Why am I "Lazy"?

Being productive and driven comes easily to some; to me it has always been a struggle. Am I being lazy? Could I be lacking something that others have? If I am, then what is it? A vitamin, mineral, encouragement, will? I am never short of ideas. Am I the only one that is stuck in the mud of life without seeing anything beyond the shovel and the bucket?

There are those who would say that the only thing you need is a plan and determination. Great, but what if you only have a plan? How do you encourage yourself to take action? Is it by asking uncomfortable questions; are you happy with your life, is this all that you could be and do, achieving something great, living beyond what others expected of you? What if the answer has nothing to do with those questions? I simply think that I should do this because I should be able to do this. Everyone is a dreamer, but how many of us actually go out and try to make that dream a reality? Seriously? How many can actually say that they wake up every day and do something to realize their dreams?

Is fear stopping me from doing what I feel I should be able to do? Is it fear of failure or success, or is it what others will say with either outcome? I have always tried to live in a way that would make someone proud of me in some way. Always looking for feedback, good or bad. It had been very easy to do that in my youth. All I would really have to do is do what I was told, been seen not heard from when in a group of adults, and study hard to get good grades in school. Simple enough. It had been much easier to immerse myself in books and fantasy, and dreams of greatness when the only thing standing in my way was bedtime. As time went on it was much more difficult to get the same “thumbs up” or “you did great” from those that were giving them out so easily just a few years before. Once you are habituated to that positive feedback, it is not easy to face criticism. It is even harder to face it when the expectations change, grow, evolve but are not communicated clearly or when you have not been given directions on how to achieve those new goals someone else had set for you. Failure after failure you become addicted to that new feeling, the feeling of trepidation, ineptness, disappointed looks and headshakes. Then you have an excuse not to do anything because no matter what it will never be what is expected of you.

Precious time passes, and now I find myself almost unable to find courage to fail again since there is not much of it left to recover from those failures. I do not have the luxury of “summer vacation book reading marathons.” What if I hate that book, I would have just wasted hours of my time that I could do something other. That luxury is long gone and all I have been able to do is follow duty and obligation to adulthood, adulthood that hasn’t worked out exactly the way I expected.

So what is lazy? What is the exact science behind my type of lazy? Chemical imbalance from years of creating neural connections that feed on one particular type of feeling or is it truly being LAZY?

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