The Best Lawyer Jokes

Source

Lawyers are the butt of many jokes that focuses on their ambulance chasing, back stabbing and money grubbing habits. But lawyer jokes tend to be rather predictable, with the lawyer getting the short end of the stick right at the end. The lawyer jokes below are among the best that I have found, while still focusing on a lawyer’s rather unsavory habits, do have a surprise at the punchline. If you are a good lawyer that does not indulge in the aforementioned bad habits, then join us in enjoying the jokes below, because they are not about you.

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There was this engineer who got sent to Hell by mistake. When he arrived, he found the conditions rather unpleasant. After a while, he found that he could get used to the indignities, abuse and insults that are common in Hell but he just can’t get used to the heat. It was really hot everywhere, all the time.

So, in his spare time, he invented air conditioning. His box became the coolest spot in Hell and everybody wanted a taste of his air conditioning. Even the devil’s minions were calling. He would get special considerations from them, in return for some time in his box.

His fame spread far and wide. Soon, all of Hell knew of his little box where the temperature was a little lower than the rest of Hell.

Then one day, the Devil himself came calling. And the Devil decided he liked this new thing which the engineer called air conditioning. He got the engineer on staff , and soon, the whole of Hell was air conditioned.

God got wind of the new improvements in Hell, and he didn’t like it one bit. He did a bit of checking and found that the engineer had been sent to Hell by mistake. So he called up the Devil and politely requested that he return the engineer.

“Remember your no return policy? Whoever gets sent here will have to stay...forever!” the Devil was gloating. It wasn’t everyday that God wanted something that he has. “Besides, I like having a engineer on the staff. He told me that the next thing he’s going to do is to invent and install CCTV in every chamber in Hell, so that I can check if my minions are doing their work without getting up from my chair.”

“And after that, he’s going to design robot minions for me,” the Devil continued. “The robot minions will work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without complaining, without getting sick, and I don’t even have to pay them. In time, I think I’m going to have to rename this place. Maybe I’d call it Second Heaven. What do you think?”

God was beside himself. “You send him up here this instant! Or...or...I’ll sue.”

“Let’s not blow our top, shall we? Remember that anger is a sin, and you don’t want to have to send yourself down here, do you?” the Devil replied cheekly. “And anyway, where are you going to find a lawyer in Heaven?”

Source: http://jokes4all.net/lawyers.html

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It had been a hectic morning for Shirley, a receptionist at a law firm. One of the firm’s partners was killed in a plane crash over the weekend and the phone had been ringing off the hook. It was nearly lunch time and everybody that needed to be informed had already been informed and it seemed that everybody who wanted to offer their condolences had already called.

Shirley was enjoying a rare moment of peace when the phone rang again. The caller, speaking in a heavy Indian accent, asked for Mr Snell, the partner that was killed in the plane crash.

“I’m sorry but Mr Snell was killed in a plane crash on Sunday. If you are one of his clients, I can put you through to Mr Pereira, who is now in charge of Mr Snell’s cases.”

“He’s dead?” The caller sounded almost happy, as if he had been given a piece of good news.

“Yes,” Shirley replied. “Mr Snell was killed on Sunday. Shall I put you through to Mr Pereira?”

“No. Thanks.” And the caller hung up.

After lunch, this same caller with the heavy Indian accent called again. He again asked for Mr Snell, and Shirley again politely repeated what she had said earlier.

One hour later, he called yet again and asked for Mr Snell. Shirley was getting frustrated. “Listen carefully, Mr Snell is dead. Dead as in he’s gone to the great big courtroom in the sky. It doesn’t matter how many times you call, Mr Snell is still dead. If you call tomorrow, or next week, or next month, he will still be dead. Do you understand me?

“I understand you perfectly,” the caller replied. “It is just that I really love hearing you say it over and over again.”

Source: http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/lawyers/law007.htm

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A physicist, an engineer and a lawyer were shortlisted for the position of chief executive officer of a large multinational company.

As part of the final interview, each of them was asked a long list of questions. The very last question was, “How much is two plus two?”

When the physicist was confronted with last question, he asked about the context from which the question was asked and whether any more details can be supplied. But he was told that the question stands as it is, and no additional details can be added. The physicist thought for a minute, and decided that sometimes, the obvious answer can be the right answer. So he answered, “Four.”

When it was the engineer’s turn, he paused for a moment and asked the interviewer to repeat the question. When he was satisfied that he’d heard the interviewer right, he did what any engineer would do. He gave a short, concise answer to a short, concise question. He answered, “Four.”

The lawyer was the last to be interviewed, and when he heard the last question, he told the interviewer that he needed a moment. He then walked around the room drawing the blinds and locking the door. He came back to the interviewer and asked in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

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It had been a good life, and he had fought the good fight, and his doctor had told him that his time was nearly up. He’d put all his affairs in order, as all good lawyers should, and he went to sleep that night feeling a little more tired than usual.

He woke up the next day at the pearly gates, having expired in his sleep the night before. Standing next to him was the Pope, whose time was also up. St. Peter greeted them graciously, congratulated them on a life well lived, and offered to show the Pope to his quarters.

St. Peter snapped his fingers, and they were transported to a rather spartan apartment. It has the basic necessities, and the Pope should be pretty comfortable there, but it was definitely a downgrade from what the Pope was used to on Earth.

Once the necessary paperwork had been completed and the Pope was nicely settled in his apartment, St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Let’s go to your quarters now.”

St. Peter snapped his fingers and they were transported to what can best be described as a mansion. It had a private swimming pool, a garden, more rooms than he can count, and it even came with a staff at his beck and call. St. Peter was most apologetic and said that the lawyer’s arrival was not anticipated for another year and that that was the best that he can come up with in the time that he had.

The lawyer was pleasantly surprised and remarked that he didn’t expect such accommodation as even the Pope was entitled to just an apartment. He wondered what he did that merited such reward.

St. Peter replied, "Popes are a dime a dozen over here. At last count, we have over a hundred Popes. But this is the first time we have had a lawyer up here.”

Source: http://www.jamesfuqua.com/lawyers/jokes/afterlife.shtml

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Comments 21 comments

richtwf profile image

richtwf 5 years ago

First one had me in stitches! The second one gave me a good chuckle - Most lawyers don't have a conscience! The third one - a good lawyer - A dead lawyer - one without a conscience and one that won't be found in heaven! Good lawyers are few and far between and thanks for sharing this.

I'm going to share this with my friends and wife. My wife will especially love this!

Cheers for the laugh and look forward to the next one! God bless you and keep spreading the laughs!

P.S. You might to read a poem I wrote about a specific lawyer (Mr Arrogant). I hope you don't mind but I would like to add this hub as a link on my poem's hub.


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

richtwf - Thanks! Gonna continue doing more of such hubs. :)

Feel free to add a link to your poem about Mr Arrogant, and I won't mind if you were to link to this hub. If your link is relevant, I'll add it under a resources heading which I will append later.


cwarden profile image

cwarden 5 years ago from USA

Too funny! My brother will appreciate this - he's a lawyer!


quicksand profile image

quicksand 5 years ago

Hi Wandererh, I am a bit confused. They say the only good lawyers around are not around because they are dead lawyers! They also say in the same breath that only the good go to heaven, and by that logic there should have been quite a handful of lawyers in heaven, right? How come there was not a single one up there? :)


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

cwarden - Thanks! :)


Benson Yeung profile image

Benson Yeung 5 years ago from Hong Kong

I like the first one best.

Great job compiling these.


L.L. Woodard profile image

L.L. Woodard 5 years ago from Oklahoma City

Laughter is good for the soul. Thanks for the smiles.


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

quicksand - That's is indeed a mystery. Let's break it down, shall we? According to popular wisdom, the following is true:

- there are no lawyers in Heaven, except for that one who got himself a mansion. (See the fourth story)

- the only good lawyers are dead lawyers.

Given that popular wisdom is usually not accurate, but does hold some truth in it, so I think it will be reasonable to conclude the following:

- there are indeed lawyers in Heaven, but numbering not more than the fingers of one hand.

- there are indeed good lawyers still walking the Earth, but again not numbering more than the fingers of one hand.

Any additional input is welcome. :)


telltale profile image

telltale 5 years ago

Good jokes about lawyers! That sounds about right, too. It is also difficult to find a honest and good one, all in one breadth. Thanks!


quicksand profile image

quicksand 5 years ago

Well I guess the CEO of heaven got sick of seeing lawyers there and also sick of hearing all those around discussing the goodness of good lawyers and trying to involve him in the discussions. So he said "to hell with lawyers!" ... so be it! :)


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

Benson Yeung - Thanks! :)

L.L. Woodard - You're welcome. And I had fun doing this hub as well. :)


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

telltale and quicksand - Seriously though, there's got to be good lawyers out there. I mean, the law is actually about defending those who can't defend themselves. You guys actually remind me about a hub about frivolous lawsuits that I was going to write. When you see some of the cases that actually go to court, you really start to wonder about good lawyers. :(


BeckyA 5 years ago

I used to work in a garage. We also sold everything from dune buggies to 18 wheelers. Our attorney was in the office one day and after business had been dealt with, my boss said he was glad he wasn't an attorney, because he wouldn't want people to talk about him like that. The attorney answered,"this from a used-car salesman?"


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

BeckyA - Hmmm, perhaps I should do used car salesman jokes next. :)


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

They are definitely a joke. I had a good laugh.


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

Hello, hello, - Not sure if the lawyers would appreciate you calling them a joke but I did. :)


D.Virtual.Doctor profile image

D.Virtual.Doctor 5 years ago from Europe

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is soooooo funny! I am so happy coming across such joke. I would love to read more of your hilarious hubs to make my day. I came across one well constructed and written hub which made me laugh out all my internal organs. Check it out and I am sure you'll love it. I just could not let it go but rather wanted to share it with people like you and I hope you will not regret reading it.

http://hubpages.com/literature/WHO-IS-TO-BE-BLAMED


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

D.Virtual.Doctor - That was an interesting hub. Perhaps the woman was intrigued that her husband has learnt a new trick and was just teasing him. :)


JapanGulu profile image

JapanGulu 5 years ago

Hi Wandereth - very funny ! Looks like you've hit a popular niche here. Maybe you could do one on dentists too.


wandererh profile image

wandererh 5 years ago from Singapore Author

JapanGulu - And with the recent crisis, bankers should be popular too. :)


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 2 years ago from Shelton

this is priceless.. I love the snell caller..:)

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