Pretending to give a shit--How to

 

Some people will go to school for years to learn a successful trade that ameliorates their sense of self and success in the world. However, some needed skills just can’t be taught in a four year institution. You aren’t going to give a shit about everything people tell you. Teachers will bombard you with instructions; parents will suffocate you with rules; jobs will stifle you with obligations. In order to succeed, there is one viable skill that is applicable to all situations: pretending to give a shit.

                There are many ways to do it, but truly accomplishing this task takes considerable skill. Once people are onto your games, they will never be able to trust your opinion again. This could be a tragedy, so here are a few tips for rookies that will definitely be a help:

                First things first: nodding will help you look legitimately interested in any conversation at hand. Friends will naturally think that you actually care about half of their problems and woes, so let them feel like this isn’t a bullshit lie by nodding in the appropriate places during your time together. Let them soliloquize their feelings, but don’t interrupt. Nod and furrow your brows when they seem appalled. Sigh and nod when they pound their fist on the table in anger. You don’t even have to consciously listen to what they are saying. Listen for the pitch of their voice to change, and get to it.

                Secondly: think in advance about polite things to say. Use big words to sound as intelligent as possible. Write these down on flashcards and subsequently memorize them. These catch phrases will be best utilized sparingly and in good taste. “I’m sorry for your loss,” is a golden line that will get you anywhere. Boss’ cat die? Perfect time. Best friend just got dumped? Even better time. Just be sure to not use the same few lines too much, or people will become suspicious. When used correctly, these phrases should evoke the thoughts of “Whoa, they always know just what to say,” in other people’s minds. And if you are a champion in the bullshit competition, you should know what to say, and when these lines will be most effective.

                Lastly: Be careful of the reverse effects of these methods. Soon, after pretending so often that you actually do give a shit, you may be inclined to actually give a flying fuck about people’s problems in life. So, in order to prevent this, act like a complete jackass every once and while. This will provide a wondrous juxtaposition for times when you seem genuine and times when you let your inner thoughts show.  After your nonchalant rage and carelessness, people will think you really are an angel who tries so hard to be nice to everyone, and sometimes, you just crack. This is also helpful, because they will learn not to abuse your powers of pretention. Make people feel like they abuse your great listening skills. This will lead to a decline in their incessant bitching and an incline in your satisfaction in life.

                So in summation, let’s get to the real point: in a world where everyone thinks too much about themselves to stop complaining or shirking their personal responsibilities and problems onto innocent bystanders, it is necessary to be well equipped against this travesty. Become innovative with your ways, thinking, and actions, and soon you will be so convincing that you actually give a shit, you could very well just become a well-respected politician, doctor, or lawyer. After all, in these trades, pretending to care is a big part of the job. So don’t get too caught up in college, studies, or work ethic. Acting like you care can get you a lot farther than doing so, anyway.

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