Open Letter to my Future Husband
Dear Future Husband
Before I proceed I must give you fair warning that you will not be my first husband. Or second. But will be my third. Possibly the third time's a charm? Or possibly not.
I must also give you fair warning that both of my prior husbands are deceased. Before you jump to conclusions - I did not kill either of them, though at times they did piss me off to the point that I considered killing them, yet I opted out due to the fact that I am not in favor of confinement. Prison just ain't my thing. I will add that if those two fine fellows were alive today they would thoroughly enjoy reading my open letter to husband number three.
One more warning, hey - honesty is the best policy! So here we go...I am a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated woman who does not like to lose and prefers to have the final word. If you are a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated man who doesn't like to lose and prefers to have the final word we may bicker often. But that could work in our favor cause y'all know make up sex could be amazing! Or maybe not.
Don't Run Off Yet! The Best Is Yet To Come
Hello...are you still there? If so, kudos to you! I salute you. I believe that due to my hyperactive nature not many men exist that could keep up with me. Sure, they might say, "Ha! Are you kidding, she ain't my first rodeo, I could lasso this lady and tame her down." Think again cowboy, ain't nobody tamed me down yet. Unless you got some super secret that others lack. If so, bring it on!
I am of short stature. Some people have to keep growing until they are perfect, not me. At 5'1, that was more than enough. I am 53 years old. How I made it to 53, I have no earthly idea, but I am still here, so YAY for you.
I require a potential suitor that would range in age from 50 - 64 years old. Not 65, since we would have to marry prior to your 65th birthday so that in case you drop dead and your social security income is higher than my first or second husbands, then I will pick yours. Again, YAY for you. Oh, wait...YAY for me. Maybe.
No need to apply if you are younger or older than that range, I ain't got no time for games...the clock is ticking, not to make a baby, we could agree that shit ain't gonna happen, but practice is an option. The clock is ticking for one foot in the grave, to be blunt...we ain't gettin' no younger and I ain't no spring chicken. We are talking mid-life here! Sure 50 is the new 40. 60 is the new 50. 70 is the new 60. Come on people, who the heck are we fooling? I suppose 100 is the new 90. If so, high fives to y'all, keep on doing what you're doing because obviously you are doing something right. Or wrong. I long ago decided that once my body parts start heading south I am ready to call it a life. Once again, I ain't got no time for that.
Online Dating Ain't My Thing
So, here's the deal. My loving friends suggested it's time for me to find me a man. I often remind them that this woman don't need no man, but there are men who need this woman. Why? Because you best believe that you will thank your lucky stars every damn day if you were able to call dibs on me.
My loving friends suggested I join a dating site. A WHO? A WHAT? Listen up folks, I appreciate the kind gesture, but this woman don't do dating sites. I am not saying that I am too good for a dating site, what I am saying is that I don't want some dude to be shopping for me online. I ain't no damn hunting or fishing gear! In addition dating sites don't issue refunds and chances are you might request one.
Heads up! I have a tendency to talk...a lot. Not idle chit chat, I like conversations with substance. If you are one of those "men of few words" who just prefer to nod your damn head in agreement as I do that chit chatting, well just back that truck up now and keep on moving because once again I ain't got time for that.
I am an extrovert. When I walk into a room, I make noise and before you know it I am gone, but trust me when I walk away I leave behind a whole lotta memories. I am the type of person who is remembered after just one moment of meeting me. Now, I am not loud in the annoying kind of way...oh crap, yes I am. Busted!
I do have introvert tendencies too. Days when I just want to be left the heck alone. And when I have my earbuds on DO NOT BOTHER me. That is ME TIME. Me and my music and no one comes between me and the love of my life - country music. So, if you don't like country, well then you are shit outta luck cause this woman is looking for a cowboy in hat and boots to sweep her away. Horses are optional. If you ain't no cowboy then once again I suggest you mosey on along cause you are not about to prosper, this mid-life filly ain't for you.
Someone Might Be Gettin' Lucky
My longest relationship was with a cowboy. Tim McGraw. Oh hell, don't be telling me the 23 years that I invested as a fan has not been a relationship because I beg to differ and I'll differ again. Remember I get the last word! It's a fact that both of my marriages lasted exactly 12 years each. That was not planned.
My first husband was a searcher, was always searching for something, actually he died due to searching. My second husband died after a lengthy battle with cancer. He fought like hell to live, didn't want to leave me. But in the end my lawnmower outlived both marriages, but not my relationship with Tim McGraw.
On the flip side, both of my husbands were my bosses. Yep, I am the one who slept her way to the top! So, if you are considering a date with this woman, but you are still reluctant I suggest you hire me and see if you could also score.
Y'all Deserve An Award For Making It This Far!
FYI: I am done taking care of people. All my life I took care of others. I tended to neglect myself. Well, this chapter of my life is ALL ABOUT ME. I will not take care of you. You are a grown-ass man and this woman ain't your mama. If you haven't already figured out how to take care of yourself than I suggest you STOP READING NOW and move along. Go on now...
Still here? WOW! You are either a glutton for punishment or possibly my next husband. SLOW DOWN, cowboy! Don't plan the wedding yet. Why? Because I am not a fan of those fancy weddings. Dresses, flowers, photos, CUT THAT OUT! For me to wear a dress one must pay me good money and not expect to get lucky. OK, that's up for debate.
I do NOT cook anymore so if you wanna eat, you best know your way around the kitchen. That implies for cooking and cleaning. I will provide the entertainment. Ain't no better place to dance than barefoot in the kitchen. You cook and I entertain. This is called Teamwork. And if all goes as planned I just might help with the clean up before we team up and dance our way to other rooms in the house.
Do you think you have the potential to be my sugar daddy? If so, submit your open letter to me along with 3 factual references, the cashier at your local market doesn't count, neither does your co-worker, never underestimate my power to find shit out.
I will then take your open letter into consideration. In other words, I will peel your letter apart like an onion and if you meet my approval I will then peel you apart until you beg for mercy.
I don't appreciate my time being wasted. Either you are the real deal or not. If you think you could handle this crazy ass woman then bring it on! I will provide references upon request.
So what are y'all waiting for? Did I mention that I am also a bit intimidating? Go on now...
Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband
I wrote this letter as a challenge. I have successfully completed my challenge and I gave myself a few high fives along the way.
Come on y'all, someone nicknamed Sunshine can't be as difficult as my open letter states. Or could she be? I'll leave that for you to decide.
I am not looking for a third husband, but if you think you got what it takes than I would like to know if this brave man exists. I am mostly interested in his sense of humor and of course his bank account.
Many thanks to Meghan Trainor for inspiring me to write this open letter. Meghan is on tour now and if she comes to your neck of the woods I suggest you check out her Untouchable Tour, she knows how to entertain the crowd.
Now I have a challenge for y'all - help spread the word that Sunshine is seeking a suitor of the above mentioned caliber, I betcha he don't exist. Go on now...
If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It
Did You Ever Use an Online Dating Service?See results without voting
Jennifer Lopez - Ain't Your Mama
© 2016 Linda Bilyeu
More by this Author
Humor should be an essential part of your day. You could find some humor with haiku poems. I hope my hilarious haikus about friends make you appreciate your funny friends...
Search and Rescue is a volunteer organization that goes above and beyond to find and rescue those who are in need. This is a letter to Bob Rodgers of NMSAR...
If you are searching for a gift under $5 you will find an idea or two within my list. I've given many of these gifts and they were always appreciated. Give a gift and get a smile.