Reflections on a Lost Relationship

Yours Truly
Yours Truly

ABOUT ME AND POETRY

I am not a poet. Indeed the few rhyming verses presented here are among the first I have ever written, and personally I am not happy with all. However, these pieces were not composed as a great exercise in creative writing, but as a spontaneous expression of feelings. All were written within just two short weeks of the break up of my relationship.

Perhaps greater quality would result from taking greater time, and maybe in due course I will revise some of these pieces.

But then again, perhaps greater time would have diminished the emotion which allowed me to write these pieces?

COPYRIGHT

Please feel free to quote limited text from this article, on condition that a viable link back to this page is included

INTRODUCTION

The following expressions of emotion were inspired when my girlfriend of five years dropped me the bombshell that she no longer loved me. It was an unusual relationship because she was a citizen and inhabitant of another country. However, after five years as a long distance girlfriend during which time I would travel to see her, she finally visited and stayed in my house for the first time to see if a future together was a realistic possibility. I enjoyed having her here, but after two months she decided to return home.

I feel when she left that it was not just the end of my relationship, but maybe the end of any hope of a relationship for me. Trying to understand what had happened, and wanting to express my feelings, led to these short pieces of prose and verse.

I should make clear, not all that is written should be taken too literally. Certainly it would be unfair for others to judge my girlfriend and burden her with the extremity of the emotions expressed - sentiments felt when at one's very lowest ebb. But all these pieces do relate in some respect to different aspects of my feelings in the aftermath of our time together - the feelings of hurt and loneliness, and of rejection and incomprehension.

She is a nice girl. And I wish her well.

THE HOME SHE CAME TO ... THE HOUSE SHE LEFT

When I was single, my house was a home.

A place where I lived and could do as I pleased.

A place to feel comfortable.

A place to feel secure.

A place of my own.

When she moved in, our house was a home.

A place of warmth to enjoy together.

A place of shared experience.

A place of companionship.

A place of our own.

When she moved out, my house was just a house.

A place of coldness to return to every night.

A silent place to exist in day by day.

A place of memories to forget.

Just a place.

THE CHOICE I MADE

You know when first you said you’d love, there also was another -

a girl who really cried for me, and wished for me to love her?

You know how indecision cost me her, because she couldn't wait for me -

to choose between her passion, and your pledge of lasting loyalty?

You know how I believed you would, one day become my wife -

And how you’d stay and live with me until the end of life?


But now we know that pledge to me was not a guarantee,

your feelings died and lacking love, you could not stay with me.

Now I’ve lost both her and you, and I start to reminisce

about what happened and why it did, and I think I‘ve learned just this.

That when it comes to heart felt love to last for all eternity

I'd always choose impassioned love, ahead of loveless company.

PROMISES IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP

You always told me I 'worry too much'.

You always told me 'there is no problem'.

But still the day came when I found I was right to worry. There was a problem.

You always told me you loved me.

You always told me you always would.

But still the day arrived when you told me you didn't.

You always told me you'd stay forever.

You always told me you'd always be mine.

But still the day dawned when you told me you were leaving me.

THE PAIN OF LOSING LOVE IS GREATER THAN THE JOY OF GAINING LOVE

You never love more than the moment they take their love away.

You never regret more than the day it's too late to turn it around.

When they are here, you love with all your heart.

But when they go, you miss them with your heart, body and soul.

When they are here, all your heart is full and warm.

But when they go, the whole wide world becomes empty and cold.

And you cry for all the promise of the future they take away.

And you cry for all the memories they leave behind.

ROSE-TINTED GLASSES

Like all lovers do, we looked with loving eyes.

She looked at me through rose tinted glasses.

And I looked at her through rose tinted glasses.

But as the years passed, I guess her glasses broke.

My glasses still work.

I wish my glasses were broken too.

DREAM GIRL DISILLUSIONS

Perhaps it's better to keep the girl of your dreams within your dreams.

To meet her, to court her, is to allow reality to shatter the dream ...

As it will surely do if your dreams are as beautiful as only dreams can be.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO?

Five years spent as partners apart

Oceans away but close in heart

'till the day you came to live with me

To enjoy some close proximity

To visualise your future life

When one day you'd become my wife

You came for six months but stayed just two

Was enjoying me so hard to do?

Five years in the making ...

Two months in the breaking ...

Adieu.


THE FINAL QUESTION

How now will my future be

without your love and company?

My smiles are drowned in floods of tears

and happy days are lost in lonely years.


Will now my future be alone

or shared with someone yet unknown?

One can hope, but hope fades fast.

I think my chance for love has passed.


Where now does my future lie;

just counting years as each goes by?

In a land of memories I'd rather forget,

in a world suffused with deep regret.


What now may my future hold;

just life alone while growing old?

With continued memories but faded hope

I worry will I ever cope?


When now did that future start?

The day you left and broke my heart.

That future began in deep distress

when you left me with a last caress,

when you left me with a kiss goodbye,

when you left me there alone to cry,

and when you left me with a wish to die.

So finally, can I ask the question -


'Why?'

© 2013 Greensleeves Hubs

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I'd Love to Hear Your Comments. Thanks, Alun 16 comments

Greensleeves Hubs profile image

Greensleeves Hubs 14 months ago from Essex, UK Author

fpherj48; Thank you again Paula. It's nice to hear your thoughts on this. They make a lot of sense, as well as demonstrating a lot of compassion. Alun


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

There are no rules to follow, Alun. Nothing that says you must try to "forget."

In fact, I believe we should remember...perhaps selectively, but those who have been a part of our life, have every right to remain a part of it. Let's remember that each and every person whose path crosses ours, is a chapter in our Book of Memories. We are allowed to turn the page without closing the book.

It appears to me you have a healthy attitude and are going on quite well. I wish you success in whatever you do, wherever you go with whom. A loving heart attracts the same.......Peace, Paula


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Greensleeves Hubs 14 months ago from Essex, UK Author

fpherj48; A lovely comment Paula. So glad it touched you - but not glad to make you cry :)

I have moved on, and am trying to build a relationship with someone else, but it's still early days. There is occasional communication with my ex-girlfriend, and no animosity. What's more I still have a very warm friendship with her family and earlier this year I visited her parents and her cousin in the Thai village where they live (she wasn't there as she had moved to Bangkok).

As I say I have moved on, but I'm a bit of a sentimental hoarder by nature and cannot throw anything away. Only this week I was tidying some files including one containing personal mementos - letters etc - and to see them again still upsets me as I think back two years.

Thanks again Paula. I appreciate it. Alun


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

How very beautifully yet heartbreaking you have expressed all the emotions you dealt with at such a profound time in your life.

I actually cried a bit for you and am so sorry this happened.

Hopefully you've healed or at least can understand that only what is meant to be will last. There is something more for you Alun...someone new. You'll see, I'm sure of it.

This writing must have been cathartic for you.....It's good to move forward...All things have a purpose. Peace, Paula


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Greensleeves Hubs 24 months ago from Essex, UK Author

Titia; Thankyou for your thoughtful comment. I tried responding to it some time ago but never completed what I wanted to say because I felt that going into detail about events, would be unfair to others involved, and would lead to misunderstanding.

Suffice to say here that two girls met me within a week of each other and before a deep relationship could be established with either. Emotional attachments developed too rapidly after this. There was no dishonesty on the part of any of us. They told me exactly how they felt, and they knew all about each other. I was having to make decisions before I felt able to do so, and with a desire not to hurt either of them. I couldn't make a decision quickly enough and the situation eventually resolved itself as in the poem above.

It's sad, but life seems to have turned out OK for both. Today one is happy with a new boyfriend and the other now seems very content being single. I am still alone, and all 'dating' is presently at long distance; if I meet someone again in person, only time will tell if it will work.

Thanks for all your reflections, both on poetry and on love.


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Greensleeves Hubs 24 months ago from Essex, UK Author

buddhaanalysis; Apologies for not responding to your comment earlier than this, but thank you for your kind advice. It is much appreciated. Alun


Titia profile image

Titia 2 years ago from Waterlandkerkje - The Netherlands

When love stops feeling like love, it's nobody's fault, it just happens, how hard it may seem to the other person involved. Your girlfriend was honest enough to tell you, in stead of keeping you on a leash forever and ever.

As you wrote in your first poem, the moment you met this girl, there was another girl longing for you, but you couldn't love her. Same situation, isn't it.

Writing down your emotion wether in poems or prose, is always a good thing to do. At least I do it every time and it helps me getting grip on my life again. I second Pochinuk, I too don't like to call myself a poet, I leave that to others to judge. I write words that rhyme or words in free verse and in those words I express what I feel and/or see. I often use my own landscape/nature photos to write to.

Five years is a long time and long distance relationships are hard to maintain, but she made a choice and you have to accept that choice. It's been a year now, time to close it and give it a place in your mind. You say you're dating again, so give those girls a chance, because one of them might become the love of your life.


buddhaanalysis 2 years ago

I wish that you find relief in life. Take my advice. Just start to love self , go to gym and do things which you like. You will find someone which you like.


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Greensleeves Hubs 2 years ago from Essex, UK Author

buddhaanalysis; Thank you buddhaanalysis. This happened last October, but I still find I miss her, especially when I go places or do things that I once did with her. I am trying to date again, but I won't lose feelings of love for her until I find feelings of love for someone else. Thanks again, Alun


buddhaanalysis 2 years ago

Very heart touching. It feels too tough to loss dear ones. So embarrassing feeling to know how helpless we are! with separations and feeling of loneliness.


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Greensleeves Hubs 2 years ago from Essex, UK Author

pochinuk; Thanks Christine. I always worry about writing poetry or indeed any kind of creative writing. In a purely factual, knowledge driven article, such as most of mine are, one may be able to rely on the 'interest value' of the information to carry the piece, regardless of the quality of the writing. But that isn't the case with creative writing where the quality of the phraseology, and the articulation of one's thought processes, becomes all important.

You are right to suggest that one should write poetry not in a contrived way, but as an emotional response to something we are feeling or thinking. Only that way does it truly come from the heart. Only that way does it have a real truth and an understanding of the sentiment behind the words.

I appreciate your visit and comments. Alun.


pochinuk 2 years ago

I am really glad you did this poetry! It's courageous, in my opinion to then go ahead and post it.

You say, "...I am not a poet... am not happy with all... two short weeks of the break up of my relationship."

If it's any consolation, I write poetry and have an aversion to calling myself a poet; what you are saying makes a lot of sense. The moment I try to be a poet, for me, it doesn't work. Words come as an intense emotion to something I am feeling, thinking, or otherwise trying to "say"; more to myself than those who read, but ah, I post anyway...hard to do sometimes.

Whatever path you are on, if you want to write a poem, Do it!:(my unasked for advice).


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Greensleeves Hubs 3 years ago from Essex, UK Author

Thank you girlpower. When first I met my girlfriend, she did not show the passion which would be the norm in Western society, but this I could put down to her culture - a culture which emphasised the value of loyalty more than love. Sadly although she assured me she loved me, real passion never developed, and as affection cooled over several years largely spent apart, there was nothing left. Loyalty is not sufficient if it means staying with someone you don't really love.

I hope if you read any other of my hubs, you find them interesting. Cheers, Alun.


girlpower 3 years ago

your poems inspired me, the line "I'd always choose impassioned love ahead of loveless company" you have grown through this painful experience, consider she gave you the gift of freedom from living in loveless company, great writing, i will look for next hub,


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Greensleeves Hubs 3 years ago from Essex, UK Author

Thank you MsDora. I appreciate your words. I was hesitant about writing this page because I didn't want to write anything too critical which would hurt her if she ever read it. At the end of the day, it really boiled down to the simple fact that she decided she didn't love me. It doesn't make her a bad person.

And yet my feelings at what happened inevitably are intense and I needed to share them in the only way I can. I actually feel worse today than the day she left, 2 weeks ago yesterday. I'm OK at work, but at home alone it hits hard. It was I think my last chance at love. But I hope not. Alun.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean

I appreciate your concern that people judge your girlfriend; they do not have all the facts about her. I also understand that you will grieve because you love her so much, but please know that you deserve the freedom to move on. Holding on forever will hurt you forever. She would like you to move on.

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