Our Walk To Remember

Dinner and the right amount of wine, your planning was perfect, at least through dinner. You held my hand with a firm grip as we left the restaurant and walked to the car. Before helping me in the car, you gave my hand a tight squeeze and I thought you a bit nervous. There was a nervous hesitation before you started the car and I shuddered with the cold. You quickly started the car and reached for the cigarettes. Lighting two, you offered me one and asked if I trusted you. Why now would you question my trust? What you didn't know was that I was more trusting of you than anyone. I was losing all doubts and the more time we spent together I was losing the discipline I possessed and once so valued. We were alone many times and you never gave me reason to be anxious with fear, my insistence on control was slowly disappearing. You must have known. Of course, I trusted you. "Why would you ask?"

You didn't want to take me home and we needed to talk. I was becoming anxious about what you needed to say and why that would cause me to misplace the trust I had developed with you. We drove in complete silence and you would glance at me with every opportunity. Your glances seemed sad and troubled. I was home alone for at least the next couple of days. Why couldn't we talk there? The drive to your apartment was painful. I wouldn't let you keep secrets or avoid talking. I always wanted to know what was wrong or what you were thinking. I would always ask questions and then follow your answers with more questions. Now, I was afraid to ask for fear of what you would answer. What had we to talk about that couldn't be done in the restaurant?

I was urgently trying to remember our dinner conversation. Did I ignore some clue you gave? Sometimes, I was oblivious to your needs and feelings and you would always overlook that inconsideration. I didn't think there was nervous conversation during and after dinner. Now, you were cautious and appeared to be concerned about something that you felt needed to be said. Were you afraid of an outburst? I thought about all the times I had put you off. You were, I know, disappointed and sometimes confused with the mixed signals I would send, but your reactions were never angry, like I had experienced with others. I was preparing myself for the moving on speech. You found someone who could respond to you with no fear and you wanted to move on, because I couldn't move forward. It would be too late to try to go back.

But, then there was confusion about who and when. We were always together or so I thought. I should have known it was different tonight. There was only a short kiss, when I met you at the door. Then no kiss before we left the car at the restaurant. You always, had a kiss for me. Then there was just the tight hand squeeze when we left the restaurant. You appeared relaxed and confident when you picked me up at home and all though dinner. Now you appeared distant and solemn. Was I not paying attention to signals you were sending? I was in a panic, again, trying to recall the things we talked about earlier. Did this have something to do with your ex wife or your kids? We pulled up in front of your apartment and again you hesitated after shutting off the engine. Why now were you apprehensive and shyly quiet? You were afraid of something and I was terrified of knowing what it was.

I should have insisted you take me home. You would have to take me home anyway. I would rather you walk away from my door rather than escort me from yours. The ride from the restaurant was painful enough, I wouldn't want to be alone with you after dumping me. You quickly got out of the car and hurried around to my side to open the door. If it wasn't so cold, I would insist on not getting out of the car.

During the walk to the entrance and up the steps you seemed to relax. As you unlocked the door and we entered the dark apartment a very faint smile appeared. It was not a reassuring smile just a very forced nervous smile. All the panic I feared in relationships was exploding inside me. I couldn't return your smile...

The only light came though the open patio blinds from the parking lot lights. I started to turn as I reached for the light switch.You blocked my reach by holding my wrist and turned me around to face you. Still your face offered no clues and in the dim light I couldn't see the tenderness in your eyes I always saw when we were face to face. Slipping your hands inside my open coat, around my waist and up the curve of my back, you gently pulled me against you. I was relieved to feel the strength of your arms, but not completely comforted. Your embrace tightened and I felt the need to hold you tighter than ever before. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want you to let go. As long as we could hold each other it seemed nothing regretful could be said. As if dancing, you slowly walked me backwards into the apartment. Releasing your hold you slipped my coat off my shoulders dropping it into the chair along with your hastily removed coat. We embraced again. No kiss.

You were looking into my eyes. There was a saddness I felt about your gaze. I couldn't understand what your eyes were searching for. Your embrace became tight with tension. It felt as if you were holding me out of fear and dread. I felt a need to offer reassurance, but I didn't know why or for what. Nothing was said and I was afraid to break the silence. Still, I couldn't comprehend how this evening could have become so stressful. I felt the need to break your hold, it was becoming forceful. I had never been fearful of your closeness. I began to release my hold wanting to pull away. I never had the need to push you away. You always knew when to release me, and now I was confused and uncomfortable for the first time. I wanted to step back, away from you.

Then finally, sensing my uneasiness, you spoke my name and in the same instant a kiss. Your kiss was so different from the tenseness of your clutch. I didn't fight your kiss, it was a relief. It was soft and tender and your embrace became less awkward and more relaxed. I had never seen you like this. The unknown and why was unsettling. Now, I really needed you to explain. My fear of what needed to be said no longer petrified me. "I'm sorry," you whispered. You didn't want to hurt or frighten me, you just didn't want to let me go. I didn't know if you meant let me go in that moment or let me go forever.

With your arms still locked around me and with your cheek pressed against mine, you whispered, "allez s'il vous plait au lit avec moi, mon Sheri?" I now understood those moments of awkwardness. You had a plan and were afraid of disappointment. You wanted us to move forward. I had dreams of this moment and now emotions of fear and desire began to build inside me. You would always whisper how much you needed and wanted me after arousal. It was always the ferment of the sexual impluse that would unsettle me. All I could do was pull away and I know at times it would put a nervous tension on our relationship. I was fearful of not being with you and terrified of being with you. But, tonight we were still in control of our emotions. All the fears of yesterdays were vansihing as you held me close. With all my emotions under control, I knew I wanted you. I knew you were disappointed many times. I couldn't deny you any longer. I didn't want to deny myself any longer. I nervously nodded yes.

The gentle tightness of your hold, your adoring look, the light touch of your lips on my neck, and now my desire would not prevent me from stopping you. Releasing your hold and taking my hand you lead the way. Lighting the candle you had placed on the nightstand provided a soft ivory radiance to the room. You pulled the blinds, closing out the outside world. A single yellow rose lay between two wine glasses. Yellow for happiness. A single red rosebud lay across the pillows. Red for love. I was nervous with the light, even as dim as it was, but you wanted to see and feel every inch of me. "There was not going to be anything left to the imagination. Not tonight." These would be the last words spoken. There was only the slow movement of our bodies as you reached for a glass. Holding a wine glass between us, we sipped from the one glass. First me and then you. Then with a gentle force, you turned me and sat me on the bed. Bending down you removed my heels. As you quickly kicked you shoes off, I slid across the bed inviting you next to me. The flame of the candle provided shadows of movement on the wall behind us. Lying next to each other and between long passionate kisses, we began to loosen and escape from our outer clothing. Taking the yellow rosebud and with the stroke of an artist you slowly brushed it down the center of my body. Then with each kiss you plucked a petal from the bud. This made us both smile while we gazed into each others eyes. Those beautiful dark brown eyes reflected your desire and love for me.

We were soon lying on a bed surrounded with soft, sweet smelling rose petals. We were encircled with happiness. I was still trying to set myself free of the fear of intimacy. There was something I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. You wouldn’t let me. With each attempt you would wash my lips with the unfinished wine as you traced the outline of my mouth with your fingers dampened with wine. Using my wine touched lips, you moistened your mouth with the softest of kisses and whispered your love. I knew you felt my nervousness and you would gently hold me tighter. The gentle tightness of your hold made us breathe as one. I gave into your total control and I was enjoying the tenderness of your touch.

We had touched and caressed before but this was euphoric and I didn’t want you to stop. We wouldn’t stop. Not this time. There were no words. There was no rush. There was only time and us. With our lips united in passion, our fingers without awkwardness or rushing were carefully removing the final barriers that kept our flesh from touching. You had total control. Then without a word and a look of tenderness, you knew this was pure. Your eyes told me you knew how to be gentle and the softness of your lips was ever so calming. With certainty and desire, I whispered yes. Wrapped in your arms, we remained together in total quiet. Then with a lingering kiss before I would fall into a calm serene sleep, you promised it would get better. Did I trust you? I loved you completely.

We reveled in the enjoyment of each other. Our passion was and always remained immeasurable. And in our private moments you would always take me back to this enchantment. We were each other’s pleasure, always.

And, as the physical failed us we still had the arousing pleasure of tender touch and gentle lips. I would still feel beautiful and enjoyed.

This would always be the perfect and unspoiled part of lives. I would always relive this romance everytime you would wrap me in your arms and whisper your love.

Then, when you could no longer stand or lead the way, I would walk you to the bed, sit you on the edge, remove your shoes and ease you down. Now, I was the one you had to trust for gentleness. I would wrap my arms around you and whisper my love as I would crawl next to you in bed. I knew you loved me completely and I could see remembrances of our pleasure reflected in those beautiful brown eyes. It terrifies me being without you.

You were my first love and I was your last, that was the beginning of our forever!