Comedy And Funny Stories About Sex: The Naked Truth

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Public Domain photo

Funny Story About Sex - The Naked Truth

Libido isn't exclusive to men! Wow - it hit me right between the eyes in my 20s! I'd always been a very willing participant but it finally dawned on me that I could actually 'have it my way' (in a manner of speaking) or as men say about sports 'call some of the plays' - all of course directly related to the fact that I married someone who has always treated me as an equal.

I married young - I was a young 21 to Bob's 28 - and before I blinked, we had created 3 bouncing babies to raise. By age 26, I had had our third, my baby girl, and we were living in an 800 square foot house in a suburb of Chicago.

By about age 28, I started to really hit my prime. I began to realize that it was okay for women to express themselves in many areas - most especially in terms of sex drive - as in 'I am woman, hear me roar !' Fortunately for me, again, being married to a passionate, always ready-to-go husband, he didn't seem to mind me evolving on him!

My husband has always been my very best supporter, the first to applaud my efforts in all arenas. He has likewise always urged me to 'express myself'. Of course, in this particular arena he was definitely reaping the benefits!

As in many instances of spreading our wings though, I guess sometimes things can go a little unexpectedly. Especially when I'm involved....

Prelude

Having an 800 square foot house meant that everything was literally very close. We had 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom but with the boys in 1 bedroom and Kate in the other, we managed. Yet the best feature of this 800 square foot house was that it came with a luxuriously giant backyard.

Chicago was never my favorite place to live. The weather I like to describe as having basically 2 days of decent summer before the humidity and heat set in. Let's not even TALK about the winters. They run from about October 1st through June. To this day, I so miss the 80 below temps (wind chill) and the icicles INSIDE my house. My 5+ years there felt like a prison sentence (I grew up in California) - but I digress.

One of those 2 beautiful evenings of summer one particular year in my late 20s, we had somehow managed to wear the kids out and get them all to bed at a decent hour. We retired to our room whereupon we set about what we did best in our spare time with a moment's peace and quiet.

Things were just getting heated up. I was having all kinds of fantasies rushing through my young mind and was trying to settle on one that would be the most 'spontaneous'.

I broke urgently from the kiss and whispered to Bob 'It's a beautiful night out - probably the last one we'll ever get this year and it's only June 4th! Let's grab these blankets and go outside and do it on the lawn under the tree in the backyard.'

I heard reluctance (do ya think) as he whispered back 'Are you nuts? The kids are sleeping and we'd probably wake them up. Besides - why go lay on the cold, hard ground when you can just enjoy the party right here in our big, soft bed?'

I hate to admit it but I'm not good at 'no'. When I get an idea in my head, it is very unlikely to be leaving any time soon unless I end up with what I want - simply because truth be known, I don't really ask for too many things.

I'm sure he could tell within seconds that I was going into my 'pout' mode. I was participating but I wasn't sizzling the way I had been a few minutes before. I have to give him kudos for 'keeping it up' so to speak. He was doing his best to try and get me focused back on the bedroom and things 'at hand'!

Finally I hear a truly painful sigh....'Audrey, I know what you're doing - you're trying to get your way. I don't think this is a good idea - to go sneaking out the back door like a couple of teenagers and going at it on the grass for God's sake! What if the kids wake up?'

Well, he wasn't going to win. I teased him and lured him, promising all kinds of enticing things we could do on said grass. Was it any wonder he finally conceded?

He was coming around to the idea (so to speak) that if we were going to ever finish this up, we were going to have to move to the great outdoors. Bless his heart - mind over matter. In this case I think matter over mind! (You are probably thinking about now - poor man having such a slutty, manipulating wife!)

He tried (in vain) to grab some pants or some kind of cover but I insisted that if we were going to go au naturale and do it outside, we were going to be, by God, naked when we got out there. I did let him keep his sheet and grabbed up some blankets and away we snuck...through the kitchen and out the back door. After all, that was part of the thrill, the fantasy - that we were buck naked!

The Naked Truth

Now that we are out there, we needed to find a place to lie down where there weren't going to be tree roots poking us in the back. After a few minutes, we had selected a nice spot under the tree, close to it but not too close because of all the blasted roots. Best yet, we were far enough from the windows so that the kids wouldn't hear things that might scar them for life but we could still hear them.

Bob's muttering by now - things about 'what the hell was wrong with the nice warm bed' (this coming from Mr. Camping). True to his nature though, he forgot all that in a few minutes after I took 'things in hand' again - literally. Before we knew it, we were back in the dance - plunging back into the fire.

Being outside and actually reenacting a fantasy was just too much for me. Pretty soon, I was definitely going up in flames. Probably because he had not wanted to do this in the first place, Bob was taking his sweet time about things (payback and I'm his bitch). I was urging him mentally to pick up the pace.

Finally, I was kissing him, whispering to him something to the effect of 'now' - and he kindly obliged. He was just 'assuming the position' when out of nowhere much to our mutual horror, the entire backyard is FLOODED with light!

It looked like someone had turned on the sun! My instant reaction was 'what the heck?' I was sure that our oldest, Jonathan, had woken up, had somehow found we were AWOL and turned on the lights. I wasn't exactly thrilled that I was going to have to explain Sex-101 to a 7-year-old boy but I figured that was my reward for having fantasies!

While all this is going through my mind and I'm trying to figure out answers in an instant, I suddenly realize that my husband has literally jumped over me and he is running. He was like a relay racer jumping out of the blocks - and I might add proudly carrying his 'baton' - I imagine for the 'hand-off'. To say that he is running 'balls out' would be an understatement!

A car engine shut off a few minutes later and thankfully the high beams of the car I now realized was in the driveway next to ours. Car doors slid open and slammed shut. The next thing I heard was Asian 'twittering'. When I hear a group of Asians speaking, I always hear the rhythm of it and the rapid fire exchanges. In this particular case though - we're talking EXCITED rapid fire and by many people. (No doubt!)

There was some high-pitched giggling going on as well. More light - the porch light was flipped on flooding our backyard again with light - though not so much as before - and then a very stern Asian voice said something I loosely translated as 'get in here - NOW'. It sounded like the back door to the house opened - then many running footsteps - the door slammed shut. Then finally blessed silence and the lights went off again. It probably all took 2 minutes in total to occur.

During all this, when I roll all the way over and look back at the house where presumably my husband has sprinted, here is my buck naked husband plastered against our brick house. He is literally pinned to the wall like a mounted insect. While I could lay there all day and admire the view (and dwell on the word 'mounted') I was hoping there wouldn't be a giant hole in the brick the next day where he had impaled himself against the brick. Man, that had to hurt! (And of course all that 'drilling' - wasted)

I think I got out one word - 'Bob'. He was edging along the house at a stuttering, rapid pace sideways - away from me all the while pressing his front to the brick. Before I knew it, he had opened the back door and sprinted buck naked into the house. Well! Talk about leaving someone to their own devices.

I waited a few minutes to see if any more lights would come on. They didn't. I finally decided not to tempt fate by dashing nude to the back door, wrapped myself in the blankets and trudged back into the house. I found my husband in sweat pants lying on the bed with his arm over his eyes.

'I'm so embarrassed, Audrey - I'm never going to be able to walk outside again'. ('Oh man, I hope he didn't DAMAGE his baton' was all I could think)

Instead, I said...'Don't be so dramatic, Bob. They probably don't even know it was you'.

Glare....'Yeah - I only live here and it was obvious who I was since the headlights on high gave them a pretty accurate view!' (Back to the arm over his eyes)

'I don't know why you're so upset - I'm sure they must have known I was out there, too. How am I ever going to go outside then either?'

Glare - back to the arm over his eyes.

To explain, we lived next door to a Chinese family. They spoke very little English. They were beekeepers, not porn connoisseurs (that I know of). As our luck would have it, the father was also a Chinese Christian minister.

Oh but it gets better! He was having his usual Saturday night youth group (apparently) and he was in the process of bringing them all back to his house for a prayer meeting and a snack! I guess they had not planned on a SNATCH instead.

At any rate, he pulled into the driveway which paralleled our driveway in his huge church van that had about 10-12 teens in it just in time to catch the show. Wow!

Does it get any better than that? My fantasy unfortunately did not involve being a porn star. I wanted a little nooky in the out-of-doors to get the juices flowing so to speak but I think I might have gotten more than I bargained for. Gifted woman that I am, I just so happened to take my darling husband along with me for the 'ride' (so to speak).

Summing It Up

All's well that ends well I always say - and our night did end in the way that we had both hoped when we started out. After all, 'you can't keep a good man down!'

I learned a few things though. Most of all never, ever, ever to suggest again to my husband to take it outside....although in truth I have enticed him again in other venues.

He never quite forgot that moment in the spotlight, however, so I've had to make sure there was no way he would be caught 'with his pants down' (so to speak).

It was rather awkward for several months seeing our Asian neighbors. I did not feel that we needed to apologize. They spoke such little English anyway I might have made things far worse had I tried. I was never sure if they were winking at Bob or looking at me in scorn - but when all was said and done, what could we do?

I am eternally grateful it was NOT our son turning on the lights. It could have definitely been a far worse scenario. I would probably still be squirming because I created a situation I had to explain to one of my children but then again - we're all only human.

Years later, when Jon was in high school and we had sent all the kids away on a skiing expedition up the mountains, he came home and innocently asked me what we'd been doing all evening. I started to blush and he changed the subject and then said 'okay - what did you have for dinner?' and just like that, I had all the poise and class in the world to say 'stex' (meaning STEAKS). He was so horrified he went to his room! You can see why it is usually best if I do not speak.

As to "___!@ interruptus", since Bob is in the Catholic 'reserves' and that is a Catholic favorite for birth control, I guess I just figured at that moment, I took one for the 'team'. I just never thought we'd ever apply this method in quite that way!

My only worry in retrospect was that it wasn't too much information for those Asian teens getting the Full Monty. I sure hope that minister knew how to give the birds and the bees talk! I still don't know why Bob didn't stay nice and safe under the blankets and make like a turtle.

At any rate, I have found fantasies can come true - only sometimes you get a little more than you bargained for I guess!

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Comments 58 comments

akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks MissCue - I tend to speak from the heart and the funny bone~


MissCue profile image

MissCue 5 years ago from Santa Barbara, CA.

If we all only just "told it like it is". Funny!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Any time, Stan! Laughter is always good for the soul, eh?


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

This was hysterical and well written....Thanks for a good laugh today...


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks for the read, John!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Ken - Thanks so much for the laugh out loud yourself! Good lord you made me laugh until I was crying with the Chinese language - I shoulda thought of that myself!

That was one of those moments Bob still reminds me about - my great brainstorms. Oh well - younger days and I was full of ideas. "Poor man" had to endure SOOO much! He still does but think he's pretty happy when all is said and done.

No more escapades with lights - I hope! Loved your story about the pool. That would happen to me NO DOUBT! We all know I don't have much luck with pools anyhow!

Trying to get my funny bone back - think I misplaced it in the last few days as it would be nice to write something just Audrey for a change. Hopefully will get my groove back - if not, may just have to resort to some wild and crazy act!

Thanks as always for the read!


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

OMG I just came across this hub by seeing one of your comments to a comment left here. I picked myself up off the floor and at the same time ran to change my shorts, I spoiled them from laughing so hard:0))) just kidding, but I did laugh out loud.

That picture that Google allowed is so tame to the ones you could have posted up here, like Bob plastered to the wall, him running Buck naked across the lawn, you chasing him:0) and both fighting to get in the back door in a hurry.

Those dam lights will do it all the time, it brings back memories of my exploits with my first wife in our pool, we left the pool lights off so we could swim BUCK naked and feel the freedom of our body parts in the nicely heated pool, until all of a sudden our pool lights were flicked on and off, it turned out to be a short in the wiring, however we were pretty dam good sprinters pulling our asses out of the water and running for our robes.

Those Asian neighbors were a HOOT I could just hear them giggling in Chines, as they whisper under their breath, cawezy Americans to the tune of one hung lo or wook at dose chicken balls run:0)) too funny.

Great hub Audrey, you had us all rolling in the aisles, next time you pull a caper like that make sure your BOTH UP for it, it's a bitch pulling twigs and grass our of your Ass#^s


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks for stopping by Rishworld!


rishworld profile image

rishworld 6 years ago from Dreammie Kreatiw World..

Awesome.. Well picturised.. U hv a very gud quality of how to describe thngs...

well im very new in this world of hub pages.. if you like you can read 'my beautiful fantasy' by me.. I think u'll enjoy it.. N also u can giv some tips to me... njoy


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Oh - My - GAWD, Wayne - you definitely are on a roll and you have me laughing and giggling. I should have put those in as part of the hub! I guess now they are. Funny stuff yourself and thanks for the read! My Bob is one heck of a very good sport is all I can say!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

You know what Confucius might have said here, "Man who have sex in pantry soon get ass in jam" or "Man who have sex in backyard have nasty crack up", or "Naked people never know when the lights come on!" That was one time that it might have been good to be a tree-hugger. Everyone could have used a good stiff one after that excitement! Remember, you can never be too rigid when it comes to sex. Confucius also say "Woman who think bout sex in backyard soon have slip up." and "Woman who yell for 69 not want beef and broccoli!" You got me on a roll now just thinking about a roll! How can I get off...this subject? Funny stuff...thanks for sharing! WB


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks for stopping by and for the read, divacratus - that's what I was hoping for!


divacratus profile image

divacratus 6 years ago from India

This was hilarious! A great relief from all the serious hubs that I have been reading recently!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks so much for the banter, Sligobay - my husband Bob is a prince in many respects and always laughs along with me. Thanks for the giggles in return~!


sligobay profile image

sligobay 6 years ago from east of the equator

Truly titilating tale that takes two to tell. Bob is a sport to let this secret slip from the silky sheets, to the Chi Town yard, to the Chinese ministry, to cyberspace, and then to infinity and beyond. Oprah at Harpo may yet make you a feature story on female sexuality during her final season. Of course, Dr. Phil would then need to psychoanalyze this fun and funny fetish. Phenomenal fable of the first order, I must admit. Your metaphor was mighty naughty, so to speak.

Glad you could "grab the bull by the horns" when all was said and done. I salute you and stand in awe of your perfect prose. Cheers.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks for the read, Mr. A!


MrAungst profile image

MrAungst 6 years ago from Penna

I about pissed myself laughing when I read this, very funny.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks CM - yet another of my Audrey moments! Glad to give you a laugh or two.


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 6 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

hahaha... I don't know how I missed this one.. very funny!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks, Dawn - they probably put up with us because through it all, we are 'alike' yet different - and in my hubby's and my case, we fit well together on many different levels!


dawnM profile image

dawnM 6 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

great article, so cute hearing a woman for once who wants her man, quite refreshing to say the least. women and their libedo I could talk about it all day. We woman continue to drive men nuts I just don't know how they put up with us half the time!!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks, Arthur - I think!


Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago

Hey akirchner,

That reminds me of the time I seduced my husband into the backyard while the kids were asleep. But just as the train was about to enter the tunnel, someone threw on the lights! And then there were Asians and a dog in a clown suit.

Yeah, but seriously, great story! hehehe And told so vividly! I could almost feel your husband's lovestaff. I like the story so much, I'm stealing it. Even though I'm a guy and not married. And I decided to embellish a little with the dog--it's all a part of the storytelling tradition. I think I might add a wizard with a mysterious forehead scar as well. ;)

Cheers!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks very much lesterd2009 for reading and commenting. I do enjoy reliving my humorous moments, especially if I make someone else laugh.


lesterd2009 profile image

lesterd2009 6 years ago from Beaches Of Florida

That was hilarious, great story telling and humorous writing, my girlfriend seems to think like you in many ways when in comes to crazy moments like that..

really enjoyed reading it thank you..


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks Kael Myril!


Kael Myril profile image

Kael Myril 6 years ago from Tacoma, WA

Very nice!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Too funny epigramman! Thanks for stopping in.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 6 years ago

Coitus interruptus - when someone bothers me as I am reading one of your fine fine hubs!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks so much The Man With No Pants!


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 6 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Awesome hub. keep em coming!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks coolchakri.


coolchakri 6 years ago

nice article


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Oh my goodness is right - thanks so much for stopping in, msannec....unfortunately there are many more tales to be told as I crash through life rather comically!


msannec profile image

msannec 6 years ago from Mississippi (The Delta)

Oh my goodness! Great story, and I love the way you tell it. Thanks for sharing your adventures!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks so much for reading, Prasetio and thanks for the thumbs up as well.


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

I learn much from this hub. Although I never doing sex before. I'll bookmark this story..very funny indeed. thumbs up for you. Peace:)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks for reading - that makes it all worthwhile - and all of it is true which makes me laugh every time I remember it.


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

That was hilarious. Thanks for writing, and having such a way with words.

Namaste.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks so much viryabo - that is my goal when I write these 'true life' Audrey episodes. If I can make you laugh, then I'm happy! Thanks for stopping in!


viryabo profile image

viryabo 6 years ago

I've been laughing so hard, i needed to breathe for a few minutes, before i could continue. This is the best. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Still cant stop laughing. Since you make me laugh so much, and laughing heartily is good for the body (and soul), i'm following you.

Great article akirchner.

Cheers.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks so much for commenting We5 - it pays to be spontaneous and I'm still sticking with that thought!


WE5 profile image

WE5 6 years ago

Great Hub! My wife and I are similar...she's eight years my junior and we've got three kids. Several summers ago we had a wading pool in the back yard and did the midnight dip thing...her idea. We didn't have a big surprise ending like you did but it was exciting none the less! Very well written.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

It happened more years ago than I'd like to admit to but ya know - it's still all there and it's still all about the love. The guy is the deal - or the woman and once you find it, to coin that word - priceless. I'm wishing you the very same happiness because it is the healer of all time.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

That happened to me last night! I wish! Great story! Thank you Ma'am!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks, Nell - that is in fact my goal - so good job all the way around....thanks for always stopping by! It is one of the things I love most about Bob - he's just such a good sport - and also such a good subject because we have had the best of times together.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Audrey, OMG that was hilarious! Bob splattered against the wall! hee hee I could see it all. I will be giggling all night now! definitely rated. If you have got this twice, it was because I was laughing, and hit a wrong button, the computer went wrong and I had to start again! see what happens when you make me laugh! thanks nell


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Definitely a keeper! Thanks for stopping by, Katie..and yes on the kids - FAR better to suffer a little embarrassment than do permanent life-altering damage!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

akirchner, Bob is def a keeper, good thing he didn't break anything and better them than the kids right? Peace :)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

That is too hilarious - especially the part about us being Angelina and Brad...you got it though on the share! Most definitely will send your cut right along. Oy vey - my life is but one episode after the other but that's a good thing....always raw material to work with. Thanks so much for stopping by.


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Audrey - now you have me fantasizing. I see this entire hilarious scenario as a follow-up comedy sequel to the film, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," with Angelina as you and Brad as Bob.

If you sell the script to Brangelina, don't thank me - just send me my share.

Thanks for the funny, funny read.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Darlene - thanks so much and I know - now Bob is famous! He is such a good sport to let me write about it. It truly was one of my favorite moments.

Holle - maybe we are living in a parallel universe! I think that's why Bob and I fit so well together - so to speak!

De Greek - I'm honored if I could make you laugh - thanks!

JamaGenee - Thanks so much for commenting and for the kudos.. you know when you are writing and you never know if you are 'hitting it' or not? I often worry about it but having folks like you give positive feedback really makes it all worthwhile!

Thanks so much for commenting, James! Glad you enjoyed it and I do have so many more crazy tales although that was one of my favorites.

Gypsy Willow - thanks very much for stopping by and glad you enjoyed it. I believe that there is nothing better in life than a giggle or two.....and love.


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 6 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

So funny, well done!


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

What fun! This is a great story that I enjoyed reading thoroughly. You surely know how to keep a reader's attention. Well done!


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 6 years ago from Central Oklahoma

ROTFL! You have a wonderful gift for story telling! I'll be snickering about this one for DAYS! Mostly from picturing Bob plastered to the side of the house "like a bug". Tooooooo funnnnny!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

You have made me LOUGH child! Bless you :-)


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

GREAT story! I can actually picture it (sorry!) You sound so much like me, and Bob sounds like Johnny. I swear, it's uncanny!


Darlene Sabella profile image

Darlene Sabella 6 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

OMG, LMAO....I have never laughed so hard in a long time. Oh my dear friend, you do tell a great story and as clear as a bell I was watching the whole think...so now you have been seen by more then your neighbors for I too have seen you...LOL This is a large vote up with the best writing I have witnessed. LOL all the way to the full Monty....

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