THE INNOCENCE OF TIME...by b. Malin

Me, front row center
Me, front row center

YOUTH...NOT ALL HAPPY TIMES

Youth... Childhood, is suppose to be such a Happy, Secure time for a child. No cares, no Big Worries. To look at us, my two cousins, and another young friend, we look like a Happy crew, sucking away on our Lollypops...I'm the one in the Front Row, in the middle, I'm probably around 7 or 8...or maybe even 9...and I'm probably sucking on a Red or Purple Lollipop, because those were my Favorite flavors...And I'm wearing a skirt, I'm not sure why, when everyone else is in play pants...and my Favorite Patent Leather Shoes are on my feet...Walk back with me in time...

My parents are divorced and it's the 1950's...and no one else in the family is divorced...And my Sister and I live with Relatives... and I have a Doll named "Nancy"...Sometimes I feel that she is the only one who really Loves me...and will Never Leave Me. She sleeps in a Blue Doll Crib next to my bed. My Sister is older than I am by 2 1/2 years. She doesn't like Dolls, and sometimes makes fun of me because I do. Once when we were younger, and our parents were still together, she painted my other Favorite Doll's head with Red Nail Polish, and then pushed in her eyes...she was left with two holes where her eyes should have been.I cried when I saw what she had done... Sometimes I think she Hates me, other times not, like when we get together with the other kids in the neighborhood, and I make up plays where I'm the Princess, and she has to play the Prince. She gets Mad and tells me she won't, but in the end she gives in. We also like to catch some of the "Cats" in the neighborhood and dress them up in Doll clothing, and put them in my Doll carriage. We got in trouble when one of the neighbors wanted to see our "Dolly" and a cat wearing a Doll Hat and Clothing jumped out at her! She called my Aunt. That night we were made to go to bed early, and promise Never to do that again...and we didn't...But we did "Giggle" into our pillows after the lights went out. Oh, and my sister always makes me tell her a story so that she can fall asleep...And I do...I make up the Best stories, someday, when I'm grownup I'd like to be a writer.

We live at my Uncle's House. He is my mother's brother. My mother is away, she has had a "Breakdown"...I'm not sure what that means... The Relatives do a lot of whispering, when we have Family get togethers. I pretend I don't hear what they say, but I do...and at night, when my Aunt and Uncle are asleep, I cry softly into my pillow, I don't want them to hear me, and I don't want to hurt their feelings. But I miss my Mother, even though somedays, I forget what she looks like. My father is living with another Woman, and her children...She is a "Widow"...I'm not sure what that word means, but I do know he wants my Sister and I to live with them. My Aunt has not been feeling well, and now the Relatives whisper the word, "Leukemia"... I don't know what that word means either...but I know that can't be good.

I don't like when my Uncle holds me tight and keeps kissing me...and he says things that don't sound right to me... I'm afraid to tell on him. But I really don't like it. Maybe we should go to live with my father. He keeps saying to my Sister when he comes to pick us up, "wouldn't it be Fun to live at Daddy's"? She smiles but doesn't say anything. I try to talk, to speak up, to say it would be. But he doesn't seem to hear me...Someday he will hear me, he will even listen to me...but that time is just not now.




Comments 63 comments

Sunnie Day 4 years ago

Oh dear B..this brought tears to my eyes. You were such a beautiful little girl! Pictures can be deceiving at times can’t they? I always say the eyes give it away. I know the memories are so hurtful and I pray you have made peace with that time. Sending my best hug. I loved dolls too. My daughters played with babies longer than most... My oldest wrote her name across her dolls forehead for fear someone would steal her..lol

Here is that hug I promised..HUG!!!!


Maria Cecilia profile image

Maria Cecilia 4 years ago from Philippines

so short and yet so deep....wishing you a happier life now...


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Well you certainly packed quite a bit into a short piece. You had me hanging on every word and feeling like my guts had been pulled out. Beautifully written, powerfully tragic. Thank you for sharing a part of you so that others might learn.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 4 years ago from Texas

Sucha heartbreaking poem. Girls have so much to deal with, they love and hurt so easily. ANd to survive and live with the pain brought on by your uncle, you are so very brave and tough. Touching poem, thank you for sahring...


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 4 years ago from South Carolina

I'm at a loss for words. This was such a sad story and so different from the pieces you write about your current life. I'm glad I know you're happy now, but you certainly had your share of sorrow in childhood.

This line was the one that really got to me: "I have a Doll named "Nancy"...Sometimes I feel that she is the only one who really Loves me...and will Never Leave Me."

It's amazing that kids will grasp at any staws, even inanimate objects to help themselves feel secure and loved, and yet it's also amazing that this trait can help get them through tough times.

Like Sunnie, I'm sending you Hub Hugs, but I'm also saluting the part of you that was able to create a different kind of life for yourself in your adult years.


cleaner3 profile image

cleaner3 4 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

b, thanks for sharing this sad part of your life. it's good to know that you have grown into a strong and confidant writer. letting go by writing is very theraputic, and I hope it has helped you.

All the best,

Much Love,

Michael


always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

Oh this is not what i expected. I can relate. What a mess our parents can make out of our lives. I know all is well with you now and i am glad. Lots and lots of hugs..


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

You know Sunnie, it took years, and raising my Sons and being a Wife and a Mother, and later a Grandmother... and not allowing myself to mourn my childhood, or lack of it. We paint a picture we want the world to see and hope the scars will fade away. But in the end, writing about it is the Best Cure of all...And Thanks for the Hug, that never goes out of style.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Maria, thank you for your comments. I truly have a Wonderful life today...I was robbed of a childhood, but the rest is good... and the Best is yet to come!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Thanks for Understanding the purpose of this Hub Billybuc...if it helps just one other person to smile knowingly... then I know it was worth the write.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 4 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Hello b. Malin. This sure tugs at the heart. Seems that you have been able to put this behind you. That is the best part, knowing that it can be left behind.


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

I'm delighted that writing seems to be cathartic for you, b. You did an outstanding job with these semi-sweet recollections. Funny and sad at the same time. I admire your strength today. You'll need it being a grandma, you know.


Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 4 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

From your comments on my hub I sort of guessed that your childhood had not been a bed of roses. I am so proud of you that you didn't let it beat you and you have been able to live a good life despite your childhood. As you said the scars remain but the journey was worth it to find yourself in the happy place that you are now.

Writing is very theraputic for ourselves and for others, the more they read these sad stories, the more they realise they are not alone and can become stronger.

Sending big hugs


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

Your memoir is very inspiring. I believe writing helps us to sublimate our pent up emotions.

Good writing


Seeker7 profile image

Seeker7 4 years ago from Fife, Scotland

This is a very moving and wonderful hub. I'm glad that your childhood inspiration of being a writer has continued into your adulthood - you are indeed an excellent writer.

It's a long time since I've been so absorbed and moved by a memoir - an excellent piece of writing. Voted up beautiful + awesome!


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

This is a very powerful and moving hub, b. Malin. I am so glad that you've found happiness in your adult life, and I hope your future is wonderful. You deserve it after such an unpleasant childhood. My best wishes to you.


Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 4 years ago

As always the way you bring up the past and view life, makes ignoring how you see it and not enjoying the drama of it impossible. Greetings my friend in pen.


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

b. malin - Quite a story. Seems you've weathered the storm and have turned out to be a Princess after all.

The Frog


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

Words cannot express how sorry I am to hear what you had to go through as a young girl. Clearly you have managed to find a life that seems to fit you to a tee and I am very very happy for you. Enjoy every second. You above anyone else should realize how precious life is.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

You are such a "Special Friend" "Always Exploring"...I long ago made piece with my Father, and was so glad I was able to. My mother also didn't have a happy life, but we had (when I was grown & married) some Wonderful moments together. I am ok today...Hugs right back to you too!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

You are so right Mckbirdbks...I just had to wait many years for some Relatives to pass on, before I could be this open. Maybe it will help someone else. Thanks for your Comments.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Being a Grandmother is Fun... and such a Learning, Enjoying Experience! I Love Writing and Expressing my Thoughts, along with the Highs and Lows in Life...Living has it's rewards! Thanks for your Wonderful Comments Drbj.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Your words are Truly Beautiful thoughts Rosemay, Thanks for all your Heartfelt Comments. Yes, I am in a Happy Place right now, and learning to be Happy is an Art I will Enjoy learning...as crazy as that sounds...But I think dear Friend, you know what I mean.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Thank you Vinaya, and Writing certainly does do that for me. I'm glad you found my short Memoir Inspiring.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

I've always Loved Writing so thank you so much for the Compliments Seeker. So much comes from the Heart and Soul...Thank You for the Vote Up and all!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Alicia, It took so many years to release this, while certain Relatives were still alive. I didn't want to hurt anyone...but in reality I was only hurting myself by not writing about it. Thank you for understanding and your Comments.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Well Greetings Jaggedfrost, it's been a long time, I'm so glad you stopped by and Commented...A little Confusing, but I get it. Thank You.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Froggy, Is it possible to have two Princes in my Life...Lover Man, and you Dear Friend. Thank You!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Breakfastpops, I do appreciate my Life today...The past is the past...Writing about it now helps to heal the "Little Girl" buried deep within.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi A.A. Girls are young and innocent...Adults need to let them stay that way...I grew up to be a Strong Woman, and Finally was able to release the "Little Girl Inside" by writing this Hub. Thank you for your Comments.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Gail, I needed to write this piece, it was buried so deep inside me, and for reasons of certain relatives still being alive, I put it off for many years...Finding that picture made me say, now, now is the time.

Your Words and Comments have touched me deeply. The Little Girl we were, will always be inside all of us...and this Hub was for her, as well as the Woman I became.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Michael, Thank You. Yes, Writing is very Theraputic and as a Writer, I wanted to tell this tale, so another Woman will Smile and say, yeah, me too, and I'm ok, thanks for sharing b. Malin.


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 4 years ago

Mom thanks you for the birthday wishes. My mother's parents were divorced at the same time yours were. They were the only divorced family in a small town. Grandma raised four children by herself. Mom and her siblings certainly had to grow up faster than other children their age.

Thanks for sharing your history. You were a beautiful little girl.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 4 years ago from United States

Hi b. Malin. It is amazing the things we go through and remember from our childhood. Congrats for having the courage to write about it. Some of us can't.

You were such a cute girl! Lollipops were cheap back then!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Thanks Flora, but looks are deceiving...when it comes to being Happy. From the outside no one could tell, but on the inside, I did a lot of crying, and wishing I could go to sleep and wake up a "Grownup".


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

You know Sligobay I never did...and years later we Laughed about what she did to my Dolls...it could have been a Faze she was going through.

I tried to write this Hub to sound like a Child was talking, thanks for taking notice, and thanks for the Compliment.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Dexter, I don't know if it took courage to write this Hub, but looking at that picture, I just knew now was the time...family members had died...otherwise I agree with your saying, "Some of us Can't"...I would have fit that category.

Ok, so what Flavor Lollipops were your Favorite...and yes, they were Cheap!


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Your words so very beautifully written made me cry, this is so moving, I agree with Dexter - congratulations on having the courage to write this.

I'm so pleased you have Lover Man now and you are happy, you have the condo with a view too!

Hugs and best wishes Lesley


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 4 years ago from Guildford

This is simply beautiful! Wow definitely brought tears to my eyes!!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Movie Master, Thank You. Yes, now as an "Adult" I have gone full circle... and will continue to do so with my Lover Man, and The Condo with the View...And Writing about all the Wonderments of Life! Heartfelt Thanks for all your Wonderful Comments, Lesley.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Thank You Acaetnna, it was like a Cleansing for my Soul...I appreciate your Thoughts.


sligobay profile image

sligobay 4 years ago from east of the equator

I echo your sentiment: The best is yet to come. The vehicle of writing as a child gave this piece so much power while preserving its innocence. Hugs, Gerry


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

wow I love walking back in time with you.. I can relate so much to you story.. I used to tell stories to anyone that would listen to me/; I made them sound so real that I would gt in trouble for lying. I tried to explain that they were only my stories..

Love your hub. I hope you write more about this.

voted up

Debbie


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 4 years ago from Hereford, AZ

I feel your pain in this. I also recently wrote a three part memoir of a very painful part of my life. It was so cathartic getting it down and out. It is amazing how relieved we feel afterwards. And then comes the doubt, was it too personal? Should I have posted it? But it turned out so good for me. I hope it has for you as well. I pray that your life continues to be blissful with your Lover Man and your condo with a view. Blessings.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 4 years ago from Arizona

B., a sad tale for many and I know a few turn out well, after a rough start and can face their yesterdays, with scorn but nonetheless, face them, seems you've done as well as you could,

Blessings,

Dusty


sgbrown profile image

sgbrown 4 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

I know it is hard to write about an unhappy childhood, you did a very good job here. Sometimes it helps to share you story with others. I think it helps to "release" some of the pain you hold in. You did a very good job with your story and I hope you have a wonderful life now. :)


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 4 years ago from West Virginia

B Malin, wow. This is deep. I commend your courage first of all. One thing we must accept in life is that we can't go back. We can't change the past, but we can change how the past affects us now. I couldn't write this. This shows me how strong you are, very strong willed my friend. I am sure pain such as this is held in for years upon years, it can be a cancer to the soul. It has obviously made you stronger. Let this be a lesson to us all. Courage is strength. Very deep my friend. I hope this does you justice by getting it out. It always helps me by writing, I pray the same for you:) Deepest regards.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Gerry, once again I wish to say "Thank You" . It took me a few days to bounce back again after writing this Hub. I really felt emotionally drained. But Yes, the Best is yet to come, and I am so ready!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Deborah, looking at that Picture made me think back, and suddenly I wanted to write about the young me, and how I was as a child...I didn't Enjoy being a child. But Middle age is oh so Good. Thanks for your Vote.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

You are so Right Becky, I did feel relieved, but also so Emotionally drained...It was bottled up inside for so very long. I also questioned myself, was it too personal? But then I thought No, childhood was NOT fun for me, because of what took place.

Yes, today, my Life is Good and soon, we will be able to Enjoy the Condo!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Dusty, I guess that's what I was doing, Facing Yesterday, coming to terms, and I'm glad I did. I have such Wonderful, Understanding, Friends on Hub Pages...And I count you as one of them!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Sgbrown, when I was a child, I would go to sleep and wish that I could wake up all "Grown Up"...so in writing this Hub Story, it did help to release the sad little girl in me.

I do have a Wonderful Life now. Thank you for your Heartfelt Comments.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Lyric, I know that I am a Strong Woman today, and I don't look back...But that picture did stir something up, buried deep, and I knew I had to write about it...Emotionally I felt so drained after I finished this Hub, but I also felt Relief.

Thanks for all you Wonderful Comments, always appreciated.


girltalksshop 4 years ago

Wow! Very sad childhood b.Malin. I think hearing about the favorite flavors of lollipops and dressing up the cats was your highlight of the hub. But, it appears what you endured as a child, helped you to be strong. I love your hubs and reading them. You are a good story teller. : )Your story telling as a girl probably helped you escape all that felt wrong for you as a child.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Girltalkshop, yes, it was an Unhappy one, and I couldn't wait to be a "Grownup"...and now I am, with that little girl tucker away. Thank You so much for all the Compliments, as well as all your Wonderful Thoughts...you are so very perceptive.


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 4 years ago

The more I read your writing, the more I have come to respect and admire you. Everyone has a story about their lives, thank you for sharing yours. Your strength and endurance to become the person you are is an inspiration to all who read this. As with all your writings you touched me in ways that go far deeper than my words can express. Rated up and beautiful.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

What Beautiful and Heartfelt Comments you have sent my way Toknowinfo, I am deeply touched by them. Thank you so much, and of course Thank You, for the Up & Beautiful, that means a lot to me.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

B. Malin,

Reading about your childhood makes me fully appreciate why you are such an inspirational, upbeat and positive influence in our community. You have survived AND thrived.

Your writing is healing and cathartic not only to you, but obviously to many of us, your friends and followers.

Voted UP & Awesome. Hugs, Maria


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Maria, I am humbled by your Comments and I also Treasure them. We never know how our Hubs will be received when we write them. This one came from my Heart and so deep within. Thank You for understanding, as well as your Votes...and especially for being a Wonderful Hub Friend.


theseus profile image

theseus 4 years ago from philippines

What a story to tell. Deep. Touching.

What a life you've had. But then again, look at where you are now? Better, wiser, stronger and an inspiration to us all. That's all that matters now, isn't it? God bless you.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Theseus, Thank You so much for all your Lovely and Thoughtful Comments. Haven't seen you in awhile...I'll be by to visit your Hubs too.


DFiduccia profile image

DFiduccia 4 years ago from Las Vegas

b.Malin,

I’ve read quite a few of your hubs tonight and your enjoyable attitude shines through all of them.

This particular hub is a beautiful and moving piece written from the heart and mind of the little girl you were long ago. Following you is a pleasure.

…voted up.

DF


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi DF, Thanks for reading some of my Hubs, and your Compliments are appreciated.

Yes, that little girl lost a lot when her parents divorced...and had to live with relatives...I used to go to sleep and wish I'd wake up all grown up. But today, many, many, years later I'm ok.

Hub Pages is Wonderful, and I'm glad to have another "Hub-Writer Friend"...I look forward to reading many more of you Hubs as well.

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