On Hold in Hell

In The Beginning....

With the advent of instant communication - cell phones, Iphones, phoning from your computer you can call any place in our world and maybe a few that aren't. What would it be like to call Hell? Yes, THAT hell. Here's what I think would happen....

(Writer's note: I'm in trouble - I just realized that this is my 13th hub!)

There was "HOLD"

<ring> <ring> <ring>

“Hello, you have reached Hell. All representatives are currently busy and your call will be taken in the order it was received. You are caller 1,936,666.”

<Listens to elevator version of “Highway to Hell” “The Number of the Beast” “Running With the Devil” and other assorted tunes>

13 hours later…….

Then Came Automation

<ring> <ring> <ring>

“Hello, the Hell line is currently closed, however you may use our automated line to answer most commonly asked questions. To hear the menu press *666, To end this call press 666*”

<BEEP-beep-beep-beep>

“Hello, you have reached the Semi-Automated Menu of Hell Answers & Inquiries Network (Samhain). Do you wish to continue? If yes – press *666, If no – press 666*”

<BEEP-beep-beep-beep>

You have indicated that you wish to continue- If yes - press *666 if No – press 666*”

<BEEP-beep-beep-beep>

“Please listen closely to the following menu options as they have recently changed. You must wait until the beep to press your selection. You may dial “0” for an operator at any time should you need further assistance.”

Making Your Choice

To go to Hell – press 666, to go to the Devil-press *666, to send someone else to Hell press 6*66, to find out if Hell has frozen over- press 66*6, to find out if someone has been damned to Hell – press 6*6*6.” <beeeeeeeep>

<beep-BEEP-beep-beep>

“I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<beep-beep-BEEP-beep>

I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<beep-BEEP-beep-BEEP -beep>

I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<BEEP-beep-beep-beep>

I’m sorry, your pin number for this selection is invalid – please try again”

<beep>

“I’m sorry, you have called after normal business hours – no operators are available. Please try again”

<beep-beep-beep>

In the Beginning.......Again?

<ring> <ring> <ring>

“Hello, you have reached Hell. All representatives are currently busy and your call will be taken in the order it was received. You are caller 6,936,666.”

<Elevator music begins playing>

3 days later…

Not Quite the Same....

<ring> <ring> <ring>

“Hello, the Hell line is currently closed, however you may use our automated line to answer most commonly asked questions. To hear the menu press *666, to end this call press 666*”

< beep-beep-beep- BEEP>

"I’m sorry that is an invalid selection - we will now connect you to the Semi-Automated Menu of Hell Answers & Inquiries Network (Samhain)."

<ring> <ring> <ring>

“Hello, you have reached the Semi-Automated Menu of Hell Answers & Inquiries Network (Samhain). Do you wish to continue? If yes – press *666, If no – press 666*”

< beep-beep-beep-BEEP>

“I’m sorry I did not get that – please enter your selection again”

< beep-beep-beep-BEEP> !

"You have indicated that you wish to continue- If yes - press *666 if No – press 666*”

< beep-beep-beep-BEEP> !!!!!!!!!

Better Choices ....Right?

“Please listen closely to the following menu options as they have recently changed. You must wait until the beep to press your selection. You may dial “0” for an operator at any time should you need further assistance.”

To burn in Hell – press 666, to rot in hell-press *666, to be in living hell – press 6*66, to go to Hell in a handbasket - press 66*6, to be damned to Hell – press 6*6*6.” <beeeeeeeep>

<beep>

"I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<beep-beep-BEEP-beep>

"I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<BEEP - beep-beep -beep>

"I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<beep-BEEP-beep-BEEP -beep>

"I’m sorry you do not have authorization for that selection – Please try again”

<beep-beep-beep>

"I’m sorry that is an invalid selection – Please try again”

<beep-BEEP-beep -beep>

Please Answer the Questions....

"Thank you for your selection! In order to find the correct living Hell for you, please answer the following questions. Please press 6 for yes and 666 for no."

Are you currently dead?"

<beep-beep-beep>

Were you killed committing a crime?"

<beep-beep-beep>!

Did the crime include harming another person?"

<beep-beep-beep>!!!!!!!!

Have you at any time thought of killing another person?"

<beep>

1,313 questions later …..

"Now, using the numbers on your keypad – please rate your computer skills with 1 being the lowest and 9 being the highest."

<beep>

Living Hell

Thank you! We will now connect you to your personal Hell. We hope you have enjoyed the Semi-Automated Menu of Hell Answers & Inquiries Network (Samhain). Our customers are our greatest asset and we look forward to hearing from you again.

<ring> <ring> <ring>

Hello…You have reached the Microsoft Help Line…. How may we direct your call?

More by this Author


Comments 16 comments

Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

No control whatsoever- The devil made me do it!!!!


ronibgood profile image

ronibgood 7 years ago

Very good. I love your writings. Thank you for your comments to mine. Please check out more if you have time.


Cuz Tom 7 years ago

Please hold while I connect you to my comment....


ralwus 7 years ago

OMG! I love this. It's just like that when I try to call my pastor. LOL Hell also IRS


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

I thought about using AOL better known to most as AOHELL - but wasn't sure if everyone not in the States would understand the reference. Microsoft however, needs no explanation!!!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

Thoroughly enjoyable and I have bookmarked it.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

LOL....very relative to all! Thanks,,,cool hub! :)


someonewhoknows profile image

someonewhoknows 7 years ago from south and west of canada,north of ohio

I'm sorry all lines are currently busy,hang up and please try again later.


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Thanks everyone - I had a lot of fun putting it together- pass it along to all your friends - everyone can relate!!!!!


The Old Firm profile image

The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

AOL is well known to us here on the edge of the pit. They seem to want me to join, although this is probably not possible, (and certainly not desired) Perhaps they still use George W's doubtful grasp of geography.

Your description best fits Telstra in this neck of the woods, although a number of government departments must run a close second. (Telstra once contacted are reasonably helpful, but they're certainly not a good advertisement for themselves!)

BTW, I find using non key words for voice recognition prompts usually get you a human, even if a retarded one. I use "bicycle-clips" and "wheelbarrow" e.g: "You have reached Eternity. I understand some words. Do you want - etc.?" bicycle-clips! "I'm sorry, I do not recognise that word, do you want - etc.?" Wheelbarrow! "- - - ? I will transfer you to an operator!"

Cheers, TOF


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Thought about voice recognition - but decided that Hell wouldn't make it that easy on us- having to remember which sequence of 666 and * is bad enough!!!

However, you have a point - maybe when the devil upgrades to WIndows Vista?


The Old Firm profile image

The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

I think that the Bugger invented it. (Vista)


GeneriqueMedia profile image

GeneriqueMedia 7 years ago from Earth

Love the vids and the message! Just a fun read in general, will have to re-visit when I'm more conscious! ;)

"With the advent of instant communication - cell phones, Iphones, phoning from your computer."

That is an incomplete thought there, though..maybe another crack at the first sentence when ya can?


Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

Nanny J.O.A.T. 7 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow Author

Ach!!!! GM you are absolutely right- I was so tired after checking all the blasted s I forgot to check the rest of the story. Thank you for pointing this out and I have fixed the offending thought! Thanks again! Please feel free to check out my others for mistakes as well!!


fortunerep profile image

fortunerep 7 years ago from North Carolina

been thru this game too, don't ya hate it when you can't speak to a human

dori


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

That was soooooooooo funny. I loved it. Thumbs up. Still laughing.

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