No Waking Up
Photo by: johnny4capsico
She thought she found someone to rescue her from her misery. She saw a man that could take her away from whatever she was running from and be able to live the life she wanted. She made herself into the woman he was looking for and always wanted. She listened to his heart, his words, his values and said what she needed to.
He thought he had found the one person he had searched for in vain his whole life. He thought he found the one person that he could love with all of his being and be loved, truly loved by her. Blinded by her words, smoke screens hiding the truth, half truths, and lies, he fell. Weak for her, what he thought was her, he couldn’t see what everyone else saw. He didn’t heed his friends and family. He didn’t heed her family’s words. “They just don’t know her the way I do”, he thought.
As time passed his love for her grew stronger and was put to the test by her personality and traits slowly showing through. He thought, “She has just had a hard life. It’s not her fault. I can help her, love her, make her pain go away by showing her there is another way, a loving way”. He left his family and friends to be with her. He loved her.
Arguments arose. Things were said to him, making him feel less than. Pushing, pulling his heart and his mind back and forth, all the while he is trying to convince her he was not going anywhere. He loved her. He was dedicated to her. It was never enough. Just as things were coming to a head, he finds out he is having a son. A life is growing and an even deeper love fills his heart. Her words and actions break him down further. Degrading him in public, embarrassing him, words in private that make his heart sink. She is a new mother, he thought to himself, it’s hard on her. So, I have to be even stronger now for the both of us.”
She had moments of caring sanity that tried to crawl out. It was a side he knew was there and with enough love would become stronger. He kept showing her the way it could be, what his parents had. Two people loving each other for each other no matter what life threw at them. Those moments were fleeting and as she controlled more and more of him. Beating down the man and trying to mold a source to supply her with her wants. His sixty hour work weeks while pursuing a degree lasted for years. A man provides for his family. Honorable men don’t complain. His friends wondered how he was, where he was. He was not allowed to contact them. “They don’t really love you like I do. Your family just wants to keep us apart. If you really loved me, you would only need me”. Her words eventually turn him. Phone calls home become rare and short. Hiding his calls to his friends and family when he is at work.
Her nights of questionable absence. Scared for her safety only to have her stumble in early the next morning. Accepting her stories, as his questions are turned on him. It hurt less than the truth. She will change. Things will get better. Love is stronger.
He now has two sons. Beautiful and wonderful. They are his strength. He teaches them what his father taught him, what he remembers seeing when growing up. Always do the right thing. All the while his beliefs are slowly being buried. He should have done something. More nights of question and sleeplessness.
Finally he is able to give her everything she has ever told him she wanted. Perfect house, perfect neighborhood, perfect school, perfect children, cars she always wanted, more of everything. He didn’t care about the money but he knew it made her happy. He thought it would help make her happy. He thought maybe this will finally give her the chance to Love.
He is no longer necessary. Strange phone calls, text messages, hidden conversations happen more and more. Hearing how hard her life is with the boys, he feels bad for her. He Loves her. She can see it. He knows she just has to. All the years of flowers and rose petal baths, candle lit bedrooms, weren’t enough but now she has the life she wanted. Now it will all be okay.
He is told to leave. He is told he is not a man. He is a bad father. He could never love her the way the others can. He wasted her life. He is worthless. Her eyes glare as the words spill out of her mouth.
His heart dies. Slowly rising with tears filling his eyes he asks her to please leave because his heart can not stand the sight. Exhausted, sick to his stomach, crying, he slumps on the floor in a corner unable to move. He stares at the walls for hours waiting to wake up. There is no waking up. There are no children laughing and playing, no sound of them running back and forth. There is no light, no air, no reason.
There is no waking up.
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Don't be me. Follow your emotions and live them. Do not squander the finite time we have in these bodies.
After my divorce I lost all hope in right and wrong. None of the principles I was brought up on mattered and no one could convince me this life was worth sticking around for.