Pet Velociraptor Care With Valuable FAQs

So....you think you want a pet Velociraptor?

Be sure to read the eight FAQs on how to deal with this pet behavior

Well then I'm sure you've heard how awesome they can be. We're here to say that they have shortcomings, and aren't the best pet for everyone to whom they appeal. Velociraptors are a pack animal and therefore need company at all times; people or other raptors. If you can only have one raptor or you work all day . . .don't buy a Velociraptor.

Velociraptors are capable of deep affection for their family, but they are not very friendly with strangers. So, if you want to have friends or entertain . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

The Velociraptor is not a watch dog or security alarm although people not acquainted with his true nature may be frightened by his Tyrannosaurus Rex like appearance. If you want a raptor that has instincts of a guard-dog . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

A few times a year Velociraptors will shed their skins. If you are content with foot square pieces of flaky leather all over the house and scales in the air you breathe, then fine. However, if you always value neatness .. . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

Velociraptors love ripping up shrubs in the yard and stripping trees of leaves . If your landscaping efforts bring you great pride . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

Of all the Velociraptor's shortcomings, one of most concern to the pet owner is their obsession with jumping and running. That first leap the Velociraptor makes into low hanging power wires could be the last leap he makes, anywhere. For his own special protection a Velociraptor should at all times be kept under control, in a confined area or on a leash. If you are someone who says it is cruel to lock up a Velociraptor, or confine him in his own backyard . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

We believe that a Velociraptor will have a better life in a maximum security cell than gallivanting about the countryside. Agreed a confined Velociraptor could be missing a whole lot in life: the chance to run over or leap onto a car; the thrill of getting bloody, covered with body parts, and infested with parasites from wild animals it preys upon; the chance of other Velociraptors attacking him; the joy of illnesses caused by the bacteria contaminated garbage it eats; the pleasure of nasty kids' tormenting him (ummmm. on second thought - scratch that one); the thrill of becoming game for a redneck neighbor carrying his guns in a rack on his truck; and after all that the comfort of never knowing where he belongs or how to behave. We don't want any Velociraptor to become a TRAMP.

Be glad he's on your side.
Be glad he's on your side.

After reading this far, if you honestly believe you understand everything you've read, and you still want to become a Velociraptor owner, then we take real pleasure in welcoming you to the fold, knowing that we own the most intimidating, the smartest, the most popular and the most nearly perfectly ideal DINOSAUR in the world . . . . . . . the Velociraptor!

Nothing compares to the reception your velociraptor will give you upon returning home at the end of the day!

FAQs excerpted from "Jump for Joy: My new pet Raptor...I said JUMP! Watchout!"

1) Why would my Velociraptor disembowel and eat my other pets?

Since a Velociraptor is not accustomed to harmonious environments, anything inside your abode,inanimate and animate, can be threatening or appetizing to your pet raptor. Always remember Raptors will be Raptors. I don't mean to say you should turn away a wincing eye when he is eviscerating your pet dog,

but you should realize that a reprimand against Rover smoothies are reprimands against Velociraptor nature.

You must instill discipline in your Velociraptor, so distract him until you do. it's good to have a lot of treats ready. To wean your Velociraptor off of other loved ones in your home strays are ideal.

Playing in the garden or yard - bullet proof glass on the home is a good idea as this now "happy chef" (left window) has discovered.

Nothing like having a little fun with the neighbors!
Nothing like having a little fun with the neighbors!

2) My Raptor hunts ... me?

A Raptor’s is the epitome of stealth. You can find him hiding behind a plant, working the bathroom doorknob when you are in the shower, or tripping you down the staircase don't be alarmed. Your Velociraptor is merely exploring his new environment. His new world now includes you and your family , so he may be uncertain whether you are hors d’oeuvres or just friends. Needless to say it is very important you convince him of the former, so you must make his nature work for you and surely not against you.

An excellent bonding opportunity arises when you are being hunted. Play along to get along: Letting him chase you through the house while you place obstacles in his path will help to make his hunting become more leisurely and less primal. However you must not forget to run, always. No matter the obstructions, diversions, or the route, your Velociraptor will catch you.

Raptors love to go joy riding!

But that's not to be confused with Raptor Riding!

3) Can my Raptor be taught not to pounce upon me clawing me to death in the middle of the night (or anytime for that matter)?

The Velociraptor instinctively knows when its prey will be most vulnerable. As with most owners, it’s while you are asleep. At first, 'til your pet gets to know you, he will most likely break skin and/or break a few of your ribs. Realize that once your Raptor has you in its razor-sharp claws (see Filing Claws pg 101) its only intent would be to kill you with his laterally compressed very sharp serrated teeth.

Therefore it is of utmost importance that you fight back. Don’t be afraid to throw him through the window or stab him with the bowie knife you keep by your bed, anything you can do to stun him. The Raptor’s language is VIOLENCE. You must stun your pet. Bleeding, dazed and staggering from a possible concussion, your pet will feel vulnerable. Eventually it will skulk away.

Even toddlers love their pet raptors and like to immitate them as in this video..

4) What can I do to make my Raptor feel like “one of the pack”?

Don’t. The Velociraptor will not want nor need to be part of a family. YOU will have to become one of hispack. Frankly, you need to bond your pet to understand your Velociraptor. One great bonding exercise is while standing in front of your pet, mimic his stance, pull in your elbows, and bend your haunches while blurting out a shrill then follow it with clicks. For commands and Velociraptor vocabulary, see Appendix C.

If you perform this exercise for several hours everyday. within six weeks, you'll find the hunting will become more playful and not as lethal. Don't be surprised when he starts bringing you food, but pretend to eat any offering, no matter how putrid and rotten the puppy corpse may be. If you refuse these rank offerings you will destroy the illusion that you worthy of his pack.

Once you have gained and can successfully maintain his respect, you can begin the dominance training. (below).

Dominance
Dominance
...you have to simulate a T. Rex.
...you have to simulate a T. Rex.
Play rap music in the house with the window open when you want to keep your raptor playing outside!
Play rap music in the house with the window open when you want to keep your raptor playing outside!

5) How can I instill fear in him to establish dominance?

You can only attempt dominance training when your Raptor respects you. All Raptors fear only what can kill them, and so far as he knows that has only been the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Since engineers have not constructed an affordable pet T. Rex yet, you have to simulate a T. Rex. lurking nearby (picture to right). Stomp as hard as you can through the house breaking some glasses. Eventually, these antics will be minimized as a curious Raptor will eventually sleuth them out.

Then you will need a remote source of havoc, noise and vibration. Nothing can compare with this like a 1987 Crown Vic, sonic sub-woofers with a sans muffler, idling in your garage. When your Velociraptor acts poorly, or you are suspicious that he is up to something, start up the Crown Vic and put on a Bakker Tech Roaring Rex™ recording (you can get one from Pet Smart) or just blast West coast rap music.

Besides imitating a T. Rex, playing rap music in your house is a great way to discipline your pet. Time it right and he will begin to associate certain areas of your house with T. Rex territory and should avoid those areas completely.

growing up together ?..... welllll, maybe......  (didn't need those fingertips anyway).
growing up together ?..... welllll, maybe...... (didn't need those fingertips anyway).

These areas will be places you don’t want him to go: like where babies and the children play, backyards, kitchens, and bedrooms.

6) A child is missing from the neighborhood. Was it my pet Velociraptor?

Owners always have to be especially aware of where their Velociraptors are wandering. It is absolutely inadvisable to give them free reign in public and the backyard can be a false security. Raptors will leap over any fence, especially incentivised by little snacks jumping on the trampoline or barking in the neighbor's yard.

Do not forget: Raptors are furtive animals. You should be concerned if your Raptor has escaped the house or yard even for 4.5 seconds. When a neighborhood pet or a child is missing, remain silent but begin checking your Velociraptor's feces.

7) Can I take my pet raptor to work with me?

Never take your Velociraptor to the work place. Above is a recent but not so rare incident captured on camera when a Velociraptor owner (a woman) in another country thought it would be a good idea to take her pet Raptor to work. Fortunately no Velociraptors were harmed in the filming of this incident but I can not say as much about the Raptor's owner or her boyfriend.

Irresponsible owners have in the past done this so often that employers have become stigmatized by the results which has lead to them taking measures like this one to the right:

A muzzle might be a necessary measure

8) What about leash laws?

Leash laws can pose a problem but if your pet Raptor is going to "fit in" with society it must be well socialized. This will require getting your pet out with other Raptors and humans starting at the earliest age possible and as often as possible. First make sure your pet has eaten and evacuated just before going out. This will eliminate the need to carry a trash can with you to pick up after your pet as often required by leash laws.

Of course if you must take your Velociraptor out be sure to keep him/her on a short leash as demonstrated here...

The only way to have a Raptor at work

9) OMG, I found a human remain in my Raptor’s feces!

This is a Velociraptor owner’s biggest nightmare. When, I mean if, you discover human bones in your Raptor’s feces, obviously you have ignored Chapter One, Raptor Owning, and all the rules in it: So, you are a bad Velociraptor owner and now the prime murder suspect. Even though YOU didn't eat poor little Bobby, the law prosecutes all Velociraptor crimes by incarcerating the owner and then pet euthanization.

Attempting to hide your Raptor is futile. Living in a suburb, neighbors have probably heard his tri-chordal shrill calls by now, and all children everywhere are always on the lookout for dinosaurs. Besides, a Velociraptor will eventually find a way out and then blow both yours and its cover.

Carrying the bones around to your neighbors’ homes and asking "could these belong to” them will only make things worse.

You could go to the police or like one bad owner put yourself and your Velociraptor down, but this scenario has no easy or quick solution for you. The Humane Society of Zambia suggests you finally let your Raptor eat you.

A properly socialized Velociraptor loves kids...

...and they love him!
...and they love him!

...parents won't let you have a pet Raptor?

Speaking of kids, hey Kids,

Check this KitRex out -------------->

It is a 3D paper velociraptor that you can build yourself. You build the googlyeyed dinosaur from pieces of high quality Bristol board, specially cut and folded and tabbed together. It stands on its feet and can have googly eyes on it, feathers, or whatever you want. If you want one for yourself, pledge at least $20 over on Kickstarter by April 29.

Wait a minute! How about a Velociraptor 3D puzzle!

Very quick to print. Only like 2 hours to print all the parts. Fun to assemble for anyone Looking for a small project! DOWNLOAD HERE

Source

And kids love My Pet Raptor A great early reading book for 1st graders.

My Pet Raptor is an illustrated story perfect for 1st to 4th graders.

Publication Date: April 28, 2012

A raptor followed me home one day from school. I asked Mom if I could keep it and she said yes! But am I really ready to have a pet?

12 illustrations, great for color devices!

SCIENTISTS HAVE AFFIRMED

Remember...there are

no

bad

Raptors

just

bad

Raptor

owners!

A Typical Raptor Owner: play the video while you take the quiz below! (really, listening to it is a lot easier than watching it but don't miss the end)

News

July is National Velociraptor Awareness Month! The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, the North American Velociraptor Defense Association and the United Velociraptor Widows Fund, are providing free pet velociraptor safety seminars located in local Red Cross centers all over the nation. Contact them for more information. Don't let the Raptors get the best of you.

Sign Up

Sign up for a free weekly newsletter, complete with helpful pet tips and money-saving coupons from our certified velociraptor retail partners!

Source

How well-equiped is your home against velociraptors?

If there is a pet Velociraptor in your neighborhood best take the quiz now to see if you can survive an escaped Velociraptor!

Here are three helpful hints if you want to take further measures against these misunderstood pets:

1) Don't open the door to someone making strange growling noises.

2) Keep lots of Grape juice on hand as it is a suspected Raptor repelant (although it has not been proven as such).

3) Do not invite millionaires who own private islands to your home..

Take the quiz to see what kind of Raptor owner you'll be.

Oh, and there is no end to the tricks they can be taught....if you survive them long enough.

Source

At your wit's end?

Donate your pet velociraptor to the anti-terrorism military Working Raptor's Corps

The Military Working Raptors Corps
The Military Working Raptors Corps

"Dedicated to fighting Terror with Terror"

That's The Military Working Raptors Corps slogan

Uncle Sam is also looking for volunteer corpsmen to train anti-terror velociraptors

(In the spirit of President Obama's fairness and equality agendas corpse men are also welcome)

Well, what are you waiting for?

How much do YOU know about dinosaurs? Test your knowledge in this quiz

So after all that info you're still not sure Dinosaurs are for you?

Don't let the scary images portrayed in the FAQs haunt you.

Instead I beg you to leave with this haunting melody.

The gift addition!

More by this Author


Comments: OK! NO dinosaur jokes here! ...this is serious stuff, to be taken seriously!... like serious stuff! ...is...taken...seriously, I mean. (seriously) 24 comments

justmesuzanne profile image

justmesuzanne 5 years ago from Texas

Nice velociraptor song!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 5 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

LOL - that video of course has nothing to do with me - Hope you caught the last 10 seconds of the video?


justmesuzanne profile image

justmesuzanne 5 years ago from Texas

Actually, I had kind of drifted away by then, but I did hear the growl! :D

Separately, I have a female box turtle like that lovely male in your profile shot. Is that your turtle?


Mandrake_1975 profile image

Mandrake_1975 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

Very funny and clever way to educate others on the velociraptor!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 5 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

An unintended consequence of parody I suppose! Thanks for visiting. And Suzanne! I'd love to see a close up of her - and yes he is mine. As I'm sure you know, but for the benefit of those who don't a vivid solid color shell like that is very rare!


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 5 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

I came for the crow hub and couldn't resist reading this one.

Let me act like a wolf activist for a moment: Velociraptors are peaceful animals that are cute and cuddly and never hurt anyone ever. How could you write such an alarming hub? Shame on you!

Seriously, if you treat your raptor right, you will most likely survive an accidental evisceration and end up with a colostomy bag - which isn't so bad and worth the reward of raptor ownership!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 5 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

lol Sounds like you have those "wolf activist's" number! I wonder if they'd rather be in a room alone with Sarah Palin or a pack of hungry wolves?


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 5 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

If I was a liberal I'd rather be with the starving wolves!


lundmusik profile image

lundmusik 5 years ago from Tucson AZ

wow,, I think I'll pass on the raptor,, i just got a dojuajua (doxie and chijuajua mix),,, i'd hate to lose him,, I would appreciate your response on another very important subject: deer crossings.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 5 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Deer crossings? Why yes, of course. If your Raptor escapes you often may find him lurching in the woods near deer crossings. It seems they can sense areas where deer will come into the open and become easy prey...either that or they can read deer crossing signs on the highway, I'm not sure which. :-)


T-Man 4 years ago

Hey, if anyone is interested, I have genetically engineered a T-Rex. He fights too much with my Spinosaurus, velociraptor, triceratops, and on top of it all, has eaten 42 children. If anyone wants him they can have him.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 4 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Sounds like you've been watching to much Jurassic Park - that stuff is fiction! You can't genetically engineer dinosaurs - stick with the real thing like a Velociraptor which you can obtain at any (well maybe not any) pet store.


dellea 2 years ago

This hub is just awesome! What a riot! Definitely thumbs up! I remember when I first saw Jurassic Park I thought... "awesome, a dino petting zoo, the ultimate vacation spot!" and your hub simply reaffirms all of those fuzzy hug-able feelings I've had for dinosaurs my whole life!


DrMark1961 profile image

DrMark1961 2 years ago from The Beach of Brazil

I have 9 of these, and they are great pets, seriously. A little loud, but the neighbors never complain.

(Actually it is my flock of Guinea Fowl. Kind of like Velociraptors, dontchathink?)


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 2 years ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Thanks dellea! I think I know you, didn't we meet in the asylum last year? It's been 6 months for me, how long you been out? :-)

Dr Mark, I can't believe you have 9 of that variety! They are what we called in the "big house" velocishape shifters" What do you feed them to keep them from shifting into velociraptors?

Thank you both for your comments, for the last couple years I have been feeling like no one believed velociraptors even existed....I was beginning to wonder if http://www.straybit.net/sbe/upload/forum/lb6mOKb4C...

Oh well, back to feeding my pets. They weren't happy with the neighbors 18 year old cat (that used to urinate in my flower bed)


Insane Mundane profile image

Insane Mundane 22 months ago from Earth

A lot of misguided nutjobs out there also truly believe that velociraptors evolved into modern-day turkeys of today. Talk about gobble-gobble gobbledygook! LOL!

Side Note: This post is currently riddled with broken links and dysfunctional URLs. You may want to update/edit the Hub; cheers!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Thanks IM . Turns out the real " turkeys" are those misguided nut jobs... but what do you expect from people who believe they themselves evolved from some prehistoric "slime" or such.

Side Note: This post is not riddled with broken links and dysfunctional URLs. I check it daily. You may want to update your plugins/check your internet connection/run your virus scan; cheers!


Insane Mundane profile image

Insane Mundane 22 months ago from Earth

It's not my computer nor is it either one of my browsers. I checked a couple of your other Hubs and the links worked fine. Have you manually checked the links/URLs on this Hub instead of just using the auto-checker? It looks like a glitch in the coding/HTML and they probably need to be hyperlinked again. It's where the first part of each of the URLs got doubled for some reason. I just thought you might want to know about it, since I noticed it right away when I first landed on this page the other day.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

I see, you are right, hub pages has screwed it up. When I started on HP they encouraged you to link to others hub pages in text. Didn't take long 'till I discovered the links would go bad anytime that other hubber would delete a hub page or leave hub pages which happened quite often so I just don't pay attention to links in the text any more.

Thanks for alerting me I'll complain to HP for once again screwing up one of my hub pages - I'll tell you I feel targeted sometimes.


peachpurple profile image

peachpurple 22 months ago from Home Sweet Home

no thanks, I would rather have a lizard than a dino as a pet, gives me nightmares


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 12 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Not too late for a clever gift: see the last pic on this hub page!


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 10 months ago from Kaufman, Texas

I begged my folks for years and years to let me have a velociraptor for Christmas when I was a kiddo. They just wouldn't relent. They said it would cost too much to feed - this demonstrated their ignorance.

You can't argue with an ignorant parent....how could they think we'd have to feed it?

I admit now, though, that the dental care would be a taxing problem.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 10 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Dudes.....Well, this is great. I now have all the proof necessary to submit to administration of the asylum. Don't bother to pack. Everything you might need will be provided.

Truth is, this is really extremely clever & humorous! I can appreciate a funny Hub that cracks me up from start to finish....

Good job, tsad. (I really needed the chuckle)

Even funnier, I can actually believe you WOULD own one!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 10 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Not own rent, they are called grandchildren - I know you can relate to that.

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