The Beaver finds a ouji board
Leave it to Weejer
Beaver-Hey Wally,whats this thing I found in the attic?
Wally-Gosh Beav, Ill tell ya exactly what that is.Its an old ouji board.Gee,it mustve been left by the guy who used to live here.I tell ya what,Eddie Haskell had one of those once.
Beaver-Whud he do with it Wally?
Wally-Ya may not believe this Beaver,but he says he messed around with it one night and the spirits of famous celebrities started talkin to him and stuff like that.But you know Eddie.Heck,if I was a spirit,I sure wouldnt wanna be talkin with him.
Beaver-Gosh Wally,I bet if I tried it out,the celebrities would talk to me too.
Wally-Beav now why would ya wanna go and do a lamebrained thing like that for?
Beaver-Oh I dont Wally,guessin I just like gettin into the spirit of things.
Wally-Well Ill tell ya what,if dad catches up here conjurin up spirits and junk,man hell wallop ya but good.
Beaver-But Wally,dad wouldnt have to know.
Wally-Crimony Beav,you just dont get it do ya?If a spirit came through,whos to say that it wouldnt start talkin to the rest of us after gettin bored with you?
Beaver-Well I still think itd be real neato.
Wally-Dont do it Beaver.Ya better believe what Im tellin ya.Well I gotta go to ball practise now,but Ill be back later.Remember what I said.No monkey business with the ouji board.
Beaver-Ok Wally.No monkey business.....Good hes finally gone now.Now how do I use this thing?(knock,knock,knock!)Now who could that be?(knock,knock,knock!)Hold on a minute.(knock,knock,knock)Who is it?
Eddie-Its me Eddie.
Beaver-Oh,come on in Eddie.Wallys not here.
Eddie-Well hey Beaver,what cha got there?
Beaver-Oh its just an old ouji board I found in the attic.Wally says I shouldnt mess around with it though cuz it could bring in all kindas bad junk and stuff.Besides,I dont even know how to use it.But you do though dontcha Eddie?
Eddie-Sure do,but why should I share what I know with a runt like you?Alright,alright dont keep lookin at me like that.You better not cry.Sheesh Beav,Im just kiddin ya.
Beaver-Gee thanks Eddie.Lets go upstairs and you can show me how it works.And by the time were done conjurin and stuff,Wally should be home from ball practise..
Eddie-Alright Beaver.I think were just about ready now.Always remember to keep your thoughts pure and clear so you only bring in the good ones.
Beaver-But Eddie,since when has your thoughts been pure and clear?
Eddie-Cute a little twirp,thats real cute.Now this here is called a planchette.We place it on the board and lightly place our fingertips on the top of it.Thats it.Now we gotta focus and relax the mind.Are ya there yet?
Beaver-Yea Eddie,Im at one with the universe now.Ohmm!ohmm!
Eddie-Never mind all that Beaver.Just concentrate on your thoughts and any questions ya might have?
Beaver-Hey Eddie,my inner mind is hearin music.And it sounds like funny music.
Eddie-Can ya make it out Beav?
Beaver-Yea yea I can.Its the song three blind mice.Gosh I hope its a fun spirit that comes through for us.Look Eddie,the planchettes movin.
Eddie-By gosh youre right Beav.Its goin to an N.And now its goin to the Y.And now its goin to U.And now it appears to be goin to the K.
Beaver-So whats that spell Eddie?
Eddie-Its spells..um..looks like it spells nyuk.Nyuk?Now what kinda far out word is that?
Beaver-I know Eddie.I know what it is.Im a bettin its the spirit of nyuk.Watch this Eddie.Oh come forth oh spirit of the nyuk.Show yourself to us.Come forth oh spirit of the nyuk.Show yourself to us.Come forth oh spirit of nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,
Eddie-Ok you can cuddit out now Beaver.
Eddie-Oh hey Wally,I didnt see ya come in.Whats up?
Wally-Oh hi Eddie.Im just gettin back from ball practise.Hey whats the Beaver doin down there on the floor nyukin about?
Eddie-Oh I dont know Wally.Um,ah I really have to go now.I think um,I think I told my dad Id help him wash the car.Gotta go Wally.
Wally-But Eddie,I just got home.
Eddie-Sorry Wally,I gotta run.
Wally-Well what do ya make of that Beaver?Beav?Hey say something.
Wally-Hey whats with you?Cmon snap out of it.And what the heck are ya doin with that ouji board out anyways?
Wally-Whats wrong Beav?Cat got your tongue?
Beaver-Why soytantly not Wallyus.Aint no kitty got my tongues.Nyuk.Gosh Wallyus,dis squeegie board is outts dis world.Rrr!
Wally-Beaver whats happened to you?What did you do?
Beaver-Gosh Wallyus,I was just playins wit dat squeegie board over dare and hearin three blind mices in my noggin.Den I lookins at Eddie and thought of how muchest of a stooge he is.Den you came in and here I am.Nyuk.Yous came in right in da middle of my conjurization processes.Woowoo!
Wally-Oh my gosh Beaver,youre in contact with one of the three stooges.
Beaver-.I resent dat Wallyus and I am not a stooge.Nyuk,and dont tell daddyoh bouts dis,cuz like you says,iffens he finds out Id been conjolicating wit dat squeegie board,hed wallop me upside my nugget,nyuk.
Wally-Be quiet Beaver.Here comes mom.Go in the bathroom.Hurry!
June-Hey Wally,wheres the Beaver?
Wally-Oh hi mom.Um I think hes in the bathroom brushin his teeth or sumthin.
June-Well the Jones are coming over for dinner,so you two be on your best behavior tonight.
Wally-Oh ok mom.Ill tell him when he comes out.
Beaver-Is she gone Wallyus?
Wally-Yea shes gone.You can come out now.Heck Im startin to think that youre both gone.Man oh man Beaver,I dont see how were gonna getcha out of this one this time.
Beaver-Gosh Wallyus.I cant see how dade even know,nyuk.
Wally-Beaver ya knucklehead,how the heck could they not know?And quit callin me Wallyus would ya?
Beaver-Gee Ill try to Wallyus but I cant seem to help myself.
Wally-Fight the urge Beaver.Ya gotta fight the urge.
Beaver-Im tryin Wallyus.Im really tryin.Rrrr!ruff,ruff,ruff,nyuk,nyuk!Hey Wally,I think hes gone now.
Wally-Hey Beaver ya did it.Youre talkin normal again.
Beaver-Hey Wally look over there.
Wally-Oh my gosh Beav is that who I think it is?
Beaver-Yea Wally,its my spirit friend of nyuk.
Wally-No its not ya lamebrain.Its Curly of the three stooges.Now thats one heck of a funny guy.
Curly-Hey you guysez.Youz all pretty funny yourselves,nyuk,nyuk.
Wally-Beav did you hear that?
Beaver-Yea Wally and it came from him.I hope hes not gonna hurt us or anything.
Wally-Hey who are you?Are you really Curly the famous stooge?
Curly-Cmon guys.Donts sweats it.Everythings cool beanies here,nyuk.Rrr!Whats yer names fellas?
Beaver-Oh Im Beaver and this is Wally sir!
Curly-Pleased ta meetchez.
Beaver-Can I ask you a question?
Curly-Sure Beaveez,lays it on me.
Beaver-Are you or are you not Curly?
Curly-Yes Beavey,I most soytantly am.But I still cant remembers how I gots here.Wheres I at now Wallyus?
Wally-Oh youre in our house sir.Beaver was playin with the ouji board hed found in the attic when he shouldnt have.He started wiggin out and junk and then we seen you.Im glad hes back to bein himself though,and just in time for mom and dads dinner party too.
Curly-Dindin partys are always a blast fellas.I dont believes in squeegie boards but I guess I cant deny dat Im heres.
Wally-You can join us for the party if ya wish.
Curly-Are ya sure Wallyus?
Wally-Of course were sure.Youre an American legend Curly.It would be our honor sir.Heck the folks wont even know youre there with us,and youd get to check out the dinner party too.
Curly-Tank you Wallyus.And you too Beavey.I soytantly loves dindin pardys,nyuk.And dont worry guys.Ize gonna mind my mannerisms and not makes a spectacles of myself.
June-Ward would you please get the door?
Ward-Ill get it June.Hello Bob,hi Helen,please,please come in.Hows things been going at the office Bob?And who do we have here?
Bob-So good to see you Ward.This is our daughter Katey.
Ward-Well hello Katey,and welcome.
Katey-Why thank you Mr.Cleaver.Is Wally and the Beaver around?
Ward-Yes,yes they are.Theyll be down in a minute.So you know the boys huh?
Katey-Well I really only know Wally and thats from school.
Ward-Well Katey,Im sure that Wally will be thrilled to see you.Lets all go in here and have a seat.June should be out any minute now and..oh there she is.
June-Hi Bob,hi Helen.
Helen-Hello June and thanks for having us over tonight.Its good to see you again.Katey this is Mrs.Cleaver.Wallys mom.June this is our daughter Katey.
Katey-Pleased to meet you Mrs.Cleaver.
June-Very nice meeting you Katey.Im sure Wally will be thrilled to see you.Would you all please take a seat and make yourselves comfortable.Now where are those boys?Ward would you call the boys down here?
Ward-Certainly dear.If you will all please excuse me one moment.Boys you can both come on down here now.Our guests are here.Beaver?Wally?
Wally-Be right down dad.Jeepers we better be gettin down there now.Gosh Beav,I hope the Joneses didnt bring that creepy daughter of theirs with them.
Beaver-Hey Wally,what are ya gonna do about Curly?
Wally-Aint nuthin for us to do Beav.They cant see him or hear him.Heck how would they even know hes there?
Beaver-Yea I guess youre right.Are you ready Curly?
Curly-You bets Im ready.Dindin pardys is so fun and delicious,nyuk.
Wally-Well I hate to bust your bubble Curly,but our folks dinner parties are anything but fun.Well cmon Beaver.We better get down there.
Ward-Oh there they are.Come on over here boys.Boys,these are the Joneses,and this is their daughter Katey,whom I guess you already know Wally.
Wally/Beaver-Pleased to meet you Mr.and Mrs.Jones.
Helen-And I am pleased to meet you too boys.And let me guess.You must be Theodore?
Beaver-Yessum maam,but you can call me Beaver.
Katey-Hello there Wally.
Wally-Oh um ah,hi there Katey.
Katey-Hey Wally,is it alright if I sit beside you?
Wally-Yea I reckon its alright,as long as you dont get too close to me and junk.
June-Ward why dont you get our guests seated in the dining room hon.Suppers just about ready and Ive cooked us all something very special.
Ward-Oh yes June,yes of course.Would you all please have a seat.June has made a wonderful dinner for all of us tonight.
Wally-Yea what is it Beaver?
Beaver-Curlys down here with us.You dont suppose anybodys gonna notice him do ya?
Wally-No Beav,of course not.And stop whispering to me like a dope.
Ward-So Bob,is there any exciting news goin around lately?
Bob-No not really Ward.Helens gotten into the horrible habit of watching these ridiculous old television shows almost every night this past week.Isnt that right dear?
Helen-Yes hon,but they are not ridiculous.In fact,they are hilariously funny.I tell you Ward,you and June should watch these shows yourselves sometime and youd see what I mean.
Ward-Oh and what shows are they Helen?
Helen-I am referring to the sitcoms of the three stooges.They are so funny Ward.Pure absolute humor.That Curly though, really cracks me up,Bob doesnt like them.Do you dear?
Bob-No Helen I dont like them.And that Curly character is nothing more than a simpleton and a disgrace to the english language in my book.You boys dont watch such idiotic nonsense on television do you Wally?
Wally-Well..um..yea Mr.Jones I reckon that we sometimes do sir.
Helen-Its too funny isnt it Theodore?Theodore?
Ward-Hey Beaver,Helens asking you a question and its not polite to be spacin out on her.
Beaver-Oh Im sorry dad.Im sorry Mrs.Jones.Now what were you askin?
Helen-What I was asking you Theodore was if you think Curly and the three stooges are funny?
Beaver-Yea I think Curly and the three stooges are funny.And Curlys like super funny.You think Curlys really funny too dontcha Wally?
Wally-Oh yea,yea I do Beav.I think hes a real gas.
Helen-Well Bob what do you think of that?
Bob-Helen I could care less if everyone likes those silly shows.But I personally feel that its nothing more than a means of corrupting our youth today with the idea that being stupid and ignorant is alright,and indeed it is not alright.And if they were here today Id tell them and especially that Curly character.Id tell them to take all their mindless antics and hit the road.
Beaver-Would ya really do that Mr.Jones?
Bob-I most certainly would Theodore.
Ward-Oh here comes June.Its dinner time everybody.
June-Here it is everyone.Dinner is served.Now who wants a drumstick?
Beaver-Jeepeez mommyoh,dat sure smells like one yummy boyd.
June-Why thank you Beaver.But you can cut it out now with the silly impressions and just talk like normal people do.Now apologize to our guests.
Beaver-Alright mom.Ize sorrys for not speakins correctly to youz Mrs.Jones.And Ize sorrys to Kateydids over dare too.I hope youz can forgive me cupcake.Nyuk,nyuk.But I aints apologizin to mister fuddy duddy over dare.
Ward-Beaver what on earth has gotten into you young man?
Beaver-Nuttins daddyoh.Ize just makin cordial socializations wit our guests.
Bob-Theodore listen to me.
Bob-Theodore,frankly I am appalled at you.A fine young man like yourself,mimicking a numbskull like that dreaded stooge.
Helen-Now Bob why dont you just leave Theodore alone!
Bob-But Helen look at how hes talking.
Helen-Oh Bob,quit being such a fuddy duddy.I think its really cute of him to pretend that hes Curly.Talk to us some more Theodore.
Beaver-Why tank you maam.Tank youz very muchest.You and shortcake over dare are some pretty cool dames.Ize just loves gettin togedder for deze yummy dindin parties,nyuk,nyuk.Wouldja please pass da greeney beanies over here?Tank yous.See Wallyus?I tolds ya Id mind my mannerisms.Mommyoh deze biscuits and jameez are da best and dis toykey is da juiciest.Woowoo.Hey Wallyus,you oughts to be more cordial wit Kateydidus over dare.Aint dat right dreamboat.Nyuk,nyuk.
Helen-Theodore listen to me.
Helen-Theodore I think you do a splendid rendition of Curly,and I think its just the cutest thing I have ever seen.Dont you think so Ward?
Ward-Um..ah..why yes,yes indeed Helen,hes as cute as can be alright.Psst!June lets go in the kitchen.Please excuse us..um..June needs my help with the dessert.Well be right back.
Helen-Oh take your time Ward,Im sure Theodore will keep us entertained.
Ward-Oh Im sure he will Helen,Im sure he will.
June-Ward I know what youre about to say about the Beaver.
Ward-June our son is in there pretending to be one of the three stooges in front of our guests.
June-Oh Ward I know he is,but they do seem to be enjoying it and afterall,we do want them to enjoy themselves dont we?And besides,Helen wants him to talk like that,so lets humor them dear and just go along with it.It cant hurt anything can it?
Ward-No I suppose it cant.And you know June,I have to admit that I used to love watching the three stooges myself,and especially that Curly.He was quite some character.But I dont know how well Bobs gonna hold up through all of this dear.
June-Well Ward you never know.The Beaver may end up convincing Bob into liking Curly and those television shows.
Ward-Yes I suppose your right hon.We better get back in there.
June-Were back everybody.Are you enjoying your supper?
Helen-Yes June and Theodore has been so entertaining.
Beaver-Tank you so muchez Helen.Youz a livin doll.Aint mommyohs cookin so yummy?Its not only yummy,its pure delectibilitis.
June-Why thank you Beaver.That was so sweet of you.For that Im giving you an extra scoop of ice cream for dessert.
Beaver-Tanks mommyoh.You knows how muches I lovey ice cream nyuk
June-Heres dessert everybody.I hope everyone likes german chocolate cake.Beaver get your fingers out of that cake.
Beaver-But golly gee wizzers mommyoh,its germy chocolate cake.My favorites.Rrr!Ruff,ruff,ruff.Whats wrong mummsy?Whys you lookin at me weirds?Nyuk.
June-Beaver you have talked that way long enough.I want you to start talking normal again this instant.
Beaver-But I hasnt had my cakey yet.And whats you lookin at Mr.Jonesey?
Bob-Theodore I will be more than happy to tell you what I am looking at young man.I am looking at the youth in our country becoming more and more enthralled with the stupidities of people,such as these stooges and this Curly fellow.Of all the people to emulate,I wouldve thought that a fine young man like you would be much smarter than this.
Beaver-Oh is dat so Bobby?Well Ill tells ya what,Ize got sumthin for ya.
Wally-Beaver put that cake back down or Ill go tell dad about the you know what.
Beaver-But Wallyus,dis guy is a wise guy.Hes given me da heebyjeebys.Hey watch dis Wallyus.How bout dat Bobby?Hows dat fit on yaz?Here,dis will look good on ya too,nyuk.Hey Bobby I luvs dat new cakey hairdo ya gots.Nyuk,nyuk,nyuk.It looks like yaz rollin in da dough and junk like dat.Nyuk,nyuk,nyuk.Hows bout dat Bobby.Youz sweet talker Betty crocker.Ruff,ruff.woowooowoo!Dats da icing on da cakes see.Nyuk.
Wally-Dad,dad you better get back in there.The Beavers flipped.
Ward-Beaver as your father I demand that you stop it this instant.Oh my goodness we are so sorry about this Bob.And I can assure you that the Beaver will pay dearly for what he has done to you tonight.June bring me some towels.Helen we are so sorry.
Helen-Oh Ward dont worry about it.Theodore put him in his place and Bob gets a cake in his face.I personally enjoyed it.It was just like Curly would do.In fact,Theodore was so convincing,for a moment there I really felt it was Curly.
Ward-Well thank you Helen.We appreciate that but nonetheless,I assure you that the Beaver will be properly punished.Now Beaver I want you to cut it out now.Just be yourself son.
Beaver-But I am beins myself daddyoh.We had a great big dindin.Maybe you just needs some metamucil.Nyuk,nyuk,nyuk.
Ward-Alright Beaver,I hate to have to do this in front of our guests but youve given me no other choice.
Wally-No dad its not the Beavers fault.Come over here.
Ward-Wally what are you saying son?Hows it not the Beavers fault?
Wally-Well dad its like this.But first of all,youre not gonna wallop on him too much are ya?
Ward-Wally I can assure you that I am not going to wallop him.Now what is it youre telling me?
Wally-Well dad Beaver had found a ouji board and started using it and then...
Ward-Stop right there Wally.Now let me guess.The Beaver made contact with Curly of the three stooges on the other side.So that wasnt really the Beaver in there smashing the cake into our guests face.It was really Curly doing it.That sound like a good analogy to you Wally?
Wally-Yea dad I reckon so.I mean he kept his manners all evening and junk like that.
Ward-Yea Wally,I suppose Bob did kinda egg Curly on didnt he?
Wally-Jeepers dad you sure aint kiddin there.Heres the ouji board Beaver found.
Ward-Well Wally,do you have any suggestions as to how we should deal with this?
Wally-Yea I do dad.Eddie Haskell once told me that all you had to do was read these words and do a series of incantations and junk like that to send them back home.
Ward-Well cmon Wally.Lets get back in there and deal with this.Your mother is probably flipping out about now.
Wally-Golly dad would cha look at that.
Ward-Wally I see it but I dont believe it.Hey whats going on in here anyways?
June-Sshhh!Be quiet Ward.Ive got an idea everybody.Im going to get the Beaver to let go of Curly.This is what we are going to do Ward.Im going to give some of this castor oil to Beaver and well see just how much Curly likes it.Wish me luck.Im going to try it now.Hey Beaver?
Beaver-Yea mommyohs.Hey dat aint a bottle of sodey pop is it?
June-Well..um..why yes,yes it is.Would you like some?Here Beaver,its yours.
Beaver-Tanks mommyoh.Ill drinks dis down in nuttin flat.Gulp,gulp,gulp,gulp,gulp,gulp...
Wally-Hey hows it taste Beav?
Beaver-It tastes awful Wallyus.It tastes like crapola..nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,ruff,ruff,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk,nyuk.Dats not sodey pop,dats castrol oil.Nyuk,nyuk..Im so sorry folks but Ize leavin dis dindin party now..Rrr!Nyuk.
June-Hey Beaver can you hear me?
Beaver-Yea mom I hear ya.Hey whats everyone doin staring at me?You all act like youve seen a ghost or something.And whys Mr.Jones wearing moms cake?Oh now I remember.Curly wanted me to tell all of you that he had to go back to his heavenly home and to thank mom for the fine dinner and hospitality.
Wally-How ya feelin Beaver?
Beaver-Oh Im feelin just fine Wally.
Wally-I hate to tell ya this Beav but cha wont be for long.
Beaver-And whys that Wally?
Wally-Because you just drank a half a bottle of castor oil Beaver.
June-Well everybody,the main thing is that the Beaver is back and has made himself a new spirit friend as well.Isnt that right Beaver?
Beaver-Yea mom I reckon I have.
Bob-Well Ward its been a very entertaining evening but we really should be going now.Thank you all and thank you June for a most delicious dinner.And like Curly said,I do wear the cake well.
Ward-Again were so sorry about that Bob.
Bob-Dont worry about it Ward.With the way I was acting?I had it coming to me.I suppose I should feel honored.
Ward-Well,let us us see you to the door.Thanks for coming and drive safely.Bye!Wheres the Beaver Wally?
Wally-Oh I think he ran to the bathroom dad.Hes probably gonna be in there for a long long time.Ill go check to see to be sure.(knock,knock,knock)Beaver are you in there?
Beaver-Yea Wally Im in here.
Wally-Do ya need a comic book or something to pass the time away?
Beaver-No thanks Wally.I found this book of magical incantations.Im readin it to pass the time away in here.
Wally-Thats alright Beav.As long as ya dont do anything knuckle headed with it.
June-Wally is the Beaver still in the bathroom?
Wally-Yea mom but he says hell be in there awhile.
June-(knock,knock,knock)Beaver are ya feelin any better?
Beaver-Sure Im feelin better now little missy.Ill be a moseyin outta here soon pardner so ya best grab yourself that crayon on the table if ya know whats good for ya.
Wally-Look mom hes comin out already.How ya doin Beaver?
Beaver-Now take this crayon pardner...now draw.
Wally-Oh heck no Beaver,not again.
Note-Photos are just pics that I found online and belong to their respected owners.
Best deals at amazon
More by this Author
One late afternoon in December of 1984,friends Johney Cakes,Victor and Kevin and myself headed for a club in Versailles Ohio called the Lost C to once again see the Mark Farner band in what would be my fourth Grand Funk...
Here are ten Ridiculous and silly tatertot song poems.They were written by me for my friend Ida.One day while eating tater tots and chatting with her online,I decided to nickname my friend Ore-Ida,as in...
No comments yet.