Fifteen Ways to Save on Fuel, While Being a General Nuisance and Road Menace.

Pass  gas altogether by riding your bike
Pass gas altogether by riding your bike | Source

This article has been specifically titled to warn people that the advice is NOT to be taken seriously Please read this specific DISCLAIMER :

"Do NOT take this advice seriously. Doing so could result in severe side effects, like severe injury and severe death.

People who are desperately looking for ways to increase car mileage and save on gasoline may want to consider the following suggestions. (Then again, maybe not.)

Suggestions for Starting Up and Starting Out

  • If you can, park atop a hill or a ski ramp, so you can get the car rolling without using any gas at all. Avoid any catapult device unless you are very skilled and traffic is light.

  • Don't waste gas by revving your engine when you start, or by stomping down on the pedal. Your gas pedal should barely notice you are adding foot pressure to it. Place two or three grapes or a chocolate cupcake between your foot and the pedal to moderate pressure. This means you will start out at less than walking speed and gradually increase to 10 mph in the first several minutes, slowly bringing the rate up. If the grapes break, or frosting squishes out, you are pushing too hard.
  • An alternative to the above suggestion is to follow your 106 year-old neighbor to the store. He uses the grapes.
  • Avoid stop-and-go driving. Once you get rolling you want momentum to do most of the work. Use brakes only in life-threatening conditions.

Source

Filling Up

  • Fill your tank only about half full. This has three advantages. The first is weight reduction. A gallon of fuel weighs about eight pounds. The second advantage is that it will delude you into thinking that you are not paying as much, even if you fuel up twice as often. The third is you will occasionally run out of gas and need to get someone to push you to the station. This can save a lot; your car uses no fuel when being pushed.
  • Refuel when it is cold, like in the wee hours of the morning, the dead of winter or in Nome, Alaska. Some people think that liquid fuel is more condensed when it is cold because the molecules huddle closer together. This is a hoax, because underground fuel tanks are always cool. The only way to condense gasoline is to squeeze the nozzle tip as you are dispensing it. (Don't let other people see you doing this, and don't let them know where you heard this.)
  • Shop at stores that offer cents off of your gas purchases for every $100 you spend with them. By spending far more than you really need to at their store, you could save from three to ten cents a gallon on your fill up. This often results in saving over a dollar on a tankful that costs you $68.94 a savings of almost .4 %.

Source

On the Road

=========================
SECOND DISCLAIMER :

If some of these suggestions sound specifically stupid, it is because . . . they are. Please go back and read the first disclaimer if you are not sure.
=========================


  • Travel at a low steady rate of speed. This will greatly annoy the drivers in back of you, and disrupt traffic flow. But heck, you are saving them gas as well. Keep calm, so you don't inadvertently depress your gas pedal excessively when other drivers become annoyed with you.


  • Pick the shortest route to your destination. If it is across your neighbors property, a secured nuclear facility or restricted military installation, proceed with extreme caution and stealth.


  • Coast. Pick downhill routes for ALL of your destinations. The less you actually step on the gas pedal, the more gas you will save. This tip is most beneficial if you also pick downhill routes for your return trip. (Think about it.)


  • Check the direction of the wind. Drive with the wind pushing you and not into it. Using a sail is not recommended, as it is very distracting and can work against you in a tornado.


Air and Aerodynamics.

  • Roll windows down to avoid using the air conditioner, but keep them up to reduce drag. You might want to keep them up on one side and down on the other if you are unsure.


  • Drive at higher altitudes whenever possible. The air is less dense up in the mountains and on the high plains. Cutting through thinner air results in less air resistance than driving at sea level. Don't drive through water or underwater at any altitude, this just wrenches everything up badly.


  • Avoid high speed car chases. At slower speeds air resistance is not so significant, but above 60 mph your engine has to work harder and burn more fuel to push through the atmosphere. If you are being chased, you might want to consider a cloaking or levitation device rather than fuel-wasting high speeds.

Source
  • Lighten the load in your car. Carrying around a lot of unnecessary junk and extra passengers in your vehicle makes the engine work harder and causes it to gulp more gas. Reduce the weight of your vehicle by emptying the trunk. You never use those tools anyway. Carry a roadside service number or one of those onboard help messengers, with you if you need mechanical assistance - and ask them to bring a spare tire and jack, because you have removed yours. Also take out the floor mats, radio, back seats, passenger seat, any passengers, tissue box, old burger wrappers and anything else you can. If your mother-in-law needs a ride to the dentist she will have to find some other way.

============
[Third Disclaimer: If you have read this far, I hope you are NOT taking notes. If you ARE taking notes, re-read the above two disclaimers.]

Drive. Park. Walk.

  • Don't waste gas by looking for a closer space in a parking area. In fact, what you really should do is stop and park at least 440 yards from any final destination, and walk the rest of the way to work, the store , or emergency room of the hospital-- wherever you happen to be going.


Of course, you will also walk back, (unless you are in a body cast from visiting the emergency room). If you have merely been shopping and bought a lot of stuff at a store, hopefully you can get one of those helpful assistants to help push your cart back to your parking spot. If you can get them to push with you in the cart, even better.

Since there are 1760 yards in a mile, it means you will be driving one half mile less for each trip. Fewer miles means less gas used. If you do this three times a week you will cut 78 miles off your total yearly distance and increase your cardio-vascular stamina.

If you do it every day for work, you will be late occasionally, but may save over 120 miles a year which could add up 20 or 25 dollars in gas savings which will come in handy when you have lost your job for being late.

You will also save by not having to drive to a job.
===========

More by this Author


94 comments

My Stories profile image

My Stories 5 years ago

This was so funny. I needed a laugh today.


Billrrrr profile image

Billrrrr 5 years ago from Cape Cod

Sad to say, I have done most of your recommendations. My favorite is coasting - no matter how much traffic is behind me.

In high school and for years afterward I always put in One dollar's worth of gas. Finally when that only bought about a gallon, I went to five dollars. After a few more rounds of price increases I started putting in ten dollars worth at every trip to the station. Now I am up to twenty dollars and I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AM NOT GOING TO START PUTTING IN FIFTY DOLLARS EACH TIME, so they better stop hiking the prices.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, My Stories-- and welcome to HubPages.

Billrrr, I remember well, only a couple of years ago, the first time those little spinning numbers went over $25. That was a shock, and now it doesn't make us blink twice. When I was in HS I remember one time when my friends and I scraped together 48c so we could replenish the gas in Dad's car-- so he wouldn't think we had been driving all over town.

I don't even think it's possible to put under a dollar's worth in anymore. The numbers go too fast, and you can't let go of the lever in a fraction of a second.


hawkdad73 profile image

hawkdad73 5 years ago from Riverside, Iowa

Loved it.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks, Hawkdad73. Hope you are not using too many of these suggestions.


DonnaCSmith profile image

DonnaCSmith 5 years ago from Central North Carolina

Funny:o)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Donna.

If anyone wants to buy a Tee shirt, click on the link under the picture. My son sells them, and though I flinch a bit at the message, I appreciate his tri-bike obsession and am glad that OPEC is not the only one making money on gas.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica

Hi Rochelle, have you read this hub? How long did it take you to write it? If you found it half as funny as I did it must have taken you hours as it did me to read it, my eyes were watering so much from laughter it took me about an hour to finish it. I was laughing so hard, I choked and started coughing.

By the way I'm still laughing. I'm sending it to my friend.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Yes, I have read it -- a few times. I don't know how long it took me. I guess I began thinking about it when I went to do some grocery shopping last week. I live about 15 miles from town at an elevation that is about 1,300 ft higher than the town.

I was checking the gas mileage indicator and marveling at the fact that I got so much better mileage on the way down. Also, when I got to the store, the lot was full and I circled around it twice-- thinking it would have been better to have parked and walked.

Sorry about your symptoms of hysterical distress (though I appreciate them). Hope you have fully recovered.


Reprieve26 profile image

Reprieve26 5 years ago from Oregon Coast

This was just too funny! You must've had a lot of fun writing it! I loved all of the disclaimers! ;)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Reprieve26. Yes it was fun. I used to post more of this kind of thing-- but have gotten way too serious lately.

The disclaimers? Yes I felt I needed them.

On some of my older silly hubs, that had stupid suggestions, I always got a few comments from people who took them seriously and called them "stupid suggestions". (Of course!)

In fact, maybe I have to go back to some of them and add disclaimers.


writeronline 5 years ago

Loved this, Rochelle, it's not often you can put 'gas prices' and 'laugh' in the same sentence, let alone a complete article...

Re the negative comments on some of your earlier hubs; after McDonald's was forced to put "Caution. Contents extremely hot, may burn." onto their takeout coffee containers because some idiot dropped theirs in their lap, and sued, I've felt that 'stupid' and 'customer' go together much better than 'stupid' and 'suggestion'.

Yet the rest of us have to grin and bear it.

So,ignore the stupid comments (lol) keep the real laughs coming, please!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks, writeronline. I appreciate your comments. The negative remarks are from humorless grumps who didn't really get it. Thankfully there are few, but I am beginning to appreciate the usefulness of disclaimers.


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

They really screwing our neck with damm petrol.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Somebody must be making money.


Phil Plasma profile image

Phil Plasma 5 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

Excellent calibre of inane hub, thanks for sharing!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Phil. That's a great compliment from someone who understands inaneness and its benefits.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

Rochelle, as I believe you know, I have spent the last 25 years earning my wages in the automotive field. So, as a professional, I feel compelled to correct a mistake in your otherwise excellent list of recommendations. While most of your advice is spot on accurate, I would like to say that your advice about car chases is completely wrong, and you should consider revising it. A high speed car chase can be highly fuel efficient, as evidenced by drivers like Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel or Jason Statham, who can rage through streets and allies, spend half the time in the air after cresting hills and THEN, when it really matters, can jump onto busses, trains and even into helicopters and air planes, at which time they are using zero fuel at all. SO, as you can see, you are clearly incorrect advising people to avoid high speed car chases and should be--if you really want to help people maximize their fuel economy--recommending high speed chases whenever possible.

:D

OH, and LOLOLOL @ lightening the load by "take out the floor mats, radio, back seats, passenger seat, any passengers,..." Yeah, I like how you kind of snuck that passengers thing in the middle of that list. Sneaky sneaky. Funny too. :)


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas

I was laughing when it suddenly dawned on me that I believe some people are actually doing these things...then my heart was struck with fear. Perhaps a "disclaimer" should be included in this writing...whatdaya think? LOL! WB


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Shades, you may be right about the airborne chases. I don't go to those movies, so I'm not familiar with those tactics . . . but don't they usually end up in some kind of flaming crash that burns a lot of fuel?

As for the passengers in the middle, that kind of goes without saying. Besides, it's hard to talk on your cell phone when you have passengers yelling stuff like, "Hit the brakes!!", when you are saving gas.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Wayne, I am strongly considering adding disclaimers to this and to a lot of my hubs. Now everyone will think it was your idea, or they will think you didn't read before commenting.


Ruby H Rose profile image

Ruby H Rose 5 years ago from Northwest Washington on an Island

Great article, great laughs, funny but the disclaimers got my vote too! Caught my attention the way you put them throughout the funniest parts, I will be laughing in my sleep, thanks a million!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Ruby H Rose. Hope you didn't wake anyone up.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

Rochelle, while you are correct that on occasion the fuel may ignite and even explode, thus using it all, you have to consider that, if you have leapt your car into a plane while driving in, say, California, and you end up in, say New York, you have gotten a great deal farther on one tank of gas than you would have with conventional, responsible driving. That's all I'm saying.

:)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

You are right again, Shadesbreath. Even though I was just going to the store, 3,000 miles and some third degree burns on one tankful is pretty impressive.


rgarnett profile image

rgarnett 5 years ago from KC, MO

This is awesome! Great hub for a laugh! :)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you very much, rgarnett. Very kind of you to comment.


CASE1WORKER profile image

CASE1WORKER 5 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

thanks for this- i have a perverse pleasure on long distance trips to see how many miles I can get to the gallon- With our fuel at £1.30 a litre we watch it all the time- i particularly liked the tip to park away, or better still why not walk all the way!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I hope you don't take all of these to heart, but the walking does make some sense. Unfortunately, I live a 25 minute drive away from the nearest shopping. When I lived in the suburbs I literally lived adjacent to a supermarket-- and went way too often, but did save gas.


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 5 years ago from The Other Bangor

I'm glad to see that someone else besides me is careful about gasoline use. I take my gas out of the car at night, and store it in the refrigerator--that way, I know it's fresh. And that no one has stolen it.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you for sharing, Teresa. I thought of that too, but if I put it in a milk carton someone will pour it on their cereal. I found it is a lot easier to keep you gas fresh by putting a few ice cubes in the tank.


CMCastro profile image

CMCastro 5 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

A sense of humor will ease the mind, keep one cheerful and keep the blood pressure down. It is good to take a practical advice and not feel gloomy about it. I hope that the gas prices go down a dollar. :)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you CMCastro, I hope it goes down two dollars, but I doubt it will.


johnmossy 5 years ago

Let me tell you a story about fuel saving: In a final, desperate attempt to save on fuel costs, my uncle sold his car and bought an ole mule ,complete with free saddle.This proved to be a big, big ,winner. Not alone was he saving big-time, but he was attracting lots of attention from young ladies who waved to him as he rode into town..

However, he realised after a time, he still had to buy food for ole mule.

This setback warranted serious consideration.

The solution, like all great ideas, was both ingenious and simple.

He would train the mule to live without food.

Unfortunately ole mule died just when training was almost finished..


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for sharing your story. A shame about the mule. Aren't mules hybrids?-- You'd think they would go further on less fuel. :-)


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

Brilliant idea and really useful for us. Thank you very much for writing and share this advice. Rated up!

Prasetio


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Glad to be of help (and I hope you are just playing along).


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you very much platinumOwl14. It must be an owlish sense of humor.


Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

For some time now, I have followed your advice about ALL trips being downhill. I have needed to move a dozen times in order to accommodate this gas saving technique.

Unfortunately, in the current economy, selling each of the houses has proven difficult. I have lost several million dollars, but it is a small price to pay for fuel efficiency.

While it has worked overall, I am now living at sea level.

Short of moving to New Orleans, I am unsure how to proceed.

Please advise.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

The only thing I can suggest, Greg, is going to Death Valley. It's not the greatest place in the summer, but when the seasons change-- and especially when the polarity shift changes, you may be able to get the "downhill in both directions" going in your favor. As I said, that is the key.


Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 5 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

Some fine ideas there. You could also consider reducing dead weight by getting rid of all the seats, the dashboard, trims etc. And of course driving in the nude helps too.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon

Funny - though very appropriate in other cases - like making the load lighter~ Love a sense of humor any day anywhere!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Yes to both of you, Paraglider and akirchner. Reducing the weight can help. I hate to make the children walk, and sometimes if I try to drive before having a meal, i end up buying more weight in groceries.

I appreciate your suggestions, though. I'm still thinking about driving nude-- maybe I'll start with barefoot driving.


cwarden profile image

cwarden 5 years ago from USA

This is such an excellent hub! I really loved: "Roll windows down to avoid using the air conditioner, but keep them up to reduce drag. You might want to keep them up on one side and down on the other if you are unsure" I am always trying to remember which is best - so I will just follow your advice here! Thanks!!!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Good, cwarden, I'm glad you were enlightened. It may depend upon which way the wind is blowing, or upon how hot it really is.


builtoncupsoftea profile image

builtoncupsoftea 5 years ago

Very funny Hub, you've got a clever sense of humour. Particularly a fan of "If your mother in law needs a ride to the dentist she will have to find some other way." - I'll gladly help reduce my carbon-footprint now, I'm learning of upsides I never even thought of.


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

Excellent tips on saving fuel. I was aware of some of these but reading them from a real expert gives me the confidence to go and there and try them out. You didn't specify whether green or red grapes were preferred so I'll just wing that bit.

As an extra tip I think hitting soft things is probably better than using the brakes at all, there's a chance you can just roll over the obstacle and continue on your way.

One very minor point about coasting downhill with the engine switched off - this can cause the power steering and power assisted brakes to be off - as I say it's a minor detail.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, buitoncupsoftea. Glad it was helpful.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for reading, Mark.

Color of the grape is not important, but they should be table grapes, not wine grapes. Don't want to have any DUI complications from having the officer thinking you are stomping them.

Hitting soft things-- good idea. Dense hedges or topiary landscaping could slow your car without doing too much damage to the vehicle.

I was thinking of coasting with the engine on-- but you have taken things to a new level of gas saving, and since you will be traveling downhill and not using brakes most of the time. It makes some sense.


cathylynn99 profile image

cathylynn99 5 years ago from northeastern US

enjoyed your whimsy. there are folks who actually do similar things to what you describe. they get unheard of mileage per gallon and are called extreme something-or-others. "Mother Jones" magazine had a feature article dedicated to them a few years ago.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Extremists almost always get someone in trouble-- usually themselves. Thanks for the comment , cathylynn.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

Very funny article...great suggestions! :)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, justateacher. Let me know how they work for you.


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Rochelle this Hub could put Saudi Arabia right out of business! Brilliantly funny.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Woody Marx. Another unintended consequence-- though maybe they should have the experience of being in the same boat as other nations.


seanorjohn profile image

seanorjohn 5 years ago

Rochelle, you have made me realise I should put a disclaimer on many of my hubs. I loved the getting people to push the car to save on petrol. It reminded me of when a very helpful postman used to help me bump start my car throughout the winter months. It hardly seemed worth it to pay to get the car fixed. So I didn't. Voted up


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Seanorjohn, I got tired of people taking my silly-side hubs seriously and calling me an idiot. I don't mind, so much, being called an idiot, but I thought that anyone taking this advice seriously might cause a fatality.

Thanks for your supportive comment. You have a nice postman.


Cloverleaf profile image

Cloverleaf 5 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

Hi Rochelle, great hub, love the disclaimers and the outrageous tips! Reading this did make me realize that I've been driving round for months with a box full of tennis balls in my trunk (don't ask me why), and I don't even play tennis. Time to find another home for them, I think.

Rated up/funny!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Tennis balls? They are not very heavy are they? Maybe if you filled them with helium they would actually help. That give me another idea-- attach clusters of helium balloons to your car, tying them to door handles, bumpers, etc.

Thanks, Cloverleaf.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 5 years ago from North America

I've read this several times and like each more one one. Up and great!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Patty Inglish, MS. More people keep adding suggestons, too.


jean2011 profile image

jean2011 5 years ago from Canada

Very funny and witly written. Thank you.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, jean1011. Glad you enjoyed it.


Becky 5 years ago

My husband coasted our van for five miles on time with the engine turned off. We saved lots of money on that one. It wasn't too bad except on the curves. Of course, it had died and wouldn't start so we were kind of stuck with it. He bought me a bike and attached a wagon to it for trips to the grocery store. Now we don't buy gas at all. I don't have to worry about air conditioning or drag. It is very refreshing when it rains, and I save electricity because I don't have to use hot water for the shower or laundry. It is a bit difficult to get up the hill to our house but we all have to give a little.

Good hub, just thought I would give you a few more hints to save on gas.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I know someone who had their engine quit on a long downhill stretch of winding road. He decided to coast as far as possible since there was no help nearby. He got about 6 free miles out of it but had to walk the last mile to get help.

I used to ride my bike to the store a lot. It had two saddlebag baskets. Now I live about 16 miles from a store and coming home is all uphill about 1200 ft difference in elevation. I wouldn't make it.


lisa42 profile image

lisa42 5 years ago from Sacramento

Loved this! And I hope there was no one actually who needed those disclaimers... :-)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks, lisa42. I would hope so too, but I have written a few other hubs in a similar vein and was told that my stupid suggestions proved I was an idiot. I didn't mind that so much, but It taught me that there are some people who just don't get it. (They are not usually hubbers.)


Rachelle Williams profile image

Rachelle Williams 5 years ago from Tempe, AZ

I love the "I pass gas" t-shirt. Great hub!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for the comment, Rachelle.


laureate78 profile image

laureate78 5 years ago from Florida

My daughter actually thinks she saves on gas by rolling down the windows and cutting off the A/C! That part especially made me giggle! I would have her read this but would be afraid she would skip the disclaimers and take notes! My brother is the person that drives ten miles under the speed limit and takes 3 minutes to get going after stopping. I might have to direct him to this hub!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you for commenting, laureate78.

Maybe you could get them to make a scientific study pitting one strategy against another. The trouble is, once someone adopts a method which they believe to be effective, it's hard to get them to try another way.


ktrapp profile image

ktrapp 5 years ago from Illinois

Very, very funny - I especially liked the "I Pass Gas" t-shirt. Did you know that UPS optimized their routes so they make fewer left turns. Apparently there is less idling time if you aren't stuck in traffic trying to make a left and since idling uses a lot of fuel, this change saves them tons of money. I'm sure you could find a humorous way to advise your readers to only make right turns.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thankyou , ktrapp. I had an aunt who was a little nervous about driving. She only made right turns, even if she had to make three rights and go blocks out of her way to get where she was going.

Don't know if she saved on gas, but, yes, I have heard that about UPS.

I live in the foothills with miles and miles of a few winding roads. If I tried that strategy, I could easily end up hundreds of miles away.


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

What a great way to start the day. I nearly spilt my coffee while reading and laughing. I have to say, I can see some people taking this serious and following some of these ideas. It is a brilliant idea to add the disclaimers. (I had to do that with a few of my hubs when a hubber thought I was all about torchering kittens. I love kittens! I would never dream of torchering them.) Anyway, I think you have a hilarious hub that was enjoyable to begin my day with. Thanks for sharing this bit of humor.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, tipoague. I always appreciate someone who sees value in my silliness. Hope the rest of your day went well, too.


PhoenixV profile image

PhoenixV 5 years ago from USA

Probably one of the best hubs I have ever read. Frosting in your toes, driving through restricted military installations and if you are unsure roll one window up and one window down lol. Thank you so much for writing this it made my day:)


Lidian 5 years ago

Ideally you could get that shop assistant to just push you around in the cart instead of driving. Or they could push the car. And then you don't have to waste that delicious chocolate cupcake under the pedal, either.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country Author

PhoenixV what generous praise. I'm glad you appreciated the research that came out of my imagination.

Lidian, thanks to you also. Great ideas! Though I am trying to picture the assistant pushing me for 14 miles, uphill. That could take awhile.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

What a hoot! This is funny and I enjoyed a laugh tonight. Can't do much coasting downhill in Houston as it is so flat...so will just have to follow the grape and cupcake routine when applying the foot to the gas pedal to save on gas. Haha!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Peggy. You'd better get to baking those cupcakes.


Jon Kohan profile image

Jon Kohan 4 years ago from Pittsburgh Pa

i'm somewhat new to this site and have been reading article after article looking for something more my style and humor and i haven't really found that until now. this was great. a couple of time i did lol, really i laugh out loud. these are great tips to share with everyone.

Something I did notice, you stated about how you should plan all of your trips to go down hill, and also all of your return trips down hill as well but then later you say to stay at high elevations. I think you should combine those two statements together to really make people think.

anyways good read, and i feel sad for anybody those disclaimers apply to.

Jon


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Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you , Jon. I will look into your suggestion. Any enhancement of incongruity usually helps the lol factor.

I think laughter is emotionally enhancing. If you can contribute some, you are doing a humanitarian work.

There are others here... I have more hubs of this type (be careful, sometimes I am more serious.)

I think in an overall vote, the hubber aka Shadesbreath, will win hands down... but there are more... begin your search.

More importantly, begin your hubs. Everyone (almost) enjoys a laugh.

I appreciate your comment and will look for you.


RedElf profile image

RedElf 4 years ago from Canada

You brightened my evening with a much needed laugh! I thank you for your silly suggestions. Some years ago, I overheard a neighbour's child explaining we should use unleaded gas because, "regular gas has lead in it so it's heavier, and if we use unleaded gas, the car will be lighter, so it will use less gas, so we'll save money and help save the environment."

That "downhill only" suggestion reminds me of my grandfather's walks to school every morning, though his were, according to him, 5 miles uphill both ways. :D


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Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thank you, Red Elf... the leaded gas thing does kind of make sense, at least as much as the things I wrote. It also seems that Ethanol should make us lighter.


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SweetiePie 4 years ago from Southern California, USA

I have been to Death Valley summer, and their gas was always very expensive. They laugh at the tourists buying over priced stuff there as well, but that is to be expected. I was hoping to find the funny comments where people got offended about putting the cupcake on the accelerator, but I do not see it lol.


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Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country Author

Thanks for commenting, Sweetiepie. Yes when you are in certain places it is better to ask the locals, or the park employees where they buy gas. I live near Yosemite-- so you know gas is higher on the highway where it is easily seen by tourists. It is often quite a bit cheaper in the 'off the beaten track' stations where all the locals buy gas.

I forgot that this one one of those I used disclaimers on-- maybe that kept people from voiceing opinions on the cupcakes.

The one I wrote on the metric system really has some annoyed people thinking I am off my rocker.


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Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country Author

There is one station in our area that seems not too embarrassed to currently post a price of $4.55 a gallon, Making some of these suggestions seem less silly.


Venkatachari M profile image

Venkatachari M 2 years ago from Hyderabad, India

If you don't mind it, it is very silly and funny. Most of the tips brought me into laughters and enjoyed very much. Thanks for laughing me.


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Rochelle Frank 2 years ago from California Gold Country Author

I appreciate your comments very much, Venkatachari M. I also find it encouraging that people on opposite sides of this big old world can find humor in the same silly things.


Venkatachari M profile image

Venkatachari M 2 years ago from Hyderabad, India

Yes, humor is humor. It has no bounds. Carry on making people healthy by your humor. It is a great service too.


Yuri 21 months ago

In the colmaicpted world we live in, it's good to find simple solutions.


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Rochelle Frank 21 months ago from California Gold Country Author

Simple is always best when things get "colmaicpted".


Daniel 20 months ago

Yup, that'll do it. You have my apnaocirtiep.


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Rochelle Frank 4 months ago from California Gold Country Author

Sorry if you misplaced your apnaocirtiep. Really, I don't think I have it. I didn't see this comment originally, so perhaps you have found it again by now.

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    Rochelle Frank1,659 Followers
    114 Articles

    Rochelle Frank started writing humorous bits for her college newspaper. Her funny observations have continued in print and online.


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