Summer in the Orchard, a Free Verse Friday Poem

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fragile blossom, white,
thin as an egg shell
little yoke of pollen
cradled between red palms

searing sunlight fades
face turning suffocating
under thick green aroma

flushed cheeks pressing
into cool sweet earth
abandoned full and heavy
brown wicker basket

little tangerines, Clementines,
two snuggled together make one palmful
each scrap of bronzed leather revealing

another sweet mouthful,
before the bitter backwash
of a September moon rises
against the stars overhead

About This Poem (A Plea for Feedback)

I've been revising this poem for over a year and I'm still not completely happy with it. Your honest, but polite, feedback would be much appreciated. Which parts work for you? Which parts don't work? Are there any particularly strong images or feelings envoked by this poem? Is there a part that sounds awkward or flat? I'd like to know, so don't be shy (but please be nice)!

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Comments 3 comments

jhamann profile image

jhamann 4 years ago from Reno NV

I enjoy your line breaks, it seems to me that you put a lot of thought into your line breaks and it adds to the power of the poem. The short line break makes the poem move faster towards the end. For fun you may want to try combining lines to see this poem as a long line poem, it will slow it down a pace, and may change the whole meaning, but it would be interesting how one becomes another by simply playing with the length of the line. This poem is beautyful the way it is though, and the language throughout is deep and well versed, I enjoy the "little tangerines, clementines..." stanza. Thank you for sharing. Jamie


Darrylmdavis profile image

Darrylmdavis 4 years ago from Brussels, Belgium

I rather enjoyed it but I do have a suggestion: try revising where you make your line and stanza breaks. Sometimes it felt a little choppy and I lost the flow.

Nicely done, though :-)


northweststarr profile image

northweststarr 3 years ago from Washington State

hmmm... Someone likes adjectives a bunch. Try editing out the unnecessary. See my hub on revision for help. Sometimes you might really love a certain line or image (or adjective) but it's just not right or too much. Don't be afraid to pare your poems down to brass tax, when all you have left is the basic meat of the poem, it's easy to add a few flourishes of genius and save all the excess for another fabulous creation.

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