‘younger’ days and so I generally tip bartenders and waiters as I liked to be tipped: good. So now I got bartenders rushing to serve me when I approach the bar. Drinks do not cost anything since this is an all-inclusive resort and so it feels like all the people serving and helping with the accommodation are slaves. They are always there to push the seat under you as you sit down to eat and when you have a bite left they are there to take your plate away asking you if you want a drink. They work for next to nothing and yet they always smile … it is a forceful smile though – I see through it. They have no choice.

I went to the beach last night at about 3AM and there was a guy sitting on a chair, alone on the entire beach … he was a security guard. What was he guarding? The sand? The waves? I am being sarcastic; I know why he was there … to prevent drunken ‘gringos’ like me from drowning. But why? Fuck it! If you’re a ‘genius’ that gets really drunk and drowns – you deserve it! People hardly get what they deserve …

It is honestly ridiculous how the Cubans working at the resort ‘kiss so much ass’ to the tourists. I know there is not much else they can do … tourism is the main source of decent employment here so the Cubans try to make the tourists as happy as they can … it is saddening to see.

I am not sure what is happening to me … I do not seem to care about anything else except Mother Earth and its relationship with our specie. Therefore, humans and humanity itself is only of secondary importance to Mother Earth for me …

I have questions and questions … and more questions about what we (humans) are doing and where we are ‘going’. I cannot seem to be able to enjoy or even partake in ‘harmless’ conversations’. I feel like there is hardly any time left. There is a great urgency for action and dramatic change within the world’s society. I am not sure why yet. Our existence as a specie is not at risk in its entirety but there is ‘a lot at stake’. (It is the truth as I see it and I am currently working on an essay that should clear things a little.)

I am not on any drugs … I am not drunk – I am actually drinking water right now at this useless Cuban resort unlike the majority of people who are flooding the open-bars from morning ‘till night. I wish I could snap my fingers and get all these drunken zombies to wake-up and concentrate on things that are important.

Sadness lies within me and not for myself – I am ‘fine’ (I have no kids, no wife or girlfriend – I want none of those … whatever happens to me I can overcome), the rest of the world though is in trouble and Mother Earth is highly distressed.

Have I gone completely insane? Where are all these thoughts and feelings coming from and why? I am actually afraid to ask “why” … maybe I don’t want to know.

There are so many questions … I welcome them though. Here I must make a parenthesis: when I use the word “I”, I do not think of myself as Mr. Happy, Dre, Hanz, Rasta or any other of the ‘personas’ which people know me by. When I say “I” (or “I am”) it is a completely selfless statement. “I” is without body, name or any other “given” attributes. “I” is the spirit … the faceless driver in a car (body). “I” could very well be “You”.

When I write (say) what I write (say), I do so because I see Life (beings: humans, animals, plants, insects) as being threatened. “I” am not worried so much about Mother Earth because she is relentless, a fighter and a survivor, adapting and changing with whatever circumstances exist. I cannot say the same about our specie though. We humans are quite weak and fragile. As Pascal once said, a drop of water is enough to kill us (paraphrased). If we do not use our only asset worth mentioning, our intelligence, we will not be well in the future to say the least.

Personally I do not favour “sad endings” so I try to warn/raise awareness but ultimately I will accept any outcome because I know there is no “end” for Mother Earth and thus, Life itself. The question is if there is an ‘end’ for us. And if so when and how?

For the most part I know that what I say/write is ‘heavy’ and difficult to ‘digest’ and I know that most people “cannot handle the truth’. Yet, we need to look at things as they are; we need to realize that we as humans are “one”, regardless of shapes, colours or where we were born. We have to strive for the progress and evolution of our specie and focus on what is really important … Enough for now … I’m tired.



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Comments 16 comments

tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Totally agree with you. Thanks for sharing your journal thoughts. They make a lot of sense to me. Have had similar experiences in South Africa and have had similar thoughts to yours about them. When there is a huge gap between those who have and those who don't then there can be no "normal" human relations - the gap distorts everything.

Love and peace

Tony


silver lining 5 profile image

silver lining 5 6 years ago from Southwest

Insightful and truthful, sad to say that's the shape of things. Thanks, well done.


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you for your comments "Tony" and "Silver Lining" and thank you for taking the time to read ... I really had doubts about wether or not I should have posted this last blog ... much appreciated.


donna bamford profile image

donna bamford 6 years ago from Canada

Interesting reading your impressions of bein gin Cuba. I too had similar thoughts years ago in india. I found this interesting and well written. I shall return to read more.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida

I understand the feelings you express here and have felt them many times -- particularly during the months I spent in West Africa. I think every self-satisfied North American should have to visit an impoverished nation as part of their education. Bye and happy holidays.


myownworld profile image

myownworld 6 years ago from uk

I broke down reading this....i understand and feel all your thoughts.... 'Sadness lies within me and not for myself' - that is EXACTLY how I feel when I look at the world now...and the intense, almost insane need to help, reach out, better lives around us. In my helplessness, I often turn to writing, as you have, and I hope this 'positive' energy will somehow make a difference.

You write beautifully....and I loved every word of this. Thank you for sharing


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Donna, thank you for your kind words.

Immartin, I appreciate your 'thoughts' as usual.

Myownworld, I did not mean to make you sad as well ... your comments are always extremely generous.

Thank you all.


christinecook profile image

christinecook 6 years ago

i share you thoughts as well.great journal i look forward to reading more


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 6 years ago from London, UK

Nice of you to share. I hope you find answers to those questions. Best Wishes.


Sunshyne1975 profile image

Sunshyne1975 6 years ago from California, US

Wow. I am having a hard time finding words to express how I felt when I read these journal entries. I too have so many questions. I spend all day at home alone with only my thoughts and hubpages to keep me company. lol. Which I don't mind, I really like being alone. I worry a lot about where this world is headed. It seems like things are getting so much worse. The news is full of horrible unthinkable acts that "people" have committed. I can't understand these things. I am happy that there are other people out there who see things this way and are not afraid to express their feelings. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt hub.


Maggie-May profile image

Maggie-May 6 years ago from the Island of Cape Breton to the Eastern Shores near Halifax, NS

Great thoughts to share..much interest in the real!


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Mr Happy, again you are deep. Very admirable. Most people on vaction don't even consider the people serving them. They'll probably throw them a few dollars but that's the extent of their thought. You, brother are deep and thoughful.

I believe that kindness begets kindness. You must receive alot of kindness...

Loved the expose.


apache13 profile image

apache13 5 years ago from Belleville AR.

It is true you are a deep person,I went to port of Hemingway Havana to sail a boat back to St. Paul MN. The people to me were very friendly and I saw that most did not really know they were deprived of what Americans have in freedom.Castro was an unmentioned name there they used sign language to speak of him.I believe out of deep hatred and respect,I know,how do you respect what you hate? There's no homeless there,there's no hunger there and everyone who can work has a job. The hand rolled cigars and a homemade peanut spread were two things that Castro allowed them to keep the money they made off of. I bought all the peanut spread I had money for before leaving.And I noticed if I gave too large of a tip or too nice of a present they seemed to resent me,maybe they felt like I was showing off,they are a very proud people. They know they are poor too thats the problem with Communism there's a super rich and the super poor no in between like here.The all things common of the bible is not the same as the red seal. Great write,will read more soon.


Charlu profile image

Charlu 5 years ago from Florida

Awesome hub I applaud your honesty. I think we all feel a sense of hopelessness sometimes which inspires some to do nothing. When in turn if we all just made it a point to do a little the dramatic changes needed could occur. Thanks for a great hub. Up and awesome


louiseelcross profile image

louiseelcross 5 years ago from UK

Thank you for your interesting hub. If each one of us does our bit we make someone smile. x


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you so much for your comment Mr./Mrs. Louiseelcross. I do agree with you that if we each did our bit, the world would be a much happier place.

We should indeed aim for that. Cheers!

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