Open Letter To My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband

Before I proceed I must give you fair warning that you will not be my first husband. Or second. But will be my third. Possibly the third time's a charm? Or possibly not.

I must also give you fair warning that both of my prior husbands are deceased. Before you jump to conclusions - I did not kill either of them, though at times they did piss me off to the point that I considered killing them, yet I opted out due to the fact that I am not in favor of confinement. Prison just ain't my thing. I will add that if those two fine fellows were alive today they would thoroughly enjoy reading my open letter to husband number three.

One more warning, hey - honesty is the best policy! So here we go...I am a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated woman who does not like to lose and prefers to have the final word. If you are a stubborn, persuasive, opinionated man who doesn't like to lose and prefers to have the final word we may bicker often. But that could work in our favor cause y'all know make up sex could be amazing! Or maybe not.

Don't Run Off Yet! The Best Is Yet To Come

Hello...are you still there? If so, kudos to you! I salute you. I believe that due to my hyperactive nature not many men exist that could keep up with me. Sure, they might say, "Ha! Are you kidding, she ain't my first rodeo, I could lasso this lady and tame her down." Think again cowboy, ain't nobody tamed me down yet. Unless you got some super secret that others lack. If so, bring it on!

I am of short stature. Some people have to keep growing until they are perfect, not me. At 5'1, that was more than enough. I am 53 years old. How I made it to 53, I have no earthly idea, but I am still here, so YAY for you.

I require a potential suitor that would range in age from 50 - 64 years old. Not 65, since we would have to marry prior to your 65th birthday so that in case you drop dead and your social security income is higher than my first or second husbands, then I will pick yours. Again, YAY for you. Oh, wait...YAY for me. Maybe.

No need to apply if you are younger or older than that range, I ain't got no time for games...the clock is ticking, not to make a baby, we could agree that shit ain't gonna happen, but practice is an option. The clock is ticking for one foot in the grave, to be blunt...we ain't gettin' no younger and I ain't no spring chicken. We are talking mid-life here! Sure 50 is the new 40. 60 is the new 50. 70 is the new 60. Come on people, who the heck are we fooling? I suppose 100 is the new 90. If so, high fives to y'all, keep on doing what you're doing because obviously you are doing something right. Or wrong. I long ago decided that once my body parts start heading south I am ready to call it a life. Once again, I ain't got no time for that.

Online Dating Ain't My Thing

So, here's the deal. My loving friends suggested it's time for me to wrangle up a man. I often remind them that this woman don't need no man, but there are men who need this woman. Why? Because you best believe that you will thank your lucky stars every damn day if you were able to call dibs on me.

My loving friends also suggested that I join a dating site. A WHO? A WHAT? Listen up folks, I appreciate the kind gesture, but this woman don't do dating sites. I am not saying that I am too good for a dating site, what I am saying is that I don't want some dude to be shopping for me online. I ain't no damn hunting or fishing gear! In addition dating sites don't issue refunds and chances are you might request one.

Heads up! I have a tendency to talk...a lot. Not idle chit chat, I like conversations with substance. If you are one of those "men of few words" who just prefer to nod your damn head in agreement as I do that chit chatting, well just back that truck up now and keep on moving because once again I ain't got time for that.

I am an extrovert. When I walk into a room, I make noise and before you know it I am gone, but trust me when I walk away I leave behind a whole lotta memories. I am the type of person who is remembered after just one moment of meeting me. Now, I am not loud in the annoying kind of way...oh crap, yes I am. Busted!

I do have introvert tendencies too. Days when I just want to be left the heck alone. And when I have my earbuds on DO NOT BOTHER me. That is ME TIME. Me and my music and no one comes between me and the love of my life - country music. So, if you don't like country, well then you are shit outta luck cause this woman is looking for a cowboy in hat and boots to sweep her away. Horses are optional. If you ain't no cowboy then once again I suggest you mosey on along cause you are not about to prosper, this mid-life filly ain't for you.


Someone Might Be Gettin' Lucky

My longest relationship was with a cowboy. Tim McGraw. Oh hell, don't be telling me the 23 years that I invested as a fan has not been a relationship because I beg to differ and I'll differ again. Remember I get the last word! It's a fact that both of my marriages lasted exactly 12 years each. That was not planned.

My first husband was a searcher, was always searching for something, actually he died due to searching. My second husband died after a lengthy battle with cancer. He fought like hell to live, didn't want to leave me. But in the end my lawnmower outlived both marriages, but not my relationship with Tim McGraw.

On the flip side, both of my husbands were my bosses. Yep, I am the one who slept her way to the top! So, if you are considering a date with this woman, but you are still reluctant I suggest you hire me and see if you could also score.

Would You Write an Open Letter to Your Future Mate?

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Sugar Daddy vs Splenda Daddy

FYI: I am done taking care of people. All my life I took care of others. I tended to neglect myself. Well, this chapter of my life is ALL ABOUT ME. I will not take care of you. You are a grown-ass man and this woman ain't your mama. If you haven't already figured out how to take care of yourself than I suggest you STOP READING NOW and move along. Go on now...

Still here? WOW! You are either a glutton for punishment or possibly my next husband. SLOW DOWN, cowboy! Don't plan the wedding yet. Why? Because I am not a fan of those fancy weddings. Dresses, flowers, photos, CUT THAT OUT! For me to wear a dress one must pay me good money and not expect to get lucky. OK, that's up for debate.

I do NOT cook anymore so if you wanna eat, you best know your way around the kitchen. That implies for cooking and cleaning. I will provide the entertainment. Ain't no better place to dance than barefoot in the kitchen. You cook and I entertain. This is called Teamwork. And if all goes as planned I just might help with the clean up before we team up and dance our way to other rooms in the house.

Do you think you have the potential to be my sugar daddy? Splenda daddy's will be taken into consideration. Just in case you have been living under a rock - a splenda daddy is a man who inspires to be a sugar daddy but doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

Either way if you are interested I suggest you submit an open letter to me along with 3 factual references, the cashier at your local market doesn't count, neither does your co-worker, never underestimate my power to find shit out.

I will then take your open letter into consideration. In other words, I will peel your letter apart like an onion and if you meet my approval I will then peel you apart until you beg for mercy.

I don't appreciate my time being wasted. Either you are the real deal or not. If you think you could handle this crazy ass woman then bring it on! I will provide references upon request.

So what are y'all waiting for? Did I mention that I am also a bit intimidating? Go on now...

Meghan Trainor - Dear Future Husband

Challenge Accepted

I wrote this letter as a challenge. I have successfully completed my challenge and I gave myself a few high fives along the way.

Come on y'all, someone nicknamed Sunshine can't be as difficult as my open letter states. Or could she be? I'll leave that for you to decide.

I am not looking for a third husband, but if you think you got what it takes than I would like to know if this brave man exists. I am mostly interested in his sense of humor and of course his bank account.

Now I have a challenge for y'all - help spread the word that Sunshine is seeking a suitor of the above mentioned caliber, I betcha he don't exist. Go on now...

If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It


Did You Ever Use an Online Dating Service?

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Jennifer Lopez - Ain't Your Mama

© 2016 Linda Bilyeu

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Comments 49 comments

shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 5 months ago from Texas

Thanks so much for this laugh! I needed that! You are hilarious. Who could possibly resist your charm? LOL Y ou know, I posted a meme on my husband's FB timeline just yesterday that said "A happy marriage is easy. The wife gets to do whatever she wants. And the husband gets to do whatever she wants."

mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

hahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha. Shush - just made it over the wire - I'm safe. hahahahahahahaha

Great letter. Soon, you will have that job in Nashville, and men lined up to apply for the position.

All the best.

Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 5 months ago from southern USA

Hahaha, oh my goodness, Linda are a trip no doubt about it!

Talk about an open book! Any suitors can't say they weren't warned.

Shoot, the Internet wasn't even invented yet when I married my high school sweetheart and we're still together, well, he's still alive. : )

If my hubby goes on to Glory before I do, I don't think I would ever remarry ...been there done that!

Good luck on the applicants. LOL. I do hope your get your real cowboy.

This is hilarious.

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 months ago from Jeffersonville PA

Save a horse...ride a _____...

Oh Sunshine, 'I do' believe a real cowboy would be a fool not to apply for your Hubby #3 position.

Love this ALL ABOUT YOU chapter and love you, MM

Jodah profile image

Jodah 5 months ago from Queensland Australia

What a great open letter to any future suitors, Linda. Any men who meet your specifications should be lining up for consideration...I fear all ungenuine ones will quickly fall by the wayside. Even if I was single I wouldn't measure up.. I'm not a cowboy :) I had a good laugh reading this.

ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 5 months ago from New Delhi, India

What a great open letter! This is so hilarious and you seem to be totally in your element.

It is difficult to match your sense of humour, therefore good luck to the applicants!

Thanks for sharing this interesting hub!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Haha! Your responses are about as hilarious as my open letter. Thanks for joining in on the fun. I'll keep y'all posted, but there is an extremely low probability that such a suitor exists. Possibly I should start hiding my crazy and start acting like a lady.

shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 5 months ago from Texas

No, that's only after a breakup. You know. . .to save a little face. Haha.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Yes, Shannon, but Miranda Lambert's songs are very versatile. Ha! Love that lady!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Don't you DARE ever THINK of changing a single thing about you!! Just add a sign to your back that says, "AS IS."

Girlfriend, if it wouldn't be so damned expensive, you could place this letter in the newspaper! It would be worth a million, just to read the replies! I love it. (Leave it to you SFAM).

This is the final and ultimate proof that you & I are kindred spirits...Soul Sisters....Crazy Clones. I could easily use this letter for my own advertisement~~with just a few minor changes!!

This is the best damned letter ever, Linda Sue....Just one more thing~~

Please don't ruin everything and start acting like a lady!!

Hugs, love and laughter....Effer

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Thank you my Effer! I'd like to read your letter with the few minor changes! Go on now...

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Most of the changes are pretty obvious......I'm quite a bit OLDER.....and we had different husbands~~~~~~~~AT LEAST I'M PRETTY SURE WE DID!!! LOL......Can you even imagine some poor dude having to survive both of us??? OMG. LOL!!!!

Stephanie Henkel profile image

Stephanie Henkel 5 months ago from USA

Yeah, Sunshine! You surely have a way with words that lets your fun, independent (and crazy!) personality shine through in the most entertaining way! I'd sure like to meet the cowboy who made it through the letter and applied for the position of your future husband. Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise boring rainy day. Stephanie

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Ohhhh, Effer, those changes. Not a chance in hell that dude could survive us both...actually our husbands didn't survive. Funny, not funny. OK, funny.

Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 5 months ago from United States

Absolutely loved your guts and why not!

Life has to continue so as I wish you luck...I doing my part of sharing this letter across!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 months ago from Jamaica

"I will then peel you apart until you beg for mercy." Have mercy upon the poor fellow Sunshine! Wow, I couldn't take my eyes away until I read every word. LOL, whoever wants to marry you must come strong and good.

suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 5 months ago from Taos, NM

What a hoot you are Linda! But, no kidding, this is great. I, too, am making the last chapter of my life great! I am done taking care of others, too. Life is too short not to have some time all to myself and do what I want to do. That is what retirement is all about. If I want to stay in my pj's all day, that's what I will do. If I want to go on an adventure, I'll do that too. People ask me what do I do with all my time now. Well, anything I want to do. From absolutely nothing, to writing, to seeing the world, to having fun anyway I see fit. Men can come and go, but I am happy within myself and that's what it is all about.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

ROFLMAO.......Yes, funny. Laughter is for Health 101! I've done enough crying for 10 people in my day.

I'm always looking to save myself time & effort. I've got this figured out. You lasso in your cowboy....and then find out if he has an older brother, or buddy......for ME! 2 things necessary.....superb sense of humor and a huge......thick.....beautiful..........WALLET!!!! LOL! Did I scare you??

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

YAY, Steph! I am glad I was able to send you some sunshine via my open letter. It's about 120* in Orlando today, I could send you some of that sunshine too!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Thank you for covering the west coast with your challenge Ruchira! Cause truth be told, the cowboy I'm referring to is not on the east coast. Ha!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

I wish him luck, Cardisa. I wish him luck.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Suzette, And one day we will meet up in Taos or Santa Fe and do absolutely nothing together. Or better yet, maybe we could search for treasure, that's if no one found the chest yet. Haha!!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

LOL! Effer! Kinda. Sorta. But size doesn't really matter. Hahaha!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Let me reconfirm that I'm interested only in the wallet....................(clear my throat) However sweet SFAM of mine, "Size doesn't matter" is pure Myth. You know that, I know that and every honest woman knows it.

That is a silly rumor, started by some pathetic little man who foolishly believed his dishonest, manipulating, drama queen girlfriend who convinced him she was leaving him for an entirely different reason......She did not want to crush his ego.

When we grow up and kick ego to the curb.....Then we speak in truths.

I love you. Have I ever lied to you even once??! NO!!!!!!

Be sure to watch the video "Unhung Hero." Great flick!

suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 5 months ago from Taos, NM

Linda, yes, we need to meet up here in NM. The Taos News, the newspaper, which comes out weekly is going to do a four part series, no less, about Forrest Fenn. I feel a letter to the editor coming on. I may be busy as I don't think I can stand by and do "nothing" here.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Unhung Hero, sounds very interesting! And no, you have never lied to me! :)

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Thank you for the heads up, Suzette. It's a darn good thing I am a bit intimidating, we have our work cut out for us.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Ooooooooooooooooooo sounds very interesting...a 4 part series?! Suzette, you're a great investigator! GF.....keep me in the loop.

Thelma Alberts profile image

Thelma Alberts 5 months ago from Germany

hahahahahahaha.....I just can't stop laughing. This is so hilarious that I have to share it with my friends in fb. This is one of the best laugh I ever had this week. Thanks for giving me a laughter yoga.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

I will do, Effer.

Vellur profile image

Vellur 5 months ago from Dubai

Love the way you wrote the letter, you rock!

Deb Bailey 4 months ago

Love it! You go girl. Hope you find your Cowboy.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Awe, Vellur!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Hey Deb! Glad you found my letter. Ha!

vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 4 months ago from Nashville Tn.

Hey Linda...come on out to Nashville and we will go cowboy crazy. I'm ready to do some lookin myself . No dress needed! And the horse is optional. Lol

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Soon, Audrey, soon. I am thinking I might have to go further west to lasso up this cowboy. While in Nashville I did check out the merchandise, but did not find any good sales. :)

suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 months ago from Taos, NM

Go for it, Sunshine!

FlourishAnyway profile image

FlourishAnyway 4 months ago from USA

I hope you get some applications. It seems everyone is online dating these days. Who knows? You could find him that way even if this doesn't work. Even my grandmother's best friend has found dates off online dating websites. Best wishes for happiness and love.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Way to go to your grandmother's best friend, FA! I have a few friends who found a mate via online dating, it's just not for me, I was never into shopping around.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Hey GF.....Never into shopping around either!! In my younger days though, I was into strutting around, dropping candy along the trail behind me...and hiding in the bushes to jump out and tackle a stud muffin or two!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL.....Those days are allllllllllll behind me now! Woe is me.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Effer...Do Skittles work???

Susan and I had a challenge as to which one of us would find our cowboy first while neither of us were in a rush. Sadly, that challenge is over now that Susan has passed away. But I will continue to entertain her as she watches me from above. :)

bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 4 months ago from Central Florida

What a hoot, Linda! Not only is this letter hilarious, but every word you wrote is true. At this stage of the game, who the hell has time to pull punches or play games? I hope you do a follow-up to this and let us know how many cowboys met your challenge.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Hi Sha! I will keep you updated, but chances are this cowboy does not exist or isn't up to the challenge due to lack of stamina. :)

teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 months ago

When I think of a cowboy -- Clint Eastwood comes to mind and I know there are none out there to fit that image. I wish my hubby would wear a cowboy hat -- they look good on just about any man. Loved your humor on this post!

annart profile image

annart 4 months ago from SW England

What an entertaining letter! Any decent man would be a fool not to apply, Linda! Still catching up with you all, but getting there.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 3 months ago from Long Island, NY

This was hilarious! At first I didn't know what you were up to, but I could see tight through it after a while. Reading between the lines, you sure created an open book about yourself, especially about your humor.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 3 months ago from Orlando, FL Author

Hi Glenn, An open book about myself could be a bit scary! Ha!

Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 8 weeks ago from Minnesota

This hub is so incredibly refreshing Linda. Better watch out, your probably gonna be overwhelmed with suitor's. Be picky, your a gem!

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 8 weeks ago from Orlando, FL Author

Thank you, MT!

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