Quotations for Laughs #56 --- Golf

Golf Jokes (Set No. 3)

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

—Bob Hope, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Oct, 13, 1966.

By the time a man arrives at the state of affluence where he can afford to lose a golf ball, he can no longer hit it that far.

—Theodore L. Cannon, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, April 11, 1959.

How often do you hear golfers kicking about the unfairness of a bunker that catches the other fellow's shot?

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Jan. 27, 1916.

It's such a pity. I made a hole-in-one and they wouldn't let me dig up the hole and take it home with me.

—N.E. Coan, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 19, 1964.

Golf is what men do to relax when they're too tired to mow the lawn.

—Vesta M. Kelly, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 14, 1960.

Too many, in playing the Nineteenth Hole, over-approach.

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Jan. 29, 1915.

Golf and life are a good bit alike. The average man spends three-fourths of his time playing from one trap into another.

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Feb. 2, 1915.

When some golfers talk about their score, you don't know the half of it.

—Lucille J. Goodyear, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Oct. 1, 1967.

The reason why some golfers use carts instead of caddies is that carts can't count.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 8, 1968.

Bad lies are found not only on the golf course, but also in the clubhouse locker rooms as well.

—Purser Hewitt, Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Feb. 13, 1973.

My doctor said my wife and I needed exercise. So I bought golf clubs for myself and a lawn mower for her.

—Jack Herbert, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 7, 1962.

A reader asks, "You say those who play around 92 or 94 are not duffers. But my game switches a lot more than that. What would you call a fellow who jumped back and forth from 90 to 115?"

An acrobat.

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Dec. 5, 1922.

What puzzles us is how the average golfer can pull his chin in without biting his tongue off.

—Olin Miller, Daily Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Aug. 31, 1935.

If he doesn't watch out, that meandering golfer might get the habit of lying in the rough.

—Ivy Clough Johnson, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., Feb. 17, 1927.

The office dub wants the sixth hole, where he shot a 17, declared a disaster area.

—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., July 12, 1966.

Defeat is often a spur to endeavor. When a golfer gets a poor lie it just means he must tell a better one.

—Jack Haney, The Times-Picayune, New Orleans, La., Nov. 30, 1925.

Two Scots were playing golf on a blistering hot day. One of them had a stroke. The other made him count it.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, May 3, 1951.

A neighbor reports a terrible handicap in golf–he’s an auditor and always adds correctly.

Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, July 1, 1949.

I'm not so good. I lost the ball on a green once.

—Jack Benny, Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., June 21, 1954.

Some say that driving a golf ball is as easy as pie, but we always slice it.

—Olin Miller, Daily Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., June 3, 1936.

When you're playing golf, nothing counts like your opponent.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., May 19, 1975.

Paul Anka went golfing, and complained: "They kept telling me to keep my head down–and while I did, someone stole my golf cart."

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 4, 1965.

A golf ball is inherently lazy. It performs no useful function unless it is driven.

—W.A. MacKenzie, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., Feb. 8, 1928.

The worst thing about golf is that the prohibition against loud talking is in force only while the game is being played.

—Grantland Rice, New York Herald Tribune, New York, N.Y., July 18, 1925.

How many golfers who say so are actually sorry when an opponent in a hard match slaps one into a deep trap or cracks one out of bounds? You know the answer.

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Aug. 1, 1917.

NOTE: For more Golf jokes, see the following Hubs: Quotations for Laughs #8; Quotations for Laughs #55

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