Signs That You Are No Longer Young
The other day I was putting away some dishes when I opened a cabinet to find a full bottle of unopened vodka. Dust had collected just under the neck, and I tried to remember when or why I had bought it.
Oh that’s right, Cinco De Mayo….last year.
Yep, it seems that the missus and I had big plans involving Vodka and the blender. Maybe we got tired. Maybe we got busy. Maybe we just forgot.
Years ago, if I bought booze, it was solely with the intent of drinking the bottle until it was empty. What’s the point of a liquor cabinet? I used to think. Ah the joys of youth.
Now in the latter part of my thirties, this is no longer the case. There are things to do and responsibility calls.
Other Examples That You Are No Spring Chicken:
You have to set the DVR for programs airing after 10pm. - That and the fact that you use the word programs.
After 5pm, pajamas are fair game.
Food-titled nights have replaced drink-titled nights. You know, when Margarita night becomes Taco night.
You’re movie quotes fall on deaf ears – An Ace Ventura quote is only as good as its audience, so if you’re quoting Ferris Bueler’s Day Off or The Breakfast Club to a college intern, expect looks of bewilderment.
Rolling Stone becomes Reader’s Digest. Or the fact that you still receive physical magazines.
You shake your head at new fads such as Gangum style. Because MC Hammer set the bar so high.
You're still hanging on to that yahoo account. In 2000, your limpbiscuitrocks@yahoo account was a great way to stay in touch with family and friends. Today you just unknowingly cram their inboxes with spam.
Your body begins to creak - Playing basketball, I'm so proud of myself as I keep up with the younger guys on the court. The next morning I hobble out of bed on rickety ankles and a stiff back.
Eating fast food comes with consequences In my twenties I could eat two BigMacs and wash it down with a 5 gallon bucket of sweet tea. The last time I ate fast food I thought I had been poisoned.
You realize that you don’t know all that much. In my youth, there were causes and solutions to the problems of the world, and I had all of the answers. Today I know that I know very little.
You watch an athlete give his hall of fame induction speech and remember the day he was drafted. – This means you’re only a few short years away from attending minor league baseball games and keeping your own stats.
Phrases such as I don’t know what’s wrong with kids today have entered your vernacular. - You're one step away from Get off my lawn!
You laugh out loud when invited to see a band on a weeknight. Or a weekend for some of us.
You refer to the power source in your car as the cigarette lighter – Are you also stomping on the floor in effort to flash your high beams?
You use phrases such as Here's a quarter, call someone who cares, or Hang up the phone. - This makes no sense to anyone under 25.
Through The Years...
It's snowing, Sweet!
Great, I'm going to be late for work.
I hear Florida's nice...
That show was sick.
That concert was loud.
I'm sick of loud concerts.
I love SNL
What night does SNL come on?
SNL hasn't been funny in twenty years.
I'm expressing myself
I'll have an expresso
What expression? This is my face.
I really need to adjust the tracking on my VCR.
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