Quotations for Laughs #20 --- Dieting

Dieting Jokes

Well, there’s one thing to be said for a diet–it certainly improves the appetite.

—Harold Coffin, Beaver County Times, Beaver, Pa., Dec. 3, 1962.

Most people who swear they’re going on a diet tomorrow, wind up eating their words.

—Merv Griffin, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., March 3, 1952.

A diet is something you go on when you think people are seeing too much of you.

—Earl Wilson, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., May 2, 1962.

Dedicated dieters are people waiting for their shapes to come in.

—Wayne Mackey, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., March 27, 1980.

Dieting is waiting for hips that never come in.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 19, 1961.

It's easy to cheat on a diet, but you'll have a fat chance of getting away with it.

—Shelby Friedman, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 12, 1967.

The hardest thing about dieting isn't watching your food--it's watching everybody else's.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 21, 1964.

Diet: Something a person does for bad breadth.

—Ben Cassell, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Feb. 16, 1969.

Diet–The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 3, 1961.

A friend told us that he lost fourteen pounds when his wife went on a diet.

—Ivy Clough Johnson, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., March 13, 1928.

Overheard: "My wife went to one of those diet doctors and in two months she lost $300."

—Chuck Norman, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., June 20, 1967.

A diet is what you keep putting off while you keep putting on.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., July 18, 1968.

Trouble with a diet is you get fed up with not getting fed up.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Aug. 1, 1961.

A diet is something to take the starch out of you.

Chicago Heights Star, Chicago Heights, Ill., Sept. 10, 1957.

Keeping on a diet is a battle every inch of the weigh.

—Theodore L. Cannon, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Oct. 30, 1962.

When a woman goes on a drastic diet she has either one or both of these objectives in mind: to retain her girlish figure–or her boyish husband.

—Joey Adams, Parade, New York, N.Y., Jan. 5, 1969.

If you broke your diet and gained ten pounds, don't complain. The weigh of the transgressor is hard.

Crowley Daily Signal, Crowley, La., Jan. 10, 1928.

Diet: What people do when they are afraid of their own shadows.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Feb. 9, 1964.

You can't diet just by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Oct. 18, 1966.

Diet: A method of cutting down expanse.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, March 13, 1958.

Dieting: Practicing self-denial at the table; raiding the refrigerator between meals.

The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., April 29, 1935.

Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter.

The Welchman, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Nov. 18, 1945.

Dieticians hold that we are what we eat. Another reason for avoiding turnips.

—Jack Warwick, Toledo Blade, Toledo, Ohio, July 29, 1941.

Some folks really ought to diet if it would keep them from being so full of themselves.

Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Jan. 23, 1956.

To find out what a poor loser you are, just start dieting.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Feb. 1, 1966.

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