Scouse Jokes

Scouse jokes are among the funniest you will find in the world. Scouse refers to the people of Liverpool, that fine port city on the River Mersey in north west England, who are nicknamed scousers. Probably due to friendly rivalry between Liverpool and nearby Manchester, scousers have acquired the reputation of being thieves and completely lacking morals and the scouse jokes reflect this.

The people of Liverpool are among the finest in the world - warm-hearted, humorous, generous and hard-working, they are true salt-of-the-earth people. They can also take a joke against them and that is why I have enjoyed compiling this collection of scouse jokes. I hope you enjoy them too.

Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.

Q If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bike

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Merseyside?

A: Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin

An eldery lady was walking slowly down the street when she was attacked by a rottweiler that had been wandering around unleashed on its own. A man walking past grabbed the rottweiler, and using all his strength, pulled it off the woman. As the dog, by now having tasted blood, was going wild, he subdued it by battering it around the head with the bottle he had been carrying. A newspaper reporter had been passing and witnessed the whole episode. Rushing up, notebook in hand, he said to the man

"That was fantastic! I can see the headline now " Man City fan saves woman from vicious rottweiler attack.

"I'm not a City fan", replied the hero.

"Man United fan turns hero and saves woman from vicious dog attack".

"I'm not a United fan" replied the man.

"Well, what team do you support?" asked the puzzled reporter.

"Liverpool".

The reporter tries again. "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

A plane at Liverpool airport (the wheels have been nicked!)
A plane at Liverpool airport (the wheels have been nicked!)

St Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when 40 scousers turn up. Being the first time he had ever seen anyone from Liverpool arrive at Heaven's door, he wasn't sure what to do.

He left his post to go and ask God for advice. God in his Almighty wisdom instructed St Peter to go back and ask them about any virtuous deeds they had done in their lives.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, looking shocked.

"They're gone!"

"What, all of them?" replied God with surprise.

"Not just them", said St Peter, "the Pearly Gates!"

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What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The accused

What do you call a scouse girl in a white shellsuit?

The bride

Why can't you circumcise a Scouser?

Because there is no end to those pricks.

Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?

Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train.

At the station ticket booth, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.

"Watch" replies a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers squeeze  into the carriage  toilet and close the door behind them.

Soon after the train left the station,, the conductor comes around  to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a tiny bit and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans witnessed this and agreed it was quite a crafty idea.

On the return trip, the Americans decide to emulate the scousers  and save some money.

They then bought a single ticket for the return trip.

This time, however, to their amazement, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American.

"Watch" says a scouser.

On board the train the three Americans cram into one toilet while the three scousers cram into another  nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the scousers comes out of the toilet he is in and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please".

What's the tallest Mountain in Liverpool?

KillamanforhisGiro

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Q:: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Scouser fan?

A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A: So they're not mistaken for Liverpudlian women.

A Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that their rooms had been double-booked. and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that it was a twin room and could only hold two of them. He suggested the third sleep in a barn in the farm next  door. The farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in the barn  free of charge.

There being nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the scouser had just got into their respective beds when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They had just got into their respective beds, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

This time the scouser had to agree to give up his bed and wentoff to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu had just got into their respective beds when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

What should you do if you see a scouser jogging?

Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

How do you make a scouser run faster?

stick a video player under his arm

What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?

Batman can go anywhere without Robin.

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A burglar.

What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

What do you call a Scouse woman who has had 6 abortions ?

A Crime Prevention officer

Two Scousers on a motorbike are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool, when their motorbike breaks down.

A  trucker stops his lorry to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the back of his wagon as he ihas a full load of 20,000 bowling balls.

He is quite mechanically-minded and agrees to take a look at the bike for them, but no matter what he tries he is ultimately unable to get the bike going again.

Some time has passed and now he’s late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

However, he doesn't like the thought of leaving them there stranded, so he squeezes the scousers and their bike into the back of the wagon along with the bowling balls.

To make up for lost time, the trucker puts his foot down. Next thing PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The police officer asks the driver what goods he is carrying to which he replies "Scouse Eggs".

The policeman laughs and says "there's no such thing" and demands to see for himself what is in the back of the wagon. After opening the  back door he quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from all cars in the area.. The dispatcher enquires as to what emergency could be possibly have to need such a level of backup.

“I’ve got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it – two have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already”.

A barman was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. he was in obvious pain and had great difficulty  seating himself on the bar stool. He then asked the barman for an Irish whisky, and as it was being poured asked the barman  "Is that Jesus down there?", while pointing towards the end of the bar.

The barman nodded affirmatively, so the Irishman asked him to give Jesus an Irish whisky, too.

Next customer to come in the bar was an ailing old Italian man with a hunched back, who moved very slowly and painfully. He reached the bar and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also spotted Jesus and asked the barman if it was really him. The barman nodded. The Italian asked for him to be given a glass of Chianti, too.

The third customer to enter the bar was a Scouser, who briskly walked into the bar and yelled, "Barman, gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God's Boy down dere?" The barman nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

As Jesus was leaving, he approached  the Irishman, touched him gently and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman immediately felt the strength come back to his legs as his pain dissipated.

Jesus then approached and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian then felt his back straighten and his pain disappear.

Jesus then approached the Scouser, who quickly backed off and exclaimed,

"Don't you f**kin touch me! I'm on Disability!"

[Explanation for non-British people - "Disability" is the highest paying welfare benefit paid out in the UK. Some people are adept at claiming it, even when there is nothing wrong with them!]

Which is the odd one out?

  1. Shark
  2. Lobster
  3. Crab
  4. Scouser

....The Shark

The other three pinch like fook and wear shell suits....

In the corner of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. - a real bruiser!

He's having a few pints of lager when a small, smartly dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After 3 or 4 pints, the gay man finally finds the Dutch courage needed to speak to the big Liverpudlian.

he leans over, cupping the huge ear and quietly asks "Do you want a blow job?"

In reply, the massive scouser leaps up and smacks the little man in the face. He then knocks him off his bar stool and beats him to within an inch of life, before depositing him on the pavement outside.

He then returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Shocked to the core at witnessing such a brutal display of violence, the barman quickly brings over another beer.

"I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

Liverpool office (the wheels have been nicked)
Liverpool office (the wheels have been nicked)

A scouser walked into the local job centre, walked straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The clerk behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. the salary package is £200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter replied "You started it!"

It was Friday evening in Liverpool, and having just received their Dole cheque, Gaz and Baz were trying to decide where to go that night.

"I know," said Baz, "There's a great club in town we ought to try." 

"What's it like?" asks Gaz.

"Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."

"Wow!" said Gaz, "That sounds great. Have you been before?"

"No," said Baz, "but my sister has."

Police cordoned off Liverpool city centre this morning when a suspicious object was found in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk.

If you can understand the Liverpool accent, you've got to listen to this! It is hilarious! A bloke phones up the pet passport government department to report that his pet goldfish has been stolen...

scouse goldfish joke phone call

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Comments 11 comments

Rosie2010 profile image

Rosie2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Hiya Izzy, this is so funny! I'd never heard of Scouse before, now I know. What a wonderful job! Thumbs up and funny.

Have a nice day,

Rosie


IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 5 years ago from UK Author

I was laughing so much myself I just had to share! I'll likely get a duplicate warning on this hub at some point.. I didn't write them.


Karanda profile image

Karanda 5 years ago from Australia

Thanks for the laughs Izzy. Never heard of Scouse either, but had no problem with the humour. Fantastic!


IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 5 years ago from UK Author

we all need a laugh now and then :)Thanks for reading !


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Some great Scouse jokes. Liverpool F C was one, but Kenny's fixed that at the expense of my beloved wolves. I loved the pearly gates one and hadn't heard most of them. Pity there wasn't a good punch line at the end of the call, but funny stuff. Cheers Izzy.


IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 5 years ago from UK Author

The pearly gates one was brilliant! I hadn't heard it before either. Thanks for reading :)


Sam Cameron 5 years ago

I think these jokes are disgraceful! wake up and smell the coffe Liverpool is nothing like that !! most of you have never heard of scousers anyone actually been? i dont think so! I have lived in Liverpool for 25 years and none of that ever happens anymore. Its so stereotypical! Of course there is crime but that happens anywhere liverpool has the lowest crime rate in the northwest. This is no different to being rasist just think about it . you make me sick :(


IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 5 years ago from UK Author

Sam, lighten up! It;s all good fun :)


The Joker 5 years ago

Love it......They keep coming.

A lot of these jokes could go for anyone.


jimmy swarez 5 years ago

i'm scouse and proud of it, the ones that take offence to riddicule of scousers and our ways aren't really scousers. we pride ourselves on being able to take the piss and the piss being taken out of us. keep them coming!


IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 5 years ago from UK Author

Thanks Jimmy! Spoken like a true Scouser :)

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