The Boundary Between Light and Despair: Chapter One [Hikari to zetsubō no sakaime]
Uri sat in her bedroom holding her knees up to her chest trying to swallow her tears and make peace with her mother’s death. She liked to use the word death and not “Suicide”. That word was too hard for her to deal with especially with the raging hell that she had to live with as a part of her daily life.
Uri decided to scratch that thought out of her head. It has been seven months since her mother’s death and her dad doesn’t seem to get any better. The episodes seem to get worse and everything seemed to have hit rock bottom with her mother’s tragedy. Her death simply pronounced the death of the entire family especially Uri’s. Uri whipped a faint trail of tears that started to run down her cheeks as she thought about her mother, her okansan, her father, her otousan, and what a happy family they used to be. Again Uri scratched that thought out of her head as she looked at the faint bruises that have become her only friends on the darkest and loneliest nights. The two day old bruises she hugged as she tried to silence her fears were now showing some green regions with red or purple centers. The recent bruises, two or three hours old didn’t show any discoloration, yet. Had it not been for the pain she felt in her chest, arms, and legs, she wouldn’t have known they ever existed. Uri knew all about the color routine, and a few hours from now she would feel and experience the tangible presence of these bruises. The colors would change as the days passed by, but the emotional pain was simply incurable.
It was a simple yet fatal mistake. She had slept early that night after a hard yet tormenting day at school. Things have taken a drive to crazy town after her mother’s alleged suicide. And Uri the only child born within an American-Japanese family had to grapple with all that stress on her own. It was hell for a 16 year old yet even hell sounded better than home at some points. Uri forced herself out of her secure embrace and in the darkest rays of the dying moon which shone faintly from her room she took out her diary and her pen and wrote down all her pain on paper. Then she went to sleep.
Uri fell into her regular dream, violently tossed her blankets and involuntarily strangulated herself with her bed sheets. She was fighting her demons with all the power she had, yet for once they happened to have taken absolute control. And just like the time when her Otousan [Father] came home to find no proper food set she felt the pain of his fists on her body as well as the demon’s claws dig into her flesh tearing it wide open. The agony tore her throat apart sending gashes of pain throughout her body. Nervous impulses of high intensity forced her body to arch up and down while in her sleep and she was losing the fight. The pain pushed forward up to her chest almost yanking her heart out and suddenly despair set in. Uri felt its cloak smother her cries. And as the dark settled in her heart she saw the pain embody itself through sorrow breaking her will just like a violin abused until its strings break in despair. And yet again she was alone.
She wanted to cry, to gasp for air, for help but she knew if she gave in to the pain she will be punished again. He, her father was home, and she, the daughter, knew that she had no right to breathe when he was around. She knew that if anything woke him up it would be ROUND 2 for him and her. And Uri knew how these rounds ended. She clutched her hands to her mouth tried to resist the urge to cry and silenced that need desperately that was building in her throat. Yet when she heard the cry that came out of her throat, Uri didn’t recognize that coarse voice of hers.
Moments later, hell’s doors broke open and everything felt a mix of hot and cold. She felt his fists on her body. Yet these kept on descending like lightening bold over her body. IT felt like having yourself electrocuted due to some crime that deserved death penalty. Only those lucky criminals didn’t live after getting electrocuted, but 16 year old Uri had to endure the shocking pain in silence. With sobs silenced by the fear of earning extra punishment, Uri gave her Otousan her back and simply endured the excruciating pain.
“If you don’t keep it down bitch I will make sure to burry you alive!!!”, those were the only words he spoke as his fists made contact with her fragile body. She wept in silence on her floor making the tiles look red yet mesmerizing as she held herself in the Embryo position begging, yet mutely for mercy from the lord above.
Satisfied with his actions he walked over her immobile body pointed an accusing finger and said “In this house we know more speak Japanese. Another word in your mother’s tongue and I will cut of your fucking tongue!!!!”.Uri knew those moments when the pain and the despair get too much to handle and drive the person to black out. This was one of those moments of hers. She fell into her pit of self-mutilation, self-induced pain and she simply lost control.
After what seemed like eternity she heard an unfamiliar voice, “So princess Mononoke is finally awake?” Uri didn’t recognize that sarcastic voice, and as she forced herself to open her eyes, she scanned the white walls in front of her, those weren’t her bedroom’s, those weary four set of eyes staring at her didn’t belong to anyone she knew. Where was she? They were predators. And she was trapped like and injured fox surrounded by fierce trappers. She was the predator no the prey and she was out numbered. They were staring with weird looks on their faces. Was it hatred or was it fear.
Fear, is a natural primal reaction. And indeed all what Uri felt was fear. She felt that primal fear take control over her body replacing her consciousness with nothing but animalistic instinct. She felt scarred, cornered, and felt the darkness take control over her body again. The flames emerged out of her hands and body in an instant and everything around her was ready to explode. Then she heard his voice calm but a little agitated in words she understood and loved to hear again, “Shimatta!” [Oh shoot in Japanese]
To be continued ………
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