Quotations for Laughs #8 --- Golf
A golfer, trying to get out of a trap, said to a fellow player, "The traps on this course are very annoying, aren't they?"
The second golfer, trying to putt, replied, "Yes, they are. Would you please close yours?"
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 2, 1955.
What is the most valuable shot in golf? Offhand, we should say the shot that lands closest to the hole.
—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Jan. 22, 1915.
The most important shot in golf is the one you miss.
—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Nov. 12, 1915.
Caddying–The only business in which it pays to be left holding the bag.
—Charlie Van Sickel, Tri-City Herald, Pasco, Kennewick & Richland, Wash., Dec. 24, 1965.
Old golfers never die; they just end up in a hole.
—Jack Weiller, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., April 10, 1980.
Some wives can find spring cleaning aids at the grocery store, the hardware store and definitely out on the golf course.
—Howard C. “Buck” Herzog, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., May 3, 1961.
He plays golf like a union man. He negotiates the final score.
—Bob Hope, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., March 26, 1979.
Golf is a lot like taxes: You drive hard to get to the green and then you wind up in a hole.
—Chicago Heights Star, Chicago Heights, Ill., May 22, 1959.
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 20, 1960.
If you play golf for exercise, why not take as many strokes as possible and get you money’s worth?
—Robert Quillen, San Jose Evening News, San Jose, Calif., July 27, 1930.
Then there was the golfer who was so used to cheating that when he made a hole-in-one he put down a zero.
—G.B. Stonewall, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., July 9, 1967.
Never pick up a lost golf ball until it stops rolling.
—Fletcher Knebel, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Feb. 11, 1963.
If you don't watch your golfer opponent, he will compensate for bad lies with bad lies.
—Olin Miller, Daily Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Dec. 22, 1934.
Trouble with some golfers, they stand too close to the ball after they hit it.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 19, 1966.
Watching the golf of some players convinced us that in time they might level a range of mountains.
—W.P. Ball, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., July 25, 1935.
The only good loser is a man playing golf with his boss.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 12, 1969.
Golf is a game where you part with good money for the privilege of getting in the hole.
—W.A. MacKenzie, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., June 24, 1927.
Courage is never a matter of quantity. It takes more nerve to sink a 4-foot putt than it does to hit a 250-yard drive.
—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Jan. 30, 1916.
Difference between an amateur golfer and an amateur gardener is that one of them uses the holes he digs.
—Orange Daily Leader, Orange, Texas, Aug. 7, 1922.
It's work when you sweat in the garden, but it's sport when you perspire on the golf course.
—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American Press, Lake Charles, La., July 27, 1945.
You can improve your golf by thinking the ball is the income tax collector's head.
—Crowley Daily Signal, Crowley, La., April 4, 1925.
A fellow who can smile while everything around him goes wrong is a golf caddie.
—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, July 31, 1954.
When doubtful about your golf score, ask your opponent’s and then subtract two.
—The Daily Texan, Austin, Texas, Aug. 4, 1926.
Your golf score often depends greatly on how well you lie.
—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, Jan. 21, 1923.
And there’s nothing like hope. A man who made a hole-in-one this year hopes to do better next year.
—Hamilton G. Park, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Dec. 21, 1931.
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