Quotations for Laughs #10 --- Speeding (Speeding Tickets)

Speeding (Speeding Tickets) Humor

Small town: All it had was a general store, a gas station and a speed trap.

—Myron Cohen, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Feb. 23, 1959.

A speed trap is where a motorist is pinched for funds.

The Atlanta Constitution, Atlanta, Ga., July 14, 1934.

My wife is such a bad driver she had three tickets on her written tests.

—Pat Henry, Parade, New York, N.Y., Nov. 8, 1964.

Then there's the woman who's such a poor driver police gave her a season ticket.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., March 21, 1968.

An officer stopped a woman driver and said he was going to give her a ticket for going 40 miles per hour. "Don't be silly," she said. "I haven't been out an hour."

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 29, 1958.

The driver insisted he wasn’t doing 100 and the officer said well, okay, but he’d give him a ticket anyway for trying.

—Ray Sackett, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., May 28, 1968.

Goat-getter: To have a traffic cop borrow your pencil while giving you a ticket.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., June 29, 1942.

The driver nabbed diving 85: "I was chasing a speeder to make a citizen's arrest."

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 23, 1972.

A speeder nabbed a block from the hospital: "Our baby is due next month and I'm practicing the run."

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 23, 1972.

Don't speed–it's better to be late down here than early there.

—Theodore L. Cannon, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Feb. 26, 1963.

Cars are driven at two speeds–lawful and awful.

—Tom Ethridge, Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., March 10, 1973.

It takes courage to pass a highway patrol car, even when you can keep within the speed limits.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Sept. 7, 1956.

We hold memorial services for lots of folks who can't see anything wrong with speeding if the highway patrol doesn't catch them at it.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 17, 1959.

Sign outside a courtroom: "It doesn't pay to speed–but you do!"

Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Aug. 28, 1953.

If you want to live to be 100, don't look for it on your speedometer.

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., May 29, 1972.

Speed reading is what the motorcycle policeman behind you is doing to his speedometer.

—Max Rogers, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., March 12, 1970.

Our idea of an important person is a speed fiend who is being hauled off in a slow hearse.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, March 11, 1926.

You have to admire the man who can still be enthusiastic about scientific progress after he has been caught speeding by the radar.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., Oct. 28, 1974.

A speed cop's favorite meat is road hogs.

—John P. Medbury, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., Aug. 16, 1930.

The somewhat light-headed gentleman was nailed for speeding. The motorcycle cop handed him a ticket.

“What’s this for?” asked the speed maniac.

“For doing seventy an hour!” snapped the cop.

The light-headed gent roared with laughter.

“Ho, ho,” he howled, “that’s one on you officer. You’re too late! I got a ticket like this from another motorcycle cop half an hour ago!”

—Mark Hellinger, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., March 10, 1946.

A careful driver is the one who just saw the driver ahead of him get a traffic ticket.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 29, 1969.

When a fellow tells you emphatically what is wrong with the traffic laws you can be pretty sure what he got his most recent ticket for.

—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 5, 1968.

Wording on a highway sign: “Smile–You’re on Radar.”

—William Murphy, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., April 28, 1969.

Radar spelled backward is radar. That’s why traffic officers can get you coming or going.

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Nov. 6, 1967.

Radar is a device for trapping enemy bombers and friendly motorists.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Feb. 5, 1957.

More by this Author


No comments yet.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working