ROMANCING THE STONE - Dealing With A Psycho Ex
Romancing The Idea That "All Is Ok" With Divorce & Kids...
We have all been there, especially when kids are involved. The marriage or relationship goes "kaput" and then we are left in a battlefield of unanswered resolve and future bombs. But now the the difference is that the kids are involved in many different ways and scenarios. Not just like when you used to fight with each other in front of them on a bad day in the same house. Now these arguments can include others in your life (a new relationship, friend or scenario) and different locations like at different residences. The point is that no matter what you do, there is a reason you are no longer together and it is impossible to expect the perfect outcome of this scenario.
It took me two years to be able to spend time with my ex and the kids without exploding in some way. We had a very volatile ending to our marriage with me causing the main bomb threat when I left. I was done and this sent a ripple through the head of someone that did not want to accept it. Marriage can be a war if the disconnection is in a really bad state. The problem is that a marriage usually ends way before one of the partners leaves. I always say that it takes two people to make a marriage work and one person to leave. Both partners have to be willing to clean up past resentments in order to go forward. This can take a lot of work and usually most are just not capable.
The other issue about a failed marriage is usually one person does not want to admit that they are at fault and think that they can "do no wrong." This can come in the form of a personality disorder or "narcissistic" behavior. Control issues are another major block in fixing things. Control freaks make it impossible for a relationship to be balanced because they always want what they want. Eventually the other partner feels that they have no voice and they give up. This is the beginning of the end.
A Stone Is A Stone...
After the separation there is no need to try to convince this sort of person of anything. Most people go on into a sort of delusional "la la " land in their minds and they are convinced that they can do no wrong. Do not waste your energy in trying to get them to see your side. It didn't happen when you were married or together and it will not happen afterwards. Especially when it comes to kids. Their idea of things will be different then your idea of things. Just do not bother with trying to convince them of something that they will never see.
This is important when it comes to kids and disagreements regarding them.
Kid Bomb Relapse....
Sometimes old habits do not go away. Things can seem like they are going ok in your scenario and then BAM, old arguments ensue.....buttons get pushed and then the war begins. The worse part about it is when the kids are around and it causes them extreme stress. I'm thankful that this has not happened that often, but always know that there is a chance that it can. Just takes a few old bad habits and a few bad verbal attacks and "voila." Not pretty!
How To Navigate An Ex Husband Or Wife...
I feel that navigating an ex is "key" to having a smooth relationship or atleast limited chaos with that person when you have to deal with them in person. If they "lash out" make sure you do not get emotional about it and step back. Look at what they are doing and stop it there and do not react. Do not indulge the situation by yelling back or reacting in an aggressive way. After many years I have learned to walk away before an argument gets heated up. This takes a lot of self control and there have been times after being insulted that I had to really bite my lip.
Remember, most people lash out in aggressive ways because they are hurting and do not know how to express their feelings in a normal communicative way. If you just remember this, you will not react from an emotional place and you will "think first." It has taken me many years to be able to not get emotionally charged in an argument especially when insults come into it.
So you are in a healthy place now and the dust has settled and you still have to deal with the other parent of your children. Time does heal things but it does not take away bad habits from a person who refuses to change. Remember, you chose this person at a different time in your life. Whether you were in a good place or not, they happened to be there at that time and you made the decision. I often wonder "what I was thinking" when it comes to my past choices, but the point is that I am a different person now. No need to look back, just move forward and make better choices in everything you do.
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