Suicide Admissions

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To You,

I remember that day. The confusion, the chaos. In many ways, I still feel like I never knew you. I was off in my own life. Disconnected. Away. Happy. I, like everyone else, didn't understand. We didn't know why. Couldn't fathom the pain, the disappointment. You sure made a statement though. They should have believed you, I guess. Should've listened to all the admissions you weren't making.

It was always such a ridiculous notion to me. One I'm sorry to say I've better understood at points in my life since. I looked down on you for it. I did. I thought you were selfish, weak. I hated you for hurting the ones I love. How dare you. You made them cry. I watched them break down because of you. Had to see the pain of all the moments with you they would never experience reflecting in their eyes. Weddings, babies, birthdays you stole from them.

I've always carried around this morbid curiosity about it all. Running it over time and again in my mind. I took what I knew and added what I didn't and watched it like a movie in my head until it held no emotion whatsoever. There were things I did know, things I did see. I know where it happened. I know where you sat, how you did it. I'd been there a thousand times before and plenty of times since. But you destroyed the innocence of the place. You took everything about it and covered it with a dark blanket that blackens the space forever in my eyes.

I wonder, did you do that on purpose? Was it intentional? A part of the plan? Another little knife in the chest to those you wanted to feel the pain? Like a footprint in cement or initials carved in a tree to be a constant reminder that you were there?

I've seen it all in my head. Watched you do the deed. I've seen the trigger pulled, the blood stain, the gun fall heavy under its own weight. I saw childhood memories and future plans wiped away by white gloved hands. I saw your loved ones cry, watched them become defeated shells of their former selves. I watched you take their lives right along with your own.

I could never understand and I suppose I never will. But I will never forget the images you left burned in my brain. I'll remember you before, the sight of your face, the sound of your voice. I'll remember the news of what you had done. I'll remember the weather and the sounds of sickening confusion. I'll remember your funeral and the way the pain of those I loved made me cry. I'll remember not crying for you. I'm sorry for that. Sorry I hold a grudge I can't give up. Sorry I let the hatred for what you did cloud the life you had. I'm sorry that you'll never have the chance to say the same to me.

I'm sorry I can't let go of it all.

If you or someone you know has thought about or talked about committing suicide, please talk to someone about it. It's never to late to ask for help. Find someone to talk to. Life is worth living!

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Comments 10 comments

lone77star profile image

lone77star 4 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

A moving piece. Potent.

Grudges, inflicting wounds, suicide -- each is an act of selfishness. Each is giving in to the madness which is ego.

We don't need to do that. We are each bigger and better than that, if we decide to be. And it's as easy as deciding.

Genesis tells us that we were each created in God's image, and God is not Homo sapiens.

The Nazarene teacher told us that we should turn the other cheek. As difficult as that sounds, it becomes easy when you take the viewpoint of the child of God, within (our true self), and not that of ego.

Ego is vulnerable and easily bruised. Ego lashes out -- half perpetrator and half victim. Ego is the seductive trap of dichotomies and importances. And all importances are a reflection of the mortal self.

The true, spiritual self (the immortal child of God, or soul) is invulnerable and capable of infinite abundance, compassion and joy.

Peace and love.


ocfireflies profile image

ocfireflies 3 years ago from North Carolina

Riveting.


To Start Again profile image

To Start Again 3 years ago Author

Thank you, ocfireflies :)


ChrisJawalka profile image

ChrisJawalka 3 years ago from Louisville, OH

That was a very amazing read... I was actually stuck to every word. I've known many friends who didn't manage to make it past college, because of this 'problem'... I've contemplated it myself at times.

If this was derived from 'real life' expierences... I would say you had me almost feeling what you felt... realizing how hard and sad it is... Remembering the feelings I've had in the past, of my own facings of those no longer hear... If you wrote it as fiction? You are an AMAZING author... so real, so genuine and so stirring of feeling I've long since forgotten...

Thank you for this.


To Start Again profile image

To Start Again 3 years ago Author

Thank you Chris, what a lovely comment. Sadly, I pulled from real life. It was my way of saying the things I'd held in for too long and it felt good to finally get it all out. I felt ashamed in a way, for so long that I harbored anger over it all but finally saying it to someone (readers) was what I needed to finally let it go.

Thank you again for your comment, Chris and I hope the read helped heal a wound or two ;)


To Start Again profile image

To Start Again 3 years ago Author

Thank you so much! What a beautiful and meaningful comment :)


billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

Very beautiful words. I have known five people who committed suicide, and it does leave the survivors with so many conflicting emotions....you have echoed many things that I have thought over the years with this touching piece of writing.


To Start Again profile image

To Start Again 3 years ago Author

Thank you, Billy. I've found through writing this piece that many people have experienced those same emotions I had felt, the ones I'd thought I was the only one struggling with.


Nero Walker 2 years ago

Beautiful... No words.


To Start Again profile image

To Start Again 2 years ago Author

Thank you, Nero :)

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