Random Guy...Yeah, You Know Him...

Expert Witless...

Random Guy
Random Guy

Random Guy

Like most guys in Lemon County, I like to feel that I'm pretty dialed in. I read the articles, watch the shows, and get the right info, and with the Internet at hand, can pretty much figure anything out. So why do guys listen to that "Random Guy?”

Random guy can be found lurking in all guy-centric areas of life. You'll always find one in the games aisle at Best Buy, for example, or next to the tool section at Lowes, or on car dealership lots.

He blends into his surroundings and is never accompanied by women or children; the only thing he has is time.

And very strong opinions.

Let me clarify. I want to buy a new TV, for example. I have a few questions in my head of the “how big,” “plasma or the other thing,” variety, and I look for the oldest, least-pimpled youth in a blue vest.

I will usually fail in my search for a relatively mature (over eighteen) “sales executive”, but, by simply standing in front of the TV's, it appears that I am inadvertently telegraphing a desire to have a conversation with Random Guy. You first become aware of him as a disembodied voice, as it is considered OK to keep looking at the object to be purchased.

"So, you're thinking plasma, then?" he'll begin.

You mumble something like, "Well, yeah, I guess." Because it is a challenge, to the very root of your masculinity, not to know all there is to know about everything on the planet.

RG then has a sharp intake of breath, "Buddy of mine bought plasma, blew his house up. I've got a 90 inch Syatakamoto myself, hard to find, but, well, you know, it's better than having your house explode."

The fact that RG is talking patent nonsense, and you know it's nonsense, does not stop you listening to him, and his words bleed into your common sense area (admittedly small, in the male of the species) and pollutes it.

Random Guy walks away, and helpful child in blue vest arrives.

"Sir (dig on age), I see that you are looking at the 50-inch plasma; finest piece of equipment in the store," he opines.

And in your head, you're going, "but this guy I know, his buddy had one blow up his house," even though you know it's idiotic. So you mumble at helpful guy, walk out of the store, and buy the Vizio at Costco, just like everyone else.

Now that you can put a name to him, you realize that Random Guy is everywhere. There are even subsets, like sports Random Guy, car expert Random Guy, and possibly the worst version of all, expert on women Random Guy.

Unsolicited advice from un-credentialed nobodies. We need a defense mechanism. Feel free to use me for this, if you like. You know, "I read this guy’s blog and..." with the conclusion that Random Guy is, thus, an idiot, as he does not even know about my blog, which infers that all his other information is bogus.

It works. A buddy of mine tried it, and his Random Guy’s head exploded....

C

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 14 comments

ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 6 years ago from NE Ohio

Very funny, Chris. You've got me thinking about all the Random Guys I've crossed paths with over the years, and all the erroneous information I'm carrying around in my head as a result.

Nice ending. Although civilized folk would never wish for someone's head to explode, still . . . you have to think Random Guy had it coming.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

The internet has spawned a new version, random blogger guy, it's a phenomenon that will not die....


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

Hah, very funny. I so totally run into Random Guy all the time too. Ubiquitous bastard. Good stuff. Off to read another.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Shadesbreath,

Once you start looking you see them everywhere! Glad it tickled your funny bone,

Chris


bayoulady profile image

bayoulady 6 years ago from Northern Louisiana,USA

Hilarious!...and here I thought he was unique to my neck of the woods! So there's more than one Random Guy. Then in that case..hum...it's very possible that California has a Random Gal just like we do!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

bayoulady,

They are everywhere and know everything. My wife tells me that the female version is ever present with an uninformed opinion for every situation. If you get a Randon Gal mother in law you are in deep trouble!!!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

OHMYGOSH This is "rich" as my Dad would say. You're too good! What a hoot!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nellieanna,

You know a few of these people don't you!

I have to admit I'm a little concerned though - the internet has to be the perfect lair for random guy. The only advantage would be that he can't share his choice of aftershave when using this medium

Chris


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Sure I do. Best counter measure I found is to out-random them! In fact I feel it's my solemn duty to warn you about Random Granny -

& I R 1 (blush) tee hee.

Thanks for following me before you discovered this awful truth!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nellieanna,

So now I have to be respectful because you have grandkids! If my sons would (please, I'm begging) get their act together I'd be right with you, spoiling them to death.

Random Granny is about as cool as Random anyone gets, so you totally get a pass.

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris- I was randomly looking through your hubs and found "Random Guy". I believe his cousin, Random Robot, made an appearance on my kid's cartoon. Scary, really.

I see Random Granny has also come out of the woodwork, although she is fun and completely harmless. I'm fairly certain none of her friends have blown up.

Great hub! :O)

Was this your first one? You know the first hub blows up when you publish hub number 66.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

OK, so this is just you and me. right? Nobody's listening?

This was number two!

Yes, the Poo hub!!

Random Granny puts me to shame - she writes longer replies than I do hubs! Awesome lady, I always read her work right after yours, (balances the palette!)

And I know that with all the stuff in my head, that I run a very real risk of being internet random guy!

Thanks for checking out the back catalog - I checked, I have read all of yours, so I feel pretty virtuous.

It's good to have hubfriends :)

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Random Granny washes the bad taste off of the palette! I started following her a week or so ago, she is an amazing person!!

I can't believe you've read all of my stuff! I've got some work to do, I'm behind!! Of course, I believe you were on here a couple of months before me, and it takes longer to read your hubs due to the accent. Yeah, that's it! :)

It IS great to have hubfriends! No one else appreciates the poo quite like you!

Oh, and you ARE internet random guy. Several of my friends and I now use the expression, "bless his little cotton socks" because of you.

Thank you Random Guy!! :)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Bless your little cotton socks...

Yes I started a whole month ahead of you - and you now have more followers than me - so you must be doing something right :)

Er... Random Guy is not a compliment BTW

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