Reaching Accross The Void To You

The pill bottle hit the floor with an exaggerated thud!

Guess the pills were already taking effect. Laying there in that which would be my last moments.I was vaguely aware of the things around me.My alarm clock glowing it's bright green digits. The tacky painting of horses running nowhere in particular. Those once white curtains; now a sickly beige from all the hours devoted to smoking in this tiny room. It was funny that I had not thought of smoking once since i'd taken those pills. It seemed that being near death had cured a nicotine addiction

I wondered if maybe I should write a note; then I thought about how odd it was to write suicide notes. Although, my family always seemed to find me odd anyway, it still would seem strange, being that I hated to write. What would I write anyway? How life had been so cruel? It had. How I didn't see the point of going on? I didn't. A note would be too cliche'.

Fading...

It was true though about life flashing before your eyes. As my room started slanting at different odd angles, and blurring in and out of focus; there were images of my childhood on the playground, and weekends with my dad, and my first day of high school. All these images bouncing back and forth. Just before I floated through that doorway, or gateway, or rabbit hole, or what have you.

Then suddenly I wanted to see my face one last time. It was a strong urge as I glanced at my trusty old alarm clock; it's bright green numbers glowing brighter than usual. The clock read 6:58. I resolved that if I didn't push myself up off that bed by 7 a.m., i'd forget it. Then powerfully, somehow I did. Standing there on rice noodle legs; my rice noodle, drug-addled brain tried to focus on the face in the mirror. A face that wasn't mine!!!

There was a beautiful woman there; where my reflection should be. I shook my head as violently as I could manage and she was still there. Replacing my rugged face, hands and body; was this beautiful,angel- faced woman. Perhaps it was the pills; but then it seemed so real. I reached my hand( and her graceful hand reached) forward to touch the apparition. She turned her head sideways in response and jumped back as quickly as I did when my hand touched the mirror and her reflected hand.

At 11:58 I couldn't believe I was up. In three minutes it would be officially another day. At some point in my life it would have been unusual to be up just three hours after laying down.This year nothing was as it usually was. I'd endured more than any one woman should. First divorce, then the death of my favorite sibling, and then my job being eliminated. With rent now due and my savings nearly depleted; it would be easier to just give up!

Any day now I knew i'd be crossing the threshold into insanity.There was a certain freedom in insanity. People expected less from the insane. You could talk when you wanted to talk things out ; and it wouldn't be so unusual, even if no one was listening. You could do or say practically anything with immunity. You could scream about the things weighing you down; even if doing it with a lampshade on your head. Wouldn't that be a certain relief/release ?

So, i'd crossed the threshold into insanity, and maybe soon being hospitalized and medicated. Surely i'd disappear into the "system"; whatever the "system" was. I was so near that threshold I could feel the cold air rushing in, from the other side.

Staring into the void...

Not being able to sleep; I got up at 11:58 p.m. Looking into the mirror to see just how horrible I might look. As I looked into that mirror was taken aback;not only at my somewhat haggard reflection, but there was... someone was in my house!!!!! I'd never been the victim before

and this was no time to start being one. Clearly there was a man in my house, reflected past me in the mirror. So picking up the hairbrush I was fully prepared to bash him, or cram it somewhere. Suddenly though I took a glance back in the mirror and knew i'd stepped fully into the realm of insanity.

There was a face staring back at me, and it wasn't mine. Clearly this insanity thing wasn't all it was cracked up to be. A man's face and hands, and clothing were where mine should be. Just oddly enough I found him appealing? Crazy? For some reason reaching my hand to touch the mirror I jumped as he jumped when our reflected hands touched!!!

For several moments they gathered their bearings whatever there was to be had. He seemed to smell her need for him, and she seemed to hear his. Back and forth mesages reflected and relayed with their eyes, and hands and slow motion lip movements. He mouthed, "tommorow." She mouthed the same. Then their reflections touched, and this time there was no fear ; only amazement. He was saved from death. She from insanity. They both set their clocks at this same time every night/day.

I see your eyes accross the void

and hold you tighter than if you were here, and

you are here;

in the silent solitude

of this lonely room-

no longer alone

speaking more things without words

than volumes of voices could

and i'll meet you here nightly

and the void dissapears...