Signs That You Are No Longer Young

The other day I was putting away some dishes when I opened a cabinet to find a full bottle of unopened vodka. Dust had collected just under the neck, and I tried to remember when or why I had bought it.

Oh that’s right, Cinco De Mayo….last year.

Yep, it seems that the missus and I had big plans involving Vodka and the blender. Maybe we got tired. Maybe we got busy. Maybe we just forgot.

Years ago, if I bought booze, it was solely with the intent of drinking the bottle until it was empty. What’s the point of a liquor cabinet? I used to think. Ah the joys of youth.

Now in the latter part of my thirties, this is no longer the case. There are things to do and responsibility calls.

Other Examples That You Are No Spring Chicken:


You have to set the DVR for programs airing after 10pm. - That and the fact that you use the word programs.

After 5pm, pajamas are fair game.

Food-titled nights have replaced drink-titled nights. You know, when Margarita night becomes Taco night.

You’re movie quotes fall on deaf ears – An Ace Ventura quote is only as good as its audience, so if you’re quoting Ferris Bueler’s Day Off or The Breakfast Club to a college intern, expect looks of bewilderment.

Rolling Stone becomes Reader’s Digest. Or the fact that you still receive physical magazines.

You shake your head at new fads such as Gangum style. Because MC Hammer set the bar so high.

You're still hanging on to that yahoo account. In 2000, your limpbiscuitrocks@yahoo account was a great way to stay in touch with family and friends. Today you just unknowingly cram their inboxes with spam.

Your body begins to creak - Playing basketball, I'm so proud of myself as I keep up with the younger guys on the court. The next morning I hobble out of bed on rickety ankles and a stiff back.

Eating fast food comes with consequences In my twenties I could eat two BigMacs and wash it down with a 5 gallon bucket of sweet tea. The last time I ate fast food I thought I had been poisoned.

You realize that you don’t know all that much. In my youth, there were causes and solutions to the problems of the world, and I had all of the answers. Today I know that I know very little.

You watch an athlete give his hall of fame induction speech and remember the day he was drafted. – This means you’re only a few short years away from attending minor league baseball games and keeping your own stats.

Phrases such as I don’t know what’s wrong with kids today have entered your vernacular. - You're one step away from Get off my lawn!

You laugh out loud when invited to see a band on a weeknight. Or a weekend for some of us.

You refer to the power source in your car as the cigarette lighter – Are you also stomping on the floor in effort to flash your high beams?

You use phrases such as Here's a quarter, call someone who cares, or Hang up the phone. - This makes no sense to anyone under 25.


Through The Years...

20's
30's
40's
It's snowing, Sweet!
Great, I'm going to be late for work.
I hear Florida's nice...
That show was sick.
That concert was loud.
I'm sick of loud concerts.
I love SNL
What night does SNL come on?
SNL hasn't been funny in twenty years.
I'm expressing myself
I'll have an expresso
What expression? This is my face.
Ear Buds
Ear Plugs
Ear Horn
The Movies
The Theatre
The Nap
Tweet
Email
Letter
WIFI
DVD
I really need to adjust the tracking on my VCR.
Kindle
Books
Kindle (Large Font Software Edition)
The above table is not scientific and meant for comedic purposes and is not intended to offend people over 40, although they probably cannot read the fine print anyway.

Going Back

Would you like to turn back the clock?

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Comments 27 comments

tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 3 years ago from New York

I only voted funny for this because it is so ironic and on point. I am a tad older than you and I remember when a phone call was ten cents, never mind a quarter and I do remember the dimmer on the floor of the car. Your table is hysterically true as well. Great job Weestro.

Voted up, useful, funny, and interesting.


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

I must say that a dime was before my time Mary! Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate the votes!


Gawth profile image

Gawth 3 years ago from Millboro, Virginia

Hey friend, it gets more involved. You've only begun the journey. At 60 I noticed I could remember something that happened 50 years before but had no idea where I laid my glasses or car keys. Great Hub. Thanks for a good laugh!


xstatic profile image

xstatic 3 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

Oh yes! It gets better and better. This is very funny and well done. That dimmer on the floor was a great innovation! Up!


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 3 years ago from Hereford, AZ

Funny, but my Kindle has adjustable sized font. I did just get a new computer with a 20 inch screen so the writing would be larger. Wait until you have lost your glasses and find them on your head.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 3 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Am I the only one that remembers 'party lines'. When I was a kid, I thought picking up the phone and listening to the neighbors converstions was such a hoot! And we only had 4 digit phone numbers, oh my! I AM getting old. Carp.

This was terribly funny though. Thanks for the yucks - voted up and sharing with those modern social things, you know, FB and Twit.


Mr Deltoid 1966 profile image

Mr Deltoid 1966 3 years ago from New Jersey

Like my friend always tells me......its tough to be an angry young man, when you need 8 hours sleep every night.


Efficient Admin profile image

Efficient Admin 3 years ago from Charlotte, NC

I am a bit older than you Weestro but yep all of these ring a bell for me. I was telling someone the other day when I hear a song from the late 70s thru 80s, I can name the song and the band. Anything after 1990 I don't have a clue. When I was growing up we didn't have a microwave or dishwasher either! These were spot on, voted up and across.


cheaptrick profile image

cheaptrick 3 years ago from the bridge of sighs

They[whoever they is]say your only as old as you feel....

If that's true...I believe in the third grade I sat right behind Moses.

Also,they[there it is again]say women age like fine wine....Well I can tell you that men age like Milk....we get all lumpy and sour...


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks for readig Gawth, and I'm sure I'll get there soon enough!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Xstatic! Glad you enjoyed it!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Sounds pretty high tech Becky, thanks!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

I must say that I don't know about that one Austinstar! I came up just as Rotary phones were giving away to the pushbuttons! Thanks for stopping by!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Haha, nice one Mr Deltoid! Thanks!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

You're not missing much musically Efficient! I'm a product of the microwave so maybe that explains a lot!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Haha, say it isn't so cheaptrick!


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 3 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

Funny stuff! I'm still young but some things I hear now make me feel old. Like talking about One Direction and stuff when I remember listening to N'Sync- but I guess every generation has a, "Man I'm old moment." I think I'm getting closer because now me knee hurts when it rains! Great hub!


CrisSp profile image

CrisSp 3 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

Ouch! This middle age hubber is hurt by some truth on this hub! Lol! So funny! I like "expresso" through the years and the "kindle" large font please. *chuckle*

Good job!


tattuwurn 3 years ago

I could hear myself saying "What's wrong with kids today?", though I'm only 33. And I am still hanging on to my Yahoo mail account (and Yahoo Messenger is still my preferred IM tool despite having Skype -- I think I'm getting used to it and all of my contacts are there and still using that too). The infancy of getting old (hahaha so oxymoronic), I'm just getting there. Voted up and funny. :)


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks CrisSp, glad you enjoyed it!


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Me too tattuwurn, me too! Thanks for reading!


lrc7815 profile image

lrc7815 3 years ago from Central Virginia

This was so much fun to read and so true that it's almost frightening. I do have one bit of caution for you though. Just wait until you're over 50. lol Can't wait to see what you'll be writing about at that point.


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Irc, I look forward to it! Well, sort of anyways!


Escobana profile image

Escobana 3 years ago from Valencia

Weestro, how I love your sense of humor and how odd you never mentioned anything about wrinkles:-)

McHammer rocks, PJ's until 15 pm, going to a bar instead of going to a club and falling for the really young, attractive boys who like to hang out with mature women.

Refreshing Hub, voted up, funny and sharing for sure!


torrilynn profile image

torrilynn 3 years ago

weestro,

I would say that there would be quite a few

signs that you are no longer young

such as running out of breath and being unable to

do something you use to do all of the time

Voted up


weestro profile image

weestro 3 years ago from Virginia Author

Well yeah, I'll add that one to the list.


SonQuioey10 profile image

SonQuioey10 3 years ago from Williamston NC

Very Funny. A lot of those do apply to me but a lot don't. Those are definitely dead-on though. Great hub.

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