Two-Story Paranoia

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By: Wayne Brown

Hubber, Brian Slater, recently asked the question: “What goes through your mind when you head upstairs for bed?” I answered the question but only from a novice standpoint because I live in a one-story house and try as I may, I cannot find the stairs leading up to the second level. Anyway, Brian’s question set me to thinking how it would be if I could live in a two-story house so I thought that I would just write about it and let everyone know what might go through my mind.

Right off, I remember that George Jones and Tammy Wynette lived in a two-story house. I know that is for sure because they admitted it in one of the country duets that they sang together. When I listen to that song, I find it interesting that someone was able to find a link between living a lie and residing in a two-story house. It sets my mind wondering if I could write a song, get Stan Fletcher to pay the guitar and sing harmony. I think my song would be “We All Live In A Multi-Story Building”. I can’t decide whether to use a waltz beat or go all out and lay that baby down in four/four time. Listen for it on the radio and find out!

Beaver Cleaver lived in a two-story house. You have probably read of it in my story called “The Cleavers”. I worshiped at the altar of that house and longed to live there with “The Beav”. Beaver shared a room with big brother, Wally. I’ll bet that was all he could think of every night as he climbed those stair…’I sure do wish I had my own room’. You know they had three bedrooms but one was reserved for that sweet little aunt who came occasionally to visit in the summer. No way was the Beaver getting that room. No he was stuck with Wally until his big brother went off to college or better yet joined the army. Gee, that sets my to wondering that maybe if June Cleaver had got off her ass and grabbed a job, maybe they could have gotten a house with four bedrooms and then the Beav would have had his own room. The way she wore those high-heels, I’ll bet she could have gotten on down at the strip joint. Then Eddie Haskell would have come knockin’ saying, “Hey Wally, I saw your old lady down at the strip joint. She’s hot!” Yeah, I can see where living in a two-story house was stressful and now understand what June Cleaver meant when she would say, “Ward, I think there’s something wrong with the Beaver.”

Norman Bates lived in a two-story house with his dead mama. He could stand on the porch at his Bates Motel and see mama sitting in the window in her rocker. She was always telling Norman what to do and Norman did some very bad things. You could tell that it pissed him off to no end to have his dead mother hovering over him like he was a child. Maybe she would have not stayed so long if she could have gotten down those stairs or if Norman had lived in a one-story house. Somehow I think they would have never got the idea for the movie if the house had been one-story. I just don’t see it working out.

The “Desperate Housewives” all live in two-story houses. What a mess they have and it never ends. Crazy people move in and out of the neighborhood possibly because they might be attracted to two-story houses. People get shot, run over by cars, bound, gagged and held hostage, maybe even killed off. And to think, this is supposed to be a very high-end neighborhood. Just the pleasant little name of the street denotes serenity and the smell of fresh flowers…Wisteria Lane. Who would think such goings-on could take place in such a lovely little neighborhood. It has to be the two-story houses, there is no other answer.

Elvis lived in a two-story house. He called it Graceland. Women loved to go there and try to get through the gates and get into Graceland. I think it was because it was a two-story house, don’t you? Just look what living there did for Elvis. He was awake most nights. He loved to eat fried-nanner sandwiches with hot peanut butter and bacon on them. He was kind of like Norman Bates when it came to mama. He brought a fourteen year old girl home with him from Germany to live upstairs. I think that is the only reason her daddy let her come…the two-story house. Elvis took all those pills and gave most of his money to Colonel Tom Parker. He just was not thinking right and I blame it on that two-story house. You know they say when you fall face-first off the toilet in a two-story house, it makes a real loud thud. I wouldn’t know because I never lived in a two-story house and judging by what happened to Elvis and all, I probably won’t be looking for one.

The White House has is a two-plus story house. Not many people have lived there but many of the ones who have were really messed up. Lyndon Johnson took all the silver out of the money because he was afraid of werewolves. Richard Nixon was taping everything, well except that one thing that lasted about eighteen minutes if I remember correctly. Jimmy Carter brought his mama, Ms Lilly, with him. Come to think of it Jimmy reminds me a little bit of Norman Bates if he would just die his hair. Bill Clinton had a dog upstairs in his bed and an ugly girl doing funky things with cigars under his desk. Somebody said they thought he also had a pet but it was not allowed to sleep in his room. But wait, what about the dog in his bed…oh, you’ll figure that one out. Now, the guy that is up there now, his name evades me, they say his having delusions of grandeur and points his finger a lot. I think it has something to do with living in that two-story house. So much for me attending any White House dinners. Now you know why I have not run for the office.

My sister-in-law lives in a two-story house. I suffered grievous injury there. Having imbibed in a glass of wine while working on the computer upstairs, much as I imagined that Norman Bates would have as mama looked on, I decided it was time to head downstairs and get another. I picked up the wine glass and my dog and headed down stairs. Now my sister-in-law has carpet on her stair-steps, well, all of them but the last one. It is wood and I think she polishes it every day with some really slick stuff. Whatever it is that she uses, it does not work well when one encounters it in his sock-feet. I was tossed into the air feet first with my wine glass and dog in hand. I didn’t want to drop the dog and I couldn’t spill what was left of the wine so I just hung on to both. Luckily, I landed on my back. Unluckily, my left elbow smashed into the bull nose of the wood step. The doctor said it burst my bursa sac and I had to undergo the knife to fix it. I don’t like undergoing the knife and I hate being put to sleep and letting someone else fly the plane. That was several years ago and I still miss my little bursa sac. If my sister-in-law would have bought a one-story house I’d still have it too!

As you can see, I have a real problem with two-story houses. There are probably some of those psycho-analysts lying on the couch type doctors out there who would say that I had developed a fetish about it and need professional help and possibly treatment with some type of mind-altering drugs. Well I say this. If there is no problem with two-story houses, why the hell was Norman Bates so messed up? No, I got no use for them. Two-story houses are dangerous and about as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. There I go making reference to birds. Alfred Hitchcock would be proud. Did he live in a two-story house?

© Copyright WBrown2010. All Rights Reserved.

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Comments 11 comments

Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

How great to see another side of your personality and discover the humor you so carefully hided from us. And you are right it must be the two-storey house that brought it all up. I am so glad it did it.

I hope you will be taking the stairs more often and go to the second floor; we all need to laugh now and then.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Petra, humor comes fairly easy to me once the inspiration hits. I have a few older hubs which are written from a humor perspective ("The Original Mississippi Cooter Brown","Boogie,Man!", "Firepower"). Check those out if you want to see a bit more of that side of me. Thanks for your nice comments. I am really glad I can entertain you! WB


billyaustindillon profile image

billyaustindillon 6 years ago

Wayne enjoyed the hub - had a good laugh, very useful in a world right now where there isn't a lot to laugh about!


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan

Ouch - I could actually picture you falling down your sister-in-law's stairs and I was thinking - "Oh no - will the dog make it???" Obviously, you had - you're here writing this! LOL! Sorry about your elbow though! It's amazing you didn't break more bones! On your back...ug...I'm sore just thinking about it!

Great Hub - you're glib and you do wonderfully at painting a canvas for us! Loved it! Carol


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Carol...thank you. I am glad that I could make you smile. Humor comes relatively easy for me but I take it seriously so I don't do it that often. My elbow was a real mess for a while. Actually it didn't hurt at all initially then a couple of days later things went crazy. I still kid my sister-in-law about polishing that step. Thanks for the read and the kind words! WB


K J Page profile image

K J Page 6 years ago from Pacific Northwest

What a wonderful satyrical write!!! I read that and felt a bit green that I can't write like that!!!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Sure you can, KJ, just release your mind and let it flow. Glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping for and thanks for the comments! WB


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Wayne all I gotta say is that you sure have a funny bone in your body, I can see you now flying in the air, wine glass in one hand, doggie under the other and your white stetson embedded nicely on your crown. hah. That would have been me to, I don't let go of anything I'm holding when I am trapeezing through the air, especially a fine glass of vintage, hey it helps numb the pain. hah. As for two storey houses, I'm with you on that one, I have no use for em. All that wasted energy going up and having to come down, give me a long stretched out ranch style bungalow and I am a happy saddlerider. lol...great read, enjoyed it, make me laugh. I rate it up there with the rest of your great stuff, keep hubbing pardner.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you, Ken...sometimes I like to get my funny bone out! I did get tossed a bit in the fall but the dog was happy and the wine was saved so it was a great day for all. I am glad you enjoyed the humor! Thanks for your kind words! WB


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

WB -- This is very funny! My son and I are living in a 3-story townhouse. Basically one room on each floor . . . fun . . . but lots of stairs. I wonder what horrors are in store for us . . . Ha!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas Author

@Truckstop Sally...glad you liked it. As long as your son is not named "Norman" things will probably come out alright! LOL! WB

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