Poetry- I silence my inhibitions

Reach out into darkness

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Truth is I'm not so far from being dead

I’m down to the wire,

Down to playing pretend.

Going through the motions of living,

But truth is I'm not so far from being dead.


As hard as I know I try,

I can't seem to find the steps to get ahead.

In the moment of truth I look at myself

And I am who I now have come to regret


What is it that I lack?

What is it I do not see?

Why can't I catch a glimpse of hope?

To find my courage to believe.


Reach out from the silence

That puts me in my place.

Reach out into darkness,

As my fears take over and I can no longer see


Sure it makes no sense.

Sure I feel your touch

I don't understand what it means.

But you tell me this is love,


When I'm lost to the world

and what it is you say you need.

It is me who falls from grace

As people stare to watch as I bleed


I never got the notice,

That things would be alright.

I silence my inhibitions,

To keep you satisfied.


I can't understand, why I stand alone,

Why I feel Lonely when I can't find a moment to be alone.


Taken by a chance,

That makes very little sense.

I am battling with a feeling,

I pretend I don't notice.


I shake, and I cry,

But I do so with no sound.

I must not disturb a moment,

That may be needed to figure more out.


If I could see the future,

Feel the meaning of a touch.

Would I become whole?

Or become lost within something described as love.


I don't want too much,

to be silent anymore.

But I cannot find my voice,

to call out to the world.


I show my heart too soon.

You see me for who I am.

I am ashamed of my face,

And the worth of notice I believe I will always lack.


Take away a moment,

To my inhibitions within the dark.

I am guided by the confusion

Of why I am nothing like who you are.


Wipe a tear from my cheek,

Hold my breath to hide my pain.

You shouldn't feel guilty for forgetting my face.

I sometimes can't recall my own name

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Comments 30 comments

robie2 profile image

robie2 4 years ago from Central New Jersey

What a magnificent" crying out of the soul" this is and very much a woman's lament of almost Biblical proportions. I stand in awe at your verbal power and emotional honesty. I'm bookmarking this one and voting up, beautiful and awesome


savanahl profile image

savanahl 4 years ago

What a sad poem. I love the line "Why I feel Lonely when I can't find a moment to be alone." I can really relate. Very well done. Voted up.


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

What a sad poem that is expressed so well. I hope you will be doing better soon. I know it has been a tough time. Saying a prayer for you.


missolive profile image

missolive 4 years ago from Texas

Holly, I have no words, but I will say this. These words run deep and I can relate to many of the things you have said. I almost pictured myself reaching across in the shadows and squeezing your hand. Just so that you know you do not stand alone - yet, strangely, it is alone where we sometimes want or need to be. We are hard on ourselves and sometimes the demands are more than we can bear. The internal and external reality can be a wrenching juxtaposition and as the pressure builds, we need a release. It is then that we bare our internal wails - screaming through a whisper, I am here! Your voice is resonating and heartfelt.

Why is it that we sometimes (figuratively) push away with one arm while we reach with another? Very fitting of the word, inhibition. A stand alone oxymoron.

I guess I had words after all ;)

voted up


Vincent Moore 4 years ago

Indeed I agree with robie2. This is Epic, you share your very soul, so much rings of Sylvia Platt in your writings. Be strong, keep moving forward, the journey is long. We travel it forever. At this point in time you are here sharing your deepest, yet harsh feelings of remorse, pain, searching for identity.

I to being a Poet am washed often in dirty waters that my Muse brings up from my past. Be strong, keep writing tis what keeps us sane, I hope? Be patient, yet ever so aware of your surroundings.

You are a marvelous talent and you express your innermost feelings without hesitation. Voted UP awesome, beautiful and very very interesting.


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

I hope expressing these words get you into a much better place. Vote up and awesome, Joyce.


Express10 profile image

Express10 4 years ago from East Coast

This was beautifully expressed. Awesome.


Capedium profile image

Capedium 4 years ago from Texas.

This is beautifully written, every words well connected.. Every line a quest and every feeling genuine.. I enjoyed reading this hub


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

robie2- thanks for the comment. every so often we all need a really good cry before we dust off our knees and go back for more, right? this is how i cry :)


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 4 years ago from Louisiana

This was such a sad piece, full of pain and anguish. full of self pity, but well written and yes a "crying out of the soul" but I always say if you dont like who you are then change it. Become the person you are happy with, the person you want to be. We all go through this life journey of trying to find ourselves and who we really are and what we really want out of life and love and everything in between. I hope you find a self that you wont regret any longer. Life is too short for regrets.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

savanahl, I think many can relate to that particular line... it is every woman who has ever felt surrounded by everyone else's wants and needs... thanks for commenting!


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

homesteadbound- thank you, I am doing better and feel as if I can finally breathe today... just needed to break away from what was going on...now- I am smiling and happier!


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 4 years ago from USA or America

Hey Holly, a very interesting read. Since this one is fairly new, it seems as though you're not moving forward, but might be moving backwards? I certainly hope that isn't the case and that this poem is more creative than literal. It's always a pleasure to read what you write, but this one does bother me. Thank you for sharing. :)


DarkMuse13 profile image

DarkMuse13 4 years ago from Saint Louis, Mo

I found this very beautiful and interesting by the fact that I feel that this is how other people treat me. Like they don't believe in me and what I want in life and what I do, even tho I believe in myself. If this is part of the problem, especially considering the line "Why I feel Lonely when I can't find a moment to be alone," you should think about taking a step back away from everyone that doesn't support you. This is what I have had to do with my family and false friends. They may seem on your side until you start doing well... then the jealousy comes out. Keep up the good work.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

missolive- as always your words are well welcomed and appreciated. thank you for commenting on my poem. one of the greatest things about poetry, is that when we can write it-we can feel anything and everything and allow it to shine through in so many different spectrum's-which is much different than any other type of writing. this was my scream out into the world-as i exhaled. inhaling a comfort and calming disposition.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Vincent-thank you! i appreciate your support and comment. I never see anything that i do or that i write as being worth while. even after 2 years and countless comments, I am still in awe that people read my writings and i receive praise for my emotional expressions. i suppose being among writers, rather than the average 'Joe', allows me to open up without hesitation- fore I am less concerned with being misunderstood, as i often am. within my writing seems to be the only way in which I can be so honest-and not hold back my past, my fears, my joys, my wants, dreams, concerns and happiness. thank god for words :) thank you for the comment- I am still in progress of washing the dirt away, perhaps i will be finished someday :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

writer20- indeed, that is exactly what these words did for me. they took much anger and hurt and released them, allowing me to refocus on the larger picture :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Express10- thank you for your comment- I truly appreciate it :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

capedium, thank you for reading and commenting on this hub- I appreciate you taking your time to read my work :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

nikkij504gurl, thanks for commenting. Not self pity- confusion of ones self and worth. a very different emotion. regret, perhaps- but more so a lack of truth and understanding, and confusion of the outside world and their reaction to who you believe yourself to be. you are very true when saying that each must make this journey...but while making it, the bumps and rough patched of road can make things feel a bit uneasy and unstable. Although temporary, the fear is still present.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Cagsil- no...no backwards steps...perhaps a brief pause in movement-but no regressions :) i have had a rough couple of weeks, mostly due to work and my own struggle to express my self verbally. I am feeling much more lively and focused now, no worries :) thanks for commenting :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

darkmuse13- yes,, stepping back and ridding or at least creating distance is exactly what I decided to do. but hurt and cause some confusion, the decision did. I am feeling more relaxed now and less pressure to be what others want me to be. thank you for reading and for commenting, i appreciate the feedback and am glad that you liked this piece :)


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 4 years ago from Louisiana

yes I know all to well that fear... it keeps me from doing many of the things I would like to do in life. Fear of rejection, fear of failure...fear of success even. Fear of just stepping out of my boundaries. because here I am safe...here I dont have to worry...


DarkMuse13 profile image

DarkMuse13 4 years ago from Saint Louis, Mo

I understand that stepping back can hurt and definitely cause some issues with some people, but you have to do what is best for you. Those that are your true friends will understand if you give them a simple explanation. Those that don't, well, you know where they really stand in the scheme of things now.


The original Eman profile image

The original Eman 4 years ago from london

This is an awesome poem H.C Porter, to be lost and not know what to do is so painful. You really brought this poem to life. Thank you for sharing.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

Nikkij504gurl- i know what you mean. Fear in some ways is very comforting when it allows us to stay where we feel safe. But we also miss out on so much life never taking the steps to break away from the fear. Thanks for the comment :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

DarkMuse13- thank you for your support, and I know what you are saying. Big steps that mean the most to our well being, are not always easy-and not always what we think they will be. Thanks again for the comment :)


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

The original Eman- thanks for the comment-and you are right, being lost hurts, but not trying to find ones self is far worse than any pain...


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 4 years ago from California

This is a heart breaking piece and for me--it is all about the push-pull of courage and fear. I think it was Woody Allen who said that 90% of life is just showing up--and I am a firm believer that he is right. I have also been a "lost child" if that makes any sense--and know that there were lots of times that I just couldn't show up--because I didn't know who I was--this piece touched that part of me--


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 4 years ago from Lone Star State Author

AudreyHowitt- I am sorry it took so long for me to reply- your comment was so beautiful it took me a few days to decide what to reply. I love the quote...I too believe that showing up is the biggest battle in each of our lives (and I mean truly showing up and being present as memories are made and time passes and leaves us behind). I often question the big 'TRUTH' of existence and am not sure I will ever have the perfect answer to satisfy the curiosity I hold within...but i will never quit trying to understand why it is I feel the way I feel (which often seams so different than the way that others feels). thanks for the comment and for stopping by.

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