PUNCH DRUNK DUMMY

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(mblitz.com)

By: Wayne Brown

I just read a funny story that made me giggle and inspired me to greater heights in nonsense. When I feel funny I have this overwhelming desire to write in run-on sentences that could go on for hours and hours and hours…well you get the idea! You see, contrary to Stan Fletcher Theory, humor can be elusive for me so I rush to get it out before it decides to up and run away. When it does that, I have to wait for it to come out of hiding and sometimes that takes some coaching on my part.

With my rush to get humor on paper, I start to understand those comedians who use the one-liner delivery for that instant zinger exhilaration. Henny Youngman…. “I went to see the doctor, he told me to drop my pants and bend over.” I replied, “take me out first!” What a great line! Rodney Dangerfield was amazing with those zingers that he could throw around, “Hey baby, ain’t you nice, I’ll bet you were somethin’ back before electricity!” Rodney could just make your sides ache throwing those gut-rippers out two and three at a time while he stood there adjusting the knot on his tie.

And these crazy commercials, “hey you woodchucks, quit chuckin’ my wood!” or “why don’t we take you down to namby-pamby land and buy you some confidence, ya jackwagon!” I wish I’d thought of those first! Can you believe some people have a job just sitting around and thinking up funny stuff to sell things….Wow! We’re talking Rob Petrie here, baby!

I thought of something really funny when I first started writing this piece and then during the set up, I just slam forgot what it was that I thought was so funny. So, if you have not figured it out yet, I am stalling for time here trying to remember what it was that I so wanted to tell you. I may have to go back and read that funny story one more time to kick-start my memory. See, I told you that humor could most certainly slip quickly away and now here I am in the “let’s try to coach it back out” mode and stalling for time.

Oh! And how about some of those dead end questions like, “Hey, are ya still sleepin’ with your sister?” No matter how you answer it, well, it’s just all wrong and you look like a dummy. Oh you wascally wabbit! That’s it! That’s kinda the way I feel right now, like Elmer Fudd looking for Bugs Bunny! “Tarnation!”….sorry just slipped into Yosemite Sam for a sec…I wish I could think of what it was I wanted to tell ya. “Boy, I say Boy, don’t put too much pressure on yerself…it’s a joke son, a joke!” Dang, now I slidin’ into Foghorn Leghorn material!

Did I ever mention to you that at one time I had a photographic type memory. I knew all the jokes, all the poems, all the funny stuff. I could just hear it or look at it one time and it was there baby! Locked into my steel-trap of a mind for instantaneous recall on the spur of any moment that I might be either inspired on prodded into delivering some humorous bit of wisdom. Age is taking its toll as one can conclude of my dilemma here. Now I have a photogenic memory…it looks good on paper!

Well, I still can’t remember what it was that I wanted so badly to share with you. But, it was so funny….outrageously funny! I am about to wet my pants right now just recalling how funny it was and yet I cannot for the life of me remember what it was that I wanted so badly to share with you. Don’t that just bust your zipper!

Stan Fletcher and I are thinking about selling a kit on television that teaches you how to be funny in the privacy of your own home. Actually, we are going to give away the kit, you just pay a simple shipping and handling charge of $25. Of course, with the popularity of the package, we will be forced to limit the orders to one per household. With the kit you will get your own set of big rubber ears, a red spongy bozo nose, and a waxed handlebar moustache along with a CD with a full set of instructions on how to contort your face while delivering some of the really funny material we will include in the pamphlet that accompanies the kit. Of course this offer will not be available in stores.

Have you ever given any thought as to what was really going on when June Cleaver said to her husband, “Ward, I think there’s something wrong with the Beaver”. Granted, the Beaver was a whiner but he didn’t look ill. Now Eddie Haskell did refer to him as a “squirt” all the time so it could have been a self-esteem thing. You know Eddie was always telling Mrs. Cleaver how good she looked in those tight-waist dresses and those hot 4” high heels that she wore while making mash potatoes every night. You think Eddie might have been messin’ with the Beaver?

And what was going on with Captain Kangaroo and that farmer fellow, Mr. Green Jeans. It seemed as if the Captain had swallowed a canary the way he grinned especially with that funky haircut that he was sporting. And every time Green Jeans came around, it seemed like everyone got a little nervous and edgy. I know one thing for sure, Green Jeans was a little different than any of the farmers I know down at the cooperative. Regardless, I think Bunny Rabbit might have know more than he was telling and that is the reason the Captain was always tossing him a carrot.

That makes me think of those folks who were lost at sea on the little “Minnow” tour boat. You know that “Gilligan’s Island” show. For all the things those folks could think of and build, no one ever thought of trying to build a wood raft. They built just about anything but a raft. Then, again, had I been trapped there with Ginger and Mary Ann, I probably would have downplayed the raft idea anyway. Maybe all of them had a special reason for staying there. After all, the Captain did refer to Gilligan as his “little buddy”.

Well, it’s time to move on and give up this stall for time. As funny as that story I wanted to tell you was, I seem to have totally let it slip my mind and likely the only way it will come back to me is to quit trying to remember what I forgot. I am sorry that I took up so much of your time here but it really would have been a good laugh for you if you could have heard that story….Alas, some other day!

© Copyright WBrown2010. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

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Comments 25 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Wayne - I had a hum-dinger of a comment to write for this hub but dang, I have forgotten what it was. It started with this is . . .


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 6 years ago from Philippines

Now I'm punch-drunk . What a tale you weave leading us on, only to find at the end that the laugh was on us. :))


Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

Wayne,

I have a marketing idea for the kit that you and Stan Fletcher are selling. Just include some voice recognition software in it because my typing skills are non-existant and I would pay double the price that you are asking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

Well, (hiccup)I thought this was pretty (hiccup) darn funny anyway. Although, I forgot what you said. (hiccup) You ruined my image of Captain (hiccup) Kangaroo though. Thank God, you left Lucy's Toyshop out of the mix. I wouldn't have been able to bare it. Thanks. (hiccup)


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@SilentReed...sorry..just trying to make a livin'! LOL! WB

@Tom Whitworth...Okay, Tom, I'll work something out we'll charge you double! WB

@lisadpreston...HICCCCCCUP! LOL! WB


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@drb....Sorry..remind me again what we are talkin about! LOL! WB


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

What a fun hub to wake up to sipping my morning Java. I almost forgot what you were trying to say in here so I came back for another read. I know one thing for sure both Henny and Rodney would be proud of you.

I sure hope your memory comes back to you so you can finish off the story you so desperately wanted to share with us all:0) Also the Captain Kang and Green Jeans had something going on kinda like Lone Ranger and Tonto..if you know what I mean? LOL


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@saddlerider1...I agree, Green Jeans was probably slipping the carrots to the Captain and Bunny Rabbit found out! He probably told me but I forgot! LOL! WB


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Like a trainwreck, as soon as I hear the "Jackwagon" commercial I have to stop and watch. I am so glad you included it in your hilarious read. Seinfeld, much ado about nothing, concept was so human it usually brought me to spasms of laughter. How common is the reputation that Elaine acquired in the doctor's offices? I think it happens all the time, but that episode started with me thinking paranoid. But, it turns out she was right in her intuitive assessment. It is humanity at it's best, just like this hub. Brilliant!


Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 6 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

Joy is not in things, it is in us. Thank you, Wayne, for giving my day a great start with giggles and joy. Bust my britches, Honey, you just crack me up! I feel better than butter on toast right now.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@Amy Becherer....Elaine..wow! Could that chick or what? Honestly, I did start writing this piece to share a funny item that I had comment on in someone's hub...then it just fell by the wayside. Actually, it seems like it all worked out based on your great comments! WB


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@phyllis Doyle...Glad I could get your day off to such a great start Phyllis. Happy to do it. Thanks for the good words! WB


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Yep, I believe you. The genuine article, you are. The genius is you made it even more amusing than the idea that sparked it!


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

I forgot what I was going to say. I was told that "old people" experience loss of memory first, but I don't remember the rest of what they told me...


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@dallas93444...I was just getting to the point where I was understanding where you were headed when I forgot what it was you speaking of...one more time? LOL! WB


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

You raise some interesting questions, Wayne. What WAS wrong with the Beav? And really, was there some love triangle going on between the Captain and Mr. Green Jeans and a woman we don't know about?

Too funny - and speaking of funny, I find sometimes you get in a funny vein and if you don't write it right then so to speak, it's not so dang funny anymore - or you do stop and think 'why did I think that was so funny and where in the sam hell was I going with it?' My method is to get the story fixed in my head and then wait for the moment when I feel the funny part of it - and then hopefully between caffeine and sheer determination, get it down on paper so to speak before my brain goes serious on me!

Clever hub as always and have to love the pic!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@akirchner...Yes, Audrey, my "funny" writing comes fast and quite spontaneous...if I don't act on it quickly I just lose the moment and watch fly off somewhere leaving me to wonder what was going to be funny about that anyway! Funny is a lot of work! LOL! Thanks for the good words and the monkey you as well as the Beaver! LOL! WB


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

Wayne, A very amusing hub and it would even be funnier if I didn't relate to your forgetfulness so well.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@Pamela99...Yeah, that part takes the edge off a bit but I suppose it comes with the territory...part of the walk all the way back across the house to remember why you went over there to the other side in the first place! LOL! WB


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

Well Wayne, this was unlike you, kinda useful, so I voted it that way, it also. unlike you, was kinda funny, so I voted it that way, again unlike you it held my attention, so I gave it an awesome, and definitely unlike you, it was beautiful it finally ended so of course, I voted it that way, damn seems to me, despite yourself, you got a high score, go figure..... Peace and Love, 50


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@50 Caliber...maybe I should try to write "out of character" all the time, Dusty. Sounds like it would up my scores. LOL! You explanation made great sense to me and I hope that I can pull that off more often. Glad you liked it! WB


writinginalaska profile image

writinginalaska 6 years ago from southeast Alaska

ain't it a gas getting old Wayne? Sadly I think i am starting to have a few senior moments> Spending a half an hour wondering where in the hell i left my keys or my hat and dog gone it when i find them, mysteriously they are right where i left them!!! the "little buddy" reference cracked my up, lol good point. I remember all the old "shtick" and had some great laughs with this story, very cute. Good job. lvh


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

@writinginalaska...Nice to see you around Leah...been a while! This one was weird in how it all came together but it did in the end. Glad you liked it! WB


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

I was looking for a new phone commercial starring Foghorn Leghorn to share with you, but I can't find it. BUT . . . there is a whole website of Looney Tunes quotes. This is from Foghorn's page:

Lookit here son, I say son, did ya see that hawk after those hens? He scared 'em! That Rhode Island Red turned white. Then blue. Rhode Island. Red, white, and blue. That's a joke, son. A flag waver. You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.

They truly don't make cartoons like that anymore!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas Author

@Truckstop Sally...I was always a big fan of Foghorn and the Little Chickenhawk. I think "The Adventures of Bullwinkle & Rocky" were the last great adult cartoons. I loved Boris and Nastasha, Mr. Know-It-All,...I say, boy, boy I say boy, you can't get enough of that! LOL! WB

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