Outtakes from the Beaver Valley Post paper (hopefully coming soon to a hub near you)
Hopefully? Well, it depends on my readers.
A while back a friend and I started a little parody hometown newspaper site; I did the "reports" while he acted as editor. It didn't last long as my friend soon had bigger and more lucrative fish to fry. But we did have fun with what we had. And because I did enjoy it so well I am considering resurrecting that site here at Hubpages as a weekly contribution.
The following are portions of that parody newspaper site, written by me under my pen name. Several of the "headlines" are related to other articles and announcements throughout the site. If you enjoy this kind of thing and would like to see the Beaver Valley Post revived let me know. And if you'd like to check out the website online here is the url Just remember this project is left, abandoned and out-of-date, so don't be surprised by the spring time dates. http://142842811944663784.weebly.com/index.html
100 years ago this week in Beaver Valley history..
John W.Yancy III suffocated his first elderly wife. Yancy went on to survive six more, and with the assets inherited by his oblivious wives founded the Beaver Valley Subliminal Church where he worked as minister. A statue of Yancy was erected on the grounds of the Pinewood Retirement Home, where he died of methane poisoning while visiting his fiance.
Local youth establishes community awareness org to educate about texting issues
Bree Thompson, the 17 year old daughter of District Attorney Thompson, says that an alarming number of teens are falling prey to the dangers of texting. Bree's eye-witness testimony to the perils facing young texters every day has prompted her, along with conscious friends, to form the first Beaver Valley organization created to address the address the issue of teen texting in the region.
YATI -short for Youths Against Texting Intolerance, will work to build solidarity among young adults and reach out to teens and young adults who have lived in shame about their texting problems. Thompson also says one of the org's first aims will be to establish a strong public presence through a number of high-profile projects. According to Thompson, ignorance about texting has too often led to misconceptions and discrimination from an older community.
"Until you get behind the wheel of a moving car you just have no idea how many morons there are out there," Thompson told reporters, "animals, grannies, small children, babies in strollers. And they all want the same thing.. to blame text mess'ng for all their problems. I want to bring this backward community out of the dark ages and make them understand that we young people have had enough. This is our world we are about to inherit off the fruits of our parents' labor, so by god the dumbasses of this world need to either watch for what's coming their way or stay the fuck away from our roads and highways. "
Bree, along with YATI's vice-presidents Brenna, Britney and Briana will be holding the organization's first meeting Saturday night 7:00PM at the Jello Shotz Shack.
School board to consider back-to-nature menu proposal
The Beaver Valley school board has announced plans to consider new comprehensive menu changes for city schools.
School board president, Jane Wright, announced today that the board will consider a new menu for the school system as proposed by Mitzi Kellog, a nutrition advocate and host of the local talk radio show, Eating Can Kill You.
Kellog, who has vowed to pull her children out of the public educational system unless drastic menu changes are incorporated into the city school menus, brought up the proposal up at the bi-weekly public meeting of the board.
Kellog told the board that she developed her eating program after becoming alarmed at the dangerous levels of calories, fat, cholesterol, salt, starch and taste found in current school cafeteria fare.
“The cold December day my kindergartener came home and told me she was served a warm cheese sandwich and chicken noodle soup, I knew her health was being jeopardized," Kellog says. "I subsequently spent two weeks devising an alternative to the deplorable school menu, one endorsed by my nutrition expertise and mother’s common sense. I know the implementation of this new menu will not only insure children will be provided only nutritional, low-fat foods, it will inspire children to make healthy lifestyle choices long after they leave the system. Additionally, if the board implements my Back-To-Nature menu they are sure to see that the money once wasted on frivolous things like condiments and cups of syrupy peaches can be spent for things that actually benefit children.”
Kellog’s Back-To-Nature program calls for the old-fashioned cafeteria style lunch to be replaced with “grazing time”. During grazing time children would be let out to the school grounds and allowed to eat the grass like sheep and goats. Kellog noted that if in the event grass was not available due to snow or ice that children could be given icesicles as a low-fat and pro-water alternative. In the course of explaining the program Kellog passed around to the board and attending public photos of her own children enjoying a Back-to-Nature meal at home. While several parents in the room expressed vehement rejection of the plan, some in the audience voiced support after Kellog presented a list of expenses presently incurred by the school system as budgeted for cost of food and the salaries of cafeteria workers.
Cathy Ratcliff, an English teacher at the middle school said, “Teachers have encouraged cost cutting for years from this bull-headed board. By implementing this menu change they would finally have no excuse not to grant us teachers a one hundred percent salary increase, but also have enough in the kitty to put new televisions in every single teacher lounge. So, as an educator and mother with children in private schools, Ms. Kellog can count on me to give the proposal my full endorsement!"
Smoking blamed for death of city's eldest citizen
“Buddy Holmes had survived five wives, numerous wars and even prostate surgery at the age of 97, but he could not survive the dangers of smoking cigarettes.” This is the verdict of coroner Ronald Cogluber in a statement released following the death of celebrated native, Buddy Holmes.
Holmes, born in Beaver Valley in 1899, was walking home yesterday when a teenage driver veered off Edward Kennedy Drive and plowed into Mr. Holmes as he was walking along the sidewalk. Police investigators determined the unidentified teen driver was not only intoxicated, but also texting when the collision happened. Despite this scenario Erin Ayers as spokesperson for the DA's office, says that after evaluating the police reports and eyewitness accounts, he has decided against prosecuting the minor in connection with Holmes’ death.
“Mr. Holmes was walking home from buying cigarettes,” Ayers told reporters. “The contents of the pack of cigarettes he had purchased were strewn –along with his shoes and hat- for two blocks from the scene of the accident. It is clear that Mr. Holmes’ activities brought on his death. If he hadn’t been out getting his nicotine fix he would still be alive today.”
After the conference, relatives and friends of Holmes angrily confronted Ayers, accusing his decision of being politically motivated. But coroner Cogluber supported the DA’s conclusions.
“Smoking is the killer here,” Cogluber commented. “Even if that driver hadn’t come flying through, Mr. Holmes’ health was already compromised by decades of smoking. I’m sure he would not have lived to see his one-hundredth and twelfth birthday anyway.”
Buddy Holmes was born in Beaver Valley December 11, 1899. He served in both the second world war and the Korean conflict. In 1963 Mr. Holmes opened Buddy’s Broasted Chicken, the first fast food restaurant in Beaver Valley. A lifelong avid fisherman, at the age of ninety-five Holmes founded the Fishing For Life, an activity camp for underprivileged children. At the time of his death Buddy Holmes was still employed as a part-time life guard at the city gym and was an active member of the volunteer fire department. He is survived by four children, fourteen grandchildren, countless great-grandchildren and his sixth wife Brenda, whom he married in October. The couple’s child is due in July.
Couple charged in animal abuse case
Authorities have arrested two on charges stemming from a disturbing case of animal abuse reported last week.
Mittens Fluffmuffin Cleopatra and Prince Hugh Jackson Germaine were picked up yesterday morning and charged with aggravated abuse against owner Meg Johnson of 18 Maple Drive. An investigation of the pair's involvement began last Wednesday after Mrs. Johnson was treated for a broken ankle and lacerations at Our Lady of Gaga Hospital. According to her husband, a neighbor and the mailman, Mrs. Johnson had just stepped onto the front porch of the family home moments before the assault.
"She had liver treats for Prince and Mousey Nuggets for Mittens," Chris Johnson reported. "But the two of them just turned their noses up at it . Meg petted them briefly and promised to give them steak scraps that night. She then descended down the porch steps to take the mail from our post man, Jack, when Mittens and Prince ran in front of her. Meg was knocked down the steps onto the walk, and by the ungodly sound that came when she landed I knew at once some bone had snapped. As Jack and I tried to help Meg up Prince pounced on her back and began gnawing at her hair. Meanwhile Mittens jumped on poor Meg's legs and bit her. That's when Mrs. Smith from next door ran over to help. Mrs. Smith had her garden hose out and sprayed them good with it. They ran off, but not before Prince had raised his leg and peed on Meg's face."
Animal Control Authorities picked the suspects up early yesterday morning at Jim Morrison Memorial Park, where they were found sharing the remains of a squirrel. District Attorney Maynard Thompson says the couple will be held without bond until jury selection and probably turned over to a foster family for the course of their trial. Thompson admitted he would like nothing more than to throw the full book of the law at the couple, or at least smack them on the noses with a sturdy rolled-up newspaper.
"This was an especially vicious premeditated crime," Thompson commented. "We have a no-tolerance policy here for animal abusers of legal age. And if it were up to me they'd be charged as adults. But as they're both under a year old I doubt that will go over well with the Animal Control judge. The best I can hope for is to see them behind bars until some poor, unwitting dope is taken in by their cute, cuddly faces and adopts them."
Orville "Mr. Sassy" died yesterday morning after a fatal assault near his home. Mr. Sassy's age was unknown.
Remembered by visitors and neighbors alike as "bright eyed and bushy tailed", Mr. Sassy was a long-time resident of the Jim Morrison Memorial Park. Here, he and his wife Crimson Blossom raised an ever-expanding family, and the couple also served as foster parents to one infant field mouse, a baby sparrow and a blind bat. Locals who knew the family say Mr. Sassy could sometimes be short-tempered with neighboring blackbirds, but that he enjoyed entertaining friends with his daring aeronautical exercises across tree boughs, power lines and the roof of the park pavilion.
Mr. Sassy leaves behind a wife, numerous children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. A burial and memorial service is scheduled Thursday under the big oak in the middle of the park. In lieu of flowers visitors are asked to bring sunflower seeds or orange husks.
Buddy Holmes, 111, of Spartan Circle, died last Wednesday of smoking-related causes following a hit-and-run accident.
Mr. Holmes was born in Beaver Valley December 11, 1899. He served in both the second world war and the Korean conflict. In 1963 Mr. Holmes opened Buddy’s Broasted Chicken, the first fast food restaurant in Beaver Valley. A lifelong avid fisherman, at the ninety-five Holmes founded the Fishing For Life, an activity camp for underprivileged children. At the time of his death Buddy Holmes was still employed as a part-time life guard at the city gym and was an active member of the volunteer fire department. He is survived by four children, fourteen grandchildren, countless great-grandchildren and his sixth wife Brenda, whom he married in October. The couple’s child is due in July.
Funeral services for Mr. Holmes will be held at Arlington National Cemetery on Tuesday, followed by a memorial service for family and friends at the Fishing For Life park and recreational grounds. In lieu of flowers the family is asking loving friends and visitors to boycott the Coroners Office and/or Mayor Thompson's home during the first week of March.
Popular TV family therapist perishes in fire
Firefighters responding to a house fire in Los Angeles, CA have found the remains of Wesley Wooster, popular syndicated TV personality and quasi-psychologist known as Dr. Wes.
Firefighters were summoned this morning to Wooster's home on Arachnid Drive After a neighbor reported seeing flames in a first floor window. On the scene firefighters found smoke pouring through a downstairs room and contained a small fire in the recreational room. It was here that Wooster's body was discovered. Paramedics took the body to St. Dymphna Hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival. Doctors confirmed that Wooster had most likely been dead for fifteen-twenty minutes before firefighters arrived.
According to Fire Chief Chuck Hodges, Wooster was found dressed like a cowboy, tied to a chair with jump ropes and his mouth was stuffed with partially eaten food.
“There were rubber arrows found lying around the chair,” Hodges confirmed, “and what appeared to be wooden sticks with tips covered in the remains of an ignitable material of an unknown source were located near the drapes. When we found the doc we noticed the words Broccoli sux! had been scrawled over his forehead with a purple magic marker. At this time I am not advising an investigation as it appears the incident was purely accidental.”
Born in Cedar Rapids, Iowa in 1965, Wesley Wooster held a number of jobs during his adult life, including mortuary assistant, short order cook, lawn maintenance man and ice cream vendor. This changed in 2007 when Wooster quit his job with an insurance company and started his own talk radio show called the Dr. Wes Show. The program found a following among listeners who identified with Wooster's advise. Advertisers likewise were impressed with Dr. Wes practice of offering promotion in exchange for the home phone numbers of female acquaintances. In 2009 Wooster was offered a syndicated television show sponsored by the makers of Zombie Vitamins for Children. Dr. Wes's popularity soon established a brand new fan base among west coast viewers who embraced his staunch and outspoken opposition toward corporal punishment. Dr. Wes is survived by nine children by his four ex-wives.
Old Miss Player suspended after steroids charge
Wyonna Frednpepper has been suspended from the Old Miss Shuffle Board team after team member Tina Wyly came forward to claim Mrs. Frednpepper has been using steroids to enhance her performance.
According to Mrs. Wyly’s allegations Mrs. Frednpepper was seen leaving Wyly & Sons Pharmacy on Tuesday after picking up a prescription for steroids. Mrs. Wyly has charged the steroid use shows that Mrs. Frednpepper clearly stooped to unethical methods in order to sustain a nine month long status as the team’s Most Valuable Player. Mrs. Frednpepper has denied the charges, claiming her physician prescribed the steroids to treat her arthritis. Coach Martha Osborne says Mrs. Frednpepper will be on suspension until she can provide proof the steroids were for medical relief or when Mrs. Wyly keels over dead, whichever comes first.
Violence erupts at Civility Conference
Violence erupted yesterday during a "Civility" conference, sending three to the hospital.
Things were going well yesterday at the 4th annual Superior Minds for a Civil, Secular Society until a discussion arose in the after-dinner lounge. Dr. Linda Snobwasser had just given her keynote speech and invited her audience to the lounge when physicist Arthur D. Messer and astronomer Joseph A. Hanover fell into a heated exchange regarding the Big Bang theory. According to witnesses Hanover threw the first punch after Messer made a questionable remark.
"Messer said the Big Bang couldn't be possible," Dr. Snobwasser said later, "because the void that was the genesis of the universe possessed no substance for which sound waves could resonate. It is only a notion, of course, but the rest of us just ignored the comment as the ramblings of a man who had already downed four Bahama Mamas. Joseph's reaction, however was a little more emotional. He called Arthur an infidel, to which Arthur retaliated with a quip about Joseph's mother. Arthur then said something concerning the legitimacy of Joesph's birth. Next thing I knew Joesph hit Arthur, and within moments they were brawling on the floor. In their struggle they rolled over together toward the juice bar where George Soros was standing. George was taking a Viagra pill at the time and when they knocked into him the glass in his hand broke. His chin was a bloody mess and the dresses of the two escorts with him were drenched. By the time we had managed to pull Arthur and Joseph apart it was obvious they had bitten off vital parts from each others faces. The whole thing was just horrid."
The men were taken to a local hospital where surgeons were able to reattach Messer's nose and Hanover's ear. Doctors also provided George Soros with a renewed prescription for Viagra.
Outbreaks of Sain Deja flu on the rise
Health organization officials have a dire warning for early 2011: escalating flu outbreaks
The organization of World Health Issues Specialists (WHIS) have warned that the Sain Deja influenza is increasing at a rapid rate. So far this year outbreaks have been reported in Andorra, Antigua, Belgium, Finland, Jamaica, Liechtenstein, Monaco, New Zealand, Palau, San Marino, Sweden, the Netherlands, Wales and parts of Virgina. Dr. Joseph Dredmonger of the WHIS issued a warning today that unless a vaccine is developed the risks are likely to reach pandemic proportions within years.
WHIS cautions that this strain of influenza has the potential for devastating consequences. In an official statement released to the public the organization stresses, “It is strongly urged that anyone experiencing symptoms seek out immediate medical attention.”
Symptoms of Sain Deja include appetite, diminished depression, restfulness, adequate sexual interest and performance, feelings of contentment, cessation of obsessive health concerns, feelings of non-anxiety, capacitating energy, overwhelming sense of vigor, regular bowel movements and the clearing of acne.
At this time there is no vaccine against Sain Deja. But experts report that Gloombury Pharmaceuticals, in conjunction with WHIS, is working diligently to develop the world’s first vaccine.
Reported in this week from the Beaver Valley crime blotter
Ronnie Axelrod, 28 of Oak Street, cited for failure to yield to tire swing.
Lisa Buckles, 50 of Crestfield Place, charged with theft of salt from city salt truck.
Adam Clark, 51 of Nugget Avenue, charged with receiving stolen salt and attempting to sell it to the city.
Joey Lemon, 21 of Brenthill Drive, apprehended and beaten to an inch of his life for all-too-convincing public impersonation of Justin Bieber.
Mittens, 4 months of Maple Drive, charged with aggravated assault and hunting squirrels on public grounds without license.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for loitering.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for littering.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for public urination
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for jay walking.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for entering public morgue after hours.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for rolling gates of cemetery.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for improper removal of disposed body.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for improper use of corpse.
Mike Morton, 34 of Swanay Street, cited for failure to disclose social disease to partner.
Marla Nemeth, 29 of Apple Avenue, charged with destruction of personal property.
Evans Nemeth, 30 of Apple Avenue, cited for public display of unmanly crying.
Sheila "Thunderthighs" Pheney, 64 of Jay Avenue, charged with attempted solicitation of a miner within 100 yards of unsuspecting onlookers coming out of the mine.
Prince, 9 months of Maple Drive, charged with aggravated assault and hunting squirrels on public grounds without license.
George Trent, 18 of Clarks Boys Academy, charged with having relations with ugly prostitute within 100 yards of the miners he works with.
Wendi Lovelace, 24 of Wembledon Place, cited with possession of ultra-fine booty and nice tits. Given immediate spanking and released.
Unidentified teen, of 1010 Windsor Heights Estates, cited for text-messaging while driving.
Father Daniel Xavier, 39 of St. Lucille Church, charged with pinching nipples on statue of the Virgin Mary without a license.
Candice Wang, 45 of Jackie Chan Street, cited for cooking unlicensed dog.
Candice Wang, 45 of Jackie Chan Street, given Citation of Appreciation from BV Police Dept. for Excellence in Catering during the recent Super Bowl.
Eugenia Dawson and Justin Mahoney exchanged vows yesterday at Cedar Banks Casino & Wedding Chapel in Cock Co.
Dawson, 61, is owner of the Dawson & Family Diamond Exchange. Mahoney, 22, is a singer with the hip-hop group, White Fuzz Cum'n. Giving the bride away was Manny Lopez, a worker in the Casino kitchen. On hand as best man was record-spinner Blue Braces. Performing the ceremony was Ernie Dixon, pastor of the Cedar Banks Casino Drive-by Sermons and Maria Lopez of the Discount Laundry Service stood by as witness.
The couple is currently honeymooning at The Hilton in Cock Co. They plan to return to Beaver Valley where they will reside at the Dawson family estate.
Church & Community Events
February 14: The Brotherhood of Knights of Sicily will present their annual recreation of the Valentine Day Massacre at the Childrens Hands-On Museum. Shows at 8:00 AM and encore at 5:00 PM
February 27: The Roman Polanski Day Care Center will be taking registration for the spring quarter, after school hours until midnight.
February 28: The Joe Biden Fan Club will be holding an off-road race at the old ambulance and school bus depository. Begins at 2:00 PM, open to the public BYOB
March 1: The regional legion of the Black Panthers will be taking donations of cracker babies at Daryl’s Gym.
March 5: The Bristol Palin School of Birth Control will be holding auditions for pool boys, 3:00-6:00 PM
March 14: The Tim Geithner University of Economics will be open for spring registration. Applicants must bring a GED or permission note from parents or spouse.
March 15: The Charlie Sheen School of Anger Management will be closing for business.
March 17: The Soccer Moms of Beaver Valley will be holding a raffle to raise donations to buy a replacement of the Twilight series for the Cougars Library. Winner will receive a stuffed cougar, ready for mounting.
March 17: YATI (Youths Against Texting Intolerance) will hold a Four Loko chug-a-thon at Brenna's dad's garage. Donations will go for the vanity plate on Bree's new boat.
March 17: O'Learys will be holding a Leprechaun Toss, 12 Midnite -to- dawn.
March 17: The Emo Society will be holding a Black Beer and poison brunch at Nathan's house, 10:00 AM BYOP
March 20: The Gun Club will be hold a fireworks display at the abandoned ammunition dump on Dick Cheney Road, 8:00PM, weather permitting. BYOB
March 6-26 The Vietnamese Tiger restaurant will be taking donations of puppies at rear parking lot.
March 27: The Gerbil Society will be taking donations of gerbils in the rear.
Upcoming Church events
February 14: Participating Sisters will be handing out saltpeter lollipops to teens and adults at the Church of the Perpetually Frustrated Virgin. All day event.
February: 15: The Brotherhood of Merciful Physicians will be performing free stomach pumping at the Church of the Perpetually Frustrated Virgin. All day event. Attending visitors are asked to enter and exit through back door of church.
February 24: The Ministry of Intellectually Stagnant and Loving It will hold a general book burning at the Fire & Brimstone Youth Center. Begins at 6 PM.
February 27: The Order of Gazooloo-Daemon Priesthood will hold their annual Toss-a-Virgin-over-the-Fire sports event at their Temple complex. The sporting event will be followed by a cannibal banquet and Smores roast. Begins at 4:00 PM
March 2: The Edward Cullen House of Worship will be holding a blood drive. All night event.
March 5: The First Church of Michelle Obama will hold an All-You-Can-Eat Salad Fest at the Anorexia Rehabilitation Center. Proceeds to to pay for a new ice cream bar for the First Lady's mother. Begins at 6 PM.
March 10: The Holiness Pentecostal Church of God’s Frothing Wrath will be holding a chili and cornbread supper in the parking lot. Proceeds will go to funding a pavement. 7-9 PM
March 12: St. Gaga’s Catholic Church will be holding a wieners and sauerkraut supper in the church basement. Proceeds will be used to sponsor a trip for youth and children to Las Vegas. 7:00 PM-9PM
March 13: The Second Baptist Church will be holding a soup bean supper in the dining hall. Proceeds will go toward a pilgrimage to the birth place of Pat Robertson. 7:00-9PM
March 16: The United Atheists Church will be holding a prune cake walk in the nearby park. Proceeds will go toward the purchase of a new church bathroom. 10 AM
March 17: The First Church of Eugenicsology will be holding a spam & eggs supper in the sanctuary. Proceeds will be spent on a pilgrimage to George Bernard Shaw’s grave site. 6:00-8 PM
March 18: The United Religious People Against Flatulence Church will be holding their Save The Nostrils Rally in the Civitan park. Peanut butter pie to be served before and after the event. Begins at 9 AM
Would you like it if I revived the Beaver Valley Post (or something similar) as a Hubpages regular contribution?See results without voting
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