Quotations for Laughs #14 --- Elephants

Elephant Jokes

When it seems as if the gnats will drive you crazy, think what it would be like if elephants could fly.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Sept. 9, 1965.

The best and most effective way to stop a CHARGING elephant is to take away its credit card.

—Boyd Pierce, Sudan Beacon-News, Sudan, Texas, Jan. 30, 1969.

It may be true that elephants don't forget. Even so, they don't have much to remember.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Feb. 25, 1936.

Another advantage the elephant has is that he can pick his teeth with his nose.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, May 19, 1923.

Elephants aren’t the only creatures that never forget. Also in this class are women, pessimists and creditors.

—Olin Miller, Atlanta Journal, Atlanta, Ga., Feb. 28, 1949.

Why do elephants have gray trunks? Because they're all on the same swimming team.

—Jon Thorwaldson, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 23, 1964.

What is gray, green, yellow, gray, green, yellow, gray, green, yellow? An elephant rolling downhill with a daisy in its trunk.

—Ann Goodman, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 26, 1964.

Why does an elephant have wrinkles? Well, did you ever try to iron an elephant?

—Ann Wilde, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 18, 1964.

Once there was an elephant hunter who had to quit. The decoys were getting too heavy.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., Oct. 12, 1973.

I figured out why elephants aren't allowed on the beach. They simply refuse to keep their trunks up.

—Ruth Buzzi, Parade, New York, N.Y., Feb. 15, 1970.

How can you tell when an elephant is in bed with you? His breath smells like peanuts.

—Bonnie Kennerly, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 2, 1964.

Why didn't the elephants go swimming? Because they forgot their trunks.

—Ann Wilde, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 18, 1964.

If you didn't have any more to remember than an elephant, you wouldn't forget, either.

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., June 29, 1972.

Elephant: An animal that grows a hose for a nose.

—J. Baxter Newgate, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., May 25, 1980.

Elephant: An animal that works for peanuts.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 6, 1958.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

—Larry Megow, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 29, 1964.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dog? A nervous postman.

—C.J. Haynes, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 6, 1964.

A scientist crossed an elephant with a cow. It looks funny, but every day it gives four quarts of peanut butter.

—Tony Delia, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Oct. 3, 1967.

It's strange but often true that an elephant mouth goes with a bird brain.

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Aug. 8, 1971.

An elephant is really just a mouse put together on a cost-plus basis.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., May 4, 1970.

Why do elephants wear suspenders? To hold their tennis shoes up.

—Jimmy Conatser, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 21, 1964.

Why was the elephant the last animal that entered the ark? Because he stopped behind to pack his trunk.

Youth's Companion, Boston, Mass., July 27, 1865.

Did you hear about two elephants entering Noah's Ark? One said to the other, "On the other hand, Clyde, who else has ever asked us to take a boat trip!"

—Phyllis Diller, Parade, New York, N.Y., March 22, 1964.

Our idea of a philosopher is one who has hay fever and thanks heaven he isn't an elephant.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., Sept. 2, 1922.

Is the elephant a carnivorous animal? More carnival than carnivorous.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Feb. 2, 1966.

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