Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing

Last weekend at POPLAR STREET THRIFT Shop

Last weekend at POPLAR STREET THRIFT Shop I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Frances. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,

with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant.

The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a

gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long

story short, I bought the device from owner Jeff brought it home. I

loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read')

that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs

and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have

yet to explain to Frances what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with

this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all

that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, Ears nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my Ears!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Bob

Comments 8 comments

In The Doghouse profile image

In The Doghouse 8 years ago from California

I am still laughing! Please tell me this was a joke. The reason I am laughing is because we bought an electronic collar for our hunting dog, and being the responsible owners we are, we simply had to make sure that it didn't hurt that badly when it went off, I don't think it did compare to a taser however.

Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

What a way for me to start the day. I should have put the coffee cup down first. Now I have to clean the keyboard and the desk. You're a real brave guy, telling this story. I'd never tell anyone how, in a spiritual moment in the garden, admiring the beauty of the bounty, I hit myself over the head with an overgrown zucchini because I wondered if anything that beautiful could really pack a wallop. Nuh-uh, not me!

Eileen Hughes profile image

Eileen Hughes 8 years ago from Northam Western Australia

A brilliant read. It makes me wonder how they are allowed to use them. Also what if someone had a pacemaker. They would not get up again.

Well done and like sally say you were game letting us in on this little prank (expensive as it was to human flesh)

Rhym O'Reison profile image

Rhym O'Reison 8 years ago from Crowley, Tx

HILARIOUS, Robert. You are a natural story-teller. We all knew what was going to happen, but we had to stay to read every word. I wrote a hub about an embarrassing moment, but yours wins hands down.

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 8 years ago from Bend, Oregon

WHAT!? You are nuts!! And Funny! Thanks for sharing, and sparing poor Gracie! (thank goodness!). Reminds me of my husband telling me how he was told not to touch the electric fence when he was young and... ZAP!

Whitney05 profile image

Whitney05 8 years ago from Georgia

I was waiting for you to zap the cat. Ha.

Alijah 7 years ago


David 6 years ago


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