Star Trek Voyage Into the Light

star trek auto destruct

The Light Clappers of Roncoze

Kirk-Stardate 8675309.While out on patrol in the outer belts just outside of our galaxy,I will be taking my crew into uncharted space as per orders of Starfleet command.We have reports of possible life being present in this quadrant of the galaxy.We can only hope that this will be benevolent life as we will soon be making contact.Kirk out.

Uhura-Captain we have an alien transmission which seems to be trying to make contact.

Kirk-Put it on the intercom Uhura.

Light Clapper-Enterprise are you there?Are you there,enterprise?Help us enterprise!

kirk-Yes,yes we are here.This is captain Kirk.What is your status?

Light Clapper-Ive fallen..and I cant get up.

kirk-We hear you loud and clear.What have you fallen from?

Light Clapper-I dont know.We were on this trip and now we are here.

kirk-Spock? who is this orion woman?

spock-One moment captain while I consult the linguistic banks.Captain,I have surmized that this is not an orion woman.As for..a you humans call it,a place to visit in order to feel the mental euphoria you humans tend to refer to as in elation or glee.Its all quite illogical.

Kirk-But if shes not an Orion Spock,

spock-Captain our scanners have confirmed that this lifeform is originally from what is today known as the infomercial region of the galaxy.However,computer analysis has confirmed that she and her crew once travelled a vast distance well past the ronconian region of the galaxy,and then met up with an alien race whom called themselves the clappers of the light.

Kirk-Really?But why would they do this Spock?

Spock-Now scanning region captain.Analysis has derived that these light clappers enjoy using their hands to direct their technological energies.Unfortunately,they later grew into two seperate and completely different factions.The claponners and the clapoffers.The claponners were referred to as the clappers of the light.The clapoffers were referred to as the clapoffers of the dark.For years these two factions have been at war as to whether the light of their world remains on or remains off.

Kirk-Thank you Mr.Spock.


kirk-Yes Mr.Sulu.

Sulu-Captain my sensors are showing other lifeforms from this region.I mean besides the one in contact with us sir.Captain the sensors also show that the..the..theyre all clapping their hands.I..I dont understand it captain.

Kirk-Everything will be alright Mr.Sulu.Maintain warp factor one.Spock what else do you have?

Spock-Captain,I have logically formulated that this particular lifeform could very well be related to your ancestors on your own planet sir...Way back in your earth history there were records of what were once termed yankeeclappers.These yankeeclappers,.if you will,.found the northern regions too barren and cold to live,thus many went mauradering across space to reach those warmer southern regions of what today you humans call the tropics.Tradition has it that whenever theyd clap their hands,the light would appear.The lifeforms Mr.Sulu has spotted are quite similar to those clappers of your earths past.A very logical lifeform that they use their devices to both clap on and clap off the light of their world.


Kirk-Yes Scotty?

mr.scott-Captain,tis all makes perfect sense to me..sir..but would Mr.Spock please elaborate as to the lasses recent communication?Would she like to share some scotch with me sir?

Kirk-Yes Mr.Scott.A very good question.Spock,do you care to elaborate?

Spock-Certainly captain.If Mr.Scott will please refrain from his flagrant emotionalism,I will state that we are dealing with a being who has obviously fallen and cannot get back up.It would not be logical for Mr.Scott to intoxicate this lifeform with scotch captain.

Kirk-I agree Mr.Spock.As always your logic seems to win out.Sorry Scotty,but I cannot grant your request this time.

Mr.Scott-Aye,aye captain.Oh ya ponted eared bogusfratsya!


Spock-Yes captain?

Kirk- Mr.Spock,you and Dr.McCoy will both accompany me to transporter room five.I hope we wont need your services bones.

Dr.McCoy-Amen to that Jim.

Kirk-Feed in these coordinances Mr.Spock and beam the lightclapper aboard on my command.Energize!

Spock-Captain we have a fix,however,there appears to be another lifeform in the vicinity.Captain,I do believe that the other lifeform is beaming up as well.

Kirk-Spock,what is it?

Spock-I dont know captain,but it appears that we are going to soon find out.

dr.mccoy-Oh my gosh captain.Would ya take a look at that?

Kirk-.Greetings,my name is Captain Kirk and youre aboard the uss enterprise.This is first commander Mr.Spock,and this is our chief medical officer Dr.McCoy.Check the fallen one over bones.And as for you...Im sorry that you got caught up in our transporters,but it couldnt be helped.I see youre another lightclapper.

Lightclapper-No captain Kirk,you are in error.For many years the creature you see that has fallen and cant get back up has been our nemesis,and must remain in darkness just as we are.Do you understand captain?

Kirk-No and please forgive me but no,I dont understand.Youre both obviously clappers of the light madam.

lightclapper-No captain,we are not alike.I am a clapoffer and she is a claponner.Any other questions captain?

Kirk-No I havent any at this moment.But I will say that as captain of this vessel,I will not tolerate any disruptions with the functions of this ship due to any of your clapping technologies.Please enjoy your quarters.You are our guests here.If you happen to fall and cant get up,these com panels here will alert my crew to your travesty.This enson will escort you to your quarters now.Do you have any questions?

lightclapper-No captain,I do not.And thank you captain,you are too kind.

Kirk-Whats the status on the other one bones?

dr.mccoy-Well captain,the lightclappers back on her feet,but I just dont know what wouldve caused her to fall like that in the first place. out..what went wrong!

Dr.McCoy-Blast it captain,Im just a doctor,Im not an infomercial enthusiast.Theyre both now sleeping in their quarters captain.

Kirk-Alright doctor,alert me when they have awakened.Bridge to Mr.Scott.

Mr.Scott-Yes captain,Scott here.

Kirk-Scotty why have all the lights on the ship started flashing?They seem to be flashing on and off faster and faster.

Mr.Scott-There is no telling captain,and there seems to be no way of stopping it.But I do know one thing for certain sir.If we cant stop it,neither you nor I will be able to stand here and talk about it,because soon we will all fall and wont be able to get back up..sir.If..if ya know what I mean sir?

Kirk-Yes Scotty,I indeed do.Hold a minute Mr.Scott,Im being hailed.Yes bones,what is it?

Dr.McCoy-Captain,both the lightclappers have left their quarters and are headed for the bridge.Ones clapping and yelling clap on and the other is clapping and yelling clap off.Captain these aliens strobe effects have got everyone down here in sickbay and throughout the ship falling down and not being able to get back up.

Kirk-Thank you bones.Noted and Kirk out.Spock,can you get a fix on this phenomena?

Spock-Captain I believe that both have taken control of various light components throughout the ship.Look behind you captain.

Kirk-Red alert,sound red alert.I am the captain of this vessel.What are you doing on my bridge?And what are you doing to my crew and our lights?I want some answers and I want them now.

Lightclapper-Of course captain.We are the clappers of the light from the planet Roncoze.Both our factions have been at war for many years.We wish for the light of our world to remain on,and they wish for it to remain off.It was necessary for us to install out roncoze technology into your ships systems.We now have control of your ship..clap on..and your crew captain,and will maintain this control until we finally reach our late nite infomercialled homeland once again.Once there,I will turn in this clapoff renegade to our authorities.Its useless to fight us.Will you cooperate with us captain?

Kirk-You may be able to clap the lights on and the other clap the lights off.You may even be able to strobe light my crew to the point of them falling down,and not being able to get back up,but I am the captain.And I have the final word.Computer,analyze my voice and carry out general order 19.95.And on my responsibility as captain of the enterprise,you will begin countdown when you receive the code.

computer-Working.Awaiting code for destruct sequence.

Kirk-Computer carry out code kirk one,kirk nine,kirk nine and kirk five.Code zero,zero,zero,destruct.

Computer-Destruction code 19.95 and counting 95,94,93,92,91,90,89...

Kirk-Do you clappers have any questions?

Lightclapper-Captain,captain we meant you and your crew no harm.What is this general order 19.95?What are you doing captain?

Kirk-Ill tell you what Im doing.General order 19.95 is where our computers will automatically unplug your clapping device from our systems.Then there will be no clapping on or off or otherwise.The unit will then be sent to your home planet,where hopefully we will receive a refund of 19.95 minus shipping.But there is another answer.There is another way.But you have to trust us.Will you trust us?

lightclapper-Yes captain,because you appear to be an honest man,we will trust you on this one occassion.Just please do not carry out general order 19.95.Now what do you have in mind captain?

Kirk-Well.first of all.


Kirk-Computer abort general order 19.95.Code one,code nine,code nine and code five.Abort!

Spock-Captain we now have control of the ship sir.

Kirk-Thank you Mr.Spock.As for you lightclappers,you know I could take away your clapping device and then youd have to get up and turn the light on at the switch.But Im not going do that.If you look over here to the right of me,Spock is holding what is called a replication device.Basically,it replicates a duplicate of whatever we choose to program it with.Scotty,hand me that clapping unit.Now as you can see,when we place this unit on our replicator,we now have two clapping units.It replicates a duplicate of the original.Heres one for you.And heres one for you too.This way when you both get back home,both your people can have their choice as to whether to have the light on,or to have the light off.And plus there will be no more strobe light effects.You wont have to be bothered with falling down anymore.Or being unable to get back up for that matter.Does this sound agreeable to you?

Lightclapper-Yes captain,this is very much agreeable with us.

Kirk-Do you have anything to add to this Mr.Spock?

Spock-Yes captain I do.If you both will from now on focus your clapping properly,you will be able to turn your television sets on and off as well.Its all quite logical.And I see we are now in orbit around the planet Roncoze captain.Any orders sir?

Kirk-Yes Mr.Spock,join me in the transporter room to escort our guests back to their planet.You have the helm Sulu.

Sulu-Aye,aye captain.

Kirk-Were ready to beam you both back to your planet now.Do you have your clappers?

Lightclapper-Yes captain we have them.And thank you for showing us a new way of using them.Our people will be eternally indebted to you all.And thank you Mr.Spock for showing us our own illogics in the face of reason.

Spock-Youre quite welcome.With the new units Im sure you will all do very well.Clap long and prosper! Coordinances are set captain.

Kirk-Very good Mr.Spock.Energize!

Spock-They are now on the planets surface captain.

Kirk-Now that thats done,I believe our next heading takes us to the Drunkonian region of the galaxy.

Spock-Affirmative captain.

Kirk-I hear thay have the best little space pubs on Drunkonia.Whatd you say earlier about some scotch Scotty?

Mr.Scott-Oh captain,I hear that the Drunkonian pubs bring contentment to a mans soul sir.

Kirk-Gentlemen,now that we have seen the light,I say its about time to have some contentment for our well.Dont you agree Mr.Scott?

Mr.Scott-Aye captain I most certainly do sir.

Kirk-Take us outta orbit Sulu.Warp factor three.

Sulu-Aye,aye captain.Warp factor three.


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