Help! I'm living to Long

The other night I was watching a current debate on social security. They were discussing the merits of moving the retirement age upward because I'm living too long. Anyone who thinks I'm living too long gets my attention in a hurry. I have little hope in knowing that those who have no need for social security are now entrusted with finding a remedy for those of us that do.

The debate concluded that moving the retirement age forward could extend Social Security until the next crisis. This is from the brightest minds in Washington. If I work until I'm seventy, subtract whats left from my current life expectancy, throw in the current rate of inflation and adjust for the rising cost of health care, my retirement will be reduced to three days in my back yard.

I would be less cynical, but, they brought this upon themselves. They've been feeding me preservatives for sixty years and now I won't die when I'm suppose too. I don't understand what the're so worried about anyway. The rise in health care alone will offset any gain in longevity. The cost of prescriptions in this country exceed the budget for most small countries. The claim forms for my reimbursement require two interpreters, three lawyers and a roulette wheel. If I manage to get through that maze they tell me my condition is pre existing. Of course it is! If it didn't exist I wouldn't have gone to a doctor. I don't need insurance to pay for something I haven't got!

Enduring this absurd debate was bad enough, but, I also weathered twenty one, alternating commercials from the Scooter Store, Cialis and Viagra. By the time the debate was over I wanted erectile dysfunction just so I could take the pill and happy like everyone in the ad.. Why is the Scooter Store splitting time with Cialis and Viagra? Try and paint a retirement picture from that scenario!

The inability of congress to fix Social security leaves me a bit suspicious. Is it coincidental that just before the baby boomers arrive, a government agency reversed the food pyramid. I'm ready to retire and all I can afford is carrots and lettuce. Boy, did they see me coming. We're going to live an extra ten years, but, we can't afford a pot and they're trying to feed me twenty pounds of fiber everyday. The pot at the end of my rainbow is filled with vegetable soup. AAA is pushing "See America on a Scooter" and congress has my Winnebago.

The problem with Social Security is that it has been robbing from Peter to pay Paul for too long. Now Peter needs his money and Paul is at Club Med in the Bahamas. What really irritates me is that Paul has my Pina Colada and I'm stuck with carrot juice. Regardless of the implications that this failed system has brought to bear upon my life, I peruse the market daily in hopes that viagra will do its magic on my limp 401.

I don't want the Government taking care of me and I certainly don't want them deciding when I should die. I don't like carrot juice and at my age, I don't need a four hour erection that can only get in the way when trying to operate a Scooter safely.

Personally, I think Congress and Viagra are in cahoots with each other. How else do you explain someone perpetually "sticking it to us" and then wearing a smile for four hours?

Comments 28 comments

phdast7 profile image

phdast7 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Very, very clever. Your writing is both incisive and extremely funny. All of us (well all of us over 40, I suppose) need to be concerned about social security, health care, and what our congressional representatives (who happen to have excellent health care and retirement benefits) are doing or not doing to support these necessary initiatives and programs. SHARING


arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

phdast7, thank you again for another visit and a gracious comment.


LaThing profile image

LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

Absolutely true, and you said it in a very witty way! Wonderful read...... Can you imagine what will happen when we reach our retirement age (I am in my mid 40s)?? I don't even want to think about it!

Voting up, and SHARING!


arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Lathing, thanks for visiting. Somestimes laughing is the only medicine left!


dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 4 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

Much of what you say is true, but I take exception to congress not being able to take care of itself. They seem to take pretty good care of themselves as far as I can see.


arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

dahoglund, exception noted and agreed! Thanks for rectifying my error, although Congress would prefer attention not be drawn to themselves and I have no want in disturbing these honorable gentleman.


Rodric29 profile image

Rodric29 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Voted up and shared. This was a fun way to look at a serious problem.


arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Thanks Rodric29 - your right. Humor disarms people. In the end however, every is thinking and thats all that matters. thanks for the comment.


JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

Brilliantly incisive and hilarious to boot! Satire is a great means for shining a spotlight on areas the government would prefer to keep hidden in the dark.

Jaye


arb profile image

arb 4 years ago from oregon Author

Thanks again Jaye. I sent you an email regarding a project.


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 4 years ago

Love this on my friend, Im checking out early , as to retirement ! Four more years 62 and a 1/2.......!


arb 4 years ago

Thanks my friend, I checked out at 62 and half. 65 and half now. Still work 6 months a year about 20 hours a week.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

This is a most entertaining and informative article, m'dear. When it comes to pulling the legs that need it, you're the expert! Besides, a good laugh before heading to bed does the body and spirit much good!

But - IMHO - carrot juice has it all over pills that cost $100 each and doctor visits which put one in harm's way from explosure in the waiting rooms to every current plague and danger in the examining room from unnecessary or botched surgical procedures and counter-productive meds and - at last - from the scooter. I'll take the carrot juice, down it and be alive and well.

I still like the advice of that 104-year old woman golfer on Johnny Carson who told him the secret of her longevity: avoid doctors! :-)


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

Nellianna, there is much wisdom in her advice. Sometimes looking for a problem simply reveals the appearance of a problem. Ha ha!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

Yes and sometimes a problem feels called upon to rally and appear in order to satisfy the search for one, - especially if someone with a vast vested interest in producing its appearance is conducting the search in a white jacket with documents all over the walls proclaiming his/her expertise at prescribing meds for it!! :-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

ps - Never let it be forgotten what those acronyms, M.D. stand for. Not doctor of health or doctor to people! nope. . . . I had a little experience which brought this home clearly to me many years ago. I was meeting a new doctor in the HMO which serviced George's health plan & made sure to let him know that I don't really prefer to take a lot of medicine. His reply? - - "But, Mrs. Hay - THAT is what I DO!" uh huh. How true!

But to his credit, - at least, after that, he always respectfully asked me what I'd already done to help it before I'd resorted to reporting to him for help, which was rare, btw. Health plans always make money off me! But one is kept aware that a 'catastrophic' illness makes them necessary. I'm working on defeating that likelihood too, though!


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

I like doctors for diagnosing. I trust them very little for treatment. Kinda like a bad mechanic fixing your car. Could run worse after he is done.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

Yeah - good analogy! That can happen in either case!

I once took a class titled "Lady, Know Your Car" at a local college. I couldn't claim to have gained a great knowledge of my car. So I go to the car mechanic when I've no answers for my car's problems, which is usually whenever there are any.

But a lifetime of experience with it has given me working knowledge of my body better than a medical mechanic, though I go to the med mechanic when I've no answers for persistent (or 'catastrophic') problems, but that isn't often, and would never be at first sniffle.

My mother taught me a lot about self-care and my own experience has taught me to examine what I'm doing to cause problems I experience and to quit doing it. I can do that for myself much more effectively than a doctor can control what I do as long as I'm up, conscious, self-reliant and moving. :-)


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

Prescribing meds does assure the doctor of return visits. Perhaps they are simply invoking their right to future job security?


Rodric29 profile image

Rodric29 3 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Your article almost got me in trouble at work ! I was reading it again and almost hooted in my head piece for while talking to a customer! I had to contain myself for a few minutes. I bet the customer though I was a really happy employee. Voted up and shared again! I had to stop reading!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

OH, yes, 'tis so! Job security is a major perk in the medical community!

Now I'm giggling, musing on the fact that you and I have been exchanging thoughts on medical stuff and nonsense for about 2 years! - Remember your "I Need Some Medicine For My Medicine"? That was a a good one, too!


xstatic profile image

xstatic 3 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

Very funny and on the money as well Alan! This should be copied to every member of the House of Reps and Senate.


sen.sush23 profile image

sen.sush23 3 years ago from Kolkata, India

Arb, though you write about USA in this Hub, I think the story can well be that of many other countries. We, in the third world, are fast catching on the habits and illnesses of big brother, USA! Yes, I agree, sometimes a good laugh is the only thing you can do. Very funny and interesting!


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

Hello Rodric, Thanks for reading. I am glad you found such humor in my write. Sometimes laughing at ourselves is the only medicine we need.


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

If we are still giggling after two years and can delight in nonsense then we are indeed the best of friends!


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

Hi Jim, I'm not sure anyone in congress can read!


arb profile image

arb 3 years ago from oregon Author

Hello sen.sush23, thank you for reading. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

Indeed!!

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