Quotations for Laughs #30 --- Waiters & Waitresses

Overheard: “You can tell a man is getting old when he pays more attention to his waistline than to the waitress line!”

—Howard C. “Buck” Herzog, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Feb. 21, 1956.

Sign in a restaurant: “Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.”

—Al Abrams, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., May 10, 1938.

It takes a true cynic to snarl as he tells the waitress he wants his eggs sunny side up.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Feb. 7, 1969.

A young man ordered a pizza for lunch. "Should I cut it into six or eight pieces for you?" asked the waitress?" The man thought for a moment, then replied, "Better make it six–I'd never be able to eat eight."

—Anne Dirkman, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., June 27, 1976.

Waiter: "Are you going to drink all of your water?" Customer: "If I don't, you can put the rest in a brown bag and I'll take it home to my dog."

—Phil Foster, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 2, 1965.

A sure bet: The guy carefully checking the tab in a restaurant is with his wife.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 9, 1972.

About all that some wives know about good cooking is which restaurants serve it.

—Jackie Kannon, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 22, 1959.

How to get fast service in a restaurant: Look at your watch and ask the waiter how long it takes to get to the airport.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., May 2, 1976.

We prefer to dodge restaurants where you can read the menu on the waiter's coat front.

—Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Sept. 22, 1954.

It's a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.

—Don Herold, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 16, 1958.

With me food is a serious business. When I get to a restaurant and the waiter brings me the menu, I say: "YES!"

—Jack Eagle, Parade, New York, N.Y., July 22, 1973.

You shouldn't blame a fellow when he flirts with the waitress; he may be playing for big steaks.

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., May 19, 1972.

Cannibal: A man who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, July 28, 1956.

Etiquette is knowing which fingers to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.

—Martin A. Ragaway, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Aug. 21, 1977.

There was this man in a restaurant and he said to the waiter: "What's this fly doing in my soup?" And the waiter replied, "The backstroke."

—Herkie Styles, Parade, New York, N.Y., Jan. 7, 1962.

After dinner mint is something you need when the waiter brings you the check.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, April 11, 1952.

Waiter: A man who finally comes to him who waits.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, April 24, 1958.

He's so cheap, when he eats in a pizzeria and can't finish the lasagna, he asks the waiter to put it in a bag–says he has an Italian dog!

—Johnny Morgan, Parade, New York, N.Y., May 1, 1966.

Waiters are guys who think money grows on trays.

—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 2, 1958.

I read that the average waiter walks 12 miles a day. No wonder my soup is always cold by the time I get it!

—Bernie Berns, Parade, New York, N.Y., June 9, 1963.

Called to order–the waiter.

—Puck, New York, N.Y., June 27, 1888.

No Man's Land: A table between the jurisdictional domains of two waiters.

—Sherman P. Wantz, Air Force Times, Washington, D.C., Nov. 6, 1968.

Middle age: The period when a man pays more attention to the food than the waitress.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Nov. 23, 1963.

My favorite restaurant hires only married men–they're better at taking orders.

—Lon Ritchie, Parade, New York, N.Y., July 12, 1970.

Do you know why menus are snatched away after the order is taken? Not to make more room at the table, but to keep customers from changing their minds.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Nov. 7, 1971.