Oh Kitty Kitty

Oh Kitty Kitty

Oh kitty kitty, where couldst thou be?

I seek and I seek, but I haven’t found thee.

I looked up on the rooftop, I looked in a tree

I’m beginning to think you’re avoiding me.

I know I don’t often change your cat box

And I’m sorry about stuffing your head in my socks

But it was awfully funny when you ran backwards like that

I laughed as you stumbled, you hissed and you spat

I know it was wrong, so now where did you go?

I promise no more of that cat hammer throw.

Though your tail is so tempting, resisting is hard

And you did actually clear the neighbor’s back yard

Over the fence you hissed through the air

Clearing his chimney with inches to spare

And how great was the clamor when you struck that Pit Bull

Wow did that fight have your little paws full!

But then you came home, only missing one ear

And now I can’t find you, oh kitty my dear.

So where did you go? I miss my sweet cat

There’s only your fur on the couch where you sat—

Well, the couch and the carpet and on most of my clothes

And our guest is allergic and sits scratching her nose

But seeing the empty place where you usually are

Makes me wonder if maybe you were struck by a car.

And I don’t say it flippantly or trying to be mean,

I just don’t want to think that you've ruptured your spleen.

Vet bills these days are obscenely too high

Just like those stitches I got in my thigh

I don’t blame you for clawing me, I was playing too rough

But drying a cat is hilarious stuff

I always laugh when you’re spinning in there

Even on “Delicate” it poofs up your hair.

So yes, I don’t blame you for scratching me so

But I wasn’t expecting that you would go

So where are you, dear kitty, where can you be

Why don’t you come out and play with me?

I haven’t been drinking, not since two nights ago

And I seem to recall we played rodeo

You were the steer and I roped you all night

And then we played Tarzan till morning light

From there it gets fuzzy, we were out in the garage

My poor sodden memory just needs a massage.

I guess I’ll go look, see if you’re under my truck

I will find you, dear kitty, with any luck

And while I’m out there perhaps I can tell

From whence comes that terrible rotting smell.

Blame this poem on Stan Fletcher

As you can see, I am not a poet. This poem is entirely the fault of Stan Fletcher and his hub "Killer Ideas for Your Next Hub." Normally I don't allow myself to be baited into such things, contests that pit writer against writer, a furious and debauched perversion of the art to be sure, but, well, when the prize is as stupefyingly large as Stan is coughing up ($3.00 cold hard cash), even those with high moral, uh, highness will stoop to beggaring our craft. And so I have. I apologize and assure you no cats were injured in the making of this horrendous trainwreck of verse.

More by this Author


Comments 112 comments

Jewels profile image

Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

Very humorous Shades. I know many a person who'd love to read this.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

THanks Jewels. My neighbor will have a cow if she sees this. LOL. But, I blame Stan, His contest, his problem. I will direct her to him. :)


Dawn71 profile image

Dawn71 6 years ago from UK

I visualised every moment of your verse, I was there...lol ...voting up now... :D

It tripped off my tongue your delightful description, not for one minute did I think it was fiction.

Stan is the man to blame for all abstention, he knows too well the reason, it's rhythmic animation.

As humorous and funny as it may be, there lies a debt of cat humour death apathy.

Now that may change since this competition started, cause Stan is the man and this is me now parted :)

Lol! Please excuse me! Loving the Stan Fletcher work :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

lol, I see you have caught the rhythmic fever, Dawn, how very nice that you shared. And yeah, Stan's fun, the crazy Taco Bell addict that he is.


Dawn71 profile image

Dawn71 6 years ago from UK

Yes S-b I have, getting into your poetry posse'. Your poem is perfect, funny and ends on a maybe note. Ok maybe not a maybe, but a possible maybe, apart from the stench which we can ignore.


Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 6 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

The god of Felinity rumbles "Beware!

For treating my children with less than due care

my curses will fall on your miserable head

till mewling and puking you'll wish you were dead!"


lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

UH look buddy, this is good, yeah, but my dead kitten poem is going to get me that blizzard. IT IS MINE! SO BACK OFF JACK!


ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

OOooOOOw hissss spit. Okay, it's funny.

Your lines:

There’s only your fur on the couch where you sat—

Well, the couch and the carpet and on most of my clothes

remind me of a pudgy comedienne's (name sadly forgotten)bit about when she ran into an old friend who asked if she was currently seeing anyone. The comedienne gave her a "duh" gesture and said, "Look at me. I'm covered in cat fur. What do YOU think?"

Well, I guess there's not much hope for my Kitty Ode now unless . . . hmmm . . . I wonder if Stan's open to bribery . . .

L.T.


ralwus 6 years ago

ROFLMAO I enjoyed this as I hate my wife's cats. If I were braver . . .


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Oh Shadesbreath, now this what I call poetry at it's finest. No guessing, no symbolism that makes me say "what the Hxxx". Loved it,

hope you're well

regards Zsuzsy


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Ralwus just lost points for hating cats. SB, you just got up votes for writing this poem. The $3 is still up for grabs, but Wayne Brown has a serious head start.

Your kitty will come back to haunt you for sure.


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 6 years ago

Bloody brilliant :) You write prose with wild abandon. Damn funny. And I get it too.


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 6 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

I love it...made me LOL.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Let me demonstrate what I had said and meant about the usefulness of our friend Bunyan. And do feel free to admit your error at any time:

Wilt thou hearken unto me if I give thee counsel? A Christian man is never long at ease, when one fright's gone, another doth him seize. I fear that this burden that is upon thy back will sink thee lower than the grave, because thy cat know not whither to go or whither must it fly. Thou will sink lower than the grave, into a place that burns with fire and brimstone

Pray, Sir, open this secret to me: Thy cat would fain be where it shall die no more? Thou seek thine cat as thou seek an inheritance incorruptible, undefiled, and that fadeth not away and it is laid up in heaven, and safe there to be bestowed, at the time appointed, on them that diligently seek it. But without thy cat thou cannot find it even thou be arraigned in garments that will make thou shine like the sun in the firmament of heaven and the springs that are in thy head shall sent the waters down thy cheeks.

Thou has surprised me for thy weakness for a cat and the hearing of this is enough to ravish one's heart. A man such as thee, who has subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, and turned to flight the armies of the aliens, now yearning for a kitty. So I told our elders I would call for thee, who, after discourse had with them, mayest do as seemeth thee good, even according to the law of the house.

In conclusion, the Lord be with thee, and add to all thy blessings much increase as thou shall possess the brave country alone in search of thy kitty.. :-)))))


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

OMG Has De Greek had a transformation before our very eyes. I can see him now in tights and prancing around chasing his kitty:0)

With thees and thous of encouragement. Hereith Kitty Kitty your master emplorith do taketh your furballs offith my fineith royal garmenth.

Shades you did a marvelous job of stumbling through prose with your Ode to the Kitty. I own a Tabby and believe me when I say this, we may think we are the boss, but not with a feline. They rule and dogs drool is their motto not only with dogs, but with us humans.

You are right up there with Wayne Brown with this one, I think you should introduce Kitty to the Lone Ranger, I'm sure he would not take a hissy fit, but enjoy cozing up to a real pussy.

But make it a black cat, it will match his colors. I can loan you one from the Poem I wrote...The Cat From Hell.....I rate this UP..it's to dam funny not to...Peace..purrrrrrrrrr


wingedcentaur profile image

wingedcentaur 6 years ago from That Great Primordial Smash UP of This and That Which Gave Rise To All Beings and All Things!

Well done Shadesbreath and Good Day to you, sir!

You're just cranking out hubs at a furious pace now, aren't you? I'm not going to try to be funny or a wise guy. I voted this poem-hub up for funny and awesome.

That was an excellent humorous poem. It was well-structured but felt so free at the same time. If poetry is not one of your talents, you must have been exceptionally inspired at the time. Perhaps you were finished with it before you even knew you had started. I'm impressed with you versatility.

In your profile you said you are a fantasy and science fiction writer as well. Do you plan to share any of your more serious work in those genres, with us here at HubPages? Just curious.

Again, very well done.

Take care.


poetvix profile image

poetvix 6 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

This was totally hilarious. I was laughing all the way through it at the great story and marveling at the stellar poem.


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Flag up and awesome! Great hub..!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Dawn, I have to say, only the truly optimistic will find it a maybe, but then, who am I to say. I'm but the vessel. lol.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Paraglider, I'm not usually the mewling and puking type. Well, okay, not the mewling type. Unless my wife tells me I have to, then I will, but that's different. I would suck if I incurred the wrath of some Cthonic feline deity, though. Can you imagine if that's how we discovered for sure which religion was right? The faith that men crushed under? Yikes.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Lisadpreston: You may miss snarl and hiss all you want, but in the end, me and my dead cat will be enjoy the smooth creamy deliciousness of that blizzard and you are you dead cat will be, uh, I'm not really sure, but it won't be eating my blizzard and fries. So, :P.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Ltfawkes, was the comedienne Margaret Cho? I'm not sure why, but that seems like something she would have done. Anyway, pretty funny. AND, you are undervaluing yours. I laughed my ass off when I read yours. I got up and went and recited it to my wife it was so funny. But then, I love subtlety.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Ralwus: Dude, I swear I read that the first time that you wrote, "I enjoyed this as I ate my wife's cats. If I were braver..." I was like, WTF, you'd eat her too? Good thing I reread that. Whew.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Austinstar, my cats already come back and haunt me and they aren't even dead. They have this goddamn game they play called: "Let's lie down in the middle of the F-ing floor as soon as they turn off all the lights and head to bed in the total darkness." It's a very long name for a game, but they seem to enjoy it because they play it every night. Apparently they get 5 points for me stumbling, 10 if I bounce off walls or furniter trying to avoid crushing them of falling, and a full 20 points if I fall. They also get bonus points if they bite me, 5 for a light wound, 15 for blood that runs. >^;^


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Frogdropping: Thank you, thank you, you are too kind. :)

Uninvited Writer: Thanks to you too. I'm glad to see you back around HP more often too, btw.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

De Greek, I have to tell you, I wouldn't have thought you could have improved upon those fine lines, and there you have. AND, you got to use "wither must it fly" like you wanted. PLUS, you got to use "fain" which, frankly, is a word that is grossly under appreciated these days. I need to start working that into my conversations. In fact, I shall try to do that straight away, as conspicuous and obnoxious as it will be to my family, friends and coworkers. (That reminds me of a game the telephone sales guys at my work used to play: they'd come up with a ridiculous word maybe like "fain" but usually really bad, like "lederhosen" or even "skeh-doosh," and then they each had to work it into a conversation with a customer during the day. Whoever didn't do it by the end of the day was THE loser. lol).

And as for admitting errors, I would never do such a thing even were it possible for a circumstance to occur.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Saddlerider, compliments coming from an actual poet like yourself on this are very kind, charity, certainly, but I rejoyce in them and will delude myself into a frenzy of Wordsworthian joy. :D

And you know, your observation about De Greek in the tights prancing about with a kitty I think is not so much transformation but part of the ongoing revelation. I can see it too. His character is too solidly confident to eschew such a thing were the mood to strike him, and I can seem him capering about some castle turret, dark curly leg hairs protruding from his tights like quivering spider's legs, ode'ing and sonneting "Oh Kitty Kitty, whither dost thou fly..."

And Wayne's is pretty damn funny, I admit. We have to give Stan Credit for making something fun. I wish there was a way to have gotten his contest more "air time" with HP. I posted a link in the forums, but don't think anyone saw it. Fun stuff.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Hey Shades have a mosey on over to my last Hub: Madness of the Night-An Alien Encounter. Then scroll down and see the links to a few hubbers who entered the challenge to write a Scary Haloween story.

Wayne Brown is one of them with his "Cabin in the Woods" enjoy. And if you would like to ad a scary hub, simply send your link to Silvergenes and she will gladly add it. You are a terrific writer and people would love to read a scary one from you as your contribution to Fright Night at the hubs, please give it your consideration. peace


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hey Wingedcentaur, I'm glad you stopped by. You're right, two in a week or so. That's not usually the case. But, both were pretty quick. You're right about this one being done before I knew it. I came home, opened my email, saw a note about Stan's contest, went and read the hub, got to number 13 on the list and by the time I finished reading the hub I had the first four lines jammed up in my brain already trying to come out. As for sharing other stuff, I'm still trying to sell all the stuff I really like, and the stuff I don't like, I wouldn't want to share. But after seeing that Ltfawkes is posting novels, I don't know. Maybe I will. I'm giving myself one more year to sell the novel I finished two years ago or so, and then I probably will for sure. Getting tired of waiting 6 months at a time to hear back from publishers. Two or three submissions a year is LAME. Almost rather just self-publish and see if I can get my HP friends to read it and promote it, maybe even as affiliates or something. Rather have SOMEONE read it and buy it than NObody.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Poetvix: Thanks! When poets like yourself and Saddlerider say "nice poem" to a guy like me, it makes me want to be mean to other animals in verse just so I can be praised like this. I wonder if my neighbor is using his dog right now.

Dallas, thanks for that. I appreciate you taking the time to read and click. :)

Saddlerider, I shall go read it this very moment. I have stuff to do this weekend, but if the contest has a bit of a window of time, I might well try to dash something off.


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Shades - You've done it again! The only problem is that now you can't be a judge for the contest, which I was counting on, but you're ode to your dead cat makes it all worth it. I LOL'ed throughout, ROLF'ed on myself once or twice, and even peed my pants, but just a little. (Made a stain on my pants about as big around as a quarter, but that's TMI.)

The funny thing is, when I wrote the piece, I really didn't anticipate anyone playing along. I was just having a bout of HBDS (Humorous Brain Diarrhea Syndrome). It's kinda' taken on a life of it's own.

There are some great comments on here too. There are several folks who commented who should be on the judge's panel. Paraglider, DeGreek, and others.

I think I'll announce the winner on Thanksgiving Day. That will give anybody who wants to play along a chance to find it. NiComp is writing a hub about each of the 20 topics.

Thanks for the laughs man. Not to plug myself (lie) but I really want you to check out http://hubpages.com/literature/The-Upcoming-Erecti

You'll dig it.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Well, Shades, I can't really comment because I'm a judge of this ill-conceived competition, but I must say this ditty has merit. Great merit, indeed.

That's all for now!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Yeah, Stan, I know. Lorlie actually hit me up to be a judge, and I got the email yesterday and literally replied to her saying, "sure, I'm intersted" then clicked the link to see what it was all about. By the time I got to the 13th item on the list, there was no chance I was passing that up. Sorry. LOL. You should hit up De Greek and Paraglider to judge for sure. I started a thread about it in the forums, if people make a point of keeping it bumped, you'll get more and more people to have a look and play along. Maybe HP will sticky it for you.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

And yes, Lorlie, I know. I have ruined my chance to judge. But, technicaly, it's your fault because you gave me a link to it. Had you not included a link, I might have waited for your reply before I went poking around to see what it was all about and by then, had I heard back and obligated myself, I would have been, erm, obligated as a judge. So, there you have it.


ralwus 6 years ago

I would eat them if she'd let me. Then I could make a sporran from their skins, and hang the tails off my truck antennae.


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

You have done it again, Shadesbreath! Occasionally at the beginning, I heard little bits of "The Night Before Christmas."

If you get around to reading my latest hub about M&M's, you'll meet Jay Shane, who hates cats. He would love your hub.

Although poetry is not your thing, You have done a pretty good thing -- and, thank Heaven, with humor!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, ha ha ha ha brilliant! My brother would love this! he thinks cats are the funniest creatures around, and I could just 'see' all the action against poor kitty! I loved it and laughed all the way through.


wingedcentaur profile image

wingedcentaur 6 years ago from That Great Primordial Smash UP of This and That Which Gave Rise To All Beings and All Things!

Hey Shadesbreath

I was just thinking about something regarding your unpublished science fiction and fantasy work. Wouldn't placing your work here on HubPages, actually help your efforts to get it published, if you can show a potential publisher how popular x, y, z stories are with the amount of traffic that is drawn to them?


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

How can something make me laugh and squirm uncomfortably at the same time? You know how I feel about my seven cats...but damn...I did love the line about vet bills and stitches in your thigh. :)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Meow. . . purrrrrr. . . . .


maggs224 profile image

maggs224 6 years ago from Sunny Spain

I loved this it was so funny I am rating this up, good luck with the competition I hope you scoop the grand $3.00 prize


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Ralwus, how inventive of you.

Mysterylady, I'm sure there is some Night Before Christmas in there. That's pretty much the only ryhme scheme I know. I alwasy get my iambics and trochaics tossed together, have less rythm than granite and the only thing melodious about me is my, well, I might snore melodiously, but you'll have to ask my wife. And I shall go read that hub straight away.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Nell, cats are the funniest creatures on Earth. We have two that are, well, let's just say they fought for back of the line when God was handing out cat brains. It's hard to tell which one is more ridiculous. Glad you laughed. (And I loved your Four Horseman story... made me want to write one for that Halloween thing too.)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Wingedcentaur, yes, that seems to be the point Ltfawkes was trying to get through my thick skull. Really though, I haven't seen a lot of traffic on stories. They usually die out after a week or two. My Vlad the Inhaler and Washboard Vlad stories get a couple of views a day, but I'm not sure that's going to get a publisher too fired up. Given that experience, I'm not so convinced that putting the stuff I've really worked hard on up will do any better and, given the amount of effort that goes in, meh. Dunno. I probably will at some point. I'm going to toss a halloween story up and see how it goes. I haven't put up anything but humor, so we'll see how fright goes. Never done a horror piece before.


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 6 years ago

That poor kitty! I think I counted nine lives that you stole from him with each 'fun' game you played. You make it so very easy to imagine a cat flinging across the yard or tumbling in a dryer. This poem makes me want to check out this competition. Really enjoyed your disclaimer at the end! You make a fine poet, Shades!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Spryte, the vet thing is just an evil we perpetrate on ourselves. We allow ourselves to become attached to things like family members, except we also know they break easy and die soon. We deserve to pay vet bills for being so dumb.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

LOL, Nellieanna, the briefest comment you've ever left. You are either mortified or in hysterics. (Or something else my binary mind refuses to conceive).

Maggs, I'm thinking I might even toss a bribe at Lorlie and Stan to try to lock down that small fortune. Thanks for the rate-up. :)

ACSutliff, you should check it out. There's lots of just ridiculous topics to choose from; I know you could find one to play with. And think about it, a Dairy Queen gift certificate worth THREE BUCKS!!! (You noticed the nine lives thing... my wife did too. :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

ROFLMAO, as usual well up to your witty high standards Shades. Especially loved the tumble drier part as this actually happened to a friend of mines cat by accident many years ago. Apparently she had been using the drier and left the door open. Attracted by the warmth her cat got into the drier and when my friend came back she slung in a couple more items of clothing and shut the door. immediately the drier started up again and all she heard was "ka..thud, ka...thud. ka....thud" as her poor cat twirled around the drum. Of course she quickly stopped the drier and opened the door, and poor kitty came staggering out, fortunately none the worse for wear other than being a bit dizzy and unsteady on her feet for a few minutes.


MJ Wadsworth profile image

MJ Wadsworth 6 years ago from US

LMAO well funny and rated up, nice one :)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

My buds at PETA would like a word with you. When they are finished, stand by for a visit from Maytag.


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

My current vet is not exactly thrilled with me. You would think with seven cats she would be planning more vacations to tropical locations...but except for initial immunizations and emergencies...my cats do not visit her often. I have a closed system here so there should be no cases of distemper, feline leukemia or rabies. Old age happens...and occasionally accidents...but as long as they are eating, drinking, crapping, peeing and not in pain...I figure if I can deal with it, so can they.

My husband is from the old school of veterinary visits and until he consulted with a friend who is a former vet, he wanted to drag all seven of them in yearly for vaccinations and health inspections (where they always try to sell you on things like blood tests, teeth cleaning and stool samples...which with seven cats is quite ridiculous..how the hell am I supposed to be able to tell which cat extruded a specific turd?). The former vet said it really wasn't necessary for cats to be dragged in every year if they are obviously in good health.

HOWEVER...with that being said...I have to say that it depends on the illness and the cat when it comes to expense. As much as I love them, my resources aren't infinite.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Misty, as cats detest being wet, that cat should have been grateful for the premptive drying it got. :)

Att least it was an accident. I've heard stories that were not so benign. And I'm glad you found this little poem of mine to your liking. I really don't write poetry, so I'm glad everyone is being nice outloud. LOL.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

MJ Wadsworth: Thank for that kind click, I appreciate it and I'm glad you got a chuckle from this.

Nicomp, as far as I'm concerned, PETA = People eating tasty animals, so send them on over and we'll have a barbecue.

Spryte, I have a $300 rule. Having grown up on a ranch, animals are great and stuff, but you have to draw the line. No cat is worth $300. But, my wife and daughter's tears are, so, 300 bucks. If it can't be saved for that, well, the cat god wants it soul back apparently.

And your old man is right about the vet visits every year. THey are a rip off. He didn't need a vet buddy to tell him that. People doctors are the same deal. Always trying to upsell you on stuff. I think it's pretty hilarious how everyone hates car mechanics for trying to upsell on stuff, when doctors and vets and every other damn service profession is at least as bad if not ten times worse.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 6 years ago from West Virginia

Absolutely Hilarious! I have cats and I do know what they are like--each with their own personalities and ways of getting back at us humans. LOL LOL LOL


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

"But drying a cat is hilarious stuff

I always laugh when you’re spinning in there

Even on “Delicate” it poofs up your hair."

Drying a cat IS hilarious stuff, and so is this poem. As I read it I was reminded of Twas the Night Before Christmas (which shows you how limited MY poetry background is:-).

Great job. Period. You ARE a poet!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Shades, thanks for the kind words. I still love this entry and have voted it up again!

I thought I would spit all over my laptop when you told me about the games your cats play at night!

We have one cat that walks up and down Bob's body every morning at 6 a.m. If that don't wake him up, the cat sits on his face. It's hilarious...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Lady G., it's the getting back part that rounds out their characters, ain't it? :)

Saleheen, thanks, someone needed to flag this absurdity; it had to be done.

MM, I know, right? lol. Dumb cats. They hate water, so, drying is the right thing to do. That's my story and I'm sticking too it.

Austinstar: U can do that? I had no idea. If I'd known that I'd go vote myself up a million times and become the universal champion of all rankings! (Which isn't really true, I'm terrible about remembering to do that at all. I just don't think of it. If it paid or something, it would condition itself into my brain. HP is the king of behavioral psychologies that don't cost them anything. lol


Whikat 6 years ago

OMG Shadesbreath, What have you done? Something inside of me says run kitty, run! Thumbs up on the funny poem. :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

What have I done, is what Whikat asked

Providing an answer is how I was tasked

But having not one that would Whikat suffice

I lied to that cat-face and said, pointing, "Look, mice."


izettl profile image

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

Hilarious- good stuff. I like kittens but then they grow up into cats and I don't like cats much so please feel free to humiliate and tease them. If we don't keep them in their place, they will ultimately rule the world. I found your cat, it was plotting world domination.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

You said it, Izettl. They need to genetically engineer a kitten that [edit] in writing this reply, I just got an idea for another hub, LOL, so you don't get the reply you inspired, and instead get this boring edit that explains how you don't get to see what you could have seen but now aren't. I hope you at least derive some pleasure in knowing that you don't know something you could have but that what you don't know might end up very funny some day. So, thanks for reading, and thanks for the idea.

Oh, and tell my cat I'm fine with it dominating the world, just ask it to start with the Eastern hemisphere as I am currently using this one here in the West.


KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 6 years ago from Sunny Florida

Funny poem - I like your sense of humor. How like a cat and it's owner.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, KoffeeKlatch Gals. I know it's kind of fun to pretend like my cats don't amuse me. lol. They know I'm only kidding. Although the dark one looks at me funny at night before I go to sleep now, like, maybe I might not wake up.


ZulmaDear profile image

ZulmaDear 6 years ago from TheCrosses, LasCruces

aw..

i don't know whether or not this makes me sad or happy.. :)its a mix of different emotions; a stew of all things great. Poor little Kitty =^.^=

-ZulmaDear :)


ahostagesituation profile image

ahostagesituation 6 years ago

Lol! What a wonderful thing! I've said that if I believed in hell it would be a place full of all this useful fire and kitties won't burn. But if they're going to be used to defend you against pit bulls...all the better. Love it. I'm just too sick to be permitted to read this...just gets my imagination going.


JayDeck profile image

JayDeck 6 years ago from New Jersey

Very funny! Sadistic, slightly sociopathic, but very funny!

-J


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

ZulmaDear, just remember, anything about this poem that makes you sad is not my fault. Stan Fletcher started the contest and set out the topics; I am an innocent victim whose muse was conscripted by Stan's twisted mind. The parts you like, of course, are all me and Stan has nothing to do with it regardless of his dreamy looks or good ideas.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Ahostagesituation, hi. First, great name! And, you should know, not only are cats a great way to distract attacking Pitt Bulls, they are excellent behavioral modification tools for teenagers. I frequently throw a cat at any of my teenagers when they get mouthy, refuse to do the dishes or their homework, or if they give their mother a hard time about anything. I tell you, a face full of claws and teeth and hissing, blender-like fury makes them right obedient.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, JayDeck. Shortly after I met my wife, a mutual friend of ours forwarded me an email she'd sent him about this "new guy she met [me]" and you have written almost verbatim what she said in that email.


Mumzdword 6 years ago

So this is what happened to our cat Vern!


Beth100 profile image

Beth100 6 years ago from Canada

LOL A verse I cannot write at the moment...I'm laughing too hard and can barely type!!! It's all YOUR fault!!! Leave it to you Shades -- you win in my books! I'll send you $6CDN if you write another.... :D


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 6 years ago from South Africa

Hi Shades reprise of Tom & Jerry (no Mice though). Hilarious Cartoons to poetry. I literally split my sides (ok just my pants then)laughing. I didn't know you did credible poetry!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

LOL, yes, Mumz, poor Vern. Hey, can you do something about that smell when you get home. He's been out there a while, might need a shovel or something to scrape him up. :D

Beth100: Wow, to think, I could, possibly, have a Dairy Queen Blizzard, fries and $6 CDN, what's that translate to, like $1.70 or something? I could get a cheesburger with that and make a FULL MEAL from my poetry.

Sixtyorso: SO good to see you again. I hope everything is fantastic in your world. Yours is one of the faces and writerly voices that I attach the warmest fondness in relation to my experience here at HP. I'm glad you got some ripped britches out of this, although you are being beyond generous when you say my poetry is credible. :) Cheers, to you!


Beth100 profile image

Beth100 6 years ago from Canada

Ha ha we're at par at the second! Who says an artist has to starve?!? I'll through in a McD's gift certificate.... write MORE!!! :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Heh heh, I will. Actually, I'm trying my hand at a HOrRoR piece for Silvergene's contest that Saddlerider told me about,and should be put that up shortly... my first piece of non-comedy fiction on here. Anyway, the contest (or challenge maybe is more correct) is cool. SaddleRider wrote an Aliens one (http://hubpages.com/hub/Madness-of-the-Night) and it was very cool, so I read some more, I think it was Nell Rose who wrote a really awesome one about 4 Horsemen that kicked ass too, so I'm in on the inspiration of those two for sure. (Hopefully people will read an actual story on here.)


Beth100 profile image

Beth100 6 years ago from Canada

That's a scary thought (an actual story that is)! Nell Rose and SaddleRider are great writers...love reading them both! Who knows, keep this up and I might join in. Been a while since I wrote poetry.... I'll be back to have my hackles raised by you!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Ok, well, its up, so, hopefully it doesn't suck. I've never written horror before. lol.


agaglia profile image

agaglia 6 years ago

Shadesbreath, funny, funny, funny! and I AM allergic to cats.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

Um...the cat is dead. lol.


MPG Narratives profile image

MPG Narratives 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

I have a dog and she's coming to get all you people who have killed kittens (well LT and Shades anyway). Having read both poems tonight I'm left wondering, who won the $3 and the food? Poor kitty kitty.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Agaglia, so you must be the guest in the poem who sits scratching her nose. I was wondering who that was when I wrote it. :D

Christoph, clearly you have a future in detective work. :P (Where's your contribution? You need to write one for Stan's contest or write one for the horror story thing - if you do the horror story, just write it and send the link to SilverGenes when you're done... and send it to me so I can add it to the bottom of the bull one I just put up since there's no RSS or whatever for it).

MPG, I will just throw my other cat at your dog and climb a tree, so... :P As for the amazing prize, I think Stan's holding out till sometime in November to make the announcement. I think he has to save up.


Wrath Warbone profile image

Wrath Warbone 6 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

Hilarious! And what a lot of comments. Are you sure you never did this before? Thanks.


kmarquize profile image

kmarquize 6 years ago from New Orleans, LA

This is hilarious!!!Being a cat lover, I can totally relate to this poem. I have had many of these types of thoughts run through my mind...thankfully for the cat, those thoughts never came to fruition!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Wrath Warbone: THanks for your comment too. I'm glad you got a laugh out of my cat abusing verse. :) And, honestly, I have written a reasonable amount of poetry, but I have always considered it far too awful for public view. I don't usually try to write funny ones though, perhaps that's the difference.

Kmarquize: Yes, there are few cat lovers who don't know exactly what every one of those couplets is about based on personal experience. And, fortunately, we never do them. Although, my cats put their own heads in bags and cups and stuff, and I don't feel bad for one second laughing my ass off at them backing around the house.


Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

When couplets are what one wants you seem to have that skill down. The transparency of the rhyme and subject matter made it easy to relate to. This was definitely literature at its most fundamental.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 6 years ago from Minnesota

Poor kitty kitty kitty kitty...

Funny stuff, glad its not true. PHEEW!


sammyfiction profile image

sammyfiction 6 years ago from Australia

This is a hilarious poem! :D

Im glad someone is writing about kitten abuse.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Jaggedfrost, that's a high compliment. Thank you very much.

Minnetonka Twin; Yes, in fiction, we writers get to romp where in life we wouldn't go. Touch the things we could do, but don't. Which is what makes humans better than simple beasts. MOst of us anyway.

Sammyfiction: THanks. Someone had to do it :D (Although, Stan's contest got a lot of kitten violence. I'm not sure what that says about the future of cats in the world lol. THey need to work on their PR.)


wilderness profile image

wilderness 6 years ago from Boise, Idaho

Thanks, Shades, for a good belly laugh. Although I think that if I ever visit I may leave my own kitty at home - I'm not sure he would appreciate the company....


stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 6 years ago from Bend, Oregon

I think my cat just coughed up a hairball after pretending not to read your poem over my shoulder...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Wilderness, thanks for reading this. :) And don't worry, your cat would have fun hanging out with my cats. They could get together in a big knot and just squeeze out as much fur as they could possibly shed on my stuff, the three of them, just carpeting everything I own. I'm sure they would have fun.

Stephhicks, that's what your cat gets for being nosy. :)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

As one of the three judges of this here competition may I just say that I consider this Hub to be a likely candidate for first prize? A candidate, mind you, not a cert.

May I also casually mention that we have formed a new charity, coincidentally called “The Three Judges Charity” and any contribution you may care to make to it shall be given the consideration it deserves?

Furthermore, I wish to give the lie to inaccurately spurious and dastardly rumours spread by a person who shall remain nameless (let’s call him Stan for argument’s sake) that we shall be happy with bribes of only chocolates and flowers? Naturally we live for literature and are doing this for the good of humanity, but any poor chump who thinks that he or she will have a chance in hell of winning this competition with a bunch of flowers, has another thing coming. ;-)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Yes, De Greek, I understand. What kind of judge would take bribes flowers or chocolates seriously. No person of any quality level of corruption would see such paltry gifts as having the slightest influence. I, for one, could not respect a judge so easily moved, and I believe the only way to buy a judge is with cold, hard cash. I suppose gifts of luxurious travel are not to be completely ruled out, but, for myself when I have been a corruptible judge in other things, I have always demanded cash as there is no reason why I couldn't then spend it on travel if I chose. Not taht I would stoop to such things in this contest of course, because that would be wrong.

On a completely unrelated topic, did you happen to get that designer briefcase I sent you yet, the one that is, of course, totally empty and has nothing inside of it at all, especially not $30,000 and that pair of my wife's shoes that you asked for.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

HaaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... Great stuff, loved it :-)))


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

The thought of a large bribe given to the judges is pretty hysterical in itself, since the grand prize is ten bucks. I guess notoriety is worth a lot to some people. I don't know any of those people, though, and I'm certainly not one myself.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

It's the thrill of a genuine victory that makes a fat bribe worth sending, Stan. If I don't pay off the judges, how can assure myself of the token by which I affirm my own sense of uberness?


hubpageswriter 6 years ago

I quote: "no cats were injured in the making of this horrendous trainwreck of verse." - That's a classic line. Great poem here, some of the lines are really cool.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Hubpageswriter. There's a few in there I am pretty pleased with. Some others need work, but, meh, all in good fun.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Brilliant. I love the metre... it just flows, and your use of the English language is superb. A punch line on nearly every second line. Loved it.


Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Your article was absolutely fabulous


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Yes, cat poetry is fun! Thanks, Mrs. J.B. :)


Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

I hope on Sunday you will stop by to read my weekly SUNDAY HUB AWARDS..It is a HUB I designed to show appreciation to all the amazing writers.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 5 years ago from Canada

Congratulations Shadesbreath! Looks like your Kitty poem has stayed on the charts for almost a year. I love cats and was a little horrified when I first read this, but it is sooo cleverly done and yes, funny. Must dash, wouldn't want my cats to see me here...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Hah, clawed its way up to a chart somewhere, did this kitty, eh? :)

Thanks for popping in, and I won't say nuthin' to your cat. Secret safe.


NiaG profile image

NiaG 4 years ago from Louisville, KY

Hilarious! This is hubilicious. I love it!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Hah, thanks, NiaG. I'm very happy to know I have a hubilicious hub. :D Thanks.


Scarface1300 profile image

Scarface1300 4 years ago

I read your words above "As you can see, I am not a poet." and I must totally disagree with you on this oppinion. Indeed I think you underestimate yourself most intently. This was a most funny and brilliant piece of satrical poetry that I have read in eons and more of the same would indeed be well received. Thank you for this piece it was a pleasure to read and definately made me smile.....Voted UP and Awesome................... ps... Stan's the Man


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Why thank you, Scarface. You are a gentleman and a scholar, as they say. :) And I agree, Stan rules.


PADDYBOY60 profile image

PADDYBOY60 4 years ago from Centreville Michigan

This poem is hilarious! I can see that cat going through all that.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Heh heh, it's not cruelty to animals if you only do it in your mind. :D


Ask Ashley profile image

Ask Ashley 4 years ago from California

LOL!!!!!!!!! This is so wrong, but I laughed all the way through reading it. Please entertain us with another--perhaps on dogs. :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Heh. I don't have a dog cruelty dog poem, but I did stick something about dog poop in a poem on this hub:

http://hubpages.com/entertainment/5-Tips-for-Dog-O...

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