Seeds of Doubt- Poem
My story is not so different from millions of other woman, out there. I was in a mentally abusive marriage, for fifteen years. I was lucky, it only got physical one time. We got married when I was seventeen. I may have loved my ex-husband at some point, but the bad years quickly out-numbered the good. We both changed, and grew very bitter. I would like to say it was all his fault, but I can't. My bitterness, and depression made it hard for people to be around me, let alone love me.
I wrote this poem right after I finally had enough courage to kick him out. The main reason I held on as long as I did, was becasue I was so terrified that it would ruin my children's life. I visualized them needing years of therapy, and I was sure that they would never ever forgive me. The thing is, I was wrong.
Months after the inital shock wore off, I was having a conversation with my girls. Out of the blue, my oldest daughter asked me why I did not leave her dad sooner. I was speechless. I told her that I was raised in a household that always worked out the problems, so I tried to fix things. She told me that some things are just not worth fixing. I could not believe such wise words came out of a fourteen-year-old mouth. I could not help, but to agree.
The seeds of doubt are planted deep
Watered by every tear you weep
It takes baby steps to begin again
With one foot, in front of the other, and a pasted on grin
Can’t look back
The train has already left the track
Nobody must know that you have been derailed
There is only one option, you must not fail
Six confused eyes look up at you
You feel their fear, anger, and resentment too
Wiped away are the innocent smiles
replaced with confusion and denial
This pushes you over the edge
You scream and reach for the ledge
Alas, it is too little, too late
You’re falling toward the arms of fate
Your voice grows melancholy as you whisper goodbye
To all the lost dreams that were trapped inside
As you spiral through the air
You reach for a thought, which is no longer there
You wipe your face of all the tears and sweat
And suddenly land in an invisible net
You search for the familiar pain and fear
And realize for the first time, your mind is clear
In their place is a joyous song
You hear a voice whisper “this was my plan all along
Trust in me and I will set you free
Everything is going to be okay, open your eyes and you will see”
You slowly open up your eyes and look above
And see six eyes staring down with nothing but love.
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