Prepare Your Yard For Next Summer: Kill It and Build a Mini Theme Park Instead!

The Best Lawn on the Block

 

As Fall nears its end and Old Man Winter lurks in the inevitable cold shadows of tomorrow, your mind drifts to thoughts of how to prepare your yard for the next season of growth. What can you do now that will benefit your yard next summer? What steps can you take to insure you have the lushest lawn, the greenest grass? Put down some new sod, grass seed and fertilizer? Mulch the garden one more time? You want your landscape to be perfect, that is your nature, and it's true that your landscaping and lawn care skills are unmatched. To strive for excellence, to be the best; that is your battle cry. No ordinary turf will do for you, no. You want your lawn to shout to all the neighbors, "Pack it up, boys, your lawns cannot compete with the master. You cannot play here."

But your mind does not stop there, for that is your nature too. "But I hate cutting the grass," you think. It's inconvenient at the very least. Oh, you've done everything possible to make it easier, to be more efficient. But your state-of-the-art gas powered weed whacker is still a pain in the ass. It's not like it carries itself. You have to carry it, and you remember what you did to your back the last time? You spent $3000.00 on that beauty lawn tractor but you still got bored. So you welded a cooler big enough to hold a pony keg to the back and attached a 20" flat-screen TV and satellite dish on the front with the super sports package from Dish Network. And still you hate it. You hate it, hate it, hate it! So take care of your yard once and for all, forever and ever, amen. Kill it! That's right. Kill it and implement the great "grass kill," and build a mini-theme park instead!

The size of your yard will determine how many of these attractions you can include, but there is a variety for every sized property. Once again you'll be the envy of the neighborhood!

And What's Wrong With Dirt?

 

The first step is to kill your grass. Kill it good. Every little oxygen producing blade. You may be tempted to set it on fire. On the surface, this seems to be the ideal method. It's fast, it's cheap, it's thorough, and it's exciting. But don't succumb to this temptation since it also is very, very dangerous. Dangerous not because you might burn your house down and the rest of the neighborhood with it, but because your yard will grow back. It will grow back thicker and richer than ever before. Instead, poison your lawn.

Here is a perfect poison for this use, and it's non-toxic to people and pets. Purchase several gallon containers of vinegar and dissolve a good amount of salt in it. Now, simply use your fertilizer sprayer (you remember that thing don't you? It's at the rear of your garage on the right, under the power washer and next to the chain saw, which is on top of the fertilizer spreader, kitty corner to the leaf blower) to spray every living thing growing on your property. It will not only kill it, but it will prevent anything from ever growing there again, even those pesky little weeds that plant themselves in impossible places and turn into giant trees if you look away for a second. Now that your property is a blank slate, it's time to start building your theme park.

Disney World Started with a Dream

Building a theme park can be expensive. That is why you are the only person who can use your park for free. Your neighbors, their friends, their relatives, your mom and dad, your brother, your grandmother, your wife and kids, must pay, unless they work there, in which case they get a 10% discount. Think of how expensive it is to take an entire family to Disney World or Busch Gardens? Your neighbors will thank you. At only $10.00 a head for admission, your theme park is the bargain of the century. And fun for the whole family! Just look at some of the superior attractions you'll be offering.

daviddennisphotos.com
daviddennisphotos.com

The Water Park

This will be the simplest of your installations. You don't want kids playing here all day. You want them out in the park spending their parents money. Run a garden hose to the desired location. Fill up a kiddie pool and put a Slip-N-Slide and a Water Wiggle right next to the pool. It's just enough to cool the little boogers off, but they'll want to get back to where the action is in no time.

rauchdickson/flickr
rauchdickson/flickr
Joey Harrison/flickr
Joey Harrison/flickr

The Midway

Some attractions are essential for creating that carnival/amusement park feeling, as well as providing money making venues.

Games: No park would feel right without carnival games. These could include tossing ping pong balls into goldfish bowls (not necessarily alive), cockroach races, whack-a-mole (using real moles) and BB gun shooting contests. These games can be rigged so no one can ever win. You just need to hang a couple of fake prizes around.

The Freak Show: You must have a freak show, and nothing could be simpler. "But where will I get the freaks," you ask? Your Aunt Agnes has that glandular problem. Now, she's the Worlds Fattest Lady! Cousin Billy has a thing for tattoos. Now he's the Illustrated Man! With a little imagination, you wont have any problems finding "freaks".

The Little Big Top: Can your dog sit on command or play fetch? Do you have a bird that can talk, or even a parakeet that stares into a mirror incessently? How about a hamster that runs round and round the wheel thingy? What do you have? You have a 3-Ring Circus! Just throw three hula hoops on the ground and you're ready to charge admission!

The Food Pornographer/flikr
The Food Pornographer/flikr

The Rides

You have to have some real things. There's no way around it. This will keep the people coming back day after day and shelling out their hard earned money. Fortunately, there are very real rides available on a much smaller scale. You'll be spending some very real money here, so obviously, participating in these attractions will cost a premium.

The Ferris Wheel : Yes! You can have a mini Ferris Wheel! Rising to a grand total height of 30 feet, it's just enough to look over the rooftops and see that beautiful colored smoke coming from that factory over yonder. Everyone will want to ride it over and over again. Perfect for kids and young lovers alike.

The Roller Coaster: Damn straight! A real roller coaster right in your own back yard! These little babies give the thrills of their big brothers, while using only a fraction of your valuable real estate. You must be "This Tall" to ride, or have $5 bucks, as it really doesn't matter. It's your coaster. You make the rules.

Go Karts: No foolin'! Haven't you always wanted a Go Kart track in your yard! One with really fast, cool looking karts? Do it! Remember to have everyone sign a release that basically says, "It's my fault for killing myself." You could even have a little miniature ambulance! That would be fun!

Miniature Horses Of Courses

Horse with his trainer at "Boogemont Steaks", the horse racing venue at Booger World.
Horse with his trainer at "Boogemont Steaks", the horse racing venue at Booger World.

The Main Attraction

You definitely need a major attraction. Something to draw people from far away. That is why you should consider a Horse Racing Track. You heard me. A real horse racing track. Not with those big, bulky, expensive thoroughbreds, though. Get those cute miniature horses. They look just like the real thing, only tiny. And how's this for a capper: Trained monkeys for the jockey's! Even your neighbors can get in on the act by raising their own racing stock and entering them in the races. Everyone knows horse racing is as crooked as a blind man's fence, and with your own parimutuel betting booth, the fix is on! Start your own mini organized crime syndicate and stuff your pockets with ill-gotten gains. Everybody else is doing it. Why not you?

Welcome to Booger World!

You'll want to come up with a unique name for your theme park, something juicy that really rolls off the tongue. I've named mine Booger World. It captures the essence of the park while enticing potential visitors with the promise of an exciting day of discovery. Our slogan is, "Pick your destination. Make it Booger World!

By following these suggestions, soon you will have your own theme park and be well on your way to being a mini-millionaire! Perhaps most importantly, the single greatest benefit to building your own Mini- Themepark, is you'll never have to cut that damn grass again!

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Comments 66 comments

Em Writes profile image

Em Writes 8 years ago from Upstate NY

Another fine hub, Christoph. And, might I say, your new avatar compliments your twisted sense of humor beautifully!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Ditto Em's comment. This hub is really funny, and the best option for avoiding mowing unless you want to keep a pet sheep.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Em Writes: Thanks for stopping by and the kind words. It is appreciated.

Misty: I actually thought about going the sheep route. Thanks for stopping by.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

LOL, I love the mini ambulance! Christoph, you have managed to do it again. You always make me laugh with your hubs. Your so funny, and now so ugly your kind of cute, maybe that's just the pity talking, at least your still funny!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Damn, I hit post comment twice, sorry! Your still funny though!


Misha profile image

Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

Umm, yeah, fits the new avatar, no question :P

Thanks for laughs :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks, gwendymom. You're right. I'm Ugly! I'm so ugly I grow on you...like a wart or a goiter! Glad you think it was funny.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Misha: Thanks for stopping by and you're welcome for the laughs. Stop by anytime. We're up all night!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Who told you about my tractor? They lied! I popped for the 60" plasma, and I haven't been bored since. About your avatar, I still say he looks like the love child of Larry Fine, with maybe a touch of Marty Feldman, just around the eyes.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Can I be in your freak show? That's all I want to know...

thank you very much,

spryte


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

I hope they make a cream for that.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

B.T. I think you're right about my baby picture. I'll have to speak to my mother about her "activities" in Hollywood that weekend.

Spryte: I'm just looking over your resume" here. Let's see...it looks fine on paper. What's your...er...talent?

gwendymom: Yes, they do. It's called Compound WB (Wart Baby). You'd better get some.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

That's just great, that's all I need is warts, I'm definetly not breastfeeding you now, your on your own.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

All sounds grand! I'd come in a heartbeat -- of course I'd drop the brood off for the day. (Hope you offer "all-day wristbands.") One question (which I am sure I will regret): Does this theme park have a name?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

gwendymom: I said, "like a wart." I didn't say I caused them. Now, about that breastfeeding.

Mighty Mom: I call mine "Booger World," but you can call yours whatever you want. I suggest, Queezyland. Thanks for writing and good luck on your new venture.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Booger World!!! Booger World!! Did I happen to mention I have a lovely collection of boogers?

*pulls the Altoids tin from my pocket*

I could be the Amazing Booger Spryte! I even have some booger sculptures in here somewhere...I think...and one that looks like the baby Jesus...I swear, I called the pope and everything....


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

My breasts have taken enough damage from my kids, I don't need them damaged again Christoph.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Hey, I see one with a nose hair in it! Awesome collection!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Thank you...I been collectin' 'em for about hmmm...fifteen years now, I think. And they last forever...see how hard they get?

*taps one*

Rock solid I tell ya!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

OOH! Like a salty jawbreaker!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

ewwww. that's just gross, your supposed to pick them and flick them.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Well, I wouldn't recommend eatin them...I accidentally did that once, didn't taste so good. Occasionally, though, I like to build them in layers so I have to stuff one back in for a few days.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Spyte, you could roll them all up into one gigundo booger ball and make that the main attraction at your park (not unlike the giant ball of rubber bands -- or is it string) somewhere in the midwest.

Queezyland = makes my tummy all aflutter.

I think I would call mine "Johnsonville" after the meat company. Why, you ask? Because it would exist soley to serve ......... brats!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Go meat!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Gwendy: No fear. Baby be gentle. Baby go slow.

Spryte: You're hired. Just what I've been looking for! Along with my "farts in a jar", we'll be raking it in!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

LOL!  *applauds Mighty Mom's theme park name*  I love it!

Hmmm...a giant ball of dried up phlegm, mucus and nostril hair.  I may need some help producing those in quantity. 

Yay! I gotta job!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Mighty Mom: That's pure brilliance!

I am always impressed by the level of intelligent discussion that my hubs seem to inspire. I like the one's you have to mine deep for, and then have to roll between your fingertips until they dry out enough to be safely stored.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Well, Ive been called snotty and know I'm full of hot air. Happy to contribute to Spryte's booger ball and Christoph's farts in a jar. I'm sure we can work out a mutually agreeable profit sharing arrangement. This idea is really taking shape!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Goodnight all you gassy nose pickers. I'll see ya again tomorrow!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Mightymom: You can be Chairman of the Board! You seem so knowledgeable in this area, I don't think we could find a stronger candidate for the position!

Gwendy: Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the redneck bedbugs bite!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Thanks for the vote o'confidence, Christoph. Sure beats being a ride operator, but do theme parks HAVE boards? I guess if we're going to be a megabusiness we have to think big. Anyone been through Disney customer service training? Anyone want to volunteer?

G'night G'mom.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

I don't think we need to get too formal here. Let's just have fun. As for boards, how about a boogie board for the kiddie pool?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

"But where will I get the freaks," you ask? Your Aunt Agnes has that glandular problem.

ROFL.. dude, I had to read that like four times. The transition is beautiful and you didn't waste any energy on set up. That is funny S---. To be honest, was with you on this hub all the way except for your cruel disregard for Weeds, but, I don't expect much less as you are a product of your times. :P


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Shades: Thanks. I wrote this before I new the whole story of weeds and how you feel about them. If it's any consolation, remember I killed the "good" stuff too.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

I enjoyed watching it burn.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

I like fire.


pgrundy 8 years ago

This is such a great idea. I want to be included. Can I be the 'guess-yer-weight-fer-a-buck' lady? I would so love that. I'm going to tell all the skinny women they are fat and all the fat women they are skinny and tell all the men they are lucky. And then I'm going to keep the buck.

Great hub! Thanks Christophe!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

May I please come work at the Bugger World horse races? I'll take care of the minis and monkeys. However, I want a 100 percent discount and a 50 percent share of the purse. Those mounts and their riders are DIRTY!

Fun Hub!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Looking at your new Avatar Christoph, I think you could have already solved the problem of where to get your first Freak for the freak show from LOL :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Pam: Yes, you can be the "guess-your-weight" lady, and obviously, I don't care who you insult. During your breaks, you can be the psychic too, Madam Grundy!

Sally: OOOoooo. You drive a hard bargain. Ok. Don't tell anybody. First thing you know, everyone will want to take care of the little horses.

Misty: Hmmm. You're right! I'm in! Worlds Ugliest Baby! This thing is really coming together.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Well this rivals the plans for BT Barnum Evilpants' Gravy World, Jackalope Sanctury and Day Spa, alright!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Patti: Coming from you that is high praise indeed. Like Einstein saying my math homework was well done or Yogi Berra saying I don't make any sense real good. Thanks for stopping by, commenting, and your expert opinion!


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

Another great hub, Chris!!! I really needed a laugh today!!! Seems like whenever I need a good laugh, there you are...Thanks!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Anna: Glad to be of service. Come by anytime. Heck, come by and visit my theme park, Booger World! I'll give you the family discount (10%). See you soon, and remember our motto: Pick your destination. Make it a Booger Day!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

HahaHA! An IN-sult! I am insulterated! - Einstein couldn't do your tiny math homework, because of learning disability with which he understood the more complex. I, on the other hand, know a teeny tiny amusement when I see one. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

I DO apologise. It was erroneous of me to compare you to that fruitcake Einstein.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Yes indeed - compare me to Carmen Miranda, who had more fruit. Or to the anomalous cosmos of tiny double ferris wheels.


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

Very well written hub. I'm all for having a mini theme park!

I have to say that that profile picture of yours scares the bejeezus out of me :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Patty Inglish: Carmen Miranda works for me.

Uninvited: Thanks for the comment!


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

Family discount, huh?? Sounds tempting!!! Are your rides safe?? Do they meet current safety standards? I may be heading back to the midwest next summer.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Are they safe??? Do they meet current safety standards??? Where would the fun be in that? It's all about risk. I rode the Cyclone wooden rollercoaster at Coney Island in its final hurrah. It was scary. Not because it was a great roller coaster, but because you thought it might fall down any second. That's the feeling we try to capture here at Booger World.


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

Hmmm...in that case, count me in!!! I will be at Booger World this coming summer!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

I'll stock up on the kleenex!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I know some people who would be more than happy to run the midway, for you. Many of my acquaintences are well versed in rigging...things. And I have a little experience in affairs of, shall we say...questionable legality.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Don't make me read more resumes, BT!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

B.T.: That's great. I can always use help in you and your aquaintances area of....expertise. You can be in charge of my mini-mafia, which I am going to call Cosa Nostril.

Patti: Resume's? What's a resume'?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Cosa Nostril...LOL!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Yea. La Cosa Nostril. We pick on the big boys!


Starscream14 profile image

Starscream14 8 years ago

It's a great idea to make a theme park in your own garden... but it has to be very big if you want people to come :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi starscream: Thanks for coming by again. Always good to see you. Thanks!


zimbra 8 years ago

Any advice for people who only have balconies?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Zimbra: Hi. You are way ahead of the game. Since you have no lawn, there is no mowing to do and YOU WIN! Now...if you still wan't an attraction on your balcony, I would suggest a flea circus! You have to build those tiny ferris wheels and stuff and train the fleas, but then you'll get hours of amusement. You can even charge your friends! I hope this helps. Thanks for the comment!


Reg Brittain profile image

Reg Brittain 8 years ago from South Burlington, VT, USA

I vote go karts!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis Author

Reg: A go-kart race track in the back yard would be great, wouldn't it. Thanks for leaving a comment!


evvy_09 profile image

evvy_09 5 years ago from Athens, AL

Great ideas! I'll open a mini horse racing track in my backyard. My dogs have already done the job of killing the grass so step 1 is down. Thanks :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis Author

Evvy: I think mini horse racing would be a big draw. Thanks for commenting.

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