Obama as Othello ; A Shakespeare Parody. Act 2, Scenes 2 and 3 - The Home Improvement TV Show.
To take your seat at the opening curtain of our little play, just click here
Obama as Othello ; A Shakespeare Parody. Act 2 : Scene 2.
The Home Improvement TV Show.
In a studio set somewhere in the town Burbank, California, home of Disney-ABC Domestic Television Productions
Tim Allen: Hello and welcome to the long-awaited return of 'Home Improvement' for this unique one-off special just for you folks back home. I betcha all missed us. So we thought we'd do this 'Pre-Election Special' before you all go out and vote tomorrow. Good to be back, even just for one night.
And tonight we're gonna do some DIY, talk some tools and trade and throw some politics into the cement-mixer. And as an added bonus here with me tonight is my special guest, Joe the Plumber.
Joe: Hello Tim and hello to all you folks at home, especially all you good
Republicans out there and all you guys and gals in the 'American Society of Plumbing Engineers',
Tim: That's right! Keep those boilers a-pumping and pipes-a-flowin out there. And tonight we're gonna talk ballcocks, ain't that right Joe?
Joe: Absolute ballcocks Tim,
Tim: You said it. And you've got a demonstration model here with you Joe as I hear you've a little ballcock parable to tell us on this pre-election night,
Joe: You got it Tim. You see, in many, many ways a ballcock reminds me of how we balance and regulate our economy and so keep the country stable in a financial sense
Tim: This I gotta hear,
Joe: It's really kinda simple when you think about cos if you imagine that the
cistern is our proud nation of the US of A
Tim: You're comparing the country to a toilet?
Joe: Of course not Tim, that's as far apart as Hell's from Heaven. And would be real dumb cos that's Democrat talk. No! A well run cistern is a clever piece of equipment, a mark of all that is good in American ingenuity and application. So imagine the cistern is the USA and the water inside is the supply of money in the economy,
Tim: I'm in there,
Joe: Right! Now imagine that the ballcock is an economic stabiliser regulating
the supply of money as it flows in and out of the economy. When you empty out the water, in other words throw away good money, and the ballcock ain't working right then you end up with an empty cistern. A cash shortage,
Tim: That's been flushed down the john?
Joe: Literally money chasing after shit,
Tim: Don't worry Joe, we'll edit that bit out,
Joe: Sorry! Cash dollars going after the doo-doo,
Tim: Loss of liquidity even,
Joe: Good one Tim. That's right! In economic terms a loss of liquid assets.
But of course if it goes the other way, when that cistern fills up and money is pouring into the economy you're gonna need a good working ballcock to slow it down and stop it overflowing.
That's the essence of the Quantitative Easing process
Tim: Brilliant! So over at the Fed, Ben Bernanke is a ballcock,
Joe: I'm sure he's been called worse,
Tim: And if the ballcock doesn't do it's job,
Joe: Well, as my working model here shows you, if we fill up the cistern with
water like this you see the ballcock rising and rising but instead of controlling the water it's the other way round and look what happens....
Tim: Woah!! Steady as she goes!! I jumped out the way just in time there
Joe.......... Have we got a mop and bucket handy here fellas?
Joe: Sorry Tim. It worked fine in rehearsals,
Tim: That's OK Joe, although you sure do look like you peed yourself there
good-time big buddy. So! Where do McCain and Obama fit into all this?
Joe: Well, you know the expression 'finger on the nuclear trigger'
Joe: Kinda the same thing, except I call it the 'hand yankin' on the chain'
Tim: After crappin in the system I guess. Who'd be President?
Joe: Are you gonna edit that bit out too?
Act 2 : Scene 3
At a secret location President Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney meet Senator Obama.
They are joined by Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank and an entourage of shadowy figures from industry in the shape of Defence contractors George Gruessom and Charlie Blapper.
Also present from the world of finance are Hubert Inkwell of Chase Manhattan Bank and Dino Temeriti of Morgan Stanley.
Bush: Welcome Presi ...erm.... Senator Obama,
Obama: A little presumptious but thank you anyway,
Cheney: Don't worry Senator you're gonna win tomorrow, otherwise we wouldn't be having this meeting, McCain's dead in the water. You've built a great image and a massive popular following my friend, one that excels the quirks of blazoning pens no less
Bush: That's right Senator Obama, we reckon you're a sure thing and every minute is expectancy so we need to brief you on some important matters. It's kinda like bringing the Master to the Citadel if you know what I mean,
Obama: I know that you mean, but please! Call me Othello,
Bush: Okay-dokay diddley-doo! Othello it is. Now we have intelligence that the Iranians are developing weapons of mass destruction,
Obama: Who told you this?
Bush: The Israelis,
Cheney: And the Pakistanis,
Obama: Oh great! That's impartial sourcing,
Cheney: The CIA back it up,
Obama: Of course they would, keeps them in a job. They couldn't find any WMD in Iraq so what makes them think there's any in Iran?
Cheney: We reckon there were weapons in Iraq but them sneaky Iranians smuggled them out before we got there,
Bush: Yeah! Them no good Persians should stick to carpet making. But maybe them bombs have been shuffled around for years you know like one of those street hustlers. You know those guys that move three cups around with a bean under one? You know the ones? Now you see it, now you don't. Which one is it under? Place your bets! You pays your money, you takes your choice but it ain't gonna be where you think it is that's for sure
Obama: I think you've had a tough second term dude
Bush: Yeah! That's cos you lot have blocked my moves. There's none so foul and foolish than a bunch of interfering Democrats in Congress,
Obama: That's Democracy,
Bush: Don't I know it. That Democracy nonsense just gets in the way of everything,
Obama: Anyway! I share your concerns but I'll deal with Iran my way. Whether we like it or not we still gotta have a dialogue with even our worst enemies,
Cheney: Not all of them surely?
Obama: Well! I'm talking to you two assholes ain't I?
Bernanke: Wow! His bark is stoutly timbered it seems,
Inkwell: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Let's not get partisan and into party politics here. Listen! Iran can wait. We need to talk fiscal now,
Obama: Sure! I hope you are happy with the stimulus package of sixty billion dollars that we are proposing,
Temeriti: Well it's a start, but we were hoping for a little bit more you know,
Obama: How much more? I suppose we could negotiate an extra few Billion,
Temeriti: We were thinking more rounded numbers Senator,
Obama: Like what?
Temeriti: Like an extra zero.
Obama: An extra .... a ... wh-wh-what? You talking six hundred billion dollars?
Inkwell: At a conservative estimate,
Obama: Jeez!! What friggin mess have you dudes made of the whole goddamn system,
Inkwell: Ohh!! Pretty big. But nothing half-a-trillion couldn't fix in a hurry,
Bush: Maybe a trillion even, that's almost triple ain't it?
Cheney: George, let these guys do the Math. That's what they're good at,
Obama: Not this year they ain't, that's for sure!!
Temeriti: Now! Now! Othello, you know if you get into the White House, and we know you will, you gotta remember who put you there in the first place.
Obama: I know! I know! But half-a-trillion? That's gonna be a hard sell to the American public,
Cheney: Believe me, we can sell anything to anybody,
Bush: Hell yeah! They bought me as Commander-in-Chief, hook, line and sinker,
Obama: Don't worry dudes, you'll get your money. But what's in it for me, I ain't doing this for charity you know.
Cheney: Oh, you are well tuned now buddy,
Inkwell: What's in it for you Othello, is a quiet life for the next four years
Obama: You gotta be jivin ma ass dude, we got problems in Afghanistan, Iraq and now Iran, we got a piggy-bank rattlin with a nickel inside and the Chinese about to take over the world. And you expect me to have a quiet four years. Get outa here!
Bernanke: So long as you give the Fed the money you can worry about the rest later,
Cheney: And forget about selling cola and fries to the Orientals,
Gruessom: Yeah! Best thing for us is to sell guns,
Bush: That's right. Everybody needs guns,
Gruessom: Guns, bombs, missiles, you name it we can shipload shitloads of the stuff
Obama: Long live the Military Industrial Complex. Right?
Bush: It ain't so complex you know, not when it's explained to you. Dick!
Explain it to me again,
Cheney: I think Othello's got a good enough handle on it. We have got to boost the War Economy,
Bush: Or, as we say on TV, the Defence Budget, haw-haw-haw!!
Blapper: Absolutely! First thing you do Senator Obama is phone the Saudis, they'll always take a few expensive toys off our hands. A coupla dozen F-15's here, a few Hercules there,
Gruessom: Yeah! But problem is they never use the damn things in anger. Got no repeat business until the planes are ready to fall outa the sky. And that can take years,
Cheney: No! You want them blown out of the sky as a soon as possible, the more the merrier and then it's overtime at Boeing and Lockheed,
Blapper: The Israelis are the same problem. Got nobody to bring down the planes,
Bush: Not unless we sell the Palleys some heat-seekers,
Obama: Excuse me? The Palleys?
Bush: Yeah! The Palestinians. Get with the lingo Othello, you're with the big
Obama: I dunno, from where I'm looking, I ain't too sure,
Cheney: Let's just forget about that particular proposal George,
Bush: Really? I thought that was a neat idea,
Cheney: Not when they start shooting down our planes in the Gulf,
Bush: Wow! That's a helluva long range they missiles have got nowadays,
Obama: No! I think what the Vice-President is trying to say is that they would smuggle them over the borders,
Bush: Gee! Well I guess you just can't trust some folk,
Obama: We can always trust you George,
Bush: I appreciate that,
Obama: Yes! We can always trust you to come up with some crazy, bing-bong, half-assed notion like that. Well I tell you mister, things are gonna change if I get in here,
Inkwell: Oh! We don't like that c-word around here,
Blapper: Hell no!
Cheney: That's for sure Othello. It's more of the same please,
Bush: Absolutely! You better listen to these guys cos you gotta be content to
slubber the gloss of your new fortune buddy. I should know,
Obama: But I got health care reforms and energy policies on the top of my
Cheney: No problem. Clinton and his old lady tried that too. Submit the bills,
they'll get thrown around Congress for a few years and watered down into puddles in the mud. They'll be unrecognisable coming out the other end but don't worry, you'll get credit for trying. We're just not here to chronicle small beer, we've got bigger fish to fry,
Bernanke: And that goes for any other radical ideas you might be harbouring
Senator. Unless we're alongside then nothing gets changed. But nothing!
Obama: So! Knavery's plain face is never seen after all. But I guess all you guys can do that,
Bernanke: Yes we can! Senator, Yes we can!
Act 2 : Scene 4
- Obama as Othello ; A Shakespeare Parody. Act 2 Scene 4 - The Election Night of 2008.
It is November election night after the American people have voted for their new US President. In a television studio, presenter Richard Iago announces the result to his TV audience.
More by this Author
The ridiculously true story of the patron saint of Glasgow. St Mungo's miracles in full. Plus the invasion of the Vikings and lots of Kingly doings afoot in old Scotland.
Spoof report on the standards of interior decoration in police interrogation facilities across the USA
A virtual tour around one of the great Italian Lakes. One of the best you will find online. Detailed, informal and humorous, it summarises the best resorts on Lake Garda from someone who has lived there and enjoyed its...