Sarah Palin for President 2012 : A United Opposition
Sarah Palin for President 2012 : A United Opposition
The rumours of Sarah Palin quest for the nomination as 2012 Presidential candidate for the Republican Party has aroused enormous controversy across America. None more so than among two distinct minority groups who, for the first time, have set aside their historical differences to form a coalition in protest against Palin and her extreme political views.
The 'Radical Moose Front of America' and the National Bear Association have united in opposition to form the Moose-Bear Alliance.
Harvey Antlerhead, a Shiras Moose from Western Montana and leader of the new coalition explains;
"We think it is absolutely appalling that this known serial killer is reaching for the highest echelons of office. Too many people consider 'Todays moose is tomorrows hat-rack' and Palin is only perpetuating these outmoded beliefs. We have suffered persecution and ethnic-cleansing on an unparalleled scale and this woman epitomises the worst excesses."
They have also received celebrity endorsements from many Hollywood actors and actress ranging from Walt Disney to MGM and from Main Street to Sesame Street. In fact none other than the famous Bullwinkle who is quoted as saying;
" Gee!! I gotta beef up my security, I got some stalkers after me"
"Hokey Smokey!!!" added his friend Rocky
Barney Clawfinger, a brown bear who actually hails from Palin's home state of Alaska, is head of the National Bear Association. He echoes Antlerhead's opinions;
"Palin should be in The Hague, sitting alongside Karadzic. We should not be fooled by her quaint family values and cosy fireside living room scenes. That cover on her sofa is my cousin Eugene"
The Association have been particularly strident in campaigning for new rights and freedoms, Clawfinger continues;
"It's bad enough that they took away our fishing permits but even today we run the risk of a bullet if we go near the rivers.
Some of our members have resorted to desperate measures and are eating fast food from the trash at McDonalds in nearby towns.
Not only is this dangerous but it is adding to the obesity problem among our young who are increasingly living on discarded french fries and burger buns. And you'd never guess how many calories there are in a McFlurry"
Antlerhead agrees wholeheartedly with Clawfinger and adds;
"This is by no means a new phenomenon as we have been suffering the most ever since they stopped shooting at the Indians."
"That's why we are supporting the Democrats in the coming elections, at least they understands the issues of minorities. I'm sure plenty of Barack Obama's ancestors have been chased through the woods by gun-totin rednecks."
Worringly for the sake of civil order and the rule of law some elements in the more militant movements have taken things a step further.
A breakaway faction of the NBA attacked a Republican fundraising picnic in Yellowstone Park last week. Luckily the attackers were distracted by the selections of cold meat and pots of honey roasted peanut butter meaning injuries were few. Unfortunately however, a determined Depute Marshall suffered a severe loss of face.
This incident has caused panic in many states such as Wyoming as it is believed that a healthy grizzly can smell a Republican from five miles away.
In a video release into the media the leader of the attackers announced:
But when news of Sarah Palin rumours broke, a riot erupted in Central Idaho and over 50 moose stampeded through the streets of Bellevue. Luckily again injuries were light and no one was badly hurt, particularly as people sought refuge in shops and houses as the moose couldn't get their heads through the doorways.
In an attempt to defuse anger at these incidents, Antlerhead states
"We disassociate ourselves entirely from these irresponsible and violent actions by wild animals"
"However they indicate the strength of feeling against Palin's nomination amongst the common herd."
"But we advocate strong measures to safeguard our wildlife and further our cause. Therefore we will be canvassing the Democrat Party and Barack Obama himself to gather support for our demands. Our main requests are";
- An end to all hunting in the USA even including squirrels and small rodents
- Ted Nugent to be banished
- Bullet-proof vests and Kevlar helmets for moose and bears as protection against illegal hunting in the most violent regions
- Full voting rights at all levels of election from President down to Forest Ranger, in fact, especially Forest Rangers
- Widened doors to allow moose representation on Congressional committees
- Local quotas on municipal employment with a ban on bear costumes in the arts and commerce to provide equal opportunities for our furry brothers
- All moose heads to be removed from hunting lodges, bars and even private households
Sarah Palin was unavailable for comment, but a Republican campaign spokesman stated;
"This is getting ridiculous and if Obama agrees to meet these guys then he'll be pandering to yet another dangerous minority group. Where will it all go from there? Will we have bison demanding reparations from the massacres of the 19th century? Renegade beavers cutting off our water supplies? And skunks creating God knows what mayhem in the political atmosphere in Washington."
He concluded by promising, "The only concession we'll offer to the moose and the bear population is a five minute head-start before we break out the ammo"
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