Roger Mellie

Roger Mellie - the man on Telly is one of the longest running an most loved characters in the British Adult comic Viz. Famous for his catchphrase "Hello, Good Evening and Bollocks" and also the oft quoted line "Sorry I'm Late Tom" which actually turns out to be the title of his autobiography. Roger is a foul-mouthed, uncouth, sexist man who somehow manages to hold down a job as a TV presenter for Fulchester TV (FTV) despite constantly putting his foot in it. He is supposedly based on a composite of various real-life TV presenters.

Supposedly Roger was born in Fulchester in 1947 and went to school at Fulchester Mixed Infants, Bartlepool Grammar School, and Oxford Remand Centre. Roger was completely useless at school and finished bottom in every subject. He found his calling when he got a job as a cub reporter on the news with Robert Dougall and found his niche doing genital mutilation routines at the London Palladium. Pretty soon Fulchester TV (FTV) came calling and he became a popular TV Presenter. At the same time he set up his very own Production Company called MellieVision and the rest is history. he can be found most nights at his favourite lap-dancing club in Acton until the early hours. He lives in Fulchester with his 17-year old mail-order Thai wife, and 15 Staffordshire Bull Terriers. He has been married five times previously, two of which ended messily as his wives were 'accidentally' murdered. In his long and He is amongst other things an undischarged bankrupt; a convicted rapist, a hopeless alcoholic; a fascist, and a recovering cocaine addict.

One of his most famous capers was becoming a hit and run driver whilst in need of a liver transplant due to his chronic alcoholism. He ran over and killed a motocyclist without stopping and later received the dead man's liver himself. In true Mellie style he celebrated the successful liver transplant with a massive binge at the nearest pub.

Another time he was supposedly kidnapped in Beirut only to be actually hiding out at the BBC Television Centre in an attempt to gain publicity. Also his career as presenter of Bargain Hunt was cut short as a dead body is fished out of his swimming pool.

Roger is an accomplished author with many tomes to his name including 'They Don't Call Me Roger For Nothing', 'Sorry I'm Late, Tom', 'Shit Yourself Slim', 'Roger Mellie's Ad Break', and 'Roger's Profanisaurus'.

Roger's Book the Profanisaurus managed to document many of the alliterative similes that he uses to describe whatever is going on in his mind. Below are just a few examples;

Talk on the great white telephone v. To be sick in the lavatory. also Drive the porcelain bus.

vesser n. A silent fart.

Wanking spanners n. medic. Hands. also Dick Skinners

Richard the Third n A huge turd, it makes you feel like a king.

King Canute n. An enormous Richard the Third that blocks the bend and holds back the tide of the flush, causing the toilet to overflow.

Excalibur n. A magic turd of legendary proportions that rises eerily out of the water in a mist-shrouded toilet.

Meat and Two Veg n. A gentleman's undercarriage. Alternatively A pork sausage and a couple of love spuds.

Lady's low toupee n. An all-weather ladygarden.

Pavement Pizza n. The contents of your stomach as they appear after barfing in the street. Also a Parked Tiger.

Thunderbirds n. Women of ample proportions. Also Barge arses.

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